10 Possible Reasons Why My Husband Won’t Touch Me

“Nothing eases suffering like the human touch.” Chess grandmaster Bobby Fischer wasn’t just about chess strategy when he said those words. 

We all need comfort and affection through touch, so when you’re thinking, “My husband won’t touch me,” it’s natural to worry and feel alienated. 

What does it mean when my spouse won’t touch me?

When thinking, “My husband doesn’t want me to touch him,” the first thing to do is not to panic. When something goes wrong, we often conclude that something is wrong with us, but usually, something is going on with the other person. 

Intimacy and physical touch seem simple, but a complex mix of emotions, feelings, and thoughts drives them. For example, some people might have subconsciously learned to stay away from others when stressed or feeling inadequate.

Regardless of what unhealthy coping mechanisms you or your husband have picked up, these often have a massive impact on intimacy. Moreover, we could have biological issues that mean we simply can’t have sex like before. 

Of course, we can’t forget the other side of the equation. Sometimes, your spouse might be at a low point and wonder if this is the right relationship. Again, don’t panic. It’s perfectly normal to doubt our relationship at various phases.

When reviewing the problem, “my husband won’t touch me,” the trick is to reflect on how you will support each other to problem solve and find a way forward. 

10 potential causes behind your spouse not touching you

If you’re asking yourself, “What are the reasons my husband won’t touch me” review these possible causes while remembering that there is always something you can change. It doesn’t have to be like this forever.  

1. Fear of inadequacy

We all change constantly, and as we age, we can start questioning ourselves, especially as our bodies change. Moreover, that can translate into the fear of not being good enough. 

If your husband feels inadequate, he may withdraw from physical contact.

2. Stress 

Fear and stress are closely related and are the primary causes of sexual issues. So, if you’re thinking, “he won’t touch me,” what can you do to support him emotionally? 

As this study on stress and sexual function shows, men tend to be more impacted by personal burnout, whereas women suffer more from specific job stress regarding libido problems. 

Related Reading: 15 Ways to Handle Stress in Marriage

3. Libido problems 

If you’re still wondering, “Why doesn’t my husband touch me,” have you considered mental or biological problems? It isn’t just stress that causes libido problems, but lack of sleep, depression, and substance abuse can all reduce sex drive. 

Women also suffer from these, and both genders can have biological issues. As a health clinic summarizes, there are many illnesses and problems that can cause low libido. 

4. Seeking an unrealistic fantasy 

When reviewing the problem, “my husband won’t touch me,” it’s worth noting that there are those who are always seeking a perfect world. For instance, some people live in a Hollywood fantasy while others might live life wanting to be where the grass is supposedly greener. 

In those cases, it’s worth seeking marital counseling so you can both learn to accept this world as being messy and imperfect. Moreover, a counselor can guide you to find the right way forward. 

As Dr. Jennifer Jacobsen, PhD in psychology explains,

Unrealistic expectations can set the stage for intimacy problems in a relationship.” She goes on to say, “Talking with a counselor can help you and your spouse sort out your expectations and develop more realistic ways of thinking about the relationship.

5. No communication 

To be touched is to be vulnerable. Furthermore, to truly open ourselves up to someone else, we need deep communication about our inner thoughts and feelings. Intimacy works as much within the body as it does within our mental psyche.

Related Reading: 15 Ways on How to Improve Communication in Marriage

6. Feeling unheard 

When someone feels undervalued, they won’t have the confidence to surrender to touch. In short, they’ll have their defenses up, and at that point, no one wants to be intimate. So, “my husband won’t touch me” becomes a reality. 

7. Emotional turmoil 

If you’re lost with the thought, “My husband doesn’t want me to touch him,” perhaps he’s overwhelmed and confused by his emotions. Many men mistakenly believe that they shouldn’t be in touch with their emotions, but this, in fact, closes them off from others.

As this article states, touch and emotion work both ways. So, we feel emotions when touched, but our emotional state impacts how we perceive touch. 

8. Insecurity

No matter how confident they appear, many people suffer from low self-esteem. So, if you’re confused by the question, “Why doesn’t my husband touch me” how can you make him feel safe and valued? 

Simultaneously, rebuild your self-esteem with the Triple Column Technique described in this video:  

9. Boredom 

Sexual boredom can happen at any time, so don’t panic if you’re thinking, “My husband is not interested in me physically.” Perhaps you just need to spice things up again. 

Although interestingly, as this Atlantic article suggests, it seems women tend to experience greater sexual boredom than men. So, if you’re giving off bored vibes, get creative and ask your husband to try new things. 

Related Reading: How to Fight Boredom in your Marriage

10. Too much pressure 

Relationships are a delicate balance of me versus us. When one feels too much pressure because the other one appears needy or clingy, they can shut off. This then creates a vicious push-pull dynamic. 

As always, it comes down to communication and joint problem-solving to find ways to meet both your needs. 

5 tips to get your spouse to touch you again 

Despite the host of valid reasons out there, it’s important to bring touch back to your relationship. As this study on the Language of Social Touch explains, touch is an intuitive process that we all need to enhance our emotional communication. 

1. Talk 

As mentioned, communication is key. In this case, you want to open up to each other. For example, how can you share your emotions and feelings about this problem of not being touched? 

It’s worth noting that I-statements help keep a discussion away from blame. When you state, “I feel lonely/unvalued/sad,” this helps your partner feel empathy. This contrasts with the statement, “Why won’t you touch me, and what’s wrong with you.” 

In the former, you draw them into the problem so you can find solutions together. In the latter statement, you blame your partner, which will only make them defensive.

They are then more likely to shut you out, and suddenly, the phrase “my husband won’t touch me” has become a fact.

2. Plan some dates 

Sometimes we need to re-enact how it was when we first fell in love. Getting ready to go out to meet your date is an exciting part of building anticipation, which can then lead to intimacy. 

Moreover, going out on dates gets you out of your day-to-day life, which can then reignite your curiosity about each other. This is a powerful motivator to end the cycle of “my husband won’t touch me.”

Related Reading: Playful Couples- Relationships Should Not Feel like a Job 

3. Try something new 

When boosting your curiosity about each other, you can also try out new hobbies. Alternatively, go to different events where you can meet new people. Seeing new people can inspire you to see things differently, including each other. 

4. Get playful 

As this article on The Benefits of Play for Adults explains, play is both fun and rejuvenating. So, when you’re stuck with the thought, “My husband won’t touch me,” try to think about how to play more, including games. 

Watch this video to learn more about the place of humor in relationships:

5. Get professional help 

Finally, we all owe it to ourselves to give our relationships a proper chance. So, if you’re still feeling stuck, reach out to marital counseling and get guidance and support. 

As Dr. Jacobsen explains,

Many couples benefit from marital counseling, and it can even be used to prevent major problems from appearing in the marriage.

Some commonly asked questions

Here are some answers to some pressing questions that can help clear up your doubts in case your husband won’t touch you:

• What happens in a marriage without touch? 

As humans, we need physical touch to feel validated and nurtured. Without it, we can become lonely and depressed. 

Moreover, a marriage without touch can fall into a downward spiral where both partners increasingly shut each other out. As they’re not touching, there’s no intimacy which often also pushes out kindness. However, lack of touch can affect each marriage differently.

• How is a woman without affection impacted? 

Similarly to lack of touch, anyone without affection will eventually shut in on themselves and begin to feel bad. Both men and women need affection, even if the stereotype suggests it’s only women who crave it. 

Consequently, if you’re lost in the statement, “My husband won’t touch me anymore,” it’s important to find a way forward. Make sure you talk about it or get professional help to support you. 

Bring touch back into your marriage 

No one deserves to simply accept the reality of “my husband won’t touch me.” Touch doesn’t just connect us emotionally, it makes us feel nurtured, and without it, we risk feeling alienated. 

There are many reasons for the lack of touch, so don’t despair. Whether you’re dealing with biological, mental, or emotional causes, you can problem-solve together and even find professional help for an extra boost. Whatever you do, don’t let yourself slip into the black hole of loneliness.