Deflection in a Relationship: Signs & Ways to Deal
Are you beginning to feel that even though you are in love with your partner, it looks like they are constantly manipulating you? If you feel this way, they may deliberately do something that always makes them the victim and you the oppressor.
Have you ever heard your partner say to you: “You’re always so critical of me, no wonder I react this way.” This is an example of deflection.
In this article, you will learn what deflection in a relationship means and how you can navigate it if you are experiencing this.
What is deflection in a relationship?
What does it mean when someone is deflecting? Let’s try to understand the deflection meaning along with its context to relationships.
Deflection is when someone aggressively challenges and dismisses your actions, feelings, and beliefs while redirecting attention from their own harmful behavior.
Similarly, deflection in a relationship occurs when a partner deliberately avoids taking responsibility for their feelings, thoughts, and actions. They try to turn the tide by blaming their partner, someone else, or any occurrence around them.
The moment you notice that they are trying to shift the blame game from themselves, deflection is in motion. Usually, it is a ploy to avoid confrontation or criticism.
After learning the deflecting definition, let’s move on to ways through which one can handle such behavior.
How to respond when someone is deflecting?
Knowing how to argue with someone who deflects can reduce their chances of doing so. Therefore, you need to be strategic about how you converse with them. One of the ways to respond when they are deflecting is to focus on the facts.
Remember that your partner will employ their emotions, so they might not want to reason with you. Another way to respond is to take responsibility deliberately.
When you do this, they might be unable to project their feelings on you. Also, keep calm when your partner seems to be frustrating you. This will help you keep a clear head and adequately present your facts.
How to argue with someone who deflects
Are you tired of engaging in arguments where the other person constantly dodges responsibility and redirects blame? Dealing with chronic deflectors can be frustrating, but fear not!
Here are 7 tactics to help you through these tricky situations with confidence and clarity.
- Maintain your composure and keep the discussion centered on the main issue at hand. Don’t let them steer you off course.
- Diplomatically point out their deflection tactics, making them aware of their evasive behavior. Shine a light on their diversionary tactics.
- Ground your arguments in objective facts and evidence to counter their attempts at distorting the truth. Solid evidence is hard to deflect.
- Practice active listening skills to truly understand their concerns and frustrations. This demonstrates your willingness to engage and helps create a more open dialogue.
- Show empathy towards their emotions and validate their feelings, but also remind them of the main issue. Balance understanding with the need for resolution.
- Stay assertive in expressing your own feelings and needs. Don’t let their deflection tactics undermine your right to be heard and understood.
- Establish clear boundaries for the conversation, ensuring that it remains respectful and focused. Communicate that deflecting won’t be tolerated for a constructive discussion.
15 signs someone is deflecting in a relationship and what to do
Are you confused if you are experiencing deflection in a relationship or not? You might feel that your partner likes to play the pity game because they want to avoid getting the blame.
With the signs mentioned shortly, you can tell if deflection manipulation is in play and how you can help yourself.
1. They project their feelings on you
One of the ways some people display deflecting in relationships is when they try to project their feelings and thoughts on you. The truth is, they cannot deal with their feelings, so they hide them. Eventually, they project it on you when it becomes too overwhelming for them.
This is when they might start to accuse you of some things that were not your fault. You may observe that your partner’s dislikes have been imposed on you.
2. They play the victim
Another sign of deflection in a relationship is when they begin to play the victim even when they are at fault. They will employ manipulation tactics to ensure that you are on the wrong side while they are the affected ones.
Someone who loves to deflect in a relationship will leverage any of their partner’s little mistakes to make themselves the victim.
3. They shift the blame to circumstances
Deflecting blame in relationships can be demoralizing and unhealthy for the relationship.
They will blame external circumstances for their actions if they don’t blame you. When it comes to deflection in a relationship, the perpetrator deliberately gives excuses for everything because they cannot take responsibility.
You will hardly find them owning up to their mistakes because there is always someone they can blame. Deflection in arguments is a common practice for such partners to avoid responsibility.
4. They lack empathy
People deflect responsibility in a relationship by not letting others know how they feel. Anytime you share your feelings with them, they might end up blaming you instead of trying to support you.
Also, they might want to interrupt you because they want to be heard, and they can get annoyed if you don’t give them a chance.
Watch this video to know the signs that someone lacks empathy:
5. They find it hard to apologize
Another way to know when a partner practices deflection in a relationship is when they struggle to apologize. In a relationship, saying sorry is the right thing to do when you are wrong. However, a partner who deflects does not feel they are wrong.
This is why they will hardly say sorry because they cannot acknowledge their mistakes.
6. They deliberately repeat their mistakes
If you are looking for one of the signs of deflection in a relationship is when your partner knowingly repeats their mistake without feeling sorry.
Most times, these mistakes cause conflicts that both of you resolve. However, you will notice that over time, they keep committing these mistakes because they know you have no choice but to accept them for who they are.
7. They like revenge
To learn more about deflection psychology, one of the things you note is their vengeful character. They will always find a way to repay you when you offend them.
Additionally, if you point out something wrong that they’ve done, they will retaliate in kind. This happens because they don’t want to be on the losing end, so they don’t mind reminding you of every wrong thing you’ve done.
8. They are in denial
When it comes to deflecting responsibility in a relationship, one of the traits you will notice is they love being in denial. Since they don’t like being accountable, they will be blind to the truth because they will likely be held in check with facts.
9. They say what makes your ear tick
Another deflection defense mechanism that some people employ is to say things that will make you stop talking. You might think that they agree with what you say. However, the reverse is the case.
They know that you will impress them when they agree with you. Hence, they will say something that you like. Instead of being remorseful, they will pretend to agree with you.
10. They hardly cry or show emotions
If you are in a relationship with someone who loves to deflect, one of the signs you will notice is they rarely cry or reveal emotions. They like to bottle things up because they want you to see them as strong.
For instance, if they are angry, they might not show it because they don’t want you to misinterpret their feelings.
11. They have increased stress levels
Everyone experiences stress at different points in their lives. However, a healthy lifestyle can balance our physical and mental health and stress properly. Those who often undergo deflection in a relationship are likely to have elevated stress levels.
This is because they always manipulate their emotions to suit their temporary needs. Over time, this hampers their physical health, causing mental health problems like depression and anxiety.
12. They are sometimes afraid of intimacy
Someone who loves projecting deflection in a relationship does not have stable emotions. Hence, it would be challenging for them to be genuinely intimate with their partners.
One of the reasons why they are afraid of being intimate is because they don’t want to share their vulnerability with anyone.
They are afraid that others might use their weaknesses or deepest thoughts against them in the future. Therefore, people who deflect their feelings try to avoid loving fully.
13. They have a distorted sleep cycle
It is important to mention that when it comes to psychological deflection, one of the signs to note is their unbalanced sleep cycle. When emotions are deflected regularly, it affects sleeping patterns. The individual might experience insomnia or drowsiness.
14. They try to gaslight you
In a relationship, a partner who deflects regularly will find it difficult to cope with their other half, which does not. Some of them expect you to accept them for who they are.
And if you struggle to understand them, they might gaslight you as a means to deflect their feelings. They try to downplay your emotions so that you will not pay attention to theirs.
Using Patricia Carlisle’s book titled Abusive Relationship, you can learn the various gaslighting signs that you are in an abusive union.
15. They don’t understand your point of view
When it comes to deflection in a relationship, you will notice that partners who do this often find it hard to understand where you are coming from. Anytime you share your concerns or feelings, they will find it hard to see your point of view.
Sometimes, they might get mad at you because they feel that you are trying to force them to understand you. During such moments, they will interrupt you regularly and ensure that all attention is shifted to them.
How can I deal with deflection in a relationship?
Or how to deal with deflection in a relationship?
Are you tired of feeling unheard and frustrated in your relationship due to deflection? Dealing with deflection can strain even the strongest bonds, but fear not!
Here are 7 powerful techniques to help you accept this challenging dynamic and foster healthier communication.
- Learn to identify when deflection is occurring in your interactions. Look for signs of blame-shifting, topic avoidance, or diversionary tactics.
- Keep your emotions in check during conversations. Remaining calm and composed helps you approach deflection with a level head and better control the situation.
- Call out the deflection gently but firmly. Acknowledge that you notice the diversionary tactics being used and emphasize the importance of addressing the core issue.
- Create a safe space for open and honest communication. Encourage your partner to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or defensiveness.
- Make an effort to understand the underlying reasons for the deflection. Listen actively, ask probing questions, and demonstrate empathy to uncover the deeper emotions at play.
- Steer the conversation back to the main topic at hand whenever deflection occurs. Gently redirect the discussion to ensure that the core issue is properly addressed and resolved.
- If deflection persists and hinders progress in your relationship, consider seeking couples therapy or counseling. A neutral third party can provide guidance and facilitate constructive dialogue.
Also, here are some useful tips on ‘How to get less defensive in relationships’. Watch now:
Some more questions
Deflection is a common behavior where individuals avoid taking responsibility and redirect blame. It can greatly impact relationships. Let’s dive into some common questions to help you better understand and navigate deflection in your own relationship.
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What is the behavior of deflection?
Deflection is when someone evades accountability by shifting blame or avoiding the main issue. It’s like a skillful dodgeball player, except instead of a game, it hampers honest communication and problem-solving in relationships.
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Is your partner deflecting in your relationship?
If your partner avoids taking responsibility, constantly shifts blame, or changes the subject during discussions, they may be deflecting. Recognizing these patterns can help you address the issue and foster healthier communication.
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Why do people deflect in relationships?
People may deflect in relationships due to fear of vulnerability, a desire to protect their ego or past emotional baggage. It’s a defense mechanism that shields them from facing uncomfortable truths and taking accountability for their actions.
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How does deflection impact a relationship?
Deflection can erode trust, hinder conflict resolution, and create emotional distance in a relationship. It perpetuates misunderstandings, prevents growth, and leaves important issues unresolved, creating a cycle of frustration and resentment.
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Can deflection be changed or overcome in a relationship?
Deflection can be changed with self-awareness and willingness to improve. Open and honest communication, empathy, and therapy can help address underlying issues, encourage personal growth, and foster a healthier, more authentic connection.
Dealing with deflection effectively
Just as a compass guides explorers through uncharted territories, navigating deflection in relationships requires a steady hand and unwavering determination.
Licensed Psychologist and Coach Silvana Mici says that,
As a therapist, I believe that deflection often stems from a fear of vulnerability.Addressing deflection in a relationship requires open and honest communication.
Encouraging your partner to reflect on their behavior and take responsibility for their actions, while also being willing to listen to their perspective.It is important to create a safe space where both partners can express their feelings without judgment can help reduce deflection and improve communication in the relationship.
By embracing awareness, patience, and open communication, you can dismantle the walls of deflection and forge a path toward genuine connection. Remember, together, you can conquer deflection and create a unique bond built on trust, understanding, and shared growth.
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