What Does It Take to Save a Marriage?

We fall in love. We plan a beautiful wedding and a life together. We marry.

But at some point, we run into problems.

What started out as beautiful becomes tarnished. Suddenly, saving your marriage looks difficult.

1. We argue or fight
2. We stop talking
3. We pull back from each other emotionally and physically

How do we bring the shine back to our marriages? Where do we go looking for ‘saving my marriage’ advice?

If you find in your heart and mind, the right reasons to save a marriage, look no further. The article highlights important steps to save your marriage.

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To save a marriage address these problems first

Let’s first review some of the significant problems that can occur, and then we’ll go into them more deeply.

In order to save your marriage, you will need to address each of these, before delving into things to do to save a marriage.

1. We don’t know how to communicate.
2. One or both of us are engaging in criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. (These are called The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by Gottman because he uses them to predict divorce)
3. We are caught in fighting over the symptom of the problem, rather than understanding what is activating our conflict.
4. We don’t feel emotionally safe, and consequently, we cannot connect.

We don’t know how to communicate

Communication is a complex skill. It involves having access to many aspects of ourselves.

For example, someone who communicates like a lawyer may seem like an excellent communicator.

Still, in the context of marriage, they are accessing their heart. So communication itself is a problem. I’ve seen couples struggle when one member needs to be right, and every communication, while clear, is like the stab of a knife. Without access to our hearts and vulnerabilities, we cannot communicate in a way that helps our marriage.

Engaging in criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling

This again points to communication.

Using criticism makes our partners feel awful, less than, and bullied.

Contempt is even worse for contempt attempts to make our partners feel shame and as if their very being is flawed.

When a person is defensive, they have a retort for everything you say.

They won’t look at themselves. Again they are blocking the connection.

Stonewalling means we withdraw from the interaction. We simply are not there. We may instead be out, tune our partner out, or even engage in behaviors like addiction.

There is no relationship if one person is absent, whether purposefully or not.

Fighting over the symptom of the problem

It is easy to get caught in the symptom.

So, for example, you want to spend a holiday at your parent’s house, and your spouse wants to stay home for the holidays.

It seems as if you are fighting over where to spend the holiday. What you are really fighting over is, “Do you care about what I want?” or “Am I important to you?” Both of you feel the other does not care about what you want or need.

Learning to talk about attachment needs is the key

Attachment needs can be explained as the needs mammals have to feel safe and connected.

And they are particularly pertinent in relationships.

Here are some examples of attachment needs you must understand to save a marriage.

1. We need to know our partner has our back and wants what is best for us.
2. We need to know we are important to them, and they care.
3. We need to know we are good enough, that they value us.
4. We need to know that our partners are accessible, responsive, and engaged with us.
5. We need to know what we care about matters to our partners.
6.  We don’t feel emotionally safe, and cannot connect

Emotional safety comes from a variety of behaviors, including the ability to be vulnerable.

It comes from appropriate communication.

It comes from talking about our deep needs. And it comes from knowing our partner has our best interest at heart.

Without emotional safety, we cannot truly let go. We don’t fully trust. We probably won’t share our deepest fears and desires.

Emotional safety is the bedrock of a truly connected relationship.

As you read this article on marriage saving tips, did you resonate with any of it? What problems did you identify with? What relational positives work in your marriage?

To save a marriage and make it great is like any journey of mastery. Just like learning any other new skill, it takes time and attention.

And since it is a time consuming process to save a marriage, and reconnect with your spouse, patience and persistence is the key.

Have you started on the journey of making your relationship the best it can be? It may be time to begin. We have access to so much information. There is no reason to settle for a less than great marriage.

To read a story about a couple learning to connect, read this article, The Real Relationship: Working it Out.

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Jennifer J Lehr Marriage & Family Therapist

I have authored a low-cost DIY online educational platform for couples to restore their relationship and create more intimacy and closeness.    WeConcile® can be used with a therapist to augment the therapy or without a therapist.   Couples read or listen to the content,... Read more do exercises and guided discussions. They are guided through learning in a systemized and step by step way. In Level 1 each couple first does an assessment to help them define their goals and issues. In Level 2 they then move into learning about their cycle. This is followed in Level 3 by learning about attachment and defining their own attachment needs and fears. In Level 4 they learn to view their experience through various lenses. In Level 5 they explore how they operate in a ‘we.’ In Level 6 they learn about the impact of their past on their relationship skills.   WeConcile consists of 24 levels. Some couples only need to complete a few levels to find the change they desire. Others will need to do more.   WeConcile uses established relationship science and incorporates theory from a number of couples modalities including Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples, Imago Relationship Therapy, Gestalt Therapy, mindfulness and attachment theory. Read less

(Jennifer J is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in Olga)

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Sample Question

When you and your partner talk about something important…

We listen with care — even hard talks feel safe and productive

We try to talk, but lately emotional closeness feels harder to reach

I want to be open, but part of me still guards my heart

Our discussions sometimes spiral or end unresolved

It’s hard to feel close because our physical intimacy hasn’t felt strong lately

We often see things differently about goals or priorities

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