Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there were a mathematical formula out there that, if followed, led to a guaranteed successful love match? The heart, however, has its own set of rules.
The famous French philosopher, Blaise Pascal, said it best: The heart has its reasons that reason doesn’t recognize
That said, there are important things to consider when choosing a life partner. You can establish a list as a base to follow that will ensure that your match will have a greater chance of providing you with a long-term happy relationship than if you just leave everything to love, lust and chance.
Here are some tips to consider when seeking a love partner, or when reflecting on if your current partner is “the one.”
Are you at your emotional best?
This may be a surprising “tip”, but it makes sense.
In order for you to choose an emotionally healthy partner, you need to also be in an emotionally healthy place.
Desperate people make bad choices, professionally and personally. How many rebound relationships turn out to be successful? Very few. So before you partner-up, make sure you have worked on all your emotional baggage, created a full and happy life for yourself, and are ready to attract someone who is worthy of your best self.
Take your time
When choosing a life partner, we’ve all been in that situation where we’ve meet someone that seems just fantastic. Everything clicked that first evening; he is hot, he has a great job, he is single, he is looking to fall in love, and he really pays attention to every word you are saying. You are smitten and want to spend as much time with this great guy as possible.
But slow down.
Don’t invest all your emotional energy into this fellow right away. Keep living your great life. Go out with your other friends. Work hard. Work out.
And pace yourself with this person, seeing him once or twice a week maximum. If this is The Real Thing, you’ll want to grow it slowly, and give yourselves the gift of getting to know each other over time.
If this truly is your life partner, you’ll want to build that bond incrementally, so that it is solid and lasting.
Broaden your search
Sure, you have your ideas of what you’d like your life partner to be.
But open up your search criteria a little bit in order to have access to a broader sample of potential mates. If you always fall for extroverts, take a closer look at the guy who is quiet but thoughtful at your book group.
If your wish list for choosing a life partner included high-level corporate professional, don’t ignore that young man who is doing well with his photography business. Take time to get to know people from all walks of life.
The universe may surprise you with a life partner that looks nothing like you had envisioned, but who is perfect for you.
Identify some broad-range qualities, don’t get hung up on the details
It’s a good idea to have a mental list of the qualities you need in a life partner, but these should be broad strokes and not small print items. In other words, concentrate on the basic characteristics any well-meaning human should possess. Empathy, integrity, honesty, kindness, emotional generosity and caring for others.
If your guy has those, you’ve already got the basis for a great partnership.
Delete from your list those little things that really aren’t deal breakers in a relationship – good at cooking (this can be learned), can fix stuff around the house (you can outsource this), same taste in music (really? Don’t you want to learn about new musical groups?).
Sex is not a deal maker
We all know couples who have little in common except a mutual lust for each other. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that if things are hot in the bedroom, it means this guy is the one.
Good sex is important in the overall health of a relationship, but if that is all you’ve got, it isn’t enough to build a long-term partnership with.
It also does not excuse bad behavior in other parts of your relationship. So take off those lust-filled glasses and make sure your life partner has other things going for him aside from bedroom skills. Because at some point you have to get out of the bedroom and actually relate emotionally and intellectually.
Choose someone who loves you as you are
We all put on our best face when first dating.
You’ll dress up, do your hair and makeup, and your conversation will be witty and on point. But as time goes on, with the right person, you can also be exactly who you are: a weekend spent in your old college sweatshirt and shorts, clean-faced and tired of keeping up with political events.
With the right person, you can be relaxed and genuine, showing all sides of your personality from the strongest to the most vulnerable.
And he still adores you. This doesn’t mean to let yourself go, far from it.
We all like our partners to put in the effort to woo us, even after 20 years of marriage. But it means that if you’ve found someone who thinks you are the best thing since sliced bread, even when you are just sitting there doing a crossword puzzle in your old hoodie and gym pants, you’ve got yourself a keeper.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.