Single and unhappy? Oh my God, please quit dating! Millions of people reading this article, who are single, maybe disgusted with what they are about to read. But the truth sometimes hurts. Here’s the most important statement you’ll ever read. If you’re not happy being single, you’ll never be happy in a relationship.But it’s reality. And it’s the type of reality you’re not going to be reading in many relationship articles or self-help books.The truth sometimes sucks to hear, but you can’t argue with the truth. Well, you can but it’s wasting your time.
Single, unhappy people will go into a relationship as unhappy
If you’re needy right now, if you have a fear of being alone, if you think your world sucks because you’re single and alone on a Friday night while all of your friends are married, engaged or in a supposedly great relationship, you’ve got to get out of the world of dating. Single people who are unhappy being single, well guess what will go into a relationship as an unhappy person.
If you’re unhappy and needy you’re going to make a bad choice
On the other hand, if you can find joy, happiness, and inner peace while you are single, you’re going to have great judgment when it comes to picking a potential partner. But, if you’re unhappy and needy, which go hand-in-hand in the world of singlehood, you’re probably going to be a lousy picker when it comes to potential partners.
We see people who are single and unhappy jumping way too soon to get into a relationship, or, vice versa, judging everyone so harshly that they may be years on their own without a relationship because they’re just a damn unhappy person. No one can make you happy and you can’t make anyone else happy either.
Unhappy single people have a tendency to talk about their ex-partners within the first few dates of a new a relationship. So if you’re happy single person, and you’re dating someone who constantly bitches about their ex-lover, ex-husband, ex-wife, run, no wait, sprint the hell out of that restaurant now!
A happy single person bears no resentments against their ex
You see, a happy person, a happy single person, has already done the work to release their resentments against their former partners, have no need to bitch and complain about the people they have been within the past.
I have helped several women, one comes to mind right now, who was in two terrible marriages and came into my office because she was so disgusted with the men she found available to date. Within six months of really hard introspective work, she had turned herself totally around. She became an incredibly happy person, while single.
It was another six months before she decided to go out into the world of dating, and when she did, she knew exactly what she was looking for. She probably had 20 first dates, but most guys never made it past the first date because they fell victim to their past. They started to complain about their former girlfriends and wives.
She knew this was an incredibly bright red flag, and would have nothing to do with it. She was not only happy but incredibly satisfied being single, so she had no need to be with anyone in a relationship that wasn’t at her level.
Months and months went by, many first dates turned into zero second dates, and then she finally found someone that she connected with. A guy who had done an equal amount of work with a different counselor, who was really happy being on his own.
Two single happy people can make a very happy couple. But if you’re willing to hang out with someone who is not happy in the world of singlehood, you’re asking for big trouble.
Here are 4 steps you can take if you’re single, needy and unhappy
1. You need to release all resentments against your ex-partner
Work with a professional to release all, and I mean all resentments against your former partners. If you’re not willing to do this, please stay off the dating sites for the rest of your life.
2. Find something to do on weekends that you absolutely love
Go to the beach alone, go to movies alone, go out to dinners alone, join a meetup group with other like-minded people whether it’s kayakers, photographers, ballroom dancers. It really doesn’t matter but make sure you’re being a very happy person while you’re healing from any past relationships.
3. Steer clear of dating
Stay off of all dating sites, cancel all blind dates until you’ve done the first two steps. If you still resent a former partner, I don’t care how justified you think you are for holding onto resentments, you’re going to make a lousy partner today. And, if you can’t find happiness on the weekends by yourself, once again you’re not going to be a very good partner for anyone else.
4. Relish being single
Think about how great it is that you have all this time to volunteer, paint, become a great gardener, musician, really take advantage of the time when there are no expectations other than taking care of yourself. And of course, if you have kids, focus on your children during this downtime from the world of dating. Relish every second, as so many people have told you they’re going to grow up super fast, so don’t miss a minute.
Find your own path to happiness
At first, when people hear my advice in the world of dating, they’re taken aback. Many will argue that the purpose of being on this earth is to be in love, to find a partner. The purpose on this earth is the find your own path to happiness, serve others at your highest level of awakening, and then, you can integrate the world of love and relationships into a lifestyle that you’re already happy with.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
More by David Essel