Should I Stay or Should I Go? A Common Relationship Dilemma

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It’s not just a song by the Clash.

If you have got the words “Should I stay or should I go” going around the inside of your head, it probably means you are taking stock of your relationship.

When a relationship is going well, the thought of staying or leaving doesn’t enter you mind.

But if you are starting to have doubts about the long term viability of the relationship you are in, this may explain the “Should I stay or should I go” thoughts that you are having right now.

Evaluating whether you should stay or leave your partner is a process, and it is not an easy one.

Let’s examine some relationship scenarios that will help you get closer to an answer to should I stay or should I go?

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Should I stay or should I go?

The decision is a critical one because it has multiple levels of impact to your life, and, if you have children, to your family’s life.

When the answer is clear

Some relationship issues are clear cut red flags, making the decision to stay or leave an easy one. What would those scenarios look like?

• You are in a physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive relationship with a partner unwilling to seek help.
• Your partner has an addiction that is affecting your relationship and the family’s welfare, and is unwilling to seek help.
• Your partner is unfaithful and untrustworthy.
• Your partner is secretive and often lies to you.

In these cases, you do not need to spend long hours seeking justification for wanting to leave. Your safety and well-being are at stake, and you would want to exit this relationship as soon as possible.

But sometimes the answer to “Should I stay or should I go” is not clear.

To go or not to go, that is the question

In relationships where your physical and mental health are not in danger, deciding whether to stay or leave requires careful reflection.

Checking out of the relationship without thoroughly considering what is at stake can rob you of a unique opportunity for growth and self-reflection, and, in the worst-case scenario, may prematurely end a potentially fantastic relationship that could have been saved had good communication tools been employed.

Can your relationship be saved?

Before you make any decision regarding staying or leaving your marriage, it makes sense to try and see if your relationship can be saved. You have invested energy into this relationship, perhaps decades-worth.

That is reason enough to carefully consider what your next step should be.

Whether you do this under the expert guidance of a marriage therapist, or by using some solid tips culled from books or the internet, ask yourself if it is possible to get back to a good place with your partner.

• Can you reignite the love and connection that drew you together in the first place?
• Can you work on the relationship in such a way that it becomes life-enhancing, allowing for personal growth in both of you?
• Are there enough positives in your “relationship bank” to overcome the current feelings that are causing you to question whether to stay or leave the marriage?

How to know if the relationship can be saved

• You continue to be sensitive to each other’s needs. This is a sign your relationship can be saved because it means you are still listening and tuned in to each other.
• You share things other than sex. A relationship is more than just an available sexual partner. If you and your loved one can still connect on multiple levels, that’s a sign that your relationship can be saved.
• You are each other’s safe harbors. You may be fighting, but you continue to feel safe enough to express conflict. It’s a good sign that you feel secure and safe with each other.
• Your spouse’s happiness and well-being remains a priority. If these feelings are present, it bodes well for saving the relationship.

Reasons for wanting to leave a relationship

As you reflect on the question, “ Should I stay or should I go”, why not make a list of some of the reasons for wanting to leave?

For example:

• You no longer look forward to spending time with your partner, and invent excuses to be out of the house in the evenings or weekends.
• You share little in common, and live more like roommates than true partners.
• Your sex life is non-existent, not satisfying, or non-consensual.
• You prefer to be on your screens- either phone, pc or television, than engaging in conversation with your partner.
• You feel utterly disconnected from them. It’s like living with a stranger.

How to make the decision to stay or leave

If you are at the point that you are asking yourself “should I leave?”, you probably have a lot of anger stored up inside of you.

Angry at being unheard, unseen, unappreciated. Whatever has provoked these strong emotions, it is best not to let anger be the deciding factor in whether you go or not go.

Anger is merely unexpressed emotion. Before rummaging through your mind, for an answer to, “Should I stay or should I go”, it would be better for you and your partner to reveal the emotions that are behind the anger than to just pack your suitcases and leave in a huff.

By sitting down with your partner and showing them, in non-threatening language, why you are upset, you may just be opening up a conversation that will connect you back to your feelings of deep love for each other.

If, on the other hand, your partner refuses to engage in a conversation about your feelings, they have just shown who they really are and your answer to the question “should I stay or should I go” is clear.

Start packing. The question, Should I stay or should I leave my marriage”, is redundant now.