How to Understand Sexual Consent in Healthy Relationships

One of the common yet wrong notions that people have about relationships is that they have exclusive rights to their partner’s body to engage in sexual activities whether they approve or not. 

This conventional ideology has affected the dynamics of many relationships because some people view their partners as sex objects and nothing more.

Before engaging in any sexual activity with your partner, you need to seek consent from them, irrespective of the number of times you’ve done it. In this article, you will learn what sexual consent means and some tips to guide you when seeking consent.

What is sexual consent?

Sexual consent means an agreement to take part in sexual activities. It means that before you get sexually involved with someone, you have to give your consent and also seek theirs. 

When sexual activities occur without consent, it can be regarded as a sexual assault which is a punishable crime in many countries around the world.

When you learn to seek consent or how to give consent, it will help you love and respect your partner more. Sexual consent also implies that you value your partner more than the sex and are interested in everything that concerns them.

To understand more about the concept of sexual consent, this study by Malachi Willis and other brilliant authors is a must-read. The study is titled Sexual Consent in Committed Relationships, and it is based on the data from 37 dyads who were in committed sexual relationships. 

When and how to ask for consent

Knowing when and how to ask for consent can also determine whether your partner will agree to what you want. 

Before you commence any sexual activity, asking your partner for consent is best. Even if they have always consented in the past, you cannot be so sure that they would give their approval this time around.

Your partner might face difficulty in any aspect of their lives, and sexual activities might not be on their priority list. Hence, to get the best experience with your partner regarding sexual activities, ask for their consent, and avoid pressuring them to accept your demands.

Why is it important to understand sexual consent?

If you are in a relationship or not, it is crucial to understand the essence of sexual consent because it can affect the dynamics of the union between you and the other party. Here are some points that answer the question of why is consent important.

1. It signifies respect

When you know the importance of consent in a relationship, you will be able to know how to respect your partner. It means you might not make any sex-related decisions unless they approve.

Your partner can count on you to show that you care about and respect them beyond what they offer sensually. 

When you ask for consent, it does not mean you are weak. Instead, it shows you are ready to respect anything your partner decides. They may also reciprocate this show of respect by asking for consent on some occasions.

Related Reading: 10 Reasons Why Respect Is Important in a Relationship

2. It eliminates the prospects of judgment

Giving consent in a relationship helps partners to avoid judging each other. When you request consent in a relationship, it shows your partner that you are not under pressure. So, if they accede to your demands, you’re fine with their decision.

If they don’t, you won’t judge them for it. Similarly, with consensual consent comes transparency. Your consent request will help you understand your partner’s choices, and you won’t question them for it.

3. It can determine how your partner feels about you

When it comes to sexual consent, you need to understand how it works because it can affect how your partner sees and feels about you. If you don’t request consent when you want to engage in sexual activity, your partner might feel that their only importance is for sex.

However, when you ask for sexual consent, it shows that you care about your partner and their feelings. So, you would be willing to accept their decisions whether they favor you. Moreso, one fact about consent is that it reveals your values and some aspects of your personality.

4. People with past trauma need it

If you are with someone who experienced a terrible past regarding sex, you need to be more intentional about asking for consent. The person might not have healed from the trauma or pain in the past, and if you don’t request sexual consent, you may be making the situation worse. 

Therefore, asking for consent shows that you care about how they feel and would not put your wants and needs above what they are facing.

Related Reading: 10 Ways Past Sexual Trauma Affects Your Relationship

4 types of consent

Sexual consent in relationships occurs when one partner agrees to the other half’s wants. Even though their partner’s proposal might not be convenient, they must voluntarily agree because they care about and respect their feelings.

Here are the four types of consent you should know

1. Implied consent

Impact consent is a type of consent that is not given expressly by a person. However, their actions and circumstances will subtly suggest they agree. This means that the person will not explicitly mention what they want, but they will display some signs that will signify a go-ahead.

For instance, you might request consent from someone, and instead of receiving a yes, all you get is a kiss on the cheek or mouth. This could mean they agree but don’t want to voice it out.

2. Express consent

Express consent involves being vocal or open about giving consent. Hence, if you ask for consent from your partner before engaging in any sexual activity indicates their willingness. They are probably interested in what you want to do and don’t want to confuse you by giving masked signals.

Related Reading: 10 Characteristics of a Healthy Sexual Relationship

3. Enthusiastic consent

This type of consent means that you should only engage in any sexual activity because you want to do it and not because you are expected to. Hence, if you are not interested, you have no obligation to grant their consent because you are not in your feelings.

Also, enthusiastic consent may be given through body language signs like eye contact, smiling, tongue movement, nodding, etc. These signs are not absolute but may further highlight the person’s enthusiasm for sex with the other party.

4. Informed consent

Informed consent sex occurs when you obtain consent after informing the other person of what to expect during the sexual activity. For example, you could seek their consent to kiss them and inform them that you might engage in other forms of romance if they are okay with it.

Another example could be to tell them if you have any infections or diseases they might be exposed to. When it comes to informed consent, there is no intimidation, manipulation, coercion, threats, or the use of physical force.

What consent sounds and looks like

Getting consent from your partner shows you are not desperate about your wants or needs. With some of these consent examples below, you can ask your partner the right questions when engaging in sexual activity. These examples will give you more insight into the question of what does consent look like?

1. Are you feeling good?
2. Let me know if you want me to stop
3. Are you okay with this?
4. Do you want it like this
5. Tell me if you’re comfortable with this

8 guidelines for consent to build healthy relationships

If you want to keep your relationship healthy and move on the right track, you need to understand how to get consent from your partner. Here are some tips to get you started

1. Get educated about sex and consent

When it comes to consent and making your relationship rock-solid and healthy, you need to educate yourself on what consent means. Knowing what consent involves will let you know when your partner is in the mood or not in the mood for sex. 

Also, you will learn how to communicate with your partner if they request consent from you concerning engaging in sexual activity.

Related Reading: What Is Sexual Coercion? Know Its Signs and How to Deal

2. Be patient with your partner

Another important guideline is to be patient with your partner when taking consent. 

If they are not ready to consent, don’t argue or feel surprised by their response. You need to understand that they might have reasons for their response. You can also ask them politely after some time to see if they’ve changed their minds.

3. Don’t get angry when they don’t accept your demands

If you ask for consent from your partner and they don’t accept, don’t take it out on them. Some will want revenge on their partner because they did not consent initially. 

Avoid denying your partner their consent request because of what they did to you; it can affect your relationship dynamics.

4. Put yourself in their shoes

An important consent rule guiding you in your relationship is to be empathetic. You must put yourself in your partner’s shoes when you sometimes don’t get what you want. 

Also, you may need to give excuses for your partner instead of blaming them. Doing this will help to prevent conflict and save your relationship in the long run.

5. Be open with your expectations

If you need anything from your partner as regards any sexual activity, you need to be open with them. Sometimes, one of the reasons you might not get approval from your partner is that you are not open about what you want. 

You can learn to be more expressive about your desires and watch your partner take it from there.

6. Don’t impose your sexual desires on them

To fully enjoy the dividends of a happy and healthy relationship regarding sex, be careful not to force your sexual desires on your spouse. 

Before you do anything, discuss it with them and see if they will agree to it or not. If they are uncomfortable with your sexual expectations, they might not give you the consent you need.

7. Communicate with them in bed

When you communicate with your partner during sexual activities, it becomes easier to understand them, especially when they sometimes don’t consent. 

You need to ensure that your partner is satisfied with you, and you have to communicate what you feel to them so that the two of you will be on the same page.

8. Be interested in other aspects of your partner’s life

Beyond sex with your partner, ensure you are invested in other areas of their life. 

If you love and care about your partner, show it to them instead of revealing your interest when you want to have sex. Sometimes, your partner does not approve of your consent because they might feel that they are being used to satisfy your desires.

Related Reading: 10 Characteristics of a Good Partner

Understanding sexual assault

Sexual assault is when one deliberately touches another person inappropriately without seeking their consent. 

In some cases, they might physically force them to engage in sexual activity to fulfill their sensual desires. Some common types of sexual assault are rape, fondling, forceful penetration, unsolicited sexual touching, etc.

Sexual assault should never be encouraged in any way and this study has a lot to say about the mental and psychological effects that come with it. This research by Emily R Dworkin and other authors is titled Sexual assault victimization and psychopathology tries to explain these effects.

To learn more about how to tell someone you were sexually assaulted, click here.

What to do if you’ve been sexually assaulted

When an individual is sexually assaulted, they may suffer some effects that might linger for a long time. Some may not even know the right step because they are still shocked. If you or someone you know was sexually assaulted, here are some things they can do.

1. Look out for your safety

If you have been sexually assaulted or were forced to consent under the influence of anything beyond normal, you must ensure your safety. 

When most people get assaulted, they likely experience shock, which might prevent them from making the right decision. They will still try to process the event, but it may be difficult because they are not in a perfect state of mind.

You can reach out to a trusted family member or friend to talk to. When you get in touch with someone you trust, you can open up and receive support and care.

Related Reading: The Importance of Feeling Safe in a Relationship and Tips

Watch this video to learn more about personal safety in the modern world:

2. Seek support

When you feel safe with any of your loved ones, the next step is to look out for support. People who experience sexual assault are likely not to remain the same after that incident. Some may withdraw from their shell because they don’t want to experience the situation again.

Therefore, seek support from trained professionals who specialize in helping victims of sexual assault. They can also help you get justice from the right bodies that handle such crimes.

3. Try to reconnect with your life

After undergoing sexual assault, you might lose touch with who you are, and you might find yourself getting depressed or anxious. 

You need to resume some of the activities and hobbies that you’re known for. It is important not to rush yourself into the whole process but take things gradually so you will not be overwhelmed. 

While you try to feel like yourself again, remember that processing trauma is a slow but sure process.

Related Reading: Falling Out of Love? Four Ways to Reconnect with Your Partner

Some commonly asked questions

Here are the answers to some [pressing questions that can give you clarity on the importance and role of sexual consent in relationships:

• What to do if consent is not given or withdrawn?

If you request sexual consent and the person does not grant it, you need to be more patient with them. You can also communicate with them to understand why they refused to consent. Also, be careful not to take it out on them because you might be able to grant consent some other time.

• How do you give consent to someone?

One of the best ways to give sexual consent is to expressly communicate your intentions. If you want to engage in sexual activity with someone, you can vocalize or write it down instead of giving them mixed signals. This essential consent rule will help them understand what you truly want.

Final thoughts

Knowing what sexual consent involves is quintessential to having a healthy relationship where both partners love and care about each other. 

If you’ve been previously befuddled on what consent means and how to seek consent, this article has been an eye-opener for you. Hence, you can apply the tips in this piece to know the right time and method on how to ask for consent. 

If you need more help understanding consent and ensuring you and your partner are on the same page concerning consent and sex, don’t hesitate to attend couples therapy together.

For more tips on understanding and applying good consent, this book by Cindy Crabb would be great for you. The book is titled Learning Good Consent, and it helps partners in romantic relationships to build their union the right way.