There is a fact that continues to hold the truth in life, you do not get to pick your family members or the things that you have experienced from your family of origin as a child. Childhood trauma has a way of winding its way back to the forefront of individuals who would love to suppress it forever and never revisit it again.
Unprocessed trauma surfaces amidst marital problems
In marriage past hurt and trauma can deteriorate the core and essence of the relationship and bring to light the unhealed wounds of the past. Unprocessed trauma and grief can come out during arguments, marital disagreements or situations in which the individuals are reminded by their spouse of something that they went through growing up and lash out in reaction.
It is imperative to come into a marriage healed from the emotional trauma
Unhealed emotional hurt can manifest in marriage as insecurity, fear, and a lack of intimacy and eventually total disconnect. When you think about it, it is within our families of origin that we learn the principles of trust. As helpless infants’ individuals must trust parents for food, survival, and affection. If this trust has been compromised in any way one may struggle with fully trusting in marriage or romantic relationships. This can set up resentment hidden anger and an inability to attach securely with their partner. How individuals bond and attach to others is dependent on their initial attachment to their family of origin. This attachment and bond can be affected by childhood trauma thus affecting the wounded individual’s future marriage.
It is very important for individuals to understand how they connect with people in order to explore the origin of the inability to fully connect. When individuals have lived much of their lives in survival mode they may desire love but not know how to give it or receive it. Growing up the child of an alcoholic or the victim of any type of abuse emotional, physical or sexual will cause core issues to surface.
Problems rooted in childhood trauma
These core issues or problems can be fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, difficulty giving love, difficulty receiving love and a high tolerance for inappropriate behavior.
Fear of abandonment is a core issue in which the individual has experienced abandonment from their family of origin. The individuals experiencing this core issue will cling to anyone especially in a romantic relationship. They will lower their boundaries and sometimes standards in order not to be abandoned again. In marriage, this looks like the clingy too needy spouse that has deep rooted fear of being left alone as they were left as a child and it causes serious insecurity issues. Individuals who have a high tolerance for inappropriate behavior have abandonment issues as well. In marriage, this looks as if the spouse in question will accept and take repeated mistreatment in order for the other person not to leave them.
They may also suffer from the core issue of low self-esteem and they do not see themselves as worthy of good treatment due to what they experienced in their family of origin. Therefore, they will have loose boundaries while continuously experiencing a broken heart at their own expense. They do not have the ability to stand up for themselves past the inappropriate behavior or abuse that they are willing to accept. The good news is core issues can be healed with therapy and a willingness to detach from the dysfunction of their past.