17 Unspoken Boundaries for Being Friends With an Ex

There could be many complications in a relationship. But breaking up is the most terrible thing and hurts a lot. And when you decide to stay friends with your ex, things can get even trickier. 

We’ve all been there, wondering if it’s a good idea or just asking for trouble. That shift from lovers to friends is a bit like walking on eggshells.

So, how do you make this friendship thing work without stirring up old feelings? Well, that’s where boundaries for being friends with an ex come in. 

In this guide, we’ll break down the basics of keeping it friendly with your ex without turning your life into a soap opera. Let’s dive into the simple art of setting boundaries and making the ex-friendship thing a breeze.

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How do you set friendship boundaries with an ex: 5 easy ways 

A person who’s going through a breakup, especially if the relationship was long-term, struggles with many issues. One of them is not having closure. 

This is why some people say spending time with an ex is not a good idea since it can bring up many feelings and memories.

According to Psychologist Mert Şeker,

In the process of forming a friendship after a former romantic relationship, the emotional turmoil and potential conflicts resulting from the end of the relationship should be taken into account. At this point, the importance of determining friendship boundaries emerges.

First, it is important to assess the emotional well-being of the parties and understand and accept the effects of the past relationship. Communication channels should be determined and the boundaries that the parties feel comfortable with should be discussed.

Additionally, careful communication and understanding should be the basis to prevent the recurrence of past romantic feelings and to preserve the independence of both parties. This can support the process of building a healthy and sustainable friendship between exes.

But, before you figure out how to be friends with an ex, you need to consider these:

1. Deal with lingering feelings

When trying to recover from a breakup, most people have lingering feelings such as anger. So, one of the rules for being friends with an ex is to make sure you don’t have any lingering feelings of pain and anger. You shouldn’t vent out these feelings when you meet them.

2. Work on your self-confidence

Your confidence is affected when a breakup occurs since you begin to question yourself. You might have thoughts that you’re not beautiful or smart enough. These questions come from trying to know why the breakup occurred. By doing this, your self-esteem gets affected. 

If you were the one who broke up, you could also question yourself if what you did was right or if there was something wrong with you for doing it. When you establish boundaries for being friends with an ex, you have to work on your confidence.

3. Have closure

Closure can be in different forms, such as screaming at your ex, breaking their possessions, or physically hurting them. But the healthiest form is having a conversation with your ex, which is rare. Maintaining healthy boundaries of friendship with an ex requires both of you to have closure.

4. Define the friendship zone

Clearly lay out what being friends means for both of you. Are you grabbing coffee once a month, or is it just a friendly wave when you bump into each other? Setting expectations from the get-go helps avoid misunderstandings.

5. Know when to take a step back

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, staying friends might not be the healthiest option. If the friendship starts interfering with your well-being or hinders your ability to move on, it’s okay to take a step back. Prioritize your own happiness and emotional health.

17 unspoken boundaries for being friends with an ex

What are some ways of establishing or setting boundaries with exes while maintaining a friendship with them? Learn more about it here.

1. Don’t publish posts about your ex on social media

One of the boundaries for being friends with an ex is you shouldn’t post about them on your social media accounts. Others could misinterpret this.

This can also cause a trigger for your ex. If they see you posting about them, it makes it more difficult to become friends. It’s better to tell them directly what you want to say instead of posting on social media platforms.

Psychologist Mert Şeker points out,

Not publishing posts about your ex on social media can be supported for a variety of reasons. First, protecting personal privacy: Sharing the details of a former relationship with the public at large can put individuals’ privacy at risk.

Second, maintaining emotional well-being: Posts about your ex can revive past emotional connections, which can cause emotional strain on both parties. Third, the sustainability of the social environment and relationships:

Posts about your ex can lead to potential tensions between mutual friends and family members, which can threaten the integrity of the social environment. Therefore, avoiding posts about your ex in order to respect the special memories of past relationships and protect the emotional well-being of individuals stands out as a way to set healthy boundaries in social media use.

2. Don’t stalk them online

Most people are active on social media. But, you must keep creating healthy boundaries in friendships with exes to resist stalking their social media. That’s because you can feel worse when you see your ex doing things you never did together. You can feel hate and jealousy. So, it’s better to resist to have peace of mind. 

3. Respect each other’s privacy 

You don’t have the right to know what happens in your ex’s life once you break up. You shouldn’t be updated on who they’re dating or what they’re doing. 

It can be difficult, but giving each other privacy and space is crucial for you to be friends.

4. Don’t compare your previous relationship to your future relationships

What happened between you and your ex is all in the past. That means it’s finished. You have to accept it because this is one of the important relationship rules about exes. 

Aside from not showing respect to your ex, you also feel disappointed when you compare your past relationship with the future ones. Remember that your past relationship won’t be the same with your future partner.

Healing from a past relationship is important if you want to have healthy relationships in the future. This book, Whole Again by Jackson MacKenzie, discusses how you can rediscover yourself after a bad relationship or even abuse.

5. Show respect to their new partner

When you want to be friends with your ex, you must consider their new partner. This can be challenging, especially if you still feel something for them. You have to accept that they’re moving on when you establish boundaries for being friends with an ex. 

6. Don’t try to bring up the past

This means the past should stay in the past. You lose the chance to be friends with your ex when trying to relive it. This can result in feeling bitterness and hatred. If you become nostalgic about your past, you should contemplate why you want to be friends with your ex. 

7. Talk about positive and light topics

A good friendship with your ex means you have to keep your conversations positive and light. You shouldn’t try to talk about previous fights, sensitive topics, or anything about the past. 

This doesn’t mean you can’t talk about serious stuff. If you do so, you have to be careful not to make your ex feel uncomfortable or hurt their feelings.

8. Don’t talk about your past relationship with their new partner

You should stop yourself when you feel tempted to talk about your ex to their current partner. You have established a new relationship as friends, so allow their new relationship to develop.

You have to allow them to discover what works and doesn’t work in their relationship.

9. Don’t give unsolicited love advice

Receiving unsolicited advice isn’t fun. To have healthy boundaries with your ex, you should only advise about love when you’re directly asked. Their new relationship is none of your business, and you could hurt or offend your ex. 

10. Don’t share private details about your life after the breakup

Though you’re friends now, you should keep in mind not to share private details of your life after breaking up. You don’t need to share every detail with them even though your friends already. 

Staying friends with an ex means they no longer need to know who you’re sleeping with or dating. This can result in making them feel uncomfortable.

11. Avoid contacting each other unless needed

Even if you’ve become best friends with your ex, it doesn’t mean you should unnecessarily contact each other. When you discuss random things with your ex, you might cross the boundaries for being friends with an ex. 

They might get the idea that you want to be together again. So, except during an emergency, avoid reaching out to your ex. 

12. It’s best to hang out with others

The best way to hang out is with a group of friends. You might feel awkward when you haven’t fully established a friendship if you and your ex hang out alone. When you’re in a group, there’s less pressure to talk, and you prevent feeling awkward with each other. 

13. Throw out your ex’s possessions

You likely still have some of your ex’s things after you break up. It’s recommended to throw these things away or keep them away somewhere. Seeing these will only remind you of the past, which is not a good idea when trying to be friends with them.

14. Don’t flirt or touch

It’s a bad idea to touch or flirt with your ex since this might be misinterpreted. Your ex might think you want to reconcile. Also, flirting can lead to something more intimate. 

This could make your friendship awkward, mainly if one of you develops feelings. 

15. Talk about your new partners at the right moment

You can freely talk about your new relationships when you and your ex have established a comfortable relationship. When you do this, you might also get the closure you need. Because you’re friends now, the most important thing is for both of you to be happy. 

16. Keep past in the past

When it comes to being friends with an ex, let’s leave the past where it belongs—behind us. This means no dwelling on old arguments or romantic moments. It’s about focusing on the now and building a fresh, new friendship without dragging the baggage of what used to be.

Here’s a powerful speech on how to move on, let go, and leave your past in the past:

17. Mind the PDA

Public Displays of Affection, or PDA, can get tricky when you’re friends with an ex. Keep things simple in public—no overly touchy-feely stuff. 

It’s not about hiding your friendship but more about avoiding any confusion. Just be mindful of the signals you might be sending, both to each other and the people around you.

How to be friends with your ex: 7 ways to keep it cool

What are some ways in which you can be friends with your ex? Read on to know more.

1. Have good intentions

If you truly care about your ex and want to see them happy, you should become friends with them. You can’t establish good boundaries for being friends with an ex if you have a hidden agenda. That’s because it will make things hard and complicated.

2. Be honest

If there are topics you don’t feel comfortable discussing, you can communicate with your ex. This is especially helpful when making boundaries with an ex when in a new relationship. You both have to listen to each other and respect what you both want. 

3. Have patience

You have to give yourself time when developing any kind of relationship, such as friendships. That means you shouldn’t expect things to go well overnight. You have to give it time; eventually, you’ll have that kind of relationship.

4. Let go of your past

Being friends with ex means not talking about fights or arguments in the past. You have to move forward and concentrate on the present. By doing this, you make your friendship less complicated and easy.

5. Have respect

All kinds of relationships need respect. That’s where these start and end. If you want boundaries for being friends with an ex, you have to understand that you have to show the respect that you want for yourself. 

Psychologist Mert Şeker observes that,

Establishing a genuine friendship with an ex allows one to showcase one’s own emotional intelligence and maturity. Showing respect can make it easier for both parties to establish a new social bond within healthy boundaries, free from the negative effects of a past romantic relationship.

Therefore, maintaining respect when maintaining a friendship with an ex is important to strengthen individuals’ emotional well-being and learn positively from past experiences.

6. Enjoy

Friendships are meant to be enjoyable. You shouldn’t be too serious when trying to be friends with your ex. Having a good time is what creating friendships means.

7. Choose group hangouts

When it comes to spending time with your ex, opting for group hangouts is like having a safety net for your friendship. It’s not about avoiding one-on-one time entirely but rather creating a relaxed atmosphere that minimizes any potential awkwardness.

FAQs 

So, you’ve found yourself in the post-breakup friendship maze. It’s a common scenario that sparks a bunch of questions. Let’s tackle some of those FAQs about being friends with an ex, keeping it simple and real.

• Is it possible to be friends with an ex?

Absolutely, it’s possible. People navigate the transition from exes to friends all the time. It takes some effort, clear communication, and a mutual understanding of the new dynamics.

• Can you be friends with your ex?

Sure thing! Being friends with an ex is like starting a new chapter. It might be different, but with the right mindset and some boundaries, it can work out just fine.

• Is it disrespectful to be friends with an ex?

Not necessarily. It depends on how both you and your ex feel about it. If you’re both comfortable and respectful of each other’s boundaries, then there’s nothing disrespectful about it.

• Is it okay to date someone your friend dated?

Well, that’s a tricky one. It really depends on the situation and how everyone feels about it. It’s crucial to communicate openly and make sure everyone is on the same page to avoid unnecessary drama.

• Why is it toxic to be friends with your ex?

It’s not always toxic, but sometimes it can be. If there are unresolved feelings, constant arguments, or if it’s hindering your ability to move on, it might be time to reevaluate. A healthy friendship should feel well, healthy, and not toxic.

Keeping it real and simple

Finally, you know the boundaries for being friends with an ex and how to be friends with them. This may seem scary, but it’s possible as long as you are on the same page. You just need to be honest and open when communicating friendship boundaries with them. 

You’ve got nothing to lose when you become friends with your ex. You might be surprised at how things will work out for you when this happens. 

If it doesn’t work out, the most important thing is you try. If you need advice or someone to talk to about this situation.

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Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle... Read more in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Read less

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