7 Signs of Anxious Avoidant Attachment & How to Deal

Imagine you’re in a relationship with someone who withdraws just as things start to feel close or who avoids discussing emotions, leaving you feeling uncertain. This is often how anxious avoidant attachment in adults can play out, characterized by a push-pull dynamic that makes genuine connection challenging.

Anxious avoidant attachment, also known as the anxious avoidant type, combines a desire for closeness with a fear of vulnerability, leading to mixed signals and emotional distance. 

Understanding this attachment style—its roots, behaviors, and causes—can be transformative for anyone struggling to maintain healthy relationships. 

In this article, we’ll explore anxious avoidant attachment, the signs to look for, and effective strategies to manage it, so you can approach relationships with greater awareness and compassion.

What is attachment theory?

Attachment theory has been around for many years and was described first by John Bowlby. He was interested in seeing how children react to the treatment they receive from their parents or caregiver when they are a baby.

Your attachment style is essentially how you relate to the first person that took care of you. If they were attentive to your needs and comforted you when you needed

There are essentially 4 main types of attachment styles:

• Secure attachment: When an individual has a secure attachment style, this means they are both able to give and receive love and affection.  
• Anxious attachment: A person with anxious attachment will likely be anxious in all relationships. Even if they are in a healthy relationship, they may be afraid that things will change in an instant.

• Avoidant attachment: As the name suggests, those with an avoidant attachment will sometimes get close to others and then feel the need to separate themselves from the person they grew close to.

LMHC Grady Shumway highlights,

The anxiety can manifest as clinginess or a constant need for reassurance from their partner. As a result, they may struggle to trust that their loved ones will remain committed and emotionally available.

• Fearful avoidant attachment: A child may develop this type of attachment if they are abused or mistreated when they are a baby, which can cause them to be unable to form healthy bonds with others.

What is an anxious-avoidant attachment style?

When a person has anxious-avoidant attachment, this means that they have a deep need to connect with others, but once they are able to connect, they may try to leave the situation. 

This could be because their needs weren’t met on a consistent basis when they were a baby. These inconsistencies can affect someone throughout their entire lives and through many relationships, both platonic and romantic.

Due to a child’s treatment in their early life, they will want to be intimate with another person, but they will be unable to hold up their end of the arrangement once they meet this goal. 

This may cause a person to be unable to have close friends or healthy relationships. They might date a lot but never get serious with someone.

What causes an anxious-avoidant attachment?

Anxious-avoidant attachment often stems from early childhood experiences with caregivers who are inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or unresponsive. These experiences shape the way individuals perceive closeness and vulnerability, creating a conflict between desiring connection and fearing emotional intimacy. 

Understanding the specific causes of this attachment style can shed light on how it develops and how it impacts relationships in adulthood. Here are some common causes:

• Inconsistent caregiving: Unpredictable support and love lead to mistrust in attachment.
• Emotional neglect or unavailability: Children learn to suppress their emotions when caregivers are detached.
• Traumatic experiences or loss: Early trauma fosters fear of abandonment and avoidance of closeness.
• Mixed messages from caregivers: Alternating affection and criticism create confusion about intimacy.
• Lack of emotional validation: Suppressed feelings arise from dismissive caregivers, hindering emotional connection.
• Parental stress or mental health issues: When caregivers struggle with their own mental health challenges or chronic stress, they may be less emotionally available, leading children to feel unsupported and unsure of seeking comfort.
• Frequent changes in caregivers: Growing up with multiple caregivers or unstable home environments can prevent the development of a secure bond, causing children to become wary of forming attachments.
• Parental over-reliance on the child for emotional support: When parents depend on their children for their own emotional needs, the child may feel pressure to be “strong” and self-sufficient, resulting in avoidance of vulnerability.
• Cultural or family expectations of emotional independence: In some cultures or families, expressing emotions is discouraged or seen as a sign of weakness. This can lead children to internalize their feelings and view vulnerability as unsafe.
• Witnessing unstable relationships: Observing caregivers’ volatile or dysfunctional relationships can instill a fear of intimacy, as children may associate closeness with pain, rejection, or instability.
• Physical absence of caregivers: Extended absences due to work or other commitments can cause children to feel abandoned, making them apprehensive of closeness and expectant of detachment in future relationships.

7 signs of anxious-avoidant attachment

Anxious avoidant attachment can be challenging to navigate, as it often creates conflicting emotions about closeness and vulnerability. People with this attachment style may desire intimacy but struggle to trust others, fearing emotional exposure. 

Recognizing these signs is the first step in understanding how to overcome anxious avoidant attachment style, enabling individuals to work toward building healthier, more secure relationships. Here’s a closer look at common signs of anxious-avoidant attachment.

1. Fear of intimacy and vulnerability

Individuals with an anxious-avoidant attachment style may crave closeness but feel a deep-seated fear of becoming vulnerable. They often worry that opening up could lead to hurt or rejection, so they tend to hold back emotionally, even with those they deeply care about.

2. Inconsistent approach to closeness

This attachment style often creates a “push-pull” dynamic. At times, the individual may seek out attention, love, or closeness, but as soon as things feel too intimate, they may pull away. This can confuse partners who are unsure of where they stand or why the person alternates between closeness and distance.

3. Distrust of others’ intentions

People with an anxious-avoidant attachment may struggle with trust, questioning whether others genuinely care or have hidden motives. This can lead to behaviors like jealousy, suspicion, or constant doubting of their partner’s intentions, creating friction in relationships.

4. Guarded emotional expression

Emotional openness can feel threatening to someone with anxious-avoidant attachment, so they may avoid discussing personal feelings. They often keep their emotions private, fearing that sharing might lead to rejection or judgment, which can make their partners feel shut out.

5. Difficulty relying on others

Due to past experiences, these individuals may feel it’s safer to rely on themselves than depend on anyone else. They may hesitate to ask for help, struggle to accept support, or avoid depending on partners for emotional needs, which can create barriers in intimate relationships.

6. Persistent feelings of unworthiness

Often, individuals with this attachment style harbor a deep-seated belief that they are somehow undeserving of love or affection. This low self-worth can make them push others away, fearing that once people truly know them, they will be abandoned or rejected.

7. Tendency to self-sabotage relationships

Anxious-avoidant individuals sometimes engage in self-sabotaging behaviors to avoid getting too close. This might include picking fights, finding flaws in their partner, or even withdrawing when things are going well, as a way to avoid the risk of vulnerability.

Each of these signs can make it challenging to maintain secure, open, and trusting relationships. Recognizing these tendencies is the first step toward managing them and building healthier, more fulfilling connections.

How to deal with an anxious-avoidant attachment style

There are a few ways to deal with anxious avoidant attachment, depending on if you are the person experiencing the effects of it or someone that cares about them.

1. For the partner of someone with anxious-avoidant attachment

If you are the partner of someone who has this type of attachment, there are ways that you can protect yourself and help them, as well.

• Talk about it

One thing that you need to do when you are in a relationship with someone who has an insecure attachment style is to talk to them about what is going on. 

While they may not want to discuss how they are feeling, you may feel better when you try to get to the bottom of how they are acting.

For instance, if you and your partner have grown close and it seems like they are trying to leave the relationship and you aren’t sure why, it may be helpful to talk to them about how they are feeling and what they are experiencing.

Moreover, talking to others that you trust for advice on this may also be handy. They may provide you with a perspective that is helpful and unique.

• Take care of you

Something else that you must do is take care of yourself. Even if you are worried about your partner and your relationship, it is necessary to put yourself first, in terms of your health and wellbeing.

This means that you need to stick to a routine, where you are able to sleep enough at night, and you should also make sure that you are exercising. 

If you need to clean up your diet a bit, make small changes, so you are able to eat a balanced diet full of vitamins and minerals.

These things can help you prevent illness and can go a long way in helping you take care of your overall health.

• Trust yourself

When you think there may be something a bit off about your relationship or how your partner is acting towards you, make sure that you trust your instinct. You don’t have to ignore red flags if they are occurring. 

Anytime you notice something that seems uncharacteristic of your partner, talk to them about this.

If they aren’t willing to talk, this may give you enough information to know what you want to do about your current relationship. In some instances, it may be worth it to work through any issues you are having, and in others, you may want to move on.

LMHC Grady Shumway notes that,

Trust your instincts when you sense something is amiss in your relationship. Ignoring red flags can lead to deeper issues, so address any concerning behaviors with your partner. If they refuse to engage in a conversation, it may clarify your next steps—whether it’s working through challenges together or considering a separation for your well-being.

•   Work with a therapist

Talking to a therapist can be beneficial in a number of different ways. One way is that they can help you learn more about your relationship and how to interact with your partner. If you have trouble communicating or getting along, you can work together to bridge this gap.

You can also talk to a therapist about your attachment style as well as your mates, and they will be able to explain what can be done to change certain behaviors. It is possible that your attachment style is affecting you in the same ways as your partner’s. 

You may even consider couples counseling if you want to work on these issues together with your partner.

2. For the person with an anxious-avoidant attachment

If you experience anxious-avoidant attachment style traits, there are things that you can do to address these behaviors as well. Here’s a look at where to begin.

• Be open with your partner

While it may be your first instinct to cut and run when things get too serious, if you really care about another person, you owe it to yourself to reconsider this tendency.

Think about talking to your partner first about how you feel. Even if you feel vulnerable or scared about the relationship, your mate will likely understand. There’s a chance they are even feeling some of the same things that you are.

When you give yourself an opportunity to talk about it, you may be able to make changes and stay in the relationship. You may even be able to strengthen your bond with one another.

To learn more about being open with stress, anxiety and trauma, watch this video:

• Try to address things you don’t like

In some cases, you may be aware of how you behave in relationships and want to change things. It is important to understand that it is possible to change traits related to your attachment style when this is what you want to do.

Think about how you act in certain situations and whether this has caused issues in your relationships. There may be things that you do that you would like to stop doing because they have caused you stress or heartache. You might not even know why you behave a certain way.

If this is the case, ponder how other people may act in these situations or how you would like to change your behavior. You may be able to make these changes over time.

• Process your feelings

Something else that you need to take stock of are your feelings. It is okay for you to feel things. When you care about someone, it is fine to have feelings for them, even if they make you uncomfortable or your first reaction is to get away from them.

This is not something that you have to do. Instead, you should try to work through your feelings and process them, which may be easier than you think. 

For instance, if you feel like you are in love with someone, instead of thinking that you must end your relationship with them, consider what would happen if you didn’t. If you were able to love them back, would you be happy? It may be worth thinking about further.

Along with processing your feelings, you may want to learn more about attachment styles. They can tell you a lot about who you are and why you behave a certain way.

Related Reading: 15 Ways to Help Your Partner Understand How You’re Feeling

• Seek professional help

Something else that you should think about doing is working with a therapist. Not only can they help you overcome some of the effects of your attachment style, but they may also help you understand more about relationships. 

If you developed this attachment because of trauma or abuse you experienced as a child, a therapist may be able to help you overcome this so you can begin to feel more like yourself again.

You can talk to them about whatever you need support with, and they will likely have expert information to provide for you. 

If you want to make any changes to the way you behave, a professional may be able to offer you a treatment plan to address these things. This could make it easier for you to develop relationships and interact with others.

It’ll be fine!

Anxious-avoidant attachment doesn’t have to define your relationships—taking proactive steps can transform how you connect with others. 

Begin by deepening your understanding of anxious-avoidant attachment and anxious-avoidant meaning, as self-awareness is a powerful tool for change. Recognizing these patterns allows you to challenge them, moving from cycles of distancing and insecurity to open, genuine communication. 

Consider trying strategies like setting boundaries, practicing self-compassion, and even seeking professional guidance to foster a healthier attachment style. By prioritizing emotional growth, you’re not only improving your relationships but also enriching your connection with yourself. 

Start this journey today to build more resilient, fulfilling bonds and cultivate a sense of stability that leads to lasting, supportive connections.