Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder-Signs and Treatment

It is normal to have some degree of anxiety related to being involved in a romantic relationship. Doubting a partner can be quite common, especially when things seem not to be going well and fights are frequent.

Though many of us experience some amount of anxiety while in a relationship, those who suffer from relationship OCD (ROCD) may find being in a partnership extremely stressful and quite difficult. OCD and relationships are an intricate web, and often, sufferers don’t realize the extent of pain and misery they have brought upon themselves. 

The impact of OCD in relationships manifests itself as unwanted, distressful thoughts and challenges in the love life. OCD and romantic relationships are a heady concoction that leads to frustration in establishing and maintaining romantic relationships.

Relationship OCD – Unreasonable focus on romantic commitments

Relationship OCD is a subset of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), where an individual is overly consumed with worry and doubt and focused on their romantic commitments. 

Symptoms of relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD) are similar to other OCD themes whereby the sufferer experiences intrusive thoughts and images.

However, with ROCD the worries are related specifically to their significant other. Relationship OCD symptoms include some very unproductive behaviors like constantly seeking reassurance from their partners that they are loved and making comparisons between fictional characters, friends’ partners, and their own partners.

OCD and marriage

If you are married to someone with OCD, they look for evidence to affirm if their partner is a good match. Relationship obsession disorder includes sufferers ruminating over their relationship and partner for long hours.

It would be a good idea to seek relationship counseling or take up an online relationship OCD test to determine if you need extra help. 

OCD and intimate relationships

For people suffering from relationship OCD, enjoying a thriving, intimate life can be stressful.

They experience a fear of abandonment, body issues, and anxiety performance. Relaxation skills like deep breathing and guided imagery can be good ways to relax your muscle groups and relieve the body of anxiety and misplaced insecurities.

Some common fears

Some common fears in relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder include: What if I’m not really attracted to my partner? What if I don’t really love my partner? Is this the right person for me? What if there is someone better out there? The overall worry is that one might be with the wrong partner.

Most of us experience intrusive thoughts and images on a daily basis, but people who do not suffer from relationship OCD usually find it easy to dismiss them. 

However, it is quite the opposite for sufferers of relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Intrusive thoughts are followed by a strong emotional reaction

To those afflicted with relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder, intrusive thoughts are almost always followed by a strong emotional reaction. They might experience a tremendous amount of distress (e.g., anxiety, guilt), and that makes it hard to see the irrelevance of the message and, therefore, dismiss it. 

Sufferers feel the urgency to engage with the idea and, in the case of ROCD, seek answers. It is a survival instinct that pushes ROCD sufferers to take action to eliminate the ”perceived” danger. 

It is also the uncertainty that is difficult to tolerate. Sufferers might end their relationships, not because they found the ”answer”, but because they are no longer able to tolerate the distress and anxiety of ”not-knowing” or they do so out of guilt (“How can I lie to my partner and ruin their life?”).

Mental obsession and compulsion

With ROCD, both obsession and compulsion are mental, so there are not always visible rituals. 

In order to make sure that the relationship is worth investing time in, sufferers begin to seek reassurance. 

They will engage in endless rumination, spending countless hours seeking answers. They might also compare their significant other to their previous partners or use Google’s ”help” (e.g., Googling “How do I know that I’m with the right person?”). 

Some sufferers of relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder observe other couples to get an idea of how a ”successful” relationship should appear. It is also common to try to control a loved one or pay attention to little details (e.g., partner’s appearance, character, etc.). 

Avoidance is also a shared trait among ROCD sufferers. They might avoid being close and intimate with their partner or refuse to engage in otherwise romantic activities.

ROCD is linked to perfectionism

ROCD is also often linked to perfectionism. A distorted thought pattern most common to perfectionism is all-or-nothing (dichotomous) thinking. 

So if things are not exactly the way they ”should” be, they are wrong. There seems to be a belief among sufferers of relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder that one should feel a certain way (e.g., “One should always feel 100% connected to one’s partner”) or that there are certain factors or behaviors that will define a successful relationship (e.g., holding hands when in public, always feeling passionate about the partner). 

The desire to feel a certain way can create a lot of pressure. It can also cause sexual challenges in a relationship, as it is difficult (if not impossible) to perform under pressure.

When we desire to feel an emotion ”perfectly” then we end up not really experiencing the emotion. 

For example, if you were at a party and kept asking yourself, “Am I having fun right now?” 

This would take away from your experience at the party. This also means that we are not focusing on the present. So instead of struggling to feel a certain way, one might want to focus on continuing everyday life and the tasks it involves. Thus, if one decides to take their partner out for a romantic dinner, they should try to make an effort to still do so even though they might experience intrusive thoughts and feel uncomfortable (e.g., anxious, guilty). 

It can be helpful to remind ourselves that the goal is not necessarily to enjoy the occasion (or feel good about it), as we might be setting ourselves up for failure.

There is a false understanding among the sufferers of relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder that one cannot be attracted to more than one person at the same time and, therefore, whenever the sufferer finds themselves feeling a certain attraction towards someone else they tend to feel tremendous guilt and anxiety. They either try to hide those feelings by withdrawing (i.e., avoiding) or confessing to their partner. 

Sufferers of relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder may feel that they need to be ”honest” with their significant other and share or “confess” their doubts. The truth is that it is perfectly normal to find other people attractive while in a committed relationship. We know that we most likely chose the person we are with for greater reasons and not just based on feelings we experienced at once. 

Feelings tend to change on a daily basis, but our values don’t sway

It is good to remind ourselves that feelings and moods tend to change on a daily basis, but our values hardly sway. It is not possible to feel 100% connected to and passionate about our partners all the time. Relationships change with time, so we might struggle if we wish to feel the same way we did at the beginning of our relationship. However, those trapped in a shell of relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder refuse to believe so. 

Feelings tend to change on a daily basis, but our values don’t sway

It is good to remind ourselves that feelings and moods tend to change on a daily basis, but our values hardly sway. It is not possible to feel 100% connected to and passionate about our partners all the time. Relationships change with time, so we might struggle if we wish to feel the same way we did at the beginning of our relationship. However, those trapped in a shell of relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder refuse to believe so. 

Treatment

Couples therapy is likely to be challenging when the therapist is not familiar with this condition. It is necessary to educate not only the sufferer but also the partner about OCD and ROCD.

Treatment really tends to work for those individuals who are willing to take the plunge. Cehck out this video for a researched-based treatment for ROCD:

Exposure and response prevention

Exposure and response prevention (ERP) is the treatment approach known to have the most success in treating OCD. ERP techniques require the sufferer of the relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder to voluntarily allow themselves to be exposed to the very things and ideas of which they are afraid (e.g., ”There is a possibility I’m with the wrong partner”).
Practicing exposure exercises repeatedly over time allows sufferers of relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder the opportunity to learn how to live with their doubts and worries and how best to manage intrusive thoughts about the relationship and their significant other.

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Kulliki Keller Registered Psychotherapist

Kulliki is a licensed psychotherapist, certified couples therapist, and certified CBT therapist practicing in Midtown Manhattan. She believes that using evidence-based techniques in a compassionate therapeutic relationship as the key to successful treatment. Kulliki's work... Read more with her clients is grounded in empathy and connection while helping individuals gain insight into their struggles. Kulliki works with adults and specializes in helping people with anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive and related disorders, depression, and relationship problems. Read less

(Kulliki Keller is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in New York City)