Is My Husband a Narcissist or Just Selfish?

Day after day, you see the real personality of the man you married.

While you might hate some of his quirks and habits, they are still tolerable and, at times, a sign that you love each other because he can be himself when you are together.

However, when you begin to see traits like extreme jealousy, lies, and pretensions, you question the person you just married.

Do you question, my husband is a narcissist or just selfish? How can you even tell?

Related Reading:  20 Signs of a Selfish Husband and How to Deal With Him

Traits of a narcissist

We’re all familiar with how a person can be selfish just by the word itself, but a narcissist is something different.

Don’t base your conclusions on just a few traits but rather as a whole because we’re talking about a personality disorder.

NPD stands for narcissistic personality disorder, not a trait that you can use to tag anyone you see exhibiting only a few signs.

NPD has much more than just the love of a great life and being self-absorbed.

To get a glimpse, here are some of the traits that you will find in your husband if he suffers from NPD.

1. He will and can turn every conversation to him.
2. Expects you as his wife to only focus on him and no one else so you can meet his every demand and emotional need.
3. Doesn’t show care about how he depreciates you as a person.
4. Implies that he is the only one who knows what is best for you and will discourage you from making your own decisions.
5. A narcissist husband will focus on blaming you or other people rather than taking responsibility.
6. Expects you to be there whenever he needs you. No reasons and no excuses.
7. Doesn’t see that you have your own needs, too, because he is overly involved with his world.
8. Wants to be the center of attention and will do everything to have it – even if it means he has to belittle you or his children.
9. He will never admit a mistake and will divert the issue to you. He is closed-minded and will never accept any form of criticism.
10. He can still throw tantrums at his age when he doesn’t get what he wants.
11. Lives with the mindset that he is better than everyone else
12. He can be incredibly charming and may seem so perfect with other people. Will show a different personality to prove he is a catch.

What does narcissism look like in a marriage?

Narcissism in marriage is not always visible. However, it never remains hidden. Narcissistic partners treat their partners like trophies and try to control their lives. 

Narcissists expect their partners to behave as per their expectations. They like to manipulate their partners and situations in their married life. Such people also behave irrationally when they fear that they might be losing control over their partner.

7 Signs you have a narcissistic husband

So to help you along in identifying the signs of a narcissistic husband, we have created a checklist for you.  

A person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder continuously seeks out other people’s admiration, and they display high levels of self-grandiosity and lack of empathy.

A little narcissism can be healthy – it stops us from being walked all over and becoming so selfless that we can’t survive.

But when a person is too self-absorbed, as in the case of narcissism, it becomes a personality disorder; it’s a cause of concern.  

If your partner exhibits the traits of a narcissistic husband, it could be detrimental to your well-being and sense of self.

1. He puts people down 

He always talks about people in a destructive manner or puts them down with his words. Nothing is encouraging or appreciating that comes out of his mouth for you and others. 

2. He prefers people who flatter him

He always prefers the company of people who agree with him and flatter him. People who are always ready to roll with him even when he is entirely wrong. He likes to be the center of attraction. He enjoys feeling like the most important person in the room. 

3. He behaves negatively 

Your husband responds negatively when you share certain behaviors or manner of speaking that you do not appreciate. You can’t reason with him as he thinks there is no room for improvement as he is perfect. He makes you feel guilty about thinking bad of him. 

Related Reading: 10 Signs of Ego in Relationship and What to Do

4. He makes up lies

He habitually makes lies unnecessarily, mostly because he doesn’t want to admit his fault. He always comes up with excuses. 

Watch this video to know some signs through which you can determine if he is lying to you or not :

5. He tries to control you

He demands you wear certain clothes and behave in a certain way. He tries to control your behavior towards him and other people. He isolates you from your loved ones. 

Related Reading:  25 Signs You’re in a Controlling Relationship

6. He tries to take over every conversation 

People with NPD are known to take over the conversation permanently. This is their way of showing off just how “great” they are.

No matter what topic, they will always have some “expert” thing to say. If you stop talking about something they know, they will be smart enough to sway the conversation back to them.

7. He never acknowledges your sexual needs

Another narcissistic husband trait is that he wouldn’t acknowledge your sexual needs and won’t try to accommodate them. 

Selfishness is a tremendous defining characteristic of narcissistic husband behavior and something that should be vigilantly looked out for.

What is a narcissistic husband like?

Most women still have no clue if their husbands are narcissistic. Here are a few things that indicate that your husband might be a narcissist. 

1. He exhibits excessive anger on minor issues. 
2. He is sensitive to criticism. 
3. He wants your conversations to be centered around his needs. 
4. He doesn’t care about your sexual needs.
5. He is always going out without you. 
6. He likes to show off at social gatherings. 
7. It is important to him to win every argument. 
8. He is ignorant of his narcissistic tendencies. 

If you do find out that they show the signs of a narcissistic husband, there are plenty more articles on this site to help you understand your next steps.  

Related Reading:  How to Live With a Narcissist Husband? 15 Signs and Ways to Deal

What is the difference between selfishness and narcissism?

Is my husband a narcissist or just selfish? To answer that, we’ve gathered the subtle but distinct differences between the characteristics of a selfish husband and a narcissistic husband.

1. A narcissist’s mood will depend on other people, while a self-centered husband won’t have to depend on other people’s constant approval to feel happy.
2. A narcissist wants to feel superior but feeds on constant praise, while a selfish husband thinks of what he can do for himself and won’t feed on constant praise.
3. A narcissist will never feel empathy for others no matter how cruel he can be – there won’t be any guilt, while a selfish spouse can still feel guilt and empathy.
4. A narcissist feels entitled and superior, and that’s it, and he’ll make it clear that he won’t and will never deal with people he thinks are lesser than him. A selfish husband can still love and feel genuine feelings for other people, even if they want to be the center of attention.
5. A narcissist won’t feel any remorse even with their children or spouses. They would do what they think is necessary to control and manipulate the people around them, while someone self-centered can live like any other husband or father who cares for his family.
6. When your husband is selfish, he will be jealous because of the love he has for you, and he wants to keep you all by himself and might even exert genuine efforts to compete. 
7. A narcissist wants you to be with him so he can control you like a puppet and will never allow any other person to be better than him and will consider them as a threat. It’s not about love; instead, it’s about his superiority and how he wants to control.
8. Being selfish is just a trait with minimal signs and cannot even be comparable to how a narcissist thinks because a person with NPD cannot honestly care and love someone other than themselves. A selfish person can easily be changed with little therapy and can genuinely love and care for their family.
9. A selfish partner can do things to shine independently but will not crush the people around him. He doesn’t need to constantly abuse the people around him to get what he wants. A narcissist needs to belittle and strip you of your self-worth to feel more powerful.

How do you deal with a narcissistic husband?

It’s not easy to deal with a narcissistic husband. However, it is necessary to remember that NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) is a serious mental health condition, and it can affect your mental health too. 

Here are some ways through which you can deal with a narcissistic husband:

1. See them for who they are and understand that no matter how much they try to charm you, for now, they will end up hurting you. Understand that it is how they are, and you cannot do much about it. 
2. Instead of focusing on them, shift the focus on yourself and life. Narcissists are good at keeping the spotlight on themselves and tricking other people into thinking they are doing it with their will. You should understand these tactics and patterns and stop getting influenced. 
3. After you understand how they are manipulating and controlling your life, it is your duty towards yourself that you speak up. Do not give in. If there is an argument and you are right, fight for yourself and not back down. 
4. Try to get some personal space in your relationship. Narcissists are very self-absorbed, so you need to set some boundaries for yourself and try to make a personal space where you do something productive or something that makes you happy. 
5. Make sure that you know that it’s not your fault. It’s just how they are. They will always try to blame it on you. 
6. Find a support system. Connect with your loved ones and people who have gone through the same. It will help you keep your emotional balance intact. 
7. Try to make your husband understand that he needs therapy, which is beneficial for him. 

Related Reading: 25 Tips for How to Deal With a Narcissist

Conclusion

One of the reasons why we do our very best to know if we married a narcissist or a self-absorbed husband is to help make things better, and if there is a chance for a better relationship – wouldn’t we all take it?

So if you are someone who wants to answer the question, “Is my husband a narcissist or just selfish?” then start from the difference between the two, and once you’re done, try to seek help.

A good therapist or counselor can significantly help you determine what steps you should take in dealing with a husband who suffers from NPD, and from there, you should be ready to face the truth of how to deal with a narcissistic husband.