10 Signs of a Covert Narcissist and How to Respond to Them
When you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist, you might feel like they are using you to achieve their needs. Narcissists may not pay attention to their partners because they are too busy focusing on themselves.
There are two general categories of narcissists: Covert vs. Overt narcissists. In this article, you will learn more about recognizing a covert narcissist and the right ways to respond to them.
What does narcissism mean?
Narcissism is a personality disorder where an individual has a heightened sense of self-importance, making them feel superior to others. They might have an excessive interest in how they appear or what they do.
Such individuals may likely employ emotionally-manipulative tactics to make others do their bidding. Narcissists might not empathize with others, so they may make decisions that favor them alone.
For a broader perspective about narcissism, check out this case study on narcissistic personality by Elizabeth Kacel and other authors.
Who is a covert narcissist?
A covert narcissist is someone with a narcissistic personality disorder, but they don’t like showing off their sense of self-admiration and loftiness. Rather, they may always put up humble or shy appearances.
Sometimes, covert narcissists see themselves as being misunderstood and may feel that their pain is superior to others. Covert narcissists might prefer to spend time alone because they don’t know how to respond positively to criticism.
10 signs of a covert narcissist and how to respond?
It might be more difficult to identify a covert narcissist because of their generally introverted and reserved nature. However, with some of these covert narcissist signs, you can easily recognize if someone has them.
This would make it easier to motivate people with covert and other types of narcissism to seek help from a trained professional or therapist for couples counseling on handling personality disorders.
1. High sensitivity to criticism
One of the ways to recognize someone with covert narcissist traits is by how they respond to criticism. Not everyone loves being criticized, but some people respond more aggressively than others.
It’s more likely for a covert narcissist to give sarcastic comments in an effort to water down the effects of the criticism. However, most of them may internally feel bad, angry, and spiteful because of the criticisms.
A covert narcissist may see criticism as a threat because it usually comes with proof that reflects their identity. So, when they get criticized, they may feel that other people know who they are and this is something they want to avoid.
Related Reading: 10 Ways on How to Deal With Criticism in a Relationship
2. Inferiority complex
People may think that all narcissists show a superiority complex because it is part of their basic traits. However, it would interest you to know that a covert narcissist may exhibit signs of inferiority and self-doubt.
They may find it challenging to make crucial decisions for themselves because they don’t like making mistakes and receiving blames or criticism.
Covert narcissists may also likely compare themselves to others, and might feel bad if they do not meet other people’s standards. Such people may need constant validation and reassurance to feel better.
3. Self-absorption
Just like overt narcissism, covert narcissists tend to be self-absorbed. They may prefer to be focused on what is beneficial to them instead of thinking of other people. Similarly, they are likely to use other people to get what they want, and this may include emotional manipulation.
They might use triangulation, gaslighting, passive-aggressiveness, love bombing, and other means of manipulation to achieve their goal. It is imperative to note that empathy is absent in a covert narcissist relationship.
A covert narcissist will likely not see things from another individual’s perspective. As a result, they may be less concerned about other people except if they can gain something from them.
4. Passive aggression
Another way to know a covert narcissist is that they might be passively aggressive. Covert narcissists may use passive aggression so that they can look superior to other people. One of the reasons for this is that they feel they are special, and entitled to anything they want.
In some cases, they might want to take out revenge on people who have treated them poorly before. Some passive-aggressive behaviors include silent treatment, procrastinating seemingly unimportant tasks, blame-shifting and derisive jokes.
5. Withdrawn or shy
You can recognize a covert narcissist by their withdrawn or shy nature. Most of them are often introverted than other categories of narcissists. Someone with covert narcissism might be afraid of people discovering their weaknesses. So, they may avoid too many people to reduce the chances of getting exposed.
If a covert narcissist is supposed to be in a social gathering, they might avoid being there if they are not going to benefit from it. Sometimes, they can also have trust issues with people they interact with.
6. Love for fantasizing
Individuals with covert narcissistic traits are likely to spend more time reminiscing on their achievements, capabilities, and abilities instead of sharing them with people. In their dream world, narcissists have an inflated sense of power and importance, which is different from what they are in reality.
It’s like when they fantasize, they see themselves receiving a standing ovation for doing something grandiose. Their fantasies could also involve getting compliments from people for providing solutions to problems.
Related Reading: 10 Definite Signs That Your Partner Is Fantasizing About Someone Else
7. Presence of depression and anxiety
Among all the types of narcissism, people with covert narcissist traits may be at a higher risk of feeling emptiness, anxiety, and depression than others. One of the primary reasons is fear of failure, which can leave them feeling anxious.
Another reason could be that they are frustrated as their expectations or fantasies do not align with reality. Hence this frustration may trigger sense of depression or anxiety. They might also feel difficulty in accepting these emotions in front of others.
8. Keeping grudges
Sometimes, the covert narcissist may keep grudges against someone depending on how serious the situation is. For example, when someone treats them unfairly, they may get angry but not react instantly. They might keep waiting for the right time to get revenge in a way that won’t be too obvious.
They might go behind the person’s back to talk down on them so that they might not get a certain opportunity. It is also possible for covert narcissists to keep grudges against people who get opportunities that they were looking for. These grudges can further cause resentment, malice and displeasure.
9. Feeling inadequate
Many covert narcissists might have feelings of inadequacy, especially when they cannot meet the standards or pedestal they have set for themselves. They might feel that people would judge them by these standards, making them go hard on themselves when they don’t live up to the expectations.
Covert narcissists may not realize that they are mere humans and are liable to fail at times. This tendency can make them feel inadequate, thinking that people around them would be disappointed to see or know their mistakes.
Related Reading: The Importance of Feeling Safe in a Relationship and Tips
10. Lack of goal or ambition
Covert narcissists might be too busy looking at other people’s achievements and wondering why they are not in their shoes. This might make it impossible for them to be focused on a particular goal.
As a result, you might find a covert narcissist changing their goals because they are not self-motivated; rather, they are focused on other people’s successes.
They may not be able to complete a project because there is no structured plan. Similarly, they might not be content with their direction in life because they are misguided.
To learn more about the signs of covert narcissism, check out this book by Louisa Cox titled Covert Narcissism.
5 ways to handle a covert narcissist
Sometimes, relating with a narcissist might be difficult because their inactions can negatively affect you. Therefore, you need to know certain ways how to deal with covert narcissist so that their character will not get in the way of creating a healthy relationship.
1. Don’t blame yourself for their actions/inactions
When managing a relationship with a covert narcissist, you need to recognize that their actions are not dependent on you. It is important to know that their words have nothing directly on you; rather, it is about how they feel.
Someone with a personality disorder, like a narcissist, cannot be fixed, but they can get help if they are willing to change. So, when they say or do hurtful things, you can try to be patient, remembering that it is not your fault.
Related Reading: How to Stop the Blame Game in Your Relationship
2. Set boundaries
The absence of boundaries when relating to a covert narcissism may hurt you unimaginably. You may need to set healthy boundaries if you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist so that they would know how to behave around you.
Your emotional and mental well-being is vital, and if there are no boundaries, a narcissist’s behavior can adversely affect you. While seeking treatment for covert narcissism, remember to keep your happiness intact.
Also, you can consider associating more with healthy and supportive people so that you can know when the narcissist in your life is trying to manipulate you. This manipulation is a common example of narcissistic behavior.
3. Learn more about them
It might be difficult for you to understand how the mind of a covert narcissist works until you consciously learn more about them. You can research various personality disorders and narrow down your learning to narcissistic personality disorder.
Knowing more about covert narcissism can help you know the signs that you should look out for in case you are in a relationship with one. Also, learning more about this personality disorder will give you a clearer perspective on how they can seek help and manage their situation.
4. Communicate your concerns
After knowing the signs or examples of a narcissist, one of the ways to handle them is through direct communication. Some narcissists might be willing to consider your concerns and work on themselves, while others may call your bluff.
Irrespective of their feedback, they deserve to hear the truth from someone who truly cares about them, and holding back your opinions will not help them in the long run. Even though they don’t accept your opinion, your attempt might leave some impression on them.
Watch this video to learn more on healthy communication in relationships:
5. Help them seek support
Even though a covert narcissist may not believe that they need help, you can always encourage them to get help from a professional trainer. When it comes to covert narcissism treatment, a good number of them are unaware of the downsides that come with their personality disorder.
Therefore, it might be difficult for them to accept that they have a problem. However, once you can manage to let them see their flaws, it may become easier for them to get help in managing their situation.
To learn more about how to respond to a narcissist, read this book by Richard Cooper titled Dealing with a Narcissist. This book is written from a personal experience standpoint, and it contains practical survival tips to handle narcissists.
Some more points of discussion
There are so many things we can discuss in regard to dealing with covert narcissists. There may be cases where a person might not identify any trait and continue struggling under uncomfortable situations. It is important to keep this discussion open with people showing characteristics of covert narcissism.
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How do covert narcissists abuse their spouses?
If a covert narcissist is in a romantic relationship, they are more likely to dominate, manipulate and control their partner. They may employ different manipulation tactics so that their partner can do their bidding.
As a result, the partner of a narcissist might not be able to find their voice in the relationship and will often take the blame for not being able to satisfy their partner. It can be hard to realize the presence of emotional abuse in such cases.
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Is it possible for a covert narcissist to love his wife?
Yes, it is possible for a covert narcissistic person to be in love with his wife. However, since they may not be comfortable feeling vulnerable in front of their partner, they might make decisions that would sabotage the relationship.
Although covert narcissists can experience romantic emotions towards their partner, they may not be able to show genuine and unconditional love to them.
It’s not the end of the road!
After reading this piece on the signs of a covert narcissist and how to handle them, you might have developed a better understanding of how to relate to them. If you already know any such person or ever encounter one, don’t think of it as the end of the road.
If you are presently in a relationship with a narcissist and find it hard to understand them, you can consider confronting them politely. If that doesn’t work, you can also seek help from a professional therapist.
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