If you’re dating or married to a crazy maker, you probably think all of the drama and chaos is due to them. And part of it of course is, but not the majority.
For the last 28 years, number one best-selling author, counselor and life coach David Essel‘s been helping people to understand the roles we all play when we’re in a dysfunctional love relationship.
Below, David shatters the myth that it’s your partner who is the problem. A tough pill to swallow for many, but the only one necessary if you want to live a life of peace and joy.
Determine your role in the dysfunction of your marriage
He came into the office, shaking his head, wondering how the hell could he have married such an irresponsible, lacklustre woman. I sat and listened for about 45 minutes to him go over and over, all of the insanity she brings into his life every day.
At the end of his monologue, I asked him a simple question, “what is your role in the dysfunction of your marriage?”
He was quick to answer. “Nothing. I do everything I say I’m going to do, and more, the opposite of my lacklustre wife.“ It took 10 weeks of counseling with him, to convince him that his answer was 100% incorrect.
In the end, he saw what I was trying to teach him all along, and he finally owned it. And by owning it, he was going to become free.
You see, when you were dating a “crazy maker“ someone who spends all of your money, who says they’re going to do things for you and doesn’t, who constantly shows up late to every event you have to go to, we want to blame them for the issues in our love relationship.
But the real issue? Is Us. Is you. Is me, if we’re willing to stay with that kind of insanity.
And, after 30 years as a counselor and life coach, I have seen it all, heard it all, and still, in looking at the insanity of so many love relationships today, I understand that we are the problem.
Why? Because we stayed. Because we put up with it. Because we just do all kinds of nagging, threats and more.
We don’t have the balls to either walk away or go into long-term counseling to figure out how to handle such a dysfunctional relationship.
Realize the need to examine before you stay in this type of insanity
So if you’re dating or married to someone that drives you absolutely crazy every day, because they lied, gossip, spent too much money, eat too much, drink too much, or break their words on a regular basis, let’s look at what we really need to examine before we stay in this type of insanity:
1. Don’t just set boundaries, follow through with consequences
If you set boundaries like “if you break your word one more time we’re done. If you spend more money then we have agreed-upon were done.” But you don’t follow through with it, you are the problem.
You are the enabler. You are the nagger. You’re great at setting boundaries but you don’t have the strength to follow through with a consequence and actually leave once they do it again.
I see this all the time in the world of addiction in relationships, where one person is an addict or an alcoholic, and the partner keeps threatening them they’re going to leave but they never do.
You ’re the problem.
2. Within 60 days of dating, you will see signs of crazy making
Here’s a shocker to many of my clients, when I tell them that this behavior, this dysfunctional behavior by their lover has been going on since the first 60 days of their relationship, they look at me and shake their heads in disbelief.
Then I take them through a series of writing exercises, and the shock becomes a belief. What I said is true.
Within 60 days of dating someone, you’re going to see signs, whether you want to see them or not, that there is tons of chaos and drama ahead.
But because emotions are more powerful than logic in love, we throw out the logic, hold onto the emotional hope that they will change, and we are dead in the water.
3. Respect lost due to boundaries without consequences
Because you set boundaries without consequences, your partner has zero respect for you at all. Read that again.
Because you nag and tell them how many times you’re going to leave if they do X again, but you don’t, they have zero respect for you. And they should have no respect for you whatsoever.
Why? Because now you’re the one breaking your words.
4. Get professional help to put things in perspective for you
The only answer is to get into counseling right now and get a professional to see what your role is in the dysfunction.
I could care less when someone tells me “we have been together 35 years, married 35 years and the divorce rate is so high“. But they have been in a crappy relationship for 34 years. I’m not impressed at all.
Don’t go around bragging how long you’ve been with someone, when your relationship sucks. Get real. Get help. It’s up to you to change, not them.
And what do you need to do?
You need to start following your own words. You need to set serious boundaries and consequences and actually pull the consequence.
Or, you just need to end the insanity, take your responsibility for not knowing how to deal with dysfunction in love, admit that you are 50% or more of the problem, and move on. Divorce them. End the relationship. But quit complaining, quit being a victim.
There’s a whole world of love out there, and if you’re missing it, it’s your fault.
David Essel‘s work is highly endorsed by individuals like the late Wayne Dyer, and celebrity Jenny McCarthy says “David Essel is the new leader of the positive thinking movement.“
His 10th book, another number one bestseller is called “focus! Slay your goals. The proven guide to huge success, a powerful attitude and profound love.“
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
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