Esther Perel’s Marriage Advice for De-Escalating Heated Fights

The needs of the self and those of a couple are intricately intertwined but sometimes go off-balance. To change that, we explore Esther Perel marriage advice across her books to both rediscover ourselves and to bring the space that lies between us and the other to life.

Psychotherapist and best-selling author Esther Perel continues to explain in her book Mating in Captivity how French psychologist Jacques Salomé referred to it as leveraging personal intimacy with ourselves to counterbalance the couple.

In other words, cultivate mystery for eroticism in your marriage and get to know your deeper self to understand how your various needs and fears can feed conflict.

The hidden layers beneath heated relationship arguments

The words argument, conflict and fight tend to spark a certain emotion in most people. Some want to jump in and others want to hide.

But differing viewpoints are part of human life.

If we all thought the same, this world would be very different. The art is to compare each other’s views and co-create an even better way of moving forward.

The challenge is that arguments are very rarely about the words being said. They are about all the unmet needs and fears that even we don’t always understand, let alone our partners.

If you look at Esther Perel marriage advice in this blog on the 3 types of relationship fights, you’ll further see that our vulnerabilities and biases get triggered when we fight. That’s what feeds and sustains the conflict long term.

Whether it’s about a power dynamic, a need for closeness, or recognition, Esther Perel marriage advice reassures us that we can break the loop.

Of course, the personal work needed isn’t easy. Nevertheless, with time and self-compassion, you can become aware of your needs and how they impact conflict within your relationships.

It’s worth noting that we are not saying you should stop debating. Instead, we are saying that the soul-destroying fights can decrease.

There is a big difference between calmly and compassionately sharing views and listening to the other in order to discover how to mesh those views versus talking to impose one’s views. Sadly, most arguments are driven by the needs of the self to win no matter what.

Instead, dive into the Esther Perel books on marriage. Discover how your scripts are potentially clashing and how to wake up your “current of aliveness” to counteract “domestic deadness”.

Using scripts to resolve long-term ongoing disputes

The concept of scripts first came from 20th century psychiatrist Eric Berne. They later came into more popular knowledge through his 1964 book, the Games People Play.

In his book, Berne describes the various games, or roles, that we play and how they can push us into parent, adult or child ego states. Other psychiatrists have built on this theory, including Claude Steiner in his book Scripts People Live.

Essentially, scripts, or transactions, we have with people as adults are often replays of unhappy childhood events and emotions. So, you might yell at your partner for being late because deep down you feel undervalued or abandoned, similar to when you were a child.

The Esther Perel marriage advice explains that knowing each other’s pains and needs can help you respond to each other’s scripts differently.

Claude Steiner explains this as the stroke economy. Each stroke is a unit of recognition that can be an act of love, a verbal appreciation or a touch. This Medium article on breaking out of the love game explains this well.

In other words, the next time your partner is late, explain to them that you actually feel undermined and describe what you need. This could be better planning for next time or a simple phone call ahead of time.

As per Esther Perel marriage advice, the more you are aware of your needs and fears, the better you can share them and change your scripts through strokes of recognition.

Naturally, this takes personal work and time, which is why you can also reach out to Esther Perel marriage counseling. With Perel, you’ll explore your specific hidden dynamics and how to redress any power imbalances in your relationship.

FAQs

Here are some additional points of discussion to help you understand the pieces of marriage counseling explained in this article.

• Why do couples who discuss opposing views tend to stay together?

 It’s much easier to make judgments about what you see when you meet other couples rather than what goes on behind closed doors. When we see couples disagreeing, we have no idea to what level that exchange escalates or how violent it can be.

Sometimes we think we see love despite the fighting. We actually need to understand how couples communicate to truly know what’s going on with them.

The Esther Perel marriage advice also states that instead of focusing on “you did or didn’t do this,” you use I statements. For example, I feel this, or I am worried about you.

A small shift in language shows you are present with your partner’s struggles and they feel heard. They are then less likely to become defensive.

Technically, fighting means to have a violent confrontation or struggle, sometimes even a physical one. Anyone who fights like this has generally lost respect for the other.

 Healthy debate, on the other hand, is critical to enable us to share our needs and feelings. As this paper on conflict and satisfaction in romantic relationships explains, if this exchange is done skilfully through agreement, compromise and humor, along with deep compassionate listening, both can learn and evolve together.

As you might expect, if conflict involves defensiveness, withdrawal or aggression, neither person feels heard or respected and both lose. Sadly, this often happens because we hold onto our views. And deep down, we want to change the other person, which is impossible.

Those couples who stay together are the ones who have successfully let go of attaching to their way of doing things. They can empathize with their partner’s needs and feelings and, most importantly, they both look for common ground and use that as the foundation for moving forward.

And moving forward through conflict

The Esther Perel marriage advice on conflict and repair further states that we all need to “create patterns of mutual self-awareness and affirmation of the other.” By doing that, we can reconnect with our partners. We can then use conflict as an exchange of ideas instead of verbal blows.

If you want to explore more, watch this TED talk by Julia Dhar, world debate champion. As she explains, the skill is to not attach ourselves to our ideas and to build on what everyone agrees on:

Of course, sometimes we are on our own facing the question of whether we can turn around our marriage even if the other person doesn’t want it. 

That road is harder, but one person can save a marriage if all the small changes add up to being enough. 

When we make small shifts in how we think and act, we necessarily influence those around us. Sometimes, that creates the ripple needed to rebuild the trust that’s been lost. 

• What is the best way to argue in order to nurture a successful relationship?

 Healthy couples debate all the time. They don’t argue in the sense that they try to impose their view of the world. Instead, they share different opinions, thoughts and feelings. That’s how they learn and grow together. You can discover 13 other reasons why it’s healthy to debate opinions. 

The Esther Perel marriage advice further states that the more you share your inner world without fearing vulnerability, the more empathy you can both have for each other. Your arguments will then naturally become healthy exchanges of experience.

As this University of Tennessee study on how happy couples argue shows, they take a solution-focused approach. They also start with easy problems to develop their own style of problem-solving.

You can explore more by listening to any Esther Perel podcast marriage. You won’t just find general Esther Perel relationship advice; you’ll also discover intriguing podcasts, including some about comedy and internal family systems.

• What do most couples tend to argue about?

A study from the Institute for Family Studies shows that couples with children argue most about chores and responsibilities. It makes sense if you think that we quickly fall into a pattern of “Why do I do everything around here”.

When it comes to our roles, the Esther Perel marriage advice says that you need to review what has been agreed upon versus the habits that have just “happened”, such as who takes out the rubbish bin.

In this interview with the Guardian, Esther Perel, marriage therapist, further explains that we also need to know what is important to our partners. Perhaps then we can find a more suitable compromise on chores.

Another wonderful Esther Perel marriage advice is to bring the passion back to have a more balanced approach to the erotic versus the domestic. Every day requires a different answer, but the more you flow between the two, the more you’ll be in sync.

• How normal is it to argue and fight in relationships?

Having different opinions and debating them is perfectly normal and a healthy sign. Yelling at each other and not listening or respecting the other person’s feelings about reality is not healthy.

The Esther Perel advice is clear: fight smarter. In other words, be aware of your biases and your language especially when you jump to conclusions or overgeneralize.

Further Esther Perel marriage advice on breaking the pattern is to use techniques such as summarizing and validating. This will also help you empathize and clear the way to see common ground.

It’s also worth reviewing these 33 ways to save your marriage. Small changes and patience go a long way. 

Building the best marriage you can with Esther Perel marriage advice

All relationships are complex. Marriage and romantic partnerships can be even tougher because we often unconsciously recreate old unhealthy patterns from our childhoods. We need to heal to move forward, but we can heal together with our partners.

The Esther Perel marriage advice gives practical tips for how to build self-awareness and mutual affirmation. You can then move beyond I versus you and into a collaborative, solution-focused communication approach.

Perhaps most importantly, Perel guides us all in nurturing and sustaining passion in what can quickly become a dull life of habit. Let’s keep love alive.  

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Anne Duvaux Coach

Anne’s passion and purpose in life are to guide people to find their own path and contentment by learning about themselves. Only then can we build and nurture the deep connections we all deserve to have. With a background in psychology and neuroscience coaching, she has helped countless couples... Read more transform their communication from aggression to assertiveness and appreciation.   She is both an ICF certified coach and mindfulness-certified, while being a counselor in training, meaning that she offers a holistic approach. You can expect to transform your view of yourself, your relationship, and the world by better understanding the habits of your mind and letting go of the unhelpful ones. You have power over your mind but you don’t have to do it alone. Read less

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