It is practically impossible to encounter a person who at least once in their life hasn’t felt like they loved someone who didn’t return the feeling.
In those situations, we are quick to assume there is something wrong with us, something we need to correct to gain the love of that person. However, love is not a recipe which if you follow step by step will surely grant results.
We know love has a lot to do with chemicals in the brain, we can indeed identify them and describe their change over time. Yet, by just looking at the chemicals we are unable to explain why is it that we fall for that particular person.
The answer lies in our psyche, but often it is not so easy to completely understand our heart’s choice.
However, if we want to be happy, we might want to dig deeper and comprehend why it is that we fall for someone who doesn’t desire us.
When you are reflecting on what to do when you love someone who doesn’t love you back consider taking the following 6 steps.
Turn your binoculars inwards
Undoubtedly you have heard that when you hate someone, you should look to yourself as it is often true that what you hate in another person is something you dislike strongly in yourself.
Something similar happens to be true for love. We tend to like in others those qualities we like in ourselves and/or those qualities we would like to have.
Assuming we want to remedy the situation, firstly we should figure out what it is that the other person has that we admire so much.
What kind of adjectives do we use when describing them? Is it something they are, something they do or perhaps how they make us feel? Once we grasp what it is, we can think about how to provide it for ourselves without depending on the other person to bring in into our lives.
Hence, the infatuation with that person will decrease. Don’t think we assume this is a straightforward task, but where there is will there is a way.
Ask yourself: Mirror, mirror on the wall, why did, in love with this person, I fall?
Tear up the image of the perfect prince/princess
When we love someone we tend to see nothing but the positive about them. Have you ever tried listing some of the flaws in the person you love? On the occasion that you have and came out empty – ask yourself “do I know this person well enough if I can’t list any negatives?”
A relationship is built between two people, not between a person and the ideal.
In case you could list a few specks in their perfect resume, you might find yourself adding at the end: “..but that is what makes them so special”. Considering you have noticed those attributes you probably find them undesirable and important, otherwise, they wouldn’t have caught your eye.
At this moment, though, you choose to disregard them as unimportant. If this is accurate, challenge yourself: “how long would I be able to turn the blind eye to that behavior?”
Finally, if you had nothing to list as flaws, yet you know them very well and think they are absolutely perfect, ask yourself the hard question: “why don’t I try to find someone who describes me the same way?” Why focus on the person that doesn’t love you back, when you can put your efforts into finding someone who thinks you are perfect the way you are?
If you believe there is still a chance to win this person over or you think they are irreplaceable we have advice for that too.
Attempt smarter not harder
On the assumption that you decide to persist in your efforts when you love someone who doesn’t love you back, rethink your approach and put a deadline to it.
If you want to get to a different place, don’t take the same road you always have.
Think about ways you can try to get them to be with you, as well as criteria you will use to estimate if you are making progress and how to know when to give up. Moreover, the deadline and the criteria are necessary for preventing you from investing too much effort and time without accomplishing your goal.
In the end, you might want to ask yourself: “do I want to continue pursuing this person or do I want to be happy?”
Everyone is unique, no one is irreplaceable
Needless to say, everyone is special and one of a kind. It is possible the mistake we make is adding to that description the word “irreplaceable”
When we love someone it can feel like no one else will be able to match the criteria as well as they do or love us the way they did or could love. Occasionally, it might look like we are losing love itself by losing that person. Indeed, the person you love is unparalleled and beyond compare, however, it does not imply there can’t be anyone better.
Moreover, if one person met your love expectations, there will be another. If you stop looking, you will confirm your initial prognosis – the person you love is irreplaceable and there is no one else for you. Retain this: “if you don’t ask, the answer will always be no.”
Change the behavior, if you can’t change your feelings
There comes a time when you must ask yourself: “do I give up on them or do I give up on being happy?” You can’t be happy if you are unloved by the one you love, right?
Furthermore, if you were to continue investing in a one-sided love you are in a way depriving yourself of the very thing you are trying to get. Nonetheless, this is not saying you can change overnight how you feel, but what you can change is how you act.
Sometimes change come from within, other times we change our behavior first.
How would you act if you were in search of love? Would you go out and put yourself in social situations increasing the likelihood of meeting someone? Probably. The feelings you have for that person will not disappear immediately, but by giving up on attempting to “drink from an empty glass” you are actually giving mutual love a chance.
Give up on the person, not on love
When it comes to love, same is true as is for completing a project or passing an exam.
Wishful thinking will not lead you to your goal. Therefore, when you love someone who doesn’t love you back wishing they would return the feelings is not going to alter the situation.
Customarily, the first strategy and a legitimate one at that is to attempt to win the person over to be with you and love you back. Remember, like any good strategy it should have a plan including a deadline. In case it doesn’t generate your desired results, don’t worry – you are letting the person go, not love itself.
Love lives inside us, not in the other
Think about it – when you love, you are the one providing love while the other person is the object of the affection. For some reason, of which you can be more or less aware, you chose that particular person.
It stands to reason that if you were able to do this, you can gain control of your choice and redirect your affection to someone new willing to cherish you back. Love grows inside you and you can decide where to transplant it”!