Why Intimacy Is More Than Just Sex

We all long for intimacy, and physical contact can appear as intimacy, at least for a moment. And although sex is defined as an intimate act; without intimacy, we can’t truly experience all that God intended for us to experience.

Don’t miss understand us, we are all for the occasional “Quickie”. After all, the bible did say in the book of Ecclesiastes, “To everything, there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:”. So, when you don’t have a lot of time, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.

Sex is more than just a physical act

We don’t want our sex life to degenerate into merely a physical act without intimacy and love. No matter how much sex we have, if we don’t develop true love and intimacy before sex, then it won’t be there after sex.

Real intimacy is not just two bodies coming together in sex

Ephesians 5:31 (KJV) For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

Two becoming one is more than just physical sex. How many married couples have sex, sharing their bodies but not their hearts? They may be married, sleeping together, having sex, and yet feel alone.

Why?

Sex is just a medium of intimacy

Just as a garden hose is not the source of water, but only an expression or vehicle for it; so sex is not the source of intimacy, but merely an expression of it.

If there is no water in the reservoir, then there will be no water coming out of the garden hose.

Likewise, if there is no love and intimacy in our hearts, then there will be none coming out of the physical act of sex.

Many couples will engage in sex before marriage because they feel that it is an expression of their love for each other. But in most cases, they truly have not developed an intimate relationship. As a matter of fact, many of these couples may continue to have sex but actually, impede their growth towards a more intimate relationship.

Sex too soon in a relationship is not good for a relationship

Although these couples may stay together and even get married, their relationship simply becomes physical, and they stop sharing intimate knowledge. They become a couple or marriage that is going through the motions of love but have lost the emotions of love; intimacy.

As a matter of fact, couples who immediately enter into a sexual relationship may experience the joys of sex, but usually never become truly intimate because they stop sharing knowledge. The relationship becomes defined by the physical act of sex.

Real intimacy is more than sex

Granted, sex is a part of an intimate expression, but it is not intimacy. Sex can be the most intimate and beautiful expression of love, but we are only lying to ourselves when we act as if sex is the proof of love.

Too many men demand sex as proof of love; too many women have given sex in hopes of love.

We live in a world filled with users where we abuse each other in order to dull the pain of being alone. And unfortunately far too many people will use sex as a way to fulfil their self-interest rather than as an expression for their mate’s best interest.

In our book “First Love, True Love, Best Love”, we discuss how the love that once was, is no longer. What used to be a very passionate and intimate relationship has been reduced to individuals just going through the motions of love at best, or has become outright hostile and destructive behaviour or even worse.

Almost universally, these relationships start out with a commonality of an initial elation, ecstasy, excitement, jubilation, joy, and delight. They experience an extremely pleasant and emotional feeling of euphoria as they become more and more intimate.

Initial excitement will fade at some point in time

What is also almost universally common with our relationships, is that at some point those initial feelings of elation, ecstasy, euphoria, excitement, jubilation, joy, and delight are no longer there.

Most couples have a great story about how they first met and fell in love but usually cannot pinpoint when they began to fall out of love. They may remember the various points in which they were disappointed or hurt, but the moment that the love began to fade is generally elusive.

Revelation 2:4 (KJV) Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee because thou hast left thy first love.

So when does the love stop?

No, we’re not talking about sex; because many couples continue to have physical sex even though their love for each other has faded.

The love fades when we stop sharing intimate knowledge with each other, and when we stop doing the intimate things we use to do with each other.

Revelation 2:5 (KJV) Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent.

What God wants us to do is to remember and repent. When we ask couples to tell us about when they first met, their first date, when they first fell in love, and the day they got married—they always smile as they reminisce with fond memories of the past. Even if minutes ago during the counseling they were at each other’s throats. Someone once said, “God gave us memory so that we could remember the smell and beauty of roses in December.

Reminisce the good times when things go sour

When we are in the December (harsh, cruel, gloomy, and stormy) seasons of our relationships, we need to remember the times when everything was “Coming Up Roses”!

Now that we’ve remembered how things use to be, why we first got together, the purpose and dreams we use to have—now it’s time to repent. That is, return or go back to doing the things we use to do when we were happy.

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Wil And Grace Nichols Pastoral Counselor

Drs. Wil and Grace Nichols are Marriage and Relationship Experts.  Their subject-matter expertise comes from 30 years of educational, professional, and spiritual training; including a Doctorate in Theology and Marriage and Family Counseling from St. Thomas Seminary and Christian... Read more University. Together they have written 5 books on marriage and family that deal with the five divine connections of marriage (Spiritual, Physical, Emotional, Love, and Sexual Connection).     Drs. Wil and Grace are the founders and owners of Triangle Marriage and Family Life Counseling Center in the Raleigh / Durham area, and My Marriage University, an Online and Virtual Marriage and Family Counseling and Training Website.  They are also the directors of the International Youth Department Covenant Keepers Married and Engaged Couples Initiative of the Church of God in Christ. They proudly serve as Pastor and First Lady of Victorious Praise Fellowship Church of God in Christ in Durham NC, and Superintendent of the Greater Triangle District of North Carolina Third Jurisdiction of the Church of God in Christ.    Drs. Wil and Grace have been married for over 30 years and are the proud parents to two Children, Anthony and Crystal Nichols. Read less

(Wil and is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in Durham)

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When you and your partner talk about something important…

We listen with care — even hard talks feel safe and productive

We try to talk, but lately emotional closeness feels harder to reach

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Our discussions sometimes spiral or end unresolved

It’s hard to feel close because our physical intimacy hasn’t felt strong lately

We often see things differently about goals or priorities

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