10 Key Steps to Making a Safety Plan for Domestic Violence

Leaving an abusive partner takes monumental courage. Not only can it trigger an unparalleled retaliation, but it can also cause confusion. 

The phrase “Is it me?” often comes to mind. Abusers can be both deadly and charming, which is why you need a safety plan for domestic violence.

How a safety plan for domestic violence can protect you

The UN describes domestic abuse “as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.”

It can be anything from embarrassing you in front of friends to doubting your decision-making skills, as well as physical pushing or hitting.

The UN’s power and control wheel is a useful infographic to help you determine whether you need a safety plan for domestic violence.

The hardest aspect of abuse is that things are rarely clear-cut. Moreover, as your self-esteem erodes, you start believing them when they tell you it’s your fault.

It is definitely not your fault. Everyone deserves to be heard and their boundaries respected. If you’re unsure, review this definition of boundaries, and if anything doesn’t feel right, listen to your gut.

A safety plan for domestic violence then comes into play to give your gut feel a structure and a sense of control. 

Whether this means getting a new mobile phone number or driving to work a different way, you are essentially instilling firm boundaries.

In some cases, that means staying away from places or even rooms in the house. For instance, bathrooms and kitchens are more dangerous because there are tools around that can quickly become weapons.

10 key aspects of preparing a safety plan for domestic violence

A study on personal safety and positive life outcomes declares, “Safety is a prerequisite for living a fulfilled and happy life.”

Being victimized or prevented from freely choosing your approach to life is the time when you need to start thinking about a safety plan.

1. Safety during violent situations

The first important point is that your abuser must never suspect you are developing a domestic violence escape plan. If they did, it could trigger violent repercussions.

During a violent incident, the aim is to avoid adding more fuel to the fire. So, respond calmly if you need to say something and have a story about why you need to leave.

Perhaps you forgot to pick something up from the shops, or you have a document you left at work. Pre-planning means that you know where your car keys and wallet are so that you can discreetly grab them and go.

Even better, they could simply stay in your pockets all the time. In that case, you could just be going for a walk around the block.

Another useful trick is to find something to do by the front door, such as sorting the mail or cleaning something. And when they pause for breath, you simply open the door and leave.

2. Getting ready to leave

Of course, all of the above isn’t easy to do, especially true if the relationship started well and amicably, as most do.

Abusers also tend to have an up-and-down pattern to their behavior. So, they’ll go through a phase of being charming and loving, which is often called the reconciliation honeymoon phase, as a counselor describes in their article on “Why leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly hard.”

Then, after a calm phase, something will activate the switch to them being aggressive and controlling again. It’s also very normal for shame and guilt to creep up as we wonder what we did to make someone do this to us. But it’s not your fault.

That’s why domestic violence shelter options can be a huge support. Not only do they give you somewhere to go on short notice, but you’ll also be able to talk to other people about their experiences. Sharing pain is a powerful healing experience.

It can also be useful to read online guides as well as stories of how others have left to finalize your safety strategies for domestic violence.

Those stories give courage and ideas for how to leave. There are also specialist helplines and local support centers where you can find someone to talk through the decision with.

You are not alone, and the more you reach out and talk to others, the easier it will be.

3. Important items to keep with you

Whether you opt for a shelter or if you have friends and family you can stay with, have your safety checklist for domestic violence victims at the ready.

It includes car keys if you have them, but most importantly, personal ID documents, financial documents and bank cards, a mobile phone, and an extra change of clothes. Don’t forget key emergency contact numbers, either.

A good idea is also to take photos of cuts or bruises with you in case you need evidence for your lawyer.

Finally, think of your checklist as preparing for a short trip to another country. In a sense, that’s what you’re doing as you plan to leave one reality and enter another.

4. Safety in your own space

When creating a safety plan for domestic violence, make sure your new residence is safe. For example, change all the locks and ensure the door has a secure bolt.

An outside lighting system is also useful, as are good fire and smoke alarms. You never know what an abuser might decide to do.

5- Reaching out to lawyers

While the word lawyer might worry people in terms of fees, there are some affordable lawyers out there. You can also get recommendations and aid from support groups, some of which can also give you the basics of how the law can help you.

6- Managing a protection order

In some cases, you might be able to get a court order to keep your abuser away. In those cases, make sure the relevant people in your support group know about this order so that they, too, can help. 

That includes your work, your children’s school, friends, family, and anyone else you regularly interact with.

7- Mental and emotional safety

A good safety plan for domestic violence also includes some self-care actions you can do to manage your anxiety and potential depression.

However, perhaps the most critical step is to read about what abuse looks like. Even with physical abuse, we often find excuses for our partners, but with emotional abuse, the subtlety can make it that much harder to detect.

Watch this TED’s video to discover more details of the signs of emotional abuse:

8- Safety for your children

Naturally, it’s up to you to protect your children, but you can also teach them some basic steps to help themselves. For example, show them how to discreetly contact friends or family and how to hide their phones.

Another approach is to develop a code word with your children to let them know that this is the moment we walk out of the door.

9- Safety at work

You can also get support from your workplace if you feel comfortable talking to them. Your colleagues can also screen your calls and call the police if you’re not there at your expected times.

10- Safety in public

You’ll find a host of domestic violence support resources online, but sometimes, there are some local support groups as well. Make sure you know where those are if you ever need to go, as well as how to contact them in an emergency.

It’s also a good idea to change your routine, take different routes to work, and visit new shops.

FAQs

When making a safety plan for domestic domestic violence, it’s common to have questions. Below are some commonly asked questions to help answer your concerns: 

• What can you do to avoid escalating a violent situation?

Communication strategies are a useful addition to any safety plan for domestic violence. Essentially, always stay calm and limit your responses to short, factual phrases.

Most importantly, stay away from “you do this or that” phrases.

Showing that you’re listening and taking into account what they’re saying is also key. But don’t forget that you come first, and your domestic violence safety plan focuses on you and your children.

•  How does the law help domestic abuse victims?

Depending on the situation, your case might fall under criminal or civil law. Either way, a lawyer will guide you as to what you need, including, for example, a court order to keep your abuser away.

The US has the Domestic Violence Act, and the UK has the Domestic Abuse Act, both of which describe abuse such that you can get support. 

Most lawyers offer an initial free consultation, so it’s worth reaching out with your questions as part of defining your safety plan for domestic violence.

• What can you do to ensure your children’s safety in a domestic violence safety plan?

Depending on their age, you can share your safety plan for domestic violence with your children and make them a part of it. So, show them how to call for help discreetly and to keep an emergency bag ready at all times.

• What can you do if your safety plan fails?

Unfortunately, events can make it impossible to follow a safety plan for domestic violence. There are some extreme cases where people have been grabbed and locked up, for example.

That’s why it’s critical to put safety steps in place to avoid situations getting out of control. People have also lost their lives.

If you do find yourself in a more extreme situation, watch your abuser’s patterns and look for gaps in behavior. There is usually a window of inattention or absence at some point. Grab it as soon as you can.

Final thoughts on being ready with your safety plan for domestic violence

A safety plan for domestic abuse victims can make the difference between life and death. It can also give you the structure and confidence to take that leap and leave.

Leaving is one of the toughest decisions to make, but countless others have. They have also healed and moved on. Everything is possible, but it takes a first step, so use the safety plan to get you there.

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Anne’s passion and purpose in life are to guide people to find their own path and contentment by learning about themselves. Only then can we build and nurture the deep connections we all deserve to have. With a background in psychology and neuroscience coaching, she has helped countless couples... Read more transform their communication from aggression to assertiveness and appreciation.   She is both an ICF certified coach and mindfulness-certified, while being a counselor in training, meaning that she offers a holistic approach. You can expect to transform your view of yourself, your relationship, and the world by better understanding the habits of your mind and letting go of the unhelpful ones. You have power over your mind but you don’t have to do it alone. Read less

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