115 Amusing and Funny Marriage Quotes to Brighten Your Day

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering how love and laughter can coexist in the world of wedded bliss, look no further. 

Well, you’re in the right place! We’re diving into a goldmine of hilariously spot-on observations about the sacred (and often crazy) institution of marriage.

From rib-tickling jabs at husbands to witty musings on the complexities of love and money, we’ve got the best funny quotes about marriage right here. Get ready to nod your head and share a knowing smile. Let’s unravel the comical chaos together!

115 amusingly accurate funny quotes about marriage

From the trenches of everyday life to the battleground of sharing remote control, these funny quotes about marriage are here to make you nod, chuckle, and maybe even give your partner a knowing look.

• Funny quotes about love and marriage

Dive into a collection of funny marriage quotes for newlyweds and matured couples, filled with witty perspectives on the journey of love, featuring famous funny quotes about marriage and love.

1. “Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade.” — Carrie
2. “By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates
3. “Marriage is a blast. Like a bomb.” – Julieanne O’Connor
4. “There are a hundred paths through the world that are easier than loving. But who wants it easier?” – Mary Oliver
5. “Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.” – Alan King
6. “When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.” – Richard Lewis
7. “Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.” – Rory Elder
8. “Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night.” – St. Jerome
9. “Marriage should be a duet – when one sings, the other claps.” – Joe Murray
10. “Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.” – Eddie Cantor
11. ”A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” – Michel de Montaigne
12. “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” – Ogden Nash
13. “The two most important words in marriage for me are ‘yes, dear.’” – Eric Close
14. “Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” – Kathy Mohnke
15. “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” – Lily Tomlin
16. “My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” – Henry Youngman
17. “Marriage is like a jigsaw puzzle – all the pieces fit, but it takes a little time to figure out how to make them work together.” – Unknown
18. “Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns
19. “Marriage is all about fun, love, and agreeing on whose turn it is to do the dishes.” – Melanie White
20. “My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.” – Lee Judge

• Funny marriage quotes about husbands

This laughter-packed selection of funny marriage captions and quotes highlights the humorous side of marriage, including funny and sweet quotes about marriage and humorous takes on husbands.

1. My prince is not coming on a white horse … He’s obviously riding a turtle, and definitely lost.” – Unknown
2. “Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” – Jerry Seinfeld
3. “Michelle’s like Beyoncé in that song, ‘Let me upgrade ya!’ She upgraded me.” – Barack Obama
4. “We got married: society’s solution to loneliness, lust and laundry.” – George Cockcroft
5. “I’m married to a very unusual person, but maybe it took a very unusual person to be willing to marry me.” – Fiona Shaw
6. “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” – Oscar Wilde
7. “The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.” – Groucho Marx
8. “Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time.” – Chris Rock
9. “Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.” – Samuel Johnson
10. “We both said, ‘I do!’ and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since.” – So I Married an Axe Murderer
11. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.” – Winston Churchill
12. “I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is.” – Forrest Gump
13. “Marriage is when a man and woman promise to love, honor, and annoy each other for the rest of their lives.” – Unknown
14. “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.” – Megan Mullally
15. “A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
16. “Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”- Stephanie Ortiz
17. “I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner
18. “All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” – Red Skelton
19. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.” – Albert Einstein
20. “Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you.” – Chip Gaines

• Best funny quotes about marriage

Prepare to be amused as we present you with the wittiest short and funny marriage quotes. 

These funny quotes about happy marriage will remind you that laughter is indeed a key ingredient for a successful union.

1. “Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” – Joseph Barth
2. “An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.” – Booth Tarkington
3. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.” – Joyce Brothers
4. “Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.” – John Wilmott
5. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go and live with a car battery.” – Emma Bombeck
6. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: I’ll do the dishes.” – Unknown
7. “Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it.” – Phyllis Schlafly
8. “Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” – Natasha Leggero
9. “Marriage is grand. Divorce, 200 grand.” – Anonymous
10. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times – always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin
11. “Life after marriage is like a walk in a park. The only problem is that the park is on fire.”
12. “I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” – Wendy Liebman
13. “If I had a flower for every time I thought of you… I could walk through my garden forever.” – Alfred Tennyson
14. “Marriage is like a fine wine, if tended to properly, it only gets better with age, even if it makes you talk nonsense from time to time.” – Unknown
15. “In my house, I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision-maker.” – Woody Allen
16. “In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” – Rita Rudner
17. “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” – Ruth Bell Graham
18. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman
19. “For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have their own bathroom. The end.” – Catherine Zeta-Jones
20. “Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.” – Gilbert K. Chesterton

• Funny quotes about marriage and life

Take a humorous stroll through the various stages of married life with these funny wedding quotes, and discover the secrets to a happy and laughter-filled marriage.

1. “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” – Jean Illsely Clarke
2. “Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.” – Mae West
3. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin
4. “Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It’s not an adventure. You do more before five than most folks do all day.” – Sinbad
5. “In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.” – Helen Rowland
6. “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield
7. “All my friends are getting married. I guess I’m just at that age where people give up.” – Amy Schumer
8. “Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” – Jerry Seinfeld
9. “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller
10. “The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman
11. “A good marriage is like a casserole – only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.” – Unknown
12. “Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
13. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’” – Unknown
14. “My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, and good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” – Henny Youngman
15. “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And then it was too late.” – Max Kauffmann
16. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” – Groucho Marx
17. “Marriage is a fine institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.” – Mae West
18. “Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.” – Minnie Pearl
19. “Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.” – Richard Pryor
20. “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss 

• Funny quotes about marriage and money

Explore the amusing intersection of finance and matrimony with these witty insights and funny quotes about happiness in marriage and the art of achieving a happy marriage.

1. “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx
2. “Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Unknown
3. “Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.” – Unknown
4. “Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.” – Irwin Corey
5. “My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate.” – Jim Gaffigan
6. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.” – Benjamin Franklin
7. “Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.” – Unknown
8. “Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.” – Unknown
9. “Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.” – Evelyn Hendrickson
10. “Marriage is like a fine wine, if tended to properly, it only gets better with age. However, if neglected, it turns to vinegar.” – Unknown
11. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.” – Billy Connolly
12. “A successful marriage involves falling in love many times, but always with the same person hiding your car keys.” – Unknown
13. “Marriage: A word which should be pronounced ‘mirage’.” – Herbert Spencer
14. “Marriage is like a roller coaster. You can either scream every time there’s a bump or throw your hands up and enjoy the ride.” – Unknown
15. “Marriage is like a fine wine – it’s better when you let it breathe for a while.” – Unknown
16. “If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on to something.” – Fran Lebowitz
17. “Marriage is grand – and divorce? Well, it’s around twenty grand.” – Jay Leno
18. “Marriage is the art of replacing ‘you’ and ‘I’ with ‘we’ and ‘us’ without making it sound like a crime scene.” – Unknown
19. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to buy the butter.” – Sam Kinison
20. “Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.” – Unknown
21. “Marriage is like a cup of tea. It’s all in how you make it.” – Unknown

• Funny quotes about marriage and responsibilities

Marriage is a rollercoaster ride filled with love, laughter, and, of course, a fair share of responsibilities. But who says we can’t find humor in the chaos? 

Here are some more funny quotes about marriage and responsibilities that will make you chuckle and nod in agreement. Enjoy!

1. “Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree and a woman gets her master’s degree.” – Unknown
2. “Marriage is a workshop… where the husband works and the wife shops.” – Unknown
3. “Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.” – Unknown
4. “Marriage: because your relationship wasn’t complicated enough already.” – Unknown
5. “In marriage, if you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.” – Unknown
6. “Marriage is getting to have a sleepover with your best friend every night of the week.” – Unknown
7. “A marriage is where each partner secretly suspects the other one got the better deal.” – Unknown
8. “Marriage is when your spouse’s snoring becomes your new bedtime lullaby.” – Unknown
9. “”Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.” – Unknown
10. “A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.” – Unknown
11. “Marriage: the only war where you sleep with the enemy.” – Unknown
12. “Before marrying someone, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” – Unknown
13. “Marriage is when a husband and wife agree to live together for the rest of their lives, and then they start to argue about who left the toilet seat up.” – Unknown
14. “Being in a marriage means having short conversations which always seem too long.” – Unknown

In the ever-entertaining realm of marriage, these quotes hit the nail on the head. 

From the comedic wisdom of the ages to the modern quips, these snippets capture the essence of the hilarity accompanying the journey of togetherness.

YouTuber couple Tom Bilyeu and Lisa Bilyeu talks about ways to make a relationship more fun. Take some note with this video:

Let it be fun!

These quotes encapsulate the laughter, love, and inevitable quirks of sharing life’s journey.

Whether you’re a seasoned spouse or just starting your adventure, let these witty insights remind you to find a chuckle in every twist and turn. 

Marriage, after all, is a grand symphony composed of love and laughter, where every note adds to the melody of togetherness.

Cheers to the mirthful adventure called marriage!

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Rachael Pace Author

Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships... Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less