How to Set Boundaries With a Narcissist: 19 Fruitful Ways

Do you have someone in your life who always wants to be adored? They feel entitled and accept nothing less than superior treatment, even though they disrespect others. 

And oh! They have no regard for people’s feelings yet expect you to respect them at all times. Then, you are dealing with a narcissist.

It’s easier to avoid narcissists entirely. However, since we all have them as a spouse, siblings, co-workers, bosses, or friends, knowing how to set boundaries with a narcissist is the best decision. 

That way, you can relate without being affected by their self-centered attitude. So, how do you set boundaries with narcissists? 

Learn more in the following paragraphs as we explore everything related to narcissism and boundaries.

How does a narcissist behave in a relationship?

Before setting boundaries with a narcissist, you should familiarize yourself with a narcissist’s common attitudes and behaviors. In setting narcissist boundaries, the following are the typical behaviors of a narcissist:

• A narcissist feels entitled to the best things
• A narcissist has a heightened sense of self-admiration
• A narcissist feels superior to others
• A narcissist is self-obsessed
• A narcissist has no empathy for others
• A narcissist has a jealous tendency
• A narcissist likes to seek attention
• A narcissist is more focused on beauty and power

Notably, a narcissist and boundaries don’t exist in the same lexicon. Narcissists don’t know how to establish healthy boundaries with people. Also, they will constantly try to override your decision and make you feel powerless. Before you know it, you don’t know who you are anymore.

However, you don’t need to feel out of control. Indeed, a narcissist picks on “easy prey” to feed on. Such an easy target would be a gentle, empathetic, highly sensitive, and easy-going person.

If you suspect you might be in a relationship with a narcissist, how to set boundaries in a relationship with a narcissist is your way out. It will help protect your mental health regardless of what a narcissist brings.

19 ways to set boundaries with a narcissist

If you can’t avoid one in your life, knowing how to deal with a narcissist will help you build a healthy relationship and foreground your personality. Learn more in the following paragraphs:

1. Understand what and who you are dealing with

The first step in how to set boundaries with a narcissistic spouse or friend is to know them and their behavior. Who exactly is your narcissist and what is their typical behavior? 

What’s their background like? What do they desire most? Importantly, how do they treat you and others? Once you know them inside out, it will help you create the best strategies. 

Narcissists appear over-confident and brave. But deep inside, they are insecure and emotionally weak, which is why they don’t want you to know. Once you understand that narcissists are operating within their own inadequacies, it lets you know how to approach them.

2. Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated

When setting boundaries with a narcissist, you should know that one of their powers is manipulating others. There is no line that a narcissist won’t cross to use people for their selfish gain. The fault is theirs, but they will guilt-trip you into thinking it’s yours. 

According to Maggie Martinez, a licensed clinical social worker:

Guilt-tripping and manipulation are forms of emotional abuse and can quickly lead to worse.

For example, you both agree on something, but the narcissist refuses to keep to their end of the bargain. When this happens, gently remind them what they said earlier and stand your ground.

3. Know your limit

To know how to set boundaries with a narcissistic spouse, you must know yourself. How much can you endure narcissistic behavior? When do you need to be around them and not? Do you even need to be around them? If you do, how long? 

4. Don’t feel the need to defend yourself around them

When trying to set boundaries with narcissists, you should never defend yourself from them. It’s in a narcissist’s nature to use intimidation to make you question and second-guess yourself. You can only win if you don’t explain why you act the way you do.

5. Listen to your gut

In establishing boundaries with a narcissist, ensure you listen to your emotions. 

Trust your instincts as they will warn you when dealing with a narcissist. If you are angry at a narcissist’s behavior, don’t just take it all in. Identify what you feel and why. If it’s fear you feel, why is that? 

6. Don’t show them how their behavior affects you

How to set boundaries with a narcissist? Don’t ever show them your reaction to their behavior. That gives them power and the feeling that they have control over you.

Maggie Martinez further adds:

They might even continue doing what they are doing, knowing that it is getting a rise out of you.

When a narcissist starts showing annoying behavior, you can ignore it or walk out to control your emotions.

7. Choose the best way to react

There are times when it’s best to react to narcissistic behavior. Nevertheless, ensure you are choosing the appropriate behavior. Try not to flare up, as this might make them think they have the power to provoke you. Instead, kindly tell them how you feel firmly.

8. It’s okay to say no

Narcissists will try to force your hands many times or test your limits many times. Instead, decline their requests politely when you aren’t comfortable. If you are afraid of saying no to people, you will have to learn otherwise regarding narcissism and boundaries.

9. Name their behavior

A narcissist will try out many things with you to see how far you can take some of their behaviors. When they act in a certain way, learn to label it, so they know you understand what they are doing. 

For example, you may say, “It’s demeaning when you say I can’t do some things.”

10. Don’t defend yourself

How to set boundaries with a narcissist? Don’t defend yourself during an argument when a narcissist insults you. If you do, ensure you tell the narcissist that their actions or words are irrelevant to you. That’s because narcissists are often guilty of the awful things narcissists accuse others of. 

11. Don’t share personal matters with a narcissist

One way to give a narcissist all the power to control you is to tell them personal details about yourself. You don’t want someone who is egoistic to hear about your personality, interests, hobbies, strengths, and weaknesses. 

A narcissist often assesses you to determine the best way to control or gain an advantage over you. When you let them know certain things about you, you give them the chance to use them against you.

12. Don’t join them in putting down others

Often, a narcissist will backbite or put down others in your presence. 

Narcissists put on an act to make themselves feel good and superior. When this happens, please don’t fall into the temptation of joining them. If you do, you give them the autonomy to say the same about you. It also means you accept them.

Maggie Martinez explains:

A narcissist looks for others to agree with them and show that you won’t leave when they are doing something wrong.

13. Know that you have choices

One of the reasons many people endure the wrath of a narcissist is because they feel they have no options. This scenario often happens when you have a narcissistic spouse. 

Understand there will always be alternatives for you – a new job, a healthy relationship, an empathetic friend, pleasant acquaintances, and so on.

14. Create healthy relationships with others

A relationship with a narcissist can be energy-draining. Such a relationship distracts you from a narcissistic person and helps you direct your energy into the right place. 

Regardless of the strategies you may have tried, there will come a time when you will become tired. In that case, it will help to build healthy relationships with other people.

What to do when a narcissist turns people against you? Watch this video by a noted clinical psychologist:

15. Take action 

After understanding everything, you might want to take some action. It is essential if you have tried everything in your power to set boundaries with a narcissist, but nothing is fruitful. If setting boundaries with narcissists doesn’t work, don’t give up. 

Instead, make a new plan. Some of the actions you may take include breaking up with a narcissist, moving out, or getting a new job.

16. Consider professional help

When dealing with the complexities of ways to set boundaries with a narcissist, it’s often beneficial to seek guidance from a therapist or counselor. 

These professionals can offer personalized strategies and support, helping you navigate the intricate dance of establishing and maintaining boundaries with someone who may not recognize or respect them. 

They provide a safe space to explore your feelings, develop coping mechanisms, and build a robust plan to assert your needs effectively. Remember, asking for help is a sign of strength and a step towards safeguarding your mental health.

17. Decide on consequences

In the context of boundaries and narcissists, it’s crucial to not only set your limits but also to decide on the consequences for when these boundaries are inevitably tested or crossed. This action sends a clear message that your boundaries are non-negotiable. 

Whether it’s ending a conversation, leaving the room, or taking more significant steps like limiting contact, having predetermined consequences helps you stay empowered and assertive. It’s about protecting your peace and ensuring your boundaries are respected.

18. Limit personal information

Sharing less personal information is a strategic form of narcissism boundaries. By controlling the flow of information, you reduce the narcissist’s opportunities to manipulate or hurt you with your own words or experiences. 

Think of it as keeping your emotional cards close to your chest. This approach doesn’t mean you become secretive but rather selective about what you share, ensuring that you’re not providing ammunition that could be used against you in future interactions. It’s a way to maintain your privacy and autonomy.

19. Practice self-care

Amid the stress of setting and enforcing boundaries with a narcissist, prioritizing self-care is non-negotiable. Self-care encompasses anything that nourishes your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. It could be as simple as taking a walk, enjoying a hobby, or spending time with loved ones who uplift you. 

Practicing self-care builds resilience, empowering you to handle the challenges that come with managing boundaries and narcissists. It’s a reminder that your well-being is paramount and deserves attention and care.

What to expect when setting boundaries with a narcissist?

Considering how controlling they try to be, one may wonder what happens when you set boundaries with a narcissist. It’s simple; a narcissist will likely flare up. They will argue and blame you for how they behaved towards you. 

Notably, a narcissist will ignore your feelings and act like the victim. However, stay strong. Don’t think your boundaries are any lesser than their needs. Eventually, they will be fine. But what matters is that you protect your mental health.

FAQs

Relationships with narcissists can be challenging, especially when it comes to setting boundaries. Here are some straightforward answers to common questions about dealing with narcissistic behavior and maintaining your emotional health.

• What are the typical responses of a narcissist to boundary setting?

Narcissists may react negatively to boundary setting, often with anger, denial, or manipulation attempts. They might play the victim or dismiss your feelings, as acknowledging boundaries can feel like a loss of control to them. Patience and consistency are key in these situations.

• How can I maintain relationships with other people while distancing myself from a narcissist?

Focus on building and strengthening connections outside the influence of the narcissist. Communicate openly with friends and family about your need for support. Engaging in group activities or hobbies can also help you foster new, healthy relationships.

• What resources are available to help me cope with dealing with a narcissist?

Many resources are available, including books on narcissism, online support groups, and therapy with professionals experienced in narcissistic behaviors. Educating yourself on narcissism and seeking support can provide you with coping strategies and emotional relief.

• How can I differentiate between setting healthy boundaries and becoming emotionally distant?

Setting healthy boundaries involves communicating your needs and limits clearly and respectfully, aiming for mutual respect. Becoming emotionally distant, on the other hand, involves withdrawing and cutting off emotional engagement to protect yourself without trying to maintain a balanced relationship.

• Is it possible to repair a relationship with a narcissist if I set boundaries?

Repairing a relationship with a narcissist can be challenging but not impossible. Success depends on the narcissist’s willingness to acknowledge their behavior and work on change. Setting boundaries is crucial, but mutual respect and effort are needed for lasting improvement.

Being stern and prepared

Narcissists are everywhere – in our family, work, marriages, and other relationships. Indeed, it can be exhausting to deal with a narcissist, especially when they continue to put you down and ignore your feelings. If this is your situation, it’s time to know how to set boundaries with a narcissist. 

That way, you can have a relationship with them without letting it affect your life. When nothing seems to be working, you may seek the help of a therapist to teach you healthy ways to cope with a narcissist or other means.

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Rachael Pace Author

Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships... Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less