15 Signs They Are Fooling Around With You in a Relationship

Sometimes, it’s hard to tell where you stand with someone you care about. One moment they’re warm and affectionate; the next, they’re distant, distracted, or oddly unavailable.

You start second-guessing things you used to feel sure about—like their texts, tone, or why they’re suddenly “too busy.” It’s not always about dramatic lies or betrayal—sometimes, it’s the quiet patterns that wear you down.

Maybe you’ve noticed mixed signals, subtle avoidance, or a sense that you’re more invested than they are.

Fooling around with you doesn’t always look obvious from the outside—but inside?

It can feel confusing, lonely, and even a little exhausting. If your gut keeps nudging you, it might be time to pause and pay attention to what it’s trying to say.

What does “fooling around” mean in a relationship?

In a relationship, fooling around doesn’t always mean cheating, though sometimes it can head in that direction. More often, it’s about emotional games, blurred intentions, or keeping things light while avoiding real commitment.

Maybe they flirt a little too freely, dodge serious conversations, or act like you’re together one day… and strangers the next.

It can leave you wondering, What are we even doing?

When someone is just fooling with your time, energy, or feelings, it’s rarely about fun—it’s about keeping you close enough to benefit but not close enough to matter.

15 signs they are fooling around with you

Not every “almost relationship” turns into something real. Sometimes, it lingers in a weird in-between where you’re left wondering if it’s all in your head, or if he’s actually just not that serious.

While no one wants to overthink every little thing, certain patterns speak louder than mixed messages. Here are 15 signs that might help you trust what you’ve already started to feel.

1. They bail on plans they make with you

Talking to someone you have a crush on will ultimately lead to making plans with them to meet up.

How else would you make a move on them?

But if they are constantly coming up with excuses to meet up with you or leave you stranded at the last minute, then it’s time to take a hint. Some people just flirt virtually but feel like meeting in real life would make things, well, more real.

Here’s why it happens:

• They enjoy the attention but aren’t ready to take things further.
• They fear emotional attachment that could come from spending real time with you.
• They may be juggling multiple people and not prioritizing you.

2. They flirt with other people

If they have been showing interest in you but also involving themselves with other people, then it’s time to slowly back away.

Players are the last thing you need when you’re looking for someone to have a relationship with—it will only end badly.

Here’s why it happens:

• They thrive on validation from multiple sources.
• They don’t want to commit but still want to keep you around.
• They’re testing boundaries without thinking about your feelings.

3. They say they don’t want a relationship

If you want to know how to tell if someone is playing you, then all you have to do is look out for these words: “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship.”

No, this is not a challenge. They’re not testing you to see if you can convince them otherwise. However, if they tell you they’re not looking for anything serious but still keep making moves on you, then they are definitely fooling around with you.

Here’s why it happens:

• They want intimacy without the responsibility of a relationship.
• They assume being upfront gives them a free pass to keep things casual.
• They enjoy the benefits of closeness without emotional investment.

4. They get annoyed when you don’t want to have sex

Who hasn’t heard the words “some people only want sex”?

Just because it’s said often doesn’t make it any less true. A surefire way to tell if you’re being played is if they only seem interested in physical intimacy and not in dating you.

If they only give you attention when they want to get close to you, then they’re just trying to sleep with you.

Here’s why it happens:

• They see you more as a physical outlet than a partner.
• They’re not emotionally connected, just physically attracted.
• They may lack empathy for your boundaries and needs.

5. They’re financially dependent on you

Despite how little it’s talked about, it’s no lie that people can be gold diggers, too. If your partner comes running to you every time they need to buy something, or you end up picking up the cheque at every meal, then it’s time to rethink your relationship.

Sharing expenses is good and healthy, but taking on the bulk of the expenses is not. They’re playing with you, and it’s time to drop them.

Here’s why it happens:

• They may be using the relationship for personal gain.
• They know you’re generous and take advantage of it.
• They don’t see the connection as something equal or balanced.

6. They only talk about themselves

Venting to you about a bad day or even a bad week is normal behavior, even healthy. However, if they’re just venting to you all the time and don’t give you an opportunity to talk about yourself, then they’re just using you as an emotional trash can.

Narcissism is a big red flag—no relationship can be just about one person.

According to Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Christiana Njoku, LPC,

If they make the relationship all about them and is centered around their needs and desires, without considering yours, then, they are fooling you around in that relationship.

Here’s why it happens:

• They value being heard but don’t care to listen.
• They’re emotionally immature and self-centered.
• They want a one-sided connection that serves them.

7. Your partner doesn’t make you feel good

Relationships are about mutual affection and feeling connected with someone. Feeling good about yourself should be the natural byproduct of dating someone—knowing that someone likes you for who you are and that you can always count on them is important.

If they’re constantly undermining you or making you feel bad about yourself, then you know they’re fooling around with you and don’t really like you.

Here’s why it happens:

• They may be insecure and project that onto you.
• They aren’t invested enough to build you up.
• They want to keep you second-guessing yourself.

8. They don’t do the things you want to do

A relationship is an equal give and take. Compromises are essential. If they make you sit around and watch them play video games for 3 hours, then they should also be willing to spend a couple of hours watching your favorite rom-com.

If they refuse to do the things you enjoy, then there’s a problem, and that’s how you know if someone is playing you.

Here’s why it happens:

• They don’t consider your interests important.
• They’re focused on convenience, not connection.
• They’re not serious about making shared memories.

9. Their past relationships ended badly

A good way to know if they’re fooling around with you is to look into their past relationships.

Did they end because they were selfish in the relationship?

Did they cheat on their ex-partner?

All of these can help you see patterns in their behavior now with you. And then you’ll know what to say to someone who played you—”We need to talk.”

Here’s why it happens:

• They’ve never done the work to grow or change.
• They may repeat old patterns out of habit.
• They don’t value long-term emotional effort.

10. Your friends think they’re sketchy

Sometimes, it’s good to trust your friends’ instincts. They have an outsider’s view of your relationship and are not clouded by emotions.

If they tell you your partner is not treating you right, that’s a good way to tell if they’re fooling around with you and don’t want anything serious.

Here’s why it happens:

• Your partner is giving off red flags that are easier for others to see.
• Friends can spot inconsistency and manipulation from the outside.
• They care about you and want you to avoid emotional harm.

11. They hide you from their friends

If they have expressed interest in hanging out with you more, but refuse to invite you to do things with their friends, then there’s a good chance they just want to fool around with you.

If you think they’re hiding you to keep your relationship a secret, then you need to think about whether they’re serious about you or if they’re just a player.

Here’s why it happens:

• They want the benefits of dating without any public ties.
• They’re not proud or serious about the relationship.
• They may be seeing other people and trying to cover their tracks.

12. They friend-zoned you but still flirt with you

If you’ve approached them and told them you’re interested in a relationship, but they ask to remain just friends, then that’s well and good. You may even develop a really good friendship.

But if they keep friend-zoning you while also flirting with you and giving you mixed signals, that’s how to tell if someone is playing with your feelings.

Here’s why it happens:

• They enjoy your attention but don’t want commitment.
• They like the emotional safety without the responsibility.
• They’re unsure of what they want and are keeping you “just in case.”

13. They always play the victim

If you confront them about something and, after ten minutes, find yourself apologizing for something that was never your fault, to begin with, then stop right there.

Christiana Njoku, LPC, highlights,

For you to know they are fooling around with you, just observe the way they make you blame yourself for everything that happens in the relationship.

It’s time to assess your relationship. Your partner is just fooling around. It’s time to move on.

Here’s why it happens:

• They deflect blame to avoid accountability.
• They manipulate you into staying despite red flags.
• They want sympathy instead of real change.

14. They give you backhanded compliments

We love it when partners compliment us—it makes us feel warm and fuzzy on the inside and gives us a much-needed confidence boost.

But if they say something like, “Your hair looks good today, despite being a blonde,” then it might not seem like a big deal, but it is.

Such backhanded compliments can be difficult to spot, but can do a lot of emotional damage in the long run. This is one of the first signs of an abusive relationship.

For such toxic partners, this is just a power play, and they see you as just a toy they can play with.

Here’s why it happens:

• They want to chip away at your confidence slowly.
• They use subtle insults to maintain control.
• They don’t respect you, but still want access to you.

15. They tell you they want an open relationship

If they say they want an open relationship when you first start dating them, it’s all good—sometimes people don’t like to be put into a box before they know they get along really well with someone.

But if you’ve been dating for over a year now and your partner still insists on having an open relationship and doesn’t want any commitments, then it’s time to move on. They’re just playing with you and not considering your feelings.

Here’s why it happens:

• They’re afraid of commitment but don’t want to lose you.
• They may be trying to keep their options open indefinitely.
• They aren’t emotionally present in the relationship.

How to know it’s not just casual dating

Not every situationship starts with clear labels—and that’s okay. Casual dating can be honest, fun, and even meaningful… but when someone is fooling around with you, the energy feels different.

You’re not just relaxed—you’re unsettled. You find yourself questioning what you are to them, wondering why it feels one-sided, even when they say all the “right” things.

Here’s how you can tell it’s not just casual dating:

• You feel anxious, not curious
• They dodge even light emotional conversations
• Your needs are minimized or ignored
• They act differently in public vs. private
• You feel disposable, not chosen

Healthy casual dating feels safe and respectful. If you’re always second-guessing your worth, it’s not about the label. It’s about how they show up—or don’t.

What can you do if you suspect it? 5 tips

If something feels off, trust that feeling—it’s there for a reason. You don’t have to rush to label it or confront them right away. But if you suspect your partner is fooling around with you, emotionally or otherwise, it’s worth paying closer attention.

Here are a few steps you can take to gently protect your heart and get the clarity you deserve.

1. Ask for clarity—without demanding it

Sometimes, all it takes is a simple, honest question: “What are we doing here?” You’re not pressuring them for a commitment—you’re inviting them to be real. If they respond with defensiveness, vague answers, or flip the question back on you, that tells you a lot.

Clear communication is part of mutual respect; if they dodge it, they may be avoiding more than just labels. You deserve someone who can meet you in the middle.

Do this:

• Ask them, calmly and privately, how they see the relationship evolving
• Use “I” statements like “I’m feeling unsure where we stand”
• Don’t push for a label—just look for sincerity and openness in how they respond

2. Watch their actions more than their words

Words can sound sweet, promising, and even comforting… but they don’t mean much without consistent follow-through.

Are they showing up for you?

Including you in their life?

Taking small steps to build trust?

If their actions feel flaky, self-serving, or emotionally distant, they might be fooling around. Trust isn’t built on potential—it’s built on what actually happens.

Do this:

• Write down what they say vs. what they actually do over a couple of weeks
• Notice if they cancel, forget, or make excuses regularly
• Ask yourself: Would I act this way if I cared deeply about someone?

3. Reflect on how you feel around them

Do you feel safe, appreciated, and understood—or are you always guessing, hoping, or waiting? Your body keeps score.

If you leave interactions feeling drained, anxious, or confused more often than calm and connected, something isn’t right. Real connection brings more peace than tension. Pay attention to how you feel—your feelings are valid.

Do this:

• Journal how you feel after spending time with them
• Talk it through with a trusted friend who won’t judge you
• Rate your emotional experience (1–10) after each interaction to spot patterns

4. Set boundaries based on what you need

Boundaries aren’t ultimatums; they’re clarity. If you need honesty, exclusivity, or simply not to be strung along, that’s okay. Let them know what feels respectful to you, and stick with it.

If they can’t meet your needs or guilt you for having them, they’re likely not serious. Boundaries protect your peace, especially when someone else isn’t doing it for you.

Do this:

• Clearly express one or two specific needs without apologizing for them
• Practice saying, “That doesn’t work for me” without over-explaining
• Reaffirm your boundary when it’s crossed—lovingly, but firmly

Watch this video in which therapist Jess Miller shares how to set healthy boundaries without guilt—and what makes them different from ultimatums or being mean:

5. Don’t be afraid to walk away

Leaving someone who gives you just enough to keep you around—but not enough to build something real—is hard. But staying in a confusing space takes an emotional toll, day by day.

You deserve a relationship that feels mutual, steady, and kind, not one that keeps you questioning your worth. Walking away isn’t dramatic; sometimes, it’s the most loving thing you can do for yourself.

Do this:

• Create a goodbye script that centers your peace, not their guilt
• Lean on your support system—don’t isolate yourself during this choice
• Remind yourself daily: “If it costs me my peace, it’s too expensive”

Choose clarity over confusion

When something feels off, it usually is—and your intuition deserves credit. Fooling around with you doesn’t always look obvious; sometimes it’s quiet, slow, and wrapped in sweet words with no real follow-through. You’re not “too much” for wanting clarity, kindness, or consistency.

You deserve someone who shows up, not someone who keeps you in a loop of confusion. Love should feel grounding, not like a guessing game. So take a deep breath, be honest with yourself, and know this: wanting more isn’t the problem. Settling for less is.

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