11 Signs of a Mentally Abusive Relationship & How to Deal

You used to laugh more, didn’t you?

Now it feels like every word, every choice, even the way you sit, could be wrong. Some days you wonder if you’re imagining it… other days, you’re sure you’re not.

They tell you your friends aren’t good for you. They say your family doesn’t really care. And slowly, without meaning to, you start believing them. You stop sharing your wins. You stop expecting kindness. You stop expecting anything at all.

It’s not just the words they use — it’s the way they make you feel like you’re nothing without them. And over time, you begin to forget who you were before all this began.

What is mental abuse in a relationship?

Mental abuse, also called emotional abuse, is a pattern of behavior aimed at controlling, demeaning, or manipulating someone on a psychological level. It can include constant criticism, belittling, humiliation, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and even the silent treatment — all tactics meant to erode a person’s self-esteem and sense of independence.

Unlike physical abuse, mental abuse doesn’t leave visible marks. Instead, it quietly chips away at your confidence, leaving you anxious, doubtful, and unsure of your own reality.

Sometimes it’s loud and explosive; other times it’s subtle, hidden behind jokes or “concern” that outsiders might not notice. But in either form, the damage runs deep.

Here’s an example:

A partner might consistently belittle your ideas, roll their eyes when you speak, or mock you in front of friends. When you get upset, they tell you you’re “too sensitive” or “imagining things.”

Over time, you start questioning yourself more than you question their behavior, until their voice becomes louder than your own.

11 signs of a mentally abusive relationship & how to deal

When you’re in a mentally abusive relationship, it can be hard to see the harm for what it is, especially when it’s wrapped in moments of calm or affection. But certain patterns stand out over time. Recognizing them is the first step toward reclaiming your sense of self.

Below are ten common signs to watch for, along with ways to start healing, even if you can’t leave right away. Each small step matters, and every bit of strength you gather now will help you take the bigger ones later.

1. Your partner denigrates your self-improvement efforts

If you try to invest in yourself — starting a new exercise routine, learning a skill, or making healthier choices — they dismiss it or mock you. They might say, “Why bother? You’ll quit like you always do,” or “That’s not going to change anything about you.”

Instead of encouragement, you’re met with doubt and ridicule. Over time, these put-downs can make you believe you’ll never succeed at anything without their approval.

Here’s how to deal with this:

• Track your progress privately in a journal or with photos so you can see your own growth, even when they refuse to acknowledge it.
• Share your goals with friends, a support group, or an online community that encourages you without judgment.
• Remind yourself that their discouraging words reflect their own insecurity, not your abilities.

2. Your partner is threatened by outside support systems

A mentally abusive person doesn’t want you to have people in your corner. They might criticize your friends, claiming they’re “using you” or “don’t really like you,” or call your family “toxic” and insist you cut them out.

If you mention therapy or counseling, they’ll dismiss it as a waste of time and money, insisting only they know what you truly need. By isolating you, they make it harder for you to seek help or see your situation clearly.

Here’s how to deal with this:

• Keep in quiet contact with at least one trusted person, even if it’s just a short message every few days.
• Find online support communities where you can share and receive encouragement without your partner’s knowledge.
• Write down positive experiences and affirmations from loved ones to counter the false narratives your partner creates.

3. You feel a constant sense of anxiety

Living with a controlling partner means you’re always bracing for the next criticism or restriction. You start to feel like you need permission for even the smallest choices — whether it’s going back to school, seeing a friend, or trying something new.

Just the thought of bringing it up makes your stomach tighten, because you already know they’ll find a reason to say no. This constant tension is one of the clearest signs of mental abuse in relationships, and it slowly trains you to second-guess your every move.

Here’s how to deal with this:

• Practice calming techniques, like slow breathing or grounding exercises, before and after conversations with them.
• Make small, independent choices each day — even simple things like what you wear or eat — to rebuild your confidence in decision-making.
• Keep a private record of the times you acted on your own and nothing bad happened, to remind yourself that their control isn’t absolute.

4. Your partner has no sense of humor

With a mentally abusive partner, lightness and laughter are rare. They can’t laugh at their own mistakes — instead, they bristle or explode if they think someone is laughing at them. Even harmless teasing feels dangerous because you never know when it will cross their invisible line.

When they do find something “funny,” it’s often rooted in cruelty, like mocking someone’s pain or misfortune. Over time, you stop sharing jokes or stories altogether, because joy feels unsafe in their presence.

Here’s how to deal with this:

• Create small moments of joy away from them — watch a comedy, listen to a funny podcast, or spend time with someone who makes you smile.
• Remind yourself that your sense of humor is not a flaw; it’s part of your personality and resilience.
• Keep a mental or written “happiness list” of things that genuinely make you laugh, so you can reconnect with them when it feels safe.

5. Your partner never takes responsibility for any mistakes

In a mentally abusive relationship, apologies are rare — if they happen at all. If your partner forgets something important, it’s somehow your fault for not reminding them. If they yell or lash out, they claim you “made” them do it.

Every conflict ends with the blame landing squarely on your shoulders. Living like this can leave you feeling powerless, constantly on guard, and desperate to avoid mistakes that aren’t even yours to begin with.

Here’s how to deal with this:

• Keep a private record of events so you can see the truth more clearly when they try to twist it.
• Practice saying short, calm statements like “That’s not how I remember it” instead of defending yourself endlessly.
• Remind yourself regularly — even out loud — that you are not responsible for their choices or actions.

6. They subject you to verbal insults

Verbal abuse doesn’t always start as obvious name-calling. In many mentally abusive relationships, it begins with subtle jabs disguised as jokes, passing comments about your looks, or criticism of your abilities.

Over time, these remarks become sharper, louder, and more frequent, wearing away at your self-worth. Whether it’s outright insults or backhanded compliments, the message is the same — to make you feel smaller and easier to control.

Here’s how to deal with this:

• Notice and name the insult in your own mind, even if you can’t respond aloud in the moment.
• Spend time with people who speak to you with kindness and respect, to remind yourself how healthy communication feels.
• Repeat affirmations or write statements about your value and abilities to counteract the damage of their words.

7. They resort to threats and intimidation

Threats are one of the most dangerous signs of a mentally abusive relationship. They might raise their voice, block your path, make aggressive gestures, or tell you what will happen if you don’t do as they say.

Some threats are direct — “You’ll regret it if you leave” — while others are implied, hidden in a tone or a look you’ve learned to fear. This constant undercurrent of intimidation keeps you anxious, hyper-alert, and afraid to make choices for yourself.

Here’s how to deal with this:

• Prioritize your safety — have a plan for where you can go and who you can call if a situation escalates.
• Document threatening statements or behaviors in a secure place that your partner cannot access.
• Reach out to a domestic abuse hotline or counselor to discuss safe next steps, even if you’re not ready to leave yet.

8. You often face manipulative blaming

In a mentally abusive relationship, blame becomes a weapon. Your partner twists events so you end up responsible for their moods, mistakes, and even their abusive behavior. If they lash out, it’s because you “pushed their buttons.”

If they withdraw, it’s because you “failed” to meet their needs. This constant shifting of responsibility keeps you in a cycle of guilt and self-doubt, making it harder to see their actions for what they are — deliberate choices to avoid accountability and maintain control.

Here’s how to deal with this:

• Remind yourself daily that you are only responsible for your own actions and emotions, not theirs.
• Practice mentally stepping back from arguments to spot when blame-shifting is happening.
• Discuss these patterns with a therapist or trusted friend to get an outside perspective that confirms you’re not imagining it.

9. They withhold showing any affection to you

In a mentally abusive relationship, love and affection can become rewards your partner dangles just out of reach. When you please them, they might offer brief warmth or approval. But the moment you step out of line — or they simply decide you’ve done something wrong — the kindness disappears.

They withhold touch, praise, or even basic attention, leaving you feeling insecure and desperate to “earn” their love again. Over time, you start chasing crumbs of affection instead of expecting the steady care every healthy relationship should have.

Here’s how to deal with this:

• Give yourself small, intentional acts of kindness daily, so love isn’t something you only receive from them.
• Build emotional connections outside the relationship with people who offer affection freely and consistently.
• Remind yourself that affection is not a prize you have to win — it’s a basic human need you deserve without conditions.

10. They appear to be emotionally withdrawn

What starts as withholding affection can eventually turn into complete emotional withdrawal. In a mentally abusive relationship, this can mean long stretches of silence, refusing to engage in conversations, or acting as if you don’t exist.

They might avoid eye contact, walk away when you speak, or give one-word answers that shut down any connection. This deliberate coldness leaves you feeling invisible, rejected, and desperate for any sign that they still care, which is exactly the position they want you in to maintain control.

Here’s how to deal with this:

• Invest your emotional energy in people and activities that respond to you with warmth and interest.
• Recognize that their withdrawal is a tactic, not proof that you’re unworthy of love or attention.
• Set boundaries for how much silence or disengagement you’re willing to tolerate, and honor those limits.

11. They constantly compare you to others

A mentally abusive partner may frequently hold you up against other people — an ex, a friend, a colleague — pointing out where they think you fall short. They might say things like, “Why can’t you be more like them?” or “They’d never make that mistake.”

Over time, these comparisons chip away at your identity, making you feel inadequate and like you can never measure up. It’s another way to keep you insecure and dependent on their approval.

Here’s how to deal with this:

• Write down your unique strengths and accomplishments to remind yourself that you have value that isn’t based on anyone else.
• Limit engagement when they start comparisons — a short “I’m not interested in comparisons” can shut it down without debate.
• Surround yourself with people who appreciate you for who you are, not for how you measure against someone else.

Why recognizing these signs matters

Realizing you’re in a mentally abusive relationship can feel unsettling — even frightening. You might question your judgment or worry about what this means for your future. But noticing these patterns isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength.

When you can name what’s happening, you start to reclaim some of the power that’s been taken from you. Awareness helps you see that the problem isn’t you — it’s the way you’ve been treated.

With that clarity, you can begin setting boundaries, reaching out for support, and making choices that protect your well-being.

Recognizing these signs is the first step toward healing. Even small steps — a conversation with a trusted friend, a moment of self-care, or writing down your feelings — can build the momentum you need to move toward safety and peace.

What are some common myths about mental abuse in relationships?

Misunderstandings about mental abuse can make it harder to recognize — and even harder to leave. These myths keep people trapped in harmful situations, blaming themselves instead of seeing the truth.

• Myth 1: “It’s only abuse if it’s physical”

Physical violence is not the only form of abuse. Mental abuse can be just as damaging, slowly eroding your self-worth, confidence, and emotional stability.

• Myth 2: “If they apologize, it means they’ve changed”

A heartfelt apology is one thing; lasting change is another. In many mentally abusive relationships, apologies are used as a reset button to keep you from leaving, without any real shift in behavior.

• Myth 3: “It’s my fault because I provoked them”

You are never responsible for someone else’s choice to belittle, threaten, or control you. Abuse is about the abuser’s need for power, not your actions or personality.

• Myth 4: “If I just love them enough, they’ll stop”

Love doesn’t cure abusive behavior. Real change requires self-awareness, accountability, and often professional help — all of which have to come from them, not you.

Watch this TED Talk in which Signe M. Hegestan, an authorized psychologist, explains what makes people stay in psychologically abusive relationships:

When to seek professional help

You don’t have to wait until things “get bad enough” to reach out for support. In a mentally abusive relationship, the harm is often slow and cumulative, but it’s still real, and it’s still damaging.

If you’re feeling unsafe, constantly anxious, or unsure of your reality, it’s a sign that professional help could make a difference. Talking to a therapist, counselor, or support group can help you:

• Understand the patterns of abuse and how they’ve affected you.
• Rebuild your self-esteem and confidence in your own decisions.
• Create a safety plan for leaving or protecting yourself while you’re still in the relationship.

If you can, look for professionals who specialize in trauma, domestic abuse, or relationship counseling. And if meeting in person isn’t safe, many offer secure phone or online sessions. You deserve guidance, validation, and a space that’s yours alone, without judgment or pressure.

A life beyond control

Leaving or even just acknowledging a mentally abusive relationship can feel overwhelming. You may have spent so much time questioning yourself, adjusting to their moods, or trying to “make it work” that you’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel safe, respected, and at ease.

But none of this means you’re weak — it means you’ve been surviving in an environment that demanded constant emotional labor. Now, you have the chance to begin something different.

Healing might start small: a conversation with someone you trust, an afternoon spent doing something just for you, or a quiet reminder that you are worthy of kindness.

There is life beyond fear and doubt. There are people who will listen without judgment, love without conditions, and stand beside you without trying to control you. You deserve that life — and when you’re ready, it’s waiting for you.