16 Principles for Effective Communication in Marriage

Communication is a common theme in my counseling practice with couples. 

Good communication in marriage is the cornerstone for any happy and fulfilling relationship. However, effective communication in marriage often remains elusive. 

Couples report that they have problems communicating with their significant other about almost everything: the house, money, rearing children, baby momma drama, in-laws, and on and on.

These communication problems often escalate and can become arguments chipping away at affections, gradually depleting the love bank.

The lack of effective communication with the spouse is detrimental to a marriage.

If left unchecked, lack of effective communication in marriage and arguments have the potential to get more heated on each occasion. They can lead to physical altercations, separation, and even divorce.

Clearly, the existence of issues with the children, in-laws, or money might be the subject of the argument. However, the inability to build effective communication in marriage can prevent the ability to resolve any issues.  

If you find yourself looking for a definite solution to “how to communicate with husband without fighting?”, here is a compilation of 16 principles that will help you build and apply effective communication strategies in a marriage.

What are the principles of effective communication?

Author Gary Collins in his book “Christian Counseling” offers 16 principles for effective communication in marriage:

1. Avoid double messages

Avoid saying something and contradicting it in a non-verbal way.  We communicate with words, tone, facial expressions, gestures, and body language. So, be extra careful!

2. Deal with it now

Delays have the potential of creating layers of negative emotions.

3. Respect cross-cultural relationships

Understand that people from different cultures may attach a different meaning to certain gestures.

4. Always show respect

Always show respect for your partner’s value as a human being.

5. Accept that issues can be viewed uniquely

Don’t assume that your perspective is the only one or the valid one.

6. Focus on the current issue

Communication becomes clouded when the past is dumped into the conversation. It is wise to avoid bringing unrelated grievances, complaints, and past sins to the table.

“For better or worse” is the promise of forgiveness and a pathway to effective communication in marriage.

7. Fight fair 

Resist fault finding, exaggerations, put-downs, name-calling, blaming, insults, sarcasm, and absolutes…” You always” …” You never.”  It is advisable to avoid “You should” or “You shouldn’t” as well.  

These unfair verbal weapons only escalate an argument due to the attacking nature and usually result in the other person taking a defensive posture.

8. Be clear 

Be concise and specific with your words.

9. Be honest about your feelings

Resist saying “You made me feel.” Giving your personal power away is an excuse for bad behavior.  

“I” statements are more concise…” I felt like crap when you said…” This is a better way of expressing your feelings.

9. Be honest, but be sensitive

Be aware of your spouse’s feelings.  We know the words that hurt.

You need to realize that intentionally using hurtful words is sabotaging and damaging to any relationship.

10. Avoid making or accepting excuses too quickly 

Man-up to your actions, whether right or wrong.

11. Listen 

Carefully, respectfully, and courteously WITHOUT interruptions or criticism.

12. Ask questions for clarity

Ask questions and be willing to answer any questions to help your spouse gain a meaningful understanding.

13. Be conscious of how you are speaking

Use the kind, soft, and the polite road to getting your message across.  Shouting stimulates the need to be heard and is the negative driving energy of arguments.

Emotions fuel disagreements on both sides of an argument. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.” (Prov.15:1)

14. Use positive statements and humor 

Positive statements and humor help to keep the doors of effective communication in marriage open.

15. Be in the habit of giving the gift of life, positive and loving words

Be in the habit of giving the gift of life, positive and loving words such as compliments, encouraging words, full attention listening, finding the good, and acts of kindness. (Collins, 1980)

On a personal note

A principle that I add respectfully to Collin’s list of effective communication in marriage is getting an understanding.

Resist bringing unrealistic and unspoken expectations to your relationship.  Unless your partner is a mind reader, this is a disaster in the making.

Expecting your partner to do, say, or uphold certain roles or duties due to gender, age or tradition is an unspoken unfair demand and ruins your chances at building effective communication in marriage.  “It’s a man’s job to take out the trash” “it’s a woman’s job to make the bed or cook.”

Get an understanding of the importance of communication in marriage and work together to make your marriage work. “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore, get wisdom; and with all your getting, get understanding.” (Prov. 4:7)

What to do if you’re the only one trying these

These principles work best when both partners are applying them, but it’s common for one person to read something like this and start trying while the other doesn’t. That imbalance can feel discouraging, but it isn’t necessarily a sign to give up.

Modeling calm, fair communication tends to shift the tone of a conversation over time, even without your partner consciously adopting the same principles. Small changes in how you show up can lower the intensity of arguments even without an explicit agreement to communicate differently.

That said, if you’re doing all the work and nothing shifts over months, it’s worth naming that directly rather than continuing indefinitely on your own. Couples counseling can help make the effort more mutual. Find a Therapist if that would help.

Wrapping up

I use these principles in helping couples navigate effective communication in marriage. Principles of effective communication between couples go a long way in addressing any budding or deep-seated resentments in marriage.

However, it is a good practice to season all of these wonderful principles with the principle that drew them together in the beginning…LOVE.  

Love is an action word, show love through hugs, personal thoughtfulness, and lovemaking.  Along with love, try marriage communication exercises like Three and Three, where both partners list what three traits they like and dislike about each other.

There is power in touching and being affectionate; it is a non-verbal way of communicating that can leave your partner melting in your hands and make way for long-lasting, effective communication in marriage.

Following these principles of communication will deepen your love, empathy, and compassion for each other. 

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Jo Ann Atkins Counselor

Dr. Jo Ann Atkins, is a certified pastoral counselor with a private practice in Atlanta, GA. Her passion is couples therapy, her specialty is spiritual direction and positive psychology. Dr. Atkins has served in ministry all her life in Akron and Cleveland, OH and the Atlanta area. With experience... Read more in Chaplaincy, individual and group therapy, she has a wholistic approach to helping others find mental, physical and spiritual well-being, inner peace, and unconditional love for self and others. She is a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors, Licensed Professional Counselors Association of Georgia and the National Association of Christian Ministers. Read less

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When you and your partner talk about something important…

We listen with care — even hard talks feel safe and productive

We try to talk, but lately emotional closeness feels harder to reach

I want to be open, but part of me still guards my heart

Our discussions sometimes spiral or end unresolved

It’s hard to feel close because our physical intimacy hasn’t felt strong lately

We often see things differently about goals or priorities

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