What Is Compersion? 11 Ways to Achieve It in Your Relationship

What would you do if you saw your once-partner snuggling up to someone else and loving them? Feel the sear of the green-eyed monster rip through your gut. Or would you lean back and watch them with a smile and wish them warm feelings of happiness? 

That basically describes “what is compersion,” we are here just to understand this concept and see how you can build and achieve compersion in a romantic relationship. 

What Is a compersion relationship?

In order to help anyone understand the “compersion meaning,” it is often termed as being the “opposite of jealousy.”

Compersion is the feeling of joy or happiness that one experiences when their romantic partner engages in a relationship or activity with someone else. It is often associated with the concept of ethical non-monogamy and the idea that one’s partner’s happiness is a source of personal fulfillment.

It is possible, though, that you can feel both compersion and jealousy at the same time. It is also possible that if you practice compersion in monogamy, you can still cultivate feelings of compersion. Compersion psychology will help you realize the importance of compersion in your relationships.

Why is compersion important in relationships? 

If we have to define compersion, it is a beautiful feeling to cultivate. But still, it is really unrealistic to expect to move from negative feelings of fear, jealousy, and anxiety to suddenly feelings of joy – especially when your partner is involved with someone else.

So, what is the importance of compersion in relationships, and how do you ensure important compersion in your relationships?

According to Dionne Eleanor, a transformational coach:

Compersion is the art of finding joy in the happiness of those you love, knowing that their fulfillment enriches your own heart.

Feeling jealous in situations where you feel left out is all very normal and a natural human response. But the way you deal with and process your emotions is what counts. It’s what will have the most significant impact on your partner and your relationships. 

It is normal to struggle with feeling compersion when we were already experiencing feelings of jealousy toward our siblings when we were very young. Or when things didn’t always go our way.

Compersion is helpful in relationships because it helps you to balance feelings of jealousy and envy. Compersion is a great way to tap into your love for your partner because their happiness also benefits you.

When you practice compersion, you will learn that it becomes OK and healthy for you and your partner to find fulfillment in things other than just each other. 

The fact that you love your partner and want them to be happy is crucial when you are working through feelings of jealousy and trying to let compersion lead the way.

You could actively celebrate the successes and joys of those you care about. Resist the urge to want to compare yourself to others. Remember that comparison is the thief of joy. So, remember what we said above – practice gratitude for all the good things you have.

11 ways to build and achieve compersion in a romantic relationship

Compersion is the feeling of joy and happiness one experiences when their partner finds happiness with someone else. Here are 11 ways to build and achieve compersion and learn how to practice compersion:

1. Acknowledge your jealousy

If you want to nurture compersion, you must acknowledge that you experience jealousy. Don’t feel ashamed of being jealous and suppressing it. Instead, acknowledge it and don’t judge it as being a bad feeling.

2. Practice with non-romantic relationships

That’s a good idea. Society always believes jealousy is part of romantic behavior. But you can start with your family. 

Learn to feel compersion when a family member has terrific, joyous news. Feel excited and happy for them. When you feel warm feelings for something your friend achieved and are not jealous, that is compersion.

3. Notice the bodily sensations of compersion 

When you are experiencing compersion for someone else, you might feel the warmth rising in your chest. You might experience a relaxed feeling in your belly. 

Dionne Eleanor further explains:

We can acknowledge and utilize body sensations as leverage for relationship growth. Helping us to understand what we feel, what we want and from there, what we may be able to communicate in relationship.

You won’t feel tightness in your neck and shoulders from jealousy and stress. You will start to recognize the early signals of joy and pleasure and tap into them in the future when you are faced with jealousy.

4. Learn what compersion is and how it can co-exist with jealousy 

You might argue that compersion is known as the opposite of being jealous. But you can feel both jealousy and compersion at the same time. 

When you see your partner is involved with someone else, you should try to view them with compersion; allow feelings of warmth rather than jealousy to fill you. You might find your ex-partner so pleasantly surprised at your reaction that he might even want to get back with you!

5. Cultivate gratitude

If you focus on things others have and what you don’t have, you are likely to be unhappy. Instead, turn your thoughts on good things in your life, even if you sometimes take them for granted. 

If you can read and have a roof over your head at night, you are better off than millions of others worldwide. Cultivate gratitude for what you have every day. It will make a huge difference in realizing what is compersion.

6. Let go of all the society-informed ideas about the way relationships need to be 

We read so much about relationships from social media. What we read can be pretty toxic. Often, what we read about and watch amongst people we know is played out in real life. It’s time to no longer conform to what is expected of you in a relationship. 

Just simply enjoy your relationship that feels right and wonderful for you. Don’t allow yourself to follow someone else’s script of how you should behave. Don’t let others tell you that there is something abnormal about you if you are not following the crowd.

7. Keeping communication open

The compersion definition is just the opposite of jealousy. Tell your partner about how you are feeling. When you start to feel jealousy creeping up, welcome it. But figure out how and why it crept in. Realize that is usually an unrooted fear. 

However, relationship counseling can help you both talk these feelings through, where you can discuss your feelings in front of your partner and an expert counselor. 

It will help you to find out what his feelings are on compersion sexually and as far as jealousy goes dealing with this. Have regular check-ins with each other where you talk about your feelings. This can help you learn how to deal with compersion sexually.

8. Recognize the energy of a new relationship

A new relationship can bring with it that warm-and-fuzzy, tingly sensation. But sometimes, when you see those same feelings exhibited by your partner toward someone else, it can be rather challenging to accept. 

But remember that you will also likely be at the receiving end of those beautiful sensations again. Don’t let your jealousy sweep away the positive. 

Allow yourself to realize what your partner and his partner are feeling and what wonderful feelings they must be experiencing, as you have previously enjoyed. You might suddenly feel compersion sneaking up on you, and you hardly even know! 

9. Meet your partners’ other partners’  

In polyamorous relationships, it’s a healthy concept for you to meet the other babes of your lover. You get to see the personalities and faces behind the ‘talk’ about them. 

Now, you might be meeting up with your lover’s other partners and getting to know the faces and personalities of who they are. 

Getting to know them and ‘catching up’ with them at times might well turn out to be healthy for your relationship. And you might notice that some of those jealous feelings can become compersion!

10. Focus on self-development

Jealousy is when you are focused on and captivated by what others have, and you don’t have. But instead of using all your energy on that, focus on your positive self-growth. Redirect your energy. 

Do positive things with your life instead of stewing with jealousy over what your partner is up to. Why not go and work out all your jealousy at a gym and get lean and fit? Then watch the envious, and dare we say, the jealous eyes of the others? 

Or learn a musical instrument. Just do something that makes you proud of your achievements and which turns your once jealousy into a positive, exciting future.

11. Seek support from a community

Building and achieving compersion can be challenging, especially if you don’t have a supportive network of people who understand and practice non-monogamy or open relationships. Seek out communities or online forums where you can connect with others who are on a similar journey. 

These communities can provide support, advice, and insights that can help you navigate through any difficulties or insecurities you may encounter along the way. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and having a supportive community can make a significant difference in building and achieving compersion.

What is compersion in polyamory?

Compersion is a word that is commonly used in polyamorous communities. Polyamory compersion isn’t the only form of consensual non-monogamy. Look at all the other forms as well. Don’t believe that non-monogamous people never feel jealous.

One study from 2019 found that, indeed, consensually non-monogamous people also experience jealousy. Lots of people will then ask, “Do monogamous people feel compersion then?” 

One psychologist who did doctoral research on compersion and jealousy, Joli Hamilton, says monogamous people might not feel compersion. But she adds, “I have found many monogamous people can identify compersion once they know how to name it.”

Watch this TED Talk where Joli Hamilton, a psychologist, shares her insights on compersion–the opposite of jealousy:

FAQs

Compersion is a feeling that can sometimes be a bit complicated to understand. In this section, we will address commonly asked questions regarding compersion.

• Can monogamous people feel compersion?

Yes, monogamous individuals can feel compersion. While compersion is often associated with polyamorous relationships, it is a natural human emotion that can be experienced by anyone capable of experiencing joy for others.

• Is compersion a real thing?

Yes, compersion is a real emotional state. It involves feeling happiness and joy for your partner when they find happiness and fulfillment in a relationship with someone else. While not everyone experiences compersion, those who do describe it as a genuine and positive emotion.

• Is compersion good or bad?

Compersion is generally considered a positive emotion in the context of polyamory. It can enhance relationship dynamics, build trust, and promote a sense of security. 

However, its interpretation may vary among individuals, and some may find it challenging to experience or understand. Whether compersion is good or bad depends on individual perspectives and relationship dynamics.

• Is compersion necessary for polyamorous relationships?

Compersion is not inherently necessary for polyamorous relationships. While it can bring additional joy and fulfillment, not every individual experiences compersion, and it doesn’t define the success or authenticity of a polyamorous relationship. 

Open communication, trust, and consent are crucial factors in sustaining healthy relationships, regardless of the presence or absence of compersion.

• Can anyone experience compersion?

Anyone with empathy and a capacity for experiencing positive emotions can experience compersion. However, it is essential to note that not everyone naturally experiences compersion, just like not everyone naturally experiences jealousy. It varies from person to person, influenced by their emotional makeup and personal experiences.

Takeaway

If you have ever been happy for someone else’s happiness, you have experienced what is compersion. When it comes down to practicing compersion for a lover in a polyamorous relationship where there are other lovers, it might be a completely different ballgame. 

Just as Dionne Eleanor highlights:

Whether we are in monogamous, polyamorous or another relationship dynamic, we do not own our partners. What we do own are own hearts, our emotions and our skills. We can learn to increase our capacity to feel and our capacity to communicate challenging topics and feelings with grace.

But we have given you ways to start to practice compersion successfully. According to a 2021 study, compersion could be linked to greater satisfaction in your relationships, whether polyamorous or monogamous. That’s worth it, isn’t it?