15 Things to Do When Something Feels off in a Relationship

Just like time throws us challenges and surprises, so relationships also ride out the waves of time with their peaks and troughs. If you’re wondering “why something feels off in my relationship,” you could very well be in one of the troughs. But how can you best respond?

What exactly does something’s ‘off’ in a relationship mean?

When a relationship feels off, something in our gut signals the need for change. It’s as if you’re stuck and the words “something is missing in my relationship” reverberate around your head. 

The big question is whether the change should come from you or from without. 

In his book, “How Can I Get Through to You,” therapist Terence Real talks about 3 phases of a relationship. These are the “promise with harmony, disillusionment and repair or deep love.” These phases can take years or minutes and even cycle through during dinner. 

Terence Real continues to explain how psychoanalyst Ethel Person suggested that we perceive our partners with the same fluctuations with which we perceive ourselves. 

So, our partners go from charming and fascinating to tedious and pedantic and then back again in the same way that we admire ourselves, criticize ourselves and so on. 

All this means is that when you’re thinking, “something feels off in my relationship,” it’s a good idea to first reflect on whether this is just the normal cycle all relationships go through. Alternatively, do you need to make any dramatic changes?

Answering that question is challenging but worth remembering that relationships take effort. Moreover, as this article detailing an interview with Terence Real on “normal marital hatred” describes, we often get sucked into our individualistic needs. 

Simultaneously, we disconnect from our relationships and revert to old triggers. 

So, rather than reacting rashly to the thought, “something feels off in my relationship,” take the time to pause and consider what you might need to change within yourself first. 

Why does something feel off in a relationship?

When you think, “something doesn’t feel right in my relationship,” you could be disconnected from each other such that the intimacy has disappeared. You could also simply be feeling distant from your boyfriend so that neither of you understands the other. 

Of course, there are situations when someone is toxic and has a mental health problem beyond what you can support. 

Although generally, most cases are just two people trying to work through their own issues while making sense of what it means to be in a relationship. 

Most of us were never taught what it means to love someone without getting caught up in what we need. Moreover, we rarely had the perfect relationship role model while growing up. 

Another way to look at the thought “something feels off in my relationship” is to note that we tend to partner with our “unfinished business.” 

As this article on “Getting the Love You Need” explains, based on the book by Harville Hendrix, we often end up with people who connect us to the places within us that we need to heal. 

So, when you reflect, “something feels off in my relationship,” it could be that you’re finally being offered the choice between resistance and growth. On the one hand, you can blame external circumstances, including your partner. 

Alternatively, you can reflect on what they are mirroring in yourself that you could change first. Furthermore, think back to why you fell in love with them in the first place. 

15 things to do when something feels off in a relationship

Naturally, sometimes there are signs something is wrong in your relationship. As mentioned, no relationship is perfect and you can use these signs to learn more about yourself and your partner. 

As you review the following 15 points, perhaps think about what you can do to collaborate with your partner and grow together to move beyond disillusionment and towards a deeper love. 

1. Learn to understand your gut 

Are you thinking to yourself, “I feel like something is off in my relationship”? Even if you can’t quite name the emotion, we get these feelings for a reason. It’s essentially our body’s way of telling us that we need to change something. 

It’s always good to stop and listen. Then, reflect on how you impact the relationship. It doesn’t mean that your partner is perfect. It does mean that you’re focusing on the only thing that you can change: yourself. 

2. Check in with your fears 

When a relationship feels off, it could also mean you’re worried about something. Perhaps you’re feeling guilty about not spending enough time with your partner. Alternatively, maybe deep down, you know something is pushing them away, perhaps even to other people. 

Hope is not lost if they confide in others more than with you. You simply need to rekindle that first feeling of love by going out on special dates and communicating deeply. 

3. Ground yourself with your values 

Are you stuck with the thought, “something is missing in my relationship”? Sometimes it can also be because we’ve let life’s stresses take over. 

Either we’re lost in a soulless job or we no longer spend time with those who matter to us. In that case, please list what matters to you in life and share it with your partner. Together, you can then rebalance your time. 

The thought “something feels off in my relationship” will slowly disappear. 

4. Reconnect with your relationship 

Why does my relationship feel off? It’s a perfectly valid quest that seems complicated but the reason can be as simple as you’re taking each other for granted. 

So, plan some date nights, tell each other what you appreciate about each other and reconnect with your relationship goals to motivate you toward a brighter future. 

5. Talk about it 

Talking about it with your partner is one of the most important things to do when something feels off. 

Conflict and disillusionment in a relationship don’t matter per se; what matters is how you problem-solve together to move forwards. 

Related Reading: 50 Best Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend

6. Reflect on how you impact the relationship

It’s easy to look outside when we’re wondering “why something is missing in our relationship.” In some ways, you might be sensing that your partner wants to leave. In other ways, you know that you have mismatched goals in life. 

Either way, what are you bringing to the relationship and how can you offer something in return for a change from your partner? 

Related Reading: 4 Key Points to Know About the Impact of Mental Health on Relationships

7. Make small changes 

As mentioned, it’s good to connect with your gut while understanding the difference concerning your fears. As this HBR article on trusting your gut details, you can help yourself further when the thought “something feels off in my relationship” pops into your head. 

You can also start making small decisions to move toward where you want to be. For example, taking ten extra minutes to check in with your partner or changing your weekend routine slightly. 

The change will invigorate you, bringing you closer to your partner. 

8. Rebalance your life 

Another way to think about things is to ask yourself how to take back your power in a relationship. It’s easy to lose that power, especially at the beginning when you perhaps bend over backward to prioritize your new partner.

Instead, make sure you honor all aspects of your life in the right proportion including hobbies, friends and extended family. 

9. Embrace emotions

If you’re spiraling in the thought, “something doesn’t feel right in my relationship,” you’ve probably noticed the emotions that come with it. Perhaps you feel guilty for thinking it or even ashamed for not having the perfect relationship. 

Don’t forget that everyone sometimes considers the thought, “something feels off in my relationship.” So, try to be patient with yourself and embrace your emotions. Only then do they lose their power and move on. 

10. Review your relationship goals 

As mentioned, it’s useful to reflect on your goals with your partner when something feels off. Essentially, you need to explore that you’re getting the right balance between meeting your individual needs and those of the couple. 

11. Nurture intimacy 

One of the main signs something is wrong in your relationship is when there’s no closeness. You no longer feel comfortable sharing your inner emotions and feelings at this stage. As a consequence, communication becomes stale and tactical. 

To recover intimacy, try to go back to basics. Get curious about your partner’s feelings and share yours in small steps. 

12. Be vulnerable

Another aspect of intimacy which is also about how to take back your power in a relationship, is vulnerability. The paradox is that the more we bare our souls, the more power we have because we have nothing to hide or lose. 

So, don’t be afraid to share your innermost thoughts, including the one that says, “something feels off in my relationship.” 

13. Reflect on your boundaries 

If you’re still wondering, “why does my relationship feel off,” it could also be because your boundaries have been overstepped. It’s easily done and there’s rarely any maliciousness. Nevertheless, we all get caught up in our worlds without always meaning to. 

Instead, look at how you can state your boundaries confidently and compassionately while being curious about those of your partner. 

Related Reading: 20 Benefits of Healthy Relationships

14. Be kind to yourself 

It’s never easy when faced with the thought, “I feel like something is off in my relationship,” especially if we start blaming ourselves. There’s a fine line between self-reflection and self-doubt.

Whatever you do, remember your self-care and the important point that you’re human. We can’t expect to be perfect but we can all keep learning with self-compassion. 

Watch this School of Life video on how to be more kind to yourself:

15. Talk to a coach or therapist

If you can’t shake the thought, “something doesn’t feel right in my relationship,” and the emotions are too overwhelming, don’t hesitate to try relationship counseling. 

They’ll guide you to reconnect with your emotions and goals. Most importantly, they’ll help you accept that “something is missing in our relationship.”

Some commonly asked questions

Here are the answers to some pressing questions that can clarify your doubts about relationship health and doubts about the relationship:

• Is it normal for things to feel off in a relationship?

Don’t let the thought “something feels off in my relationship” become the end of the world, or even your relationship, with a knee-jerk reaction. Every relationship goes through these phases where we feel discouraged and disconnected. 

We find our partners for a reason. So, working through this phase together will help you both grow as individuals and as a couple. 

• What are the signs of a relationship failing?

When you’re feeling distant from your boyfriend, you might have different values and goals in life. When this happens, it’s generally a sign of a failing relationship.

Essentially, the thought “something feels off in my relationship” tells you that you need to connect deeply. And you can only do that if you believe in the same things. 

• Why do I suddenly feel nothing for my boyfriend?

So many things in life fight for our attention; sometimes, our boyfriends and partners fall to the bottom of the list. It’s no one’s fault but it can leave you feeling empty. 

Having the same core values and aligned goals is a normal part of growing and developing together as a couple. Reconnect and communicate about those feelings or lack of them. 

Then, reignite them by shaking up your routine. In time, you’ll no longer get plagued by the thought, “something feels off in my relationship.” 

In a nutshell

No one enjoys the thought, “something feels off in my relationship,” which is why many people jump to the worst conclusion and do everything they can to escape. There is another way, though. 

Whether you work together on your own or with relationship counseling, you can problem-solve as a couple to determine what you both need to move back to the feeling of deep love. 

It could be reevaluating your future goals, rebalancing your life, or returning to dating again to remember the first time. Whatever it is, talk about it without being scared to share your thoughts and feelings. 

And remember that relationships take work but are also fulfilling, supportive and enlightening. In fact, they are a vital part of our well-being.

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Anne’s passion and purpose in life are to guide people to find their own path and contentment by learning about themselves. Only then can we build and nurture the deep connections we all deserve to have. With a background in psychology and neuroscience coaching, she has helped countless couples... Read more transform their communication from aggression to assertiveness and appreciation.   She is both an ICF certified coach and mindfulness-certified, while being a counselor in training, meaning that she offers a holistic approach. You can expect to transform your view of yourself, your relationship, and the world by better understanding the habits of your mind and letting go of the unhelpful ones. You have power over your mind but you don’t have to do it alone. Read less

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We often see things differently about goals or priorities

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