Let’s make no bones about it; when somebody first meets their narcissist spouse, they may have been showered with wild and prolific gestures of love and commitment.
They may have been swept off their feet and made to think that the proverbial ‘knight in shining armor’ exists or that they had met the most incredibly perfect man or woman they could ever meet.
Their narcissistic partner (now spouse) may have managed to keep up this facade for a long time until they knew that they could let their guard down.
They probably knew when that time would come; it would be easy for them to identify because they will have achieved their goal of convincing you that you and they were the perfect matches such a match that they can gain your hand in marriage.
Of course, they may well have had ideas about meaning what they say and indulging in their perception of marriage but let’s face facts. They would have only had their interests at heart.
You were just a pawn in the game even if at their best they intended to experience the experience of ‘love’ and marriage or their perception of it.
You see narcissists don’t do anything for anybody else’s gain including compromise; they don’t consider another person’s feelings, and they don’t have empathy or compassion. Instead, it’s all about them.
So if you are considering marrying a narcissist beware!
Here is what to expect when you marry a narcissist:
It doesn’t matter what you want, what you need, or how much justice you are owed from your spouse, one thing that you can expect when you marry a narcissist is that none of that is any of their concern.
As harsh as that may sound, it’s true.
If you have a narcissist spouse, their only focus is on their needs and their agenda. So anything that you need, you’ll have to deal with alone or get it satisfied elsewhere.
We don’t condone this narcissistic behavior, it is not the basis of a healthy marriage, and you should expect justice, love, and care from your spouse. We all deserve that, but you won’t get it from a Narcissistic spouse.
A frustrating expectation that you will have to face when you marry a narcissist is the double standards.
You will need to resolve conflict, for example, you’ll need to offer your narcissist spouse a sense of justice, you’ll need to let them know how much you want and need them, you’ll need to compromise, love, and care for your spouse, and you’ll have to do it how they want it which is subject to change!
But you cannot expect the same in return.
As explained in the ‘unresolved conflict’ section this is just how it’s going to be if you marry a narcissist.
Losing your sense of self
Because of the compromises, you’ll make; the lack of affection, the walking on eggshells that you will do, the pandering that you have to do when you marry a narcissist, over time, you will lose your sense of self.
Remember that you’ll be married, committed and living with your spouse and you might have children too.
There’s only so much one person can take, and you’ll need to be prepared to be pushed to that place, all the while feeling weaker and forgetting who you are.
Never be free to put your own needs first
As all of the above topics mention if you’ve experienced the effects of marriage to a narcissist, you’ll already realize that you are in too deep.
But you’ll need to realize that you’ll never be free to put your needs first (which includes potentially having to cancel trips out, not enjoying your celebrations, or even being able to address your basic needs such as peace and silence or to do things that you want to do) as long as you remain married to your narcissistic spouse.
This will be what to expect when you marry a narcissist.
The need to be extremely thick skinned and resilient
If you are wondering what else to expect when you marry a narcissist, well, you’ll need to be thick-skinned.
Whether your armor will be worn down over time may remain to be seen, maybe you can stay thick-skinned and resilient but do you really need to do this?
Should you really consider marrying a narcissist if you know that you need to be so thick-skinned and resilient, do you really need to sacrifice so much to marry a narcissist?
The thing is you have a choice who you marry and spend the rest of your life with, sure you may be in love with your fiance but if you think that marriage to a narcissist is going to be a breeze or enjoyable think again.
As we move through life our needs change, sometimes we need to be strong for our spouse, other times our spouses need to support us, we will become vulnerable occasionally but when this occurs your spouse won’t be there for you.
The bond and intimacy that should occur in marriage will not exist, and you will face life alone and potentially feeling lonelier than you could ever imagine.
Before you take the plunge, if you suspect that your fiance is a narcissist, stop and think again. It’s not just now that you will be handing over to your spouse but your whole future.
At the very least, before you get married it’s worth considering participating in some pre-marriage counseling either alone, or with your fiance, if you can get them to attend! That’s the least you can do for yourself.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.