13 Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Relationships
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Grady Shumway, LCSW
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By
LCSW
Review Board MemberGrady Shumway is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Utah. He earned his Master of Social Work Degree from Arizona State, along with his undergraduate degree from Utah State... Read More
Owen Kessler, Author
Talented writer Owen simplifies complex topics, focusing on psychology and personal growth. He enjoys camping in scenic mountains, traveling, and embracing diverse cultures.
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Updated: 2 Jan, 2026
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Key Takeaways
Have you ever asked someone if they were upset, only to hear, “I’m fine,” while their actions told a different story? Or perhaps a coworker agreed to help on a project but kept “forgetting” deadlines?
These are classic examples of passive-aggressive behavior—where someone expresses frustration indirectly rather than openly addressing the issue. This behavior can be confusing and frustrating, often leading to strained relationships at work and home.
But what causes passive-aggressive behavior? Fear of conflict, unresolved anger, or learned habits from childhood can all contribute to it.
Understanding these underlying reasons can help you recognize the signs and respond effectively. In this article, we’ll explore why people act this way, how to identify it, and the best strategies to handle it.
What is passive-aggressive behavior?
Passive-aggressive behavior is a way of expressing negative feelings indirectly, rather than openly communicating them. It can manifest as subtle digs, sarcasm, procrastination, or withholding affection.
While sometimes stemming from an inability to express vulnerability, it can leave the other partner feeling confused, hurt, and frustrated. It’s important to recognize these patterns, both in yourself and your partner.
Open communication, focusing on expressing needs and feelings directly and respectfully, is crucial.
Understanding the root of the behavior, whether it’s fear of conflict or difficulty expressing emotions, can help both partners work towards healthier communication styles and build a more trusting and supportive relationship.
13 causes of passive-aggressive behavior in relationships
Passive-aggressive behavior is a pattern where negative emotions are expressed indirectly rather than openly. In relationships, this behavior can create emotional distance, resentment, and unresolved conflicts over time.
People who exhibit passive-aggression might use sarcasm, procrastinate, or withhold affection to communicate frustration without direct confrontation. Understanding what causes passive-aggressive behavior helps couples address these tendencies effectively.
This article explores the causes of passive-aggressive behavior in depth, offering insights into how these behaviors develop and how they impact relationships.
1. Fear of conflict
Fear of confrontation is often what causes passive-aggressive behavior in people.
According to Grady Shumway, LMHC
Learning to tolerate healthy conflict can reduce the need for indirect expression. When people feel safe addressing issues openly, relationships become clearer and more emotionally secure.
Some individuals prefer to avoid direct disagreements, believing that conflict will make matters worse. Instead, they express their anger or frustration indirectly through behaviors such as giving the silent treatment or making sarcastic remarks, which can create confusion and distance within the relationship.
Research shows that fear of conflict and being overly nice can make people more passive, even when they have a difference of opinion.
- For example: Instead of saying, “I don’t like it when you cancel plans last minute,” the person says, “Whatever, it’s not like I expected you to show up anyway.”
2. Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem is a significant cause of passive-aggressive behavior.
Individuals who doubt their worth may feel incapable of expressing their thoughts and emotions directly. They worry that voicing their needs will lead to criticism or rejection. As a result, they engage in passive-aggressive behaviors, hoping that their partner will notice their dissatisfaction without requiring direct communication.
Studies show that low-esteem can be connected to anxiety and fear of facing conflict.
- For example: Instead of asking for help with chores, the person says, “I guess I’m just not good at getting things done.”
3. Unmet emotional needs
Unaddressed emotional needs often lie at the heart of what is the cause of passive-aggressive behavior in relationships.
When people feel ignored or unappreciated, they may express their frustration through subtle actions, like withdrawing affection or showing indifference. These indirect expressions reflect a deep desire to have their emotional needs acknowledged without having to explicitly ask for it.
- For example: When feeling ignored, the person says, “It must be nice to have someone who listens to you,” instead of directly asking for attention.
4. Learned behavior from childhood
Growing up in environments where open communication was discouraged can shape how people handle emotions as adults.
Some people develop passive-aggressive habits because they witnessed similar behaviors in their family. This learned behavior becomes their default way of managing emotions, perpetuating passive-aggressive behavior causes in their adult relationships.
- For example: After a disagreement, the person gives the silent treatment because that’s how conflict was handled in their family growing up.
5. Feeling powerless or controlled
People who feel powerless or dominated by their partner may use passive-aggressiveness to reclaim a sense of control. Instead of addressing issues head-on, they procrastinate, “forget” tasks, or subtly defy expectations to assert themselves. This behavior becomes a way to express resistance without triggering direct conflict.
- For example: Instead of refusing outright, the person says, “I’ll do it later,” and intentionally delays completing the task.
6. Poor communication skills
Some individuals lack the necessary communication skills to articulate their emotions assertively. Instead of directly stating what bothers them, they engage in passive-aggressive behaviors like sarcasm or backhanded compliments. This indirect communication style leads to misunderstandings and unresolved issues, preventing meaningful conversations from taking place.
- For example: When upset about being left out, the person says, “Oh, it’s fine, you probably had more fun without me,” instead of admitting their hurt.
7. Unresolved resentment
Resentment from unresolved conflicts can simmer beneath the surface, contributing to what causes passive-aggressive behavior in relationships.
Grady Shumway highlights that:
Addressing resentment early prevents it from hardening into unhealthy patterns. Open repair conversations allow couples to release lingering anger and rebuild trust more effectively.
When couples do not address past grievances, one partner might harbor anger and express it through passive-aggressive actions, such as subtle jabs or intentional neglect of responsibilities.
- For example: After a previous fight, the person makes subtle remarks like, “At least some people remember birthdays,” instead of addressing their feelings.
8. Fear of rejection
Fear of rejection or abandonment is another significant cause of passive-aggressive behavior. Some individuals fear that expressing dissatisfaction directly will lead to relationship breakdowns.
Instead, they engage in passive-aggressive actions, hoping to avoid confrontation while still expressing their unhappiness. This behavior often leaves their partner feeling confused and hurt.
- For example: Instead of saying, “I wish we spent more time together,” the person sarcastically comments, “Well, I guess I’m your last priority.”
9. Desire for revenge or payback
Passive-aggression can serve as a form of revenge. Individuals who feel wronged or neglected may seek subtle ways to “punish” their partner, such as deliberately withholding affection or failing to follow through on promises. This passive retaliation reflects their unresolved anger and desire to make the other person feel the same frustration they experienced.
- For example: When angry, the person “forgets” to do something important, like picking up groceries, as a way to retaliate.
10. Unclear boundaries
A lack of clear boundaries can lead to emotional overwhelm, especially when one partner feels taken for granted.
Without setting limits, frustrations build up over time, causing individuals to resort to passive-aggressive behaviors to communicate their discomfort indirectly. Instead of openly discussing boundaries, they procrastinate or withdraw emotionally.
- For example: The person agrees to babysit, then cancels at the last minute saying, “I just assumed you’d find someone else,” instead of setting boundaries earlier.
RELATED READING : Setting Emotional Boundaries in Relationships
11. Stress or burnout
Stress from external factors—like work, financial pressure, or family issues—can influence relationship dynamics.
When overwhelmed, individuals may lack the energy to engage in healthy communication, expressing their frustrations passively instead. Passive-aggression in such cases is not necessarily intentional but a byproduct of emotional exhaustion.
- For example: After a long day, the person snaps, “Sure, I’ll clean the kitchen too,” with a bitter tone instead of expressing their exhaustion.
12. Suppressed anger
Suppressing anger is a common cause of passive-aggressive behavior. People who believe that anger is unacceptable or fear its consequences may bottle up their emotions. Over time, this suppressed anger surfaces in indirect ways, such as sarcasm, avoidance, or intentionally underperforming in shared responsibilities.
- For example: When annoyed, the person makes backhanded compliments like, “Wow, you *finally* cleaned up—good job.”
13. Cultural or gender expectations
Social norms and cultural expectations around emotional expression can also contribute to passive-aggressive tendencies. In societies where certain emotions—such as anger—are deemed inappropriate, individuals may resort to passive-aggressive actions as a way to communicate their feelings.
- For example: Instead of openly expressing frustration, the person says, “I’m fine,” with a cold tone, believing direct complaints are inappropriate.
These causes highlight the complexity of passive-aggressive behavior. By understanding what causes passive-aggressive behavior, couples can work together to foster healthier communication patterns, addressing frustrations before they escalate. Recognizing and addressing the passive-aggressive behavior causes at their root helps prevent emotional distance and promotes long-term relationship growth.
Difference between passive-aggressive and aggressive
Passive-aggressive and aggressive behaviors both stem from frustration or anger, but they manifest differently.
Passive-aggressive behavior is indirect, often disguised as sarcasm, procrastination, or silent resistance, making it difficult to confront. In contrast, aggressive behavior is direct, involving confrontations, yelling, or even intimidation.
Both can harm relationships, but in different ways. Recognizing these behaviors can help in managing conflicts more effectively. Below is a detailed comparison:
| Aspect | Passive-Aggressive Behavior | Aggressive Behavior |
|---|---|---|
| Expression of Anger | Indirect, expressed through sarcasm, subtle resistance, or avoidance | Direct, expressed through yelling, insults, or threats |
| Communication Style | Uses vague, non-verbal, or indirect communication to express frustration | Openly confronts and verbally attacks issues or people |
| Emotional Impact on Others | Creates confusion, frustration, and self-doubt in others | Causes fear, intimidation, or direct emotional distress |
| Intent | Avoids direct conflict but expresses resentment subtly | Seeks dominance, control, or immediate resolution |
| Conflict Resolution | Avoids addressing conflicts openly, prolongs tension | Faces conflict directly but in a hostile manner |
| Control Tactics | Uses manipulation, guilt-tripping, or intentional inefficiency | Uses coercion, threats, or overpowering tactics |
| Response to Authority | May show resistance through slow compliance or forgetfulness | Challenges authority openly, may be confrontational |
| Apology Style | Rarely apologizes directly, may give insincere apologies | May apologize grudgingly but usually defends actions |
| Reaction to Criticism | Becomes defensive, denies issues, or makes excuses | Reacts aggressively, may lash out or blame others |
| Behavior in Teamwork | May deliberately withhold effort or subtly sabotage tasks | Dominates discussions, disregards others’ opinions |
| Long-Term Effect | Creates passive hostility, unresolved resentment, and prolonged issues | Creates fear, stress, and strained relationships |
| Common Examples | Saying “I’m fine” but acting upset, missing deadlines intentionally, giving the silent treatment | Shouting, making threats, insulting someone, or physically intimidating |
13 signs of passive-aggressive behavior in relationships
Passive-aggressive behavior can be subtle, making it difficult to identify at first. However, once you recognize the patterns, it becomes easier to deal with.
People who exhibit passive-aggressive tendencies often struggle to express their feelings directly. Instead, they use indirect ways to show resistance or frustration. Understanding these behaviors can help you communicate more effectively and maintain healthier relationships.
1. Procrastination to express resistance
A passive-aggressive person may agree to complete a task but intentionally delay it as a way of expressing dissatisfaction. Instead of saying they don’t want to do something, they subtly resist by putting it off.
- Example: Your coworker agrees to help with a project but keeps “forgetting” to submit their part, causing unnecessary delays.
2. Sarcasm disguised as humor
Instead of addressing issues directly, passive-aggressive people often use sarcasm to express their frustrations.
Grady Shumway adds that:
When humor consistently leaves someone feeling hurt or confused, it’s worth paying attention. Naming the impact of sarcasm can open the door to clearer, more respectful communication.Their words may seem like jokes, but they often carry hidden resentment.
- Example: When asked if they need help with an assignment, they respond, “Oh sure, because I’m completely incapable of doing anything on my own.”
3. Giving the silent treatment
One of the most common forms of passive-aggressive behavior is withdrawing communication to punish someone. Instead of addressing the problem, they use silence as a form of control or avoidance.
- Example: After an argument, your friend refuses to respond to your calls or messages for days, making you guess what’s wrong.
RELATED READING : Silent Treatment in a Relationship: Signs & How to Respond
4. Backhanded compliments to subtly criticize
Passive-aggressive individuals may give compliments that are actually insults in disguise. They use this technique to express negativity while maintaining a friendly appearance.
- Example: “Wow, you actually look nice today! I barely recognized you.”
5. Pretending to forget important commitments
“Accidentally” forgetting to complete tasks or meet obligations can be a way of subtly showing resentment or avoiding responsibility.
- Example: Your partner agrees to pick up groceries but then “forgets” multiple times, even though they had no trouble remembering their own plans.
6. Sabotaging others in subtle ways
A passive-aggressive person might deliberately do something incorrectly to inconvenience someone else without openly refusing the request.
- Example: An employee who resents their boss might submit reports with small, intentional mistakes, knowing it will create more work.
7. Playing the victim to avoid accountability
Rather than taking responsibility for their actions, a passive-aggressive person may exaggerate their suffering to shift blame onto others.
- Example: If confronted about being late, they respond, “I guess I’m just a terrible person who can’t do anything right,” making the other person feel guilty for addressing the issue.
8. Using guilt-tripping to manipulate others
Instead of expressing their needs directly, passive-aggressive individuals often use guilt to control people around them.
- Example: “I suppose I’ll just do everything myself, as always. No one ever helps me anyway.”
RELATED READING : 13 Signs of Guilt Tripping in Relationships & How to Cope
9. Withholding praise or support
A passive-aggressive person may deliberately ignore or downplay others’ achievements out of jealousy or resentment.
- Example: Instead of congratulating their colleague on a promotion, they respond with, “Oh, must be nice to be lucky.”
10. Feigning ignorance to avoid responsibility
Acting as if they don’t understand something is a common tactic used to avoid participating or taking action.
- Example: When asked why they didn’t complete their part of a group project, they say, “Oh, I didn’t know it was that important.”
11. Subtle defiance as a form of resistance
Instead of openly refusing a request, passive-aggressive individuals may comply in a way that undermines the original intention.
- Example: A teenager who resents being asked to clean their room may do it so poorly that the parent has to redo it.
12. Sending mixed signals through words and actions
A passive-aggressive person might say one thing but behave in a way that contradicts their words, causing confusion and frustration.
- Example: When asked if they’re upset, they insist, “I’m fine,” but their cold tone and distant body language say otherwise.
13. Constantly complaining without taking action
Rather than openly expressing dissatisfaction and finding solutions, passive-aggressive individuals often resort to frequent complaining.
- Example: A coworker repeatedly complains about their workload but refuses to discuss possible adjustments with the manager.
Recognizing these behaviors can help you navigate interactions with passive-aggressive individuals more effectively. If you notice these signs in someone you know—or even in yourself—it may be a signal to work on more direct and open communication.
If you’re wondering what does passive-aggressive mean, it refers to indirect expressions of hostility, such as subtle defiance, procrastination, or sarcasm, instead of confronting issues head-on.
How to deal with passive-aggressive people: 9 tips
Dealing with passive-aggressive individuals can be frustrating, as their indirect ways of expressing anger or dissatisfaction often create confusion. Whether it’s through sarcasm, procrastination, or avoidance, passive-aggressive behavior can strain relationships.
By understanding how to handle such behavior, you can foster healthier communication, reduce tension, and minimize the emotional toll that comes with dealing with passive-aggressive actions.
1. Address the behavior directly
Instead of ignoring passive-aggressive behavior, call it out calmly and objectively.
For example, if someone constantly makes sarcastic remarks, you can say, “I noticed you often joke about me being late. If it bothers you, I’d prefer it if you just told me directly.” This approach helps bring the issue into the open and encourages honest communication.
2. Encourage open communication
Passive-aggressive individuals often struggle with expressing their emotions directly. Create an environment where they feel safe to voice their concerns. Ask open-ended questions like, “Is something bothering you? I’d rather talk about it openly.” This can help them shift from indirect resistance to direct conversation.
3. Set clear boundaries
Passive-aggressive behavior can be emotionally draining, so it’s important to establish limits. If someone repeatedly uses procrastination or subtle sabotage, be firm about your expectations.
For example, if a coworker avoids completing their part of a project, set deadlines and hold them accountable, saying, “I need this report by Friday—let me know if you have any issues so we can address them now.”
RELATED READING : 11 Signs of Boundary Pushers in Relationships & How to Deal
4. Avoid engaging in their games
Passive-aggressive people often try to provoke a reaction. Whether it’s the silent treatment, guilt-tripping, or sarcasm, resist the urge to retaliate.
Stay calm and avoid mirroring their behavior. Instead, respond neutrally, such as, “I’d love to understand what’s bothering you. Let’s talk about it.” This approach keeps you in control and prevents unnecessary drama.
5. Encourage assertiveness
Some passive-aggressive individuals struggle with direct confrontation. Encourage them to express their needs openly rather than through subtle jabs.
If a friend is upset but won’t admit it, you can say, “I’d rather hear what you really think than have to guess.” Teaching and modeling assertive communication can help them feel more comfortable being direct.
6. Stay objective and focus on facts
Passive-aggressive people may use exaggeration, victimization, or manipulation to make you feel guilty. Instead of getting emotional, stick to facts.
If someone complains about always being the one to do things, you can respond with, “Actually, I handled the last two tasks. Let’s divide this one fairly.” Keeping the conversation fact-based reduces the chances of unnecessary conflict.
7. Provide clear expectations
Since passive-aggressive individuals may intentionally delay tasks or act helpless, set specific expectations.
Instead of vague requests like, “Can you handle this soon?” say, “I need this done by Monday at noon. If you have any concerns, let me know now.” This makes it harder for them to claim confusion or play the victim.
8. Don’t take it personally
Passive-aggressive behavior often stems from personal insecurities, stress, or past experiences. While their actions may seem like a personal attack, remember that it’s more about them than you.
Remain emotionally detached and remind yourself that their behavior is their coping mechanism, not necessarily a reflection of your actions.
9. Seek mediation if necessary
If passive-aggressive behavior is causing serious issues, especially in the workplace or family, consider involving a neutral third party. A supervisor, counselor, or mediator can help facilitate open communication and prevent ongoing tension. Mediation can provide structured discussions where both parties can express concerns and find common ground.
By applying these strategies, you can handle passive-aggressive individuals more effectively while maintaining your emotional well-being. Encouraging open dialogue, setting boundaries, and staying calm are key to minimizing the impact of their behavior on your relationships.
How to stop being passive-aggressive in a relationship
Changing passive-aggressive behavior starts with self-awareness. Acknowledge your patterns and practice direct communication by expressing thoughts and emotions openly. You can also learn healthy conflict-resolution techniques to address issues calmly.
Building emotional safety within the relationship is crucial—both partners should feel free to express themselves without fear of criticism.
To further explore practical strategies for change, read here.
Difference between passive-aggressive statements vs. constructive statements
In relationships, communication is key to maintaining understanding and connection. However, passive-aggressive statements often disrupt this flow, leading to misunderstandings and resentment. These indirect expressions of anger or frustration can create confusion and distance between partners.
By contrasting passive-aggressive remarks with constructive statements, we can better understand their impact on relationships. This comparison in the table below highlights the importance of direct communication in fostering healthy interactions and emotional intimacy.
| Passive-Aggressive Statement | Constructive Statement | Impact Difference |
|---|---|---|
| “I guess I’ll just do everything myself, as usual.” | “I feel overwhelmed managing everything. Can we share the responsibilities?” | The passive-aggressive statement creates guilt and resentment, potentially leading to conflict. In contrast, the constructive statement invites collaboration, fostering teamwork and mutual support. |
| “It’s fine. Do whatever you want.” | “I feel hurt when my opinion isn’t considered. Can we talk about a solution?” | The passive statement dismisses the speaker’s feelings, leading to confusion and potential escalation. The constructive response clarifies the concern and promotes problem-solving, enhancing communication. |
| “Wow, thanks for remembering my birthday… three days late.” | “It hurt when my birthday was forgotten. I’d love it if we could celebrate today.” | The sarcastic remark builds resentment and may provoke defensiveness. The constructive statement encourages empathy and suggests a way to make amends, fostering emotional closeness. |
| “Sure, leave me with the dishes. No problem.” | “I’d appreciate help with the dishes so we can finish faster.” | The passive-aggressive tone creates guilt and tension, potentially leading to further conflict. The constructive statement clearly asks for assistance, promoting cooperation and teamwork |
| “I didn’t realize you had such high standards.” | “I feel criticized. Can we discuss how to meet in the middle?” | Sarcasm can lead to defensiveness and misunderstanding, straining the relationship. The constructive response invites open dialogue and compromise, encouraging a healthier dynamic. |
| “Must be nice to have so much free time.” | “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. Can we discuss how to balance our tasks?” | The passive-aggressive comment can evoke feelings of jealousy and resentment. The constructive statement opens the door to a discussion on shared responsibilities, creating a sense of partnership. |
| “I’ll get to it when I get to it.” | “I’m busy right now, but I’ll take care of it soon. Let’s set a time.” | The dismissive tone can create frustration and impatience. The constructive approach communicates accountability, setting clear expectations and showing respect for the other person’s needs. |
| “Of course, you always know best.” | “I feel unheard when my input is dismissed. Can we discuss it?” | The sarcastic remark may provoke defensiveness, escalating tension. The constructive statement encourages open dialogue, validating feelings and fostering a collaborative environment. |
| “I guess you’re too busy for us these days.” | “I miss spending time with you. Can we plan something soon?” | The passive-aggressive statement creates guilt and may cause emotional distance. The constructive statement strengthens the emotional connection by expressing feelings and suggesting quality time together. |
| “Whatever, I’m used to you not listening anyway.” | “I feel frustrated when I’m not heard. Can we focus on listening to each other?” | The passive-aggressive comment fosters bitterness and defensiveness, which can damage trust. The constructive approach emphasizes the importance of mutual respect and understanding, paving the way for healthier communication. |
To learn more about how to communicate effectively, watch this video:
Final thoughts
If you recognize passive-aggressive behavior in your relationships, it’s time to address it. Whether you’re dealing with a passive-aggressive friend, colleague, or partner, setting clear boundaries and promoting open communication can help break the cycle.
Understanding the definition of passive-aggressive behavior—expressing frustration indirectly instead of openly—can make it easier to spot and manage.
Ignoring it can lead to resentment, confusion, and emotional strain. Instead, approach the situation with patience and assertiveness, encouraging direct dialogue.
By fostering honest communication and refusing to engage in passive-aggressive games, you create healthier, more transparent relationships. Take the first step today—address the behavior calmly, set expectations, and promote a culture of open and respectful interactions.
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Owen Kessler
Author
Owen Kessler is a talented writer with a knack for making complex topics easy to understand. He has a particular interest in psychology and personal growth, and his writing is known for its insightful commentary on these subjects.... Read more When he’s not writing, Owen enjoys spending time camping in the beautiful mountains and forests that surround his home. He also loves to travel and has a deep appreciation for the diversity of cultures he encounters on his journeys. Read less
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