10 Common Reasons Your Asperger’s-Neurotypical Relationship Is Failing

Asperger’s syndrome is a condition that falls on the autism spectrum. Individuals who have autism or Asperger’s often have difficulty communicating and interacting with others. They may not understand social cues the same way that neurotypical individuals do, and they can become very fixated on their interests and routines.

This means that relationships with an individual with Asperger’s can be difficult. If you are not knowledgeable about the difficulties that come along with this condition, Asperger’s relationship break up may be the result. Here, learn about being in a relationship with someone with Asperger’s and what difficulties you might encounter that can lead to a break-up. 

Do individuals with Asperger’s struggle with relationships?

Relationships with Asperger’s can be difficult, given the characteristics that come with being on the autism spectrum. Consider, for example, the features of autism spectrum disorders:

• Difficulty understanding other people’s feelings and talking about their own feelings
• Struggling to adapt to changes in their routine
• Having trouble relating to other people
• Lacking an interest in other people 
• Tending to avoid eye contact 
• Preferring to be alone
• Misunderstanding non-verbal communication.

All of the factors above can make it difficult to have successful relationships. Research with individuals with autism spectrum disorders like Asperger’s has shown that those with autism have the same desire to have relationships when compared to neurotypical individuals. Still, they have greater anxiety surrounding romantic relationships, and their relationships tend to be shorter-lasting.

Asperger’s and relationship problems can be common because a partner who falls on the autism spectrum may have difficulty understanding their partner’s needs and emotions, even if they do desire a relationship. 

Is it hard to date someone with Asperger’s?

So, are Asperger’s relationships impossible? Whether a relationship between someone with Asperger’s and someone neurotypical is possible or not depends upon the couple. If there is an understanding of autism, and the two partners communicate openly about their needs, the relationship can succeed.

On the other hand, it can be hard to date someone with Asperger’s, especially if you do not have patience and compassion for their experiences. Living with an Asperger’s partner means that you will have to learn to accept the features of autism. 

Your partner may have difficulty relating to you, and at times, they may seem fixated on their interests. They do not intend to be rude or dismissive; they simply view the world differently than you do?

How do individuals with Asperger’s show their love? 

It turns out that people who live with Asperger’s tend to want relationships, just like everyone else. This means that they can fall in love, but given their difficulty processing emotions and reading social cues, they may show their love a little differently than a neurotypical person does. 

In-depth research with individuals on the autism spectrum has shown that they express love and intimacy in some of the following ways:

• Discussing ideas with their partner 
• Talking about common interests
• Engaging in deep conversation
• Working hard to understand their partner’s perspective 
• Focusing on the importance of trust.

How does Asperger’s affect romantic relationships?

The communication and social skills difficulties that come with Asperger’s can negatively affect an Asperger’s couple. Many Asperger’s relationship arguments can center around communication difficulties. 

One partner may feel that their opinions or desires are not respected; often, the neurotypical partner feels that communication is lacking, but the partner with Asperger’s may not even be aware of the problem.

Another problem that can lead to arguments and Asperger relationship break up is the tendency for the partner with Asperger’s to have difficulty understanding their partner’s emotions and preferences. 

The neurotypical partner may feel as if they are not heard or if their partner with Asperger’s does not care about their needs. Often, this is just a result of a misunderstanding. 

The person with Asperger’s ending relationships prematurely can also become a problem. Because of their difficulty relating to other people and their tendency to have anxiety about relationships, a partner with Asperger’s may have difficulty developing a trusting relationship. 

Instead of taking the risk and settling down in a committed relationship, a person with Asperger’s may quickly break off relationships, which can understandably lead to problems. 

Even if they don’t break off a relationship, Asperger’s withdrawal can cause a person with this condition to pull away from their partner. Their difficulty with emotions and social interaction can cause them to seem withdrawn and closed off at times, posing a challenge within relationships. 

Related Reading: Tips to Avoid Ugly Arguments in a Relationship

10 common reasons your Asperger’s-Neurotypical relationship is failing 

Hopefully, you understand now that Asperger’s can come along with some difficulties that lead to impacts and deficits in NT ASD relationships. If you find yourself thinking, “My relationship is failing!” or, “Autism ruined my marriage!” there are some common reasons behind problems in relationships with Asperger’s. 

Below are ten reasons your Asperger’s-Neurotypical (ASD-NT) relationship is failing and headed toward a breakup:

1. Communication breakdown 

If you’re thinking about breaking up with someone with Asperger’s, consider whether you might be able to fix the relationship with better communication between the two of you. Individuals with Asperger’s may have difficulty understanding communication if it is not extremely direct. 

Maybe you feel that you’ve been expressing your needs clearly, but they just aren’t getting it because you’re not being direct enough. In Asperger’s dating, you have to be extremely clear when expressing your needs with your partner. The relationship will fail if you think that “dropping hints” or describing your needs in vague terms is enough to get your point across. 

2. Not respecting boundaries 

Individuals with Asperger’s may have some anxiety surrounding intimacy, and physical closeness can sometimes make them uncomfortable. If you’re headed toward an Asperger relationship breakup, it may be because you have not respected your partner’s boundaries. 

You may think it’s natural to come home and hug your partner, but someone with Asperger’s may view this as a boundary violation. 

Related Reading: 6 Types of Boundaries in Relationships & How to Maintain Them

3. Difficulty related to routine 

Some people value spontaneity in their relationships. Still, for someone with Asperger’s, spontaneous decisions to take a weekend trip or even go out to dinner instead of cooking can cause serious disruption to the usual routine. 

This can be uncomfortable and anxiety-provoking and lead to serious Asperger’s relationship arguments. 

4. You misunderstand each other 

It’s important to keep in mind that a person with Asperger’s sees the world differently from a neurotypical individual. What you view as rude or emotionally cold may simply be a manifestation of being on the autism spectrum. 

Over time, repeated misunderstandings can lead you toward Asperger relationship break-up. 

Related Reading: 10 Common Causes of Misunderstanding and How to Solve Them

5. Making assumptions 

You’ve probably heard common stereotypes, such as the belief that people on the autism spectrum do not have any empathy or cannot have successful relationships, but this just isn’t true.

If you fall victim to stereotypes, you will begin to see your partner negatively, which isn’t good for any relationship. 

6. Not giving them space for their interests 

It is common for people with Asperger’s to have one or two very obsessive interests. Watch this video to know more.

This could be anything from a hobby to a topic of conversation that they are very passionate about and spend a great deal of time learning about. Obtaining information about a specific topic of interest can be comforting for the autistic brain, so these special interests serve a purpose for your partner. 

Showing annoyance over their special interests or denying them the opportunity to learn more about their area of interest can quickly lead to Asperger’s relationship breakup. 

7. Both parties aren’t willing to work on the relationship 

A successful relationship between someone with Asperger’s and someone who is neurotypical requires effort from both parties. If only one person is willing to work on the relationship, or if one person is blamed for all problems, it will eventually fail. 

Related Reading: Living with a Spouse Who Has Asperger’s Syndrome: the Cloud of Secrecy

8. Inability to appreciate your differences 

No two people in any relationship are exactly alike, but the differences between partners in an ASD-NT relationship can be profound. The relationship is likely to break down if you and your partner view each other’s differences negatively. If one of you criticizes the other for being different, instead of accepting what makes each of you unique. 

9. Constantly threatening to leave

All relationships have problems, but threatening to leave anytime there is a disagreement or difficulty isn’t likely to solve the problems. You may think that you are giving your partner an impetus to change if you threaten to walk out on them, but in reality, this just threatens your partner’s sense of security and erodes trust. 

10. Blaming everything on Autism 

Asperger’s can lead to some relationship problems, but it isn’t fair to blame all relationship issues on your partner. Living with an Asperger’s partner means you must accept what they bring to the table, including the characteristics of autism, like communication difficulties and struggles with social interaction. 

If you aren’t willing to understand the disorder and make them comfortable, you, too, play a role in relationship problems. 

How to cope when your spouse has Asperger’s Syndrome

If you’re experiencing difficulties and feel that you’re headed toward an Asperger relationship breakup, there are ways to cope and save the relationship. Most importantly, you must establish open communication between you and your partner. You cannot assume that your partner understands your viewpoint or picks up on subtle hints that you drop. 

Both of you must commit to maintaining direct, strong communication. This may mean that the two of you have to sit down regularly, such as once a week, and talk about relationship issues and clear up any misunderstandings. 

Remember, when you communicate with your partner, you must be direct. You cannot state, “We need to spend more time together,” as this leaves room for misinterpretation. Instead, say, “We need to plan to go out on a date night every weekend.” 

In addition, you need to become comfortable with understanding each other. This means clearly expressing your feelings to your partner and taking time to listen to how they feel. You can never assume that you know how your partner with Asperger’s feels. 

Nor can you assume that they know how you feel. Given the difficulties of being on the autism spectrum, you will need to communicate your feelings to your partner clearly. They may not pick up on nonverbal signs of sadness or anger, so you have to speak up. 

Finally, you must make an effort to learn about autism and accept the characteristics that come along with it. Learn about what makes your partner tick, what their needs are, and what their preferences are in the relationship. 

Certainly, your partner will have to meet you halfway and make some compromises in the relationship, but you’ll also have to accept who your partner is as a person and the fact that Asperger’s means they see the world differently than you do. 

Ultimately, getting to know your partner, respecting their differences, and maintaining open communication can go a long way toward coping with Asperger’s and relationship problems. 

Conclusion 

Asperger’s dating can be challenging, but it is not impossible. If you’re committed to your partner and willing to learn about their experience and viewpoint, you can develop a mutual understanding and a relationship built upon a foundation of respect, trust, and love. 

Being in a relationship with someone with Asperger’s may come with challenges, but it can also be incredibly rewarding. When you connect with someone on the autism spectrum, they will be willing to share their interests with you and engage in deep, meaningful conversation. You’ll also have the opportunity to expand your worldview by developing an intimate relationship with someone who sees life differently than you do. 

If you’re headed toward an Asperger’s relationship break up but want to save the relationship, it may be time to seek out counseling. A trained therapist can help you improve your communication skills and develop a greater understanding of each other. 

As the neurotypical partner, you may also benefit from taking a course to help you understand autism to have a deeper understanding of your partner’s needs.

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Jennifer Jacobsen Schulz Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Jenni Jacobsen is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she is in the process of completing her dissertation for a Doctorate of Philosophy in Psychology. She has worked in the social work field for 8 years and is currently a professor at Mount... Read more Vernon Nazarene University. She writes website content about mental health, addiction, and fitness.   Licensed as both a social worker through Ohio Board of Counselors, Social Workers, and Marriage/Family Therapists and school social worker through Ohio Department of Education as well as a personal trainer through American Council on Exercise. Read less

(Jennifer Jacobsen is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in Ashland)