15 Things to Know About Dating a Victim of Narcissistic Abuse

Our past experiences, including past relationships, can have a lasting impact on us. In some cases, bad experiences from a past relationship can creep into our future relationships. Dating a victim of narcissistic abuse is one such scenario.

If someone has been the victim of abuse or violence in a previous relationship, it will likely have a significant effect on them. 

If you’re dating someone who was abused by a narcissist, it’s important to understand what they’ve endured, as well as how it will continue to affect them into the future. 

What does narcissistic abuse do to a woman?

Dating after narcissistic abuse can be challenging because the effects of an abusive relationship can lead to ongoing distress. When learning about narcissistic abuse, it’s helpful to understand that both men and women can be victims of narcissistic abuse. Here, we talk about how it can affect women.

Research on the topic of narcissistic abuse has found that victims experience significant negative consequences after such a relationship. Some consequences of being abused by a narcissist include:

• A loss of identity
• Confusion
• Social isolation
• Painful emotions
• Lasting symptoms of trauma 
• Feelings of grief 

When a person has been in a relationship with a narcissist, they are often exposed to manipulative behaviors, and their partner exerts dominance, power, and control over them. Narcissistic abuse victims may be subjected to physical assaults, stalking, and other harmful behaviors. 

Being subjected to abusive behaviors from a person with narcissistic personality disorder can take a toll on a person’s psychological health. They may develop symptoms of a mental health condition or struggle with ongoing fear and distress. 

Learn more about the effects of narcissistic abuse in this video:

Can you have a healthy relationship after narcissistic abuse?

Recovering from a relationship with a narcissist can be challenging, and a person may show lasting side effects, such as distrust of other people, a need for constant reassurance, and symptoms of trauma. While these behaviors can make future relationships difficult, healing is possible.

With a patient, understanding partner, a person can have a healthy relationship after narcissistic abuse. Healing will take time, and the person may need to undergo therapy to help cope. It’s also beneficial for their new significant other to learn about the side effects of narcissistic abuse, so they can empathize and be supportive. 

How does narcissistic abuse affect future relationships? 

Dating a survivor of narcissistic abuse means that you need to understand how the victim’s experiences will affect them in the future. Because of the abuse they have endured, victims of narcissistic abuse are likely to be wary of new relationships.

A survivor’s future relationships may be affected in the following ways:

1. Trust issues

Dating after a narcissist can be challenging because it can be hard for the person to trust anyone new. They’re likely fearful of falling victim to abuse again, so they will not trust that their new partner is genuine. 

Related Reading: 10 Things You Need to Know About Men With Trust Issues

2. Putting up walls

Narcissistic abuse victims are likely to put up walls in their new relationships to keep themselves safe. They know what can happen when they fall for someone too quickly, so they may completely distance themselves from new relationships. This makes it difficult to connect emotionally. 

3. Isolation

A victim of narcissistic abuse may avoid new relationships altogether, completely isolating herself from other people. If she avoids dating, she won’t risk connecting with another narcissist. 

4. Poor boundaries 

The conditioning that narcissistic person engages in with their victims can make it difficult for them to set boundaries in new relationships. When in a relationship with a narcissist, victims learn to walk on eggshells and sacrifice their own needs for the narcissist. 

This behavior can continue into the next relationship because the victim feels she needs to be a people pleaser to avoid conflict.

Related Reading: 15 Ways of Setting Boundaries in a New Relationship

5. Trauma symptoms 

Dating someone who has been abused by a narcissist means you need to be aware of their triggers because they are likely to show symptoms of trauma. This means they may have a difficult time experiencing positive emotions, and they could also have flashbacks of past abuse. 

Because they will be hypervigilant for any signs of danger, they may seem harmless behavior, such as you reaching out to pat them on the shoulder, as being threatening. 

15 things to know about dating someone who was abused by a narcissist 

Loving a victim of narcissistic abuse means you need to understand what to expect from them and how to treat them in the relationship. Below are 15 pointers:

1. They’ll need to prove themselves 

Someone who has been with a narcissist has learned that they have to earn love. This means that when you start dating them, they will constantly try to prove their worth to you.

They may brag about their accomplishments or go out of their way to do nice things or appear to be a perfect partner. They aren’t trying to put up a front; they have simply been conditioned to believe they need to be perfect to be worthy of a relationship.

2. They probably won’t feel safe

Even though they’re separated from the narcissist, someone who has a history of being in this type of relationship probably won’t feel safe for a while. They are used to the rollercoaster ride that is a relationship with a narcissist, and they probably feel like they’re still on it.

This means you’ll need to provide a safe and stable environment for your partner. You may need to reassure them that things are different now, and that they’re safe. 

3. Their self-esteem will be low

Narcissists are notorious for eating away at their partners’ self-esteem. They will put them down with insults and lead the significant other to believe that no one else would ever want them. 

When you’re dating someone who has been emotionally abused in this way, your self-esteem will be low. They may see themselves as being beneath you, or they may not believe that you actually like them. 

4. Saying ‘no’ will be a challenge for them 

In the course of the relationship with a narcissist, a victim will become a people pleaser, because the narcissist expects their partner to give into all of their demands. In fact, saying no to the narcissist can be dangerous.

In their new relationship, the victim will have a hard time saying no. They might be afraid to decline a request or to express an opinion that is different from yours. 

5. They might want to get revenge

When dating someone who was abused by a narcissist, remember there might be underlying resentment present in their mind.

Don’t be surprised if your partner, who has been a victim of narcissistic abuse becomes obsessed with getting revenge against the narcissist. They may browse forums or online support groups, looking for advice on ways they can get back at the narcissist.

It can be hard for you to watch this because you might believe they are still in love with their ex. In reality, they are so angry and hurt about the abuse they’ve endured that they’re looking for a way to get closure. 

6. They’ll accept the blame for everything

If you have a disagreement with someone who has been with a narcissist, they will be quick to take the blame. They may also apologize profusely because this is what they were used to doing in their last relationship.

When something goes wrong, they’ll step in and apologize, even if they had nothing to do with it. 

7. Trust will be difficult

Dating someone who was abused means that trust will be difficult. In the beginning stages of a narcissistic relationship, the narcissist will shower the victim with attention and compliments so that the victim falls hard and fast.

Once the victim is in love, the narcissist will completely change their behavior and reveal their true colors. In their new relationship, the victim will worry that this same bait and switch will happen again, so you’ll need to be patient with your significant other as they learn to trust you. 

Related Reading: 15 Reasons for Lack of Trust in a Relationship

8. They may have mental health conditions

Someone who has been in an abusive relationship may have developed mental health conditions, like anxiety or depression, in response to the abuse they have experienced. 

Your new significant other may even be in therapy to help them cope, and they will need your support throughout the healing process. 

9. Healing will be a process 

When dating someone who was abused by a narcissist, know that it can take time to feel natural.

It can take time to heal from the effects of being in a relationship with a narcissist, so you cannot expect your partner to feel 100% better overnight.

Healing can also occur in waves. They may start to feel better for a while, only to regress when faced with a trigger or some other reminder of their previous relationship.

10. The narcissist may interfere

Even though the relationship is over, the narcissist may still interfere with your new significant other. They may spread rumors about the victim, causing additional distress in their life.

Or, the narcissist may even try to insert themselves into your relationship. This could involve begging for the victim back or contacting you to make threats. Whatever the case, it’s important to be prepared.

11. They might not want to talk about it

When you’re dating a survivor of narcissistic abuse, you may have to come to terms with the fact that they won’t always want to talk about the abuse. They may simply tell you that they had a bad relationship in the past, and they’re still dealing with the effects. 

If they don’t want to open up about all the details, they may give you bits and pieces over time. Your role is to be willing to listen when they’re ready to talk. 

12. They’ll need plenty of reassurance 

Dating someone who was abused by a narcissist? Remember to provide reassurance and a lot of it.

Figuring out how to date a victim of narcissistic abuse can be challenging because they will probably need extra reassurance. They may question your actions and ask you to reassure them that you’re being genuine.

Try not to take this personally. It’s not that they don’t trust you specifically; they’ve just been jaded by what has happened to them in the past. 

13. Sometimes they might seem emotionally numb 

The pain associated with narcissistic abuse can be too much to endure, so some survivors may become detached as a way to protect themselves. It may seem as if your significant other is disconnecting from the world around them at times. 

For some survivors, emotional numbing may simply involve repressing emotions so they do not become too overwhelming. Other survivors may engage in numbing activities, such as abusing substances and engaging in disordered eating, in order to numb their emotions. 

Related Reading: Emotional Regulation Tips for High Conflict Couples

14. They may need to be encouraged to meet their own basic needs

A victim of narcissistic abuse will learn to put aside their own basic needs in order to please the abuser. This is because they spend so much time trying to satisfy the narcissist that they do not have time to care for themselves.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who used to date a narcissist, you’ll probably have to encourage them to take time for themselves, eat a healthy diet, and get plenty of sleep, because they’re so accustomed to sacrificing these things. 

15. They might experience physical symptoms 

Narcissistic abuse victims don’t just experience emotional and psychological problems; they may also have physical symptoms in response to the abuse they’ve endured. Chronic stress from the abuse can elevate cortisol levels and lead to physical ailments. 

Your significant other may experience an upset stomach, pain in the limbs, headaches, and frequent illness in response to the trauma they’ve suffered. If they talk about physical symptoms, they are not making them up. 

Related Reading: What is a Narcissistic Abuse Cycle & How Does It Work

What are typical behaviors of narcissistic abuse survivors?

Survivors of narcissistic abuse are likely to show some or many of the following behaviors:

• Fear of saying no or expressing their opinion or preferences 
• People-pleasing tendencies
• Difficulty standing up for themselves
• Distrust of other people
• Feeling unsure of themselves
• Demonstrating fear or being on the constant lookout for potential threats
• Emotionally withdrawing from others
• Symptoms of mental health disorders
• Numbing behaviors like substance misuse
• Suicidal thoughts, threats, or attempts 

Patience and love will make it happen 

Dating after a narcissist comes with challenges. When you date someone who has been subjected to abuse by a narcissistic person, they are likely to show lasting symptoms, which can make future relationships challenging.

Learning about what they’ve been through, and be prepared to offer support, is essential if you want to have a successful relationship. You might also consider relationship counseling to help you build a healthy partnership and learn to cope, together, with what your partner experienced in their previous relationship.