Everything is going well and suddenly the fire is not there anymore. There used to be a time, when you two would just look at each other and could barely stand the electricity that would run through your veins. You were in agreement about everything. Whenever you were around others, your chemistry would light up the room. You thought of each other all day. But cut to the present, you keep checking your phone and it is not ringing as often. What happened?
Below are five things that cause loss of emotional intimacy in men.
1. No physical attraction
Our bodies change as our lifestyle changes. If your lifestyle has become sedentary, then you may have gained a few pounds. Some spouses don’t see that as a big deal where others think it is a deal breaker. Talk about it with your spouse without getting defensive. A wife asked her husband, “When we first met, what did you find most attractive about me, my figure or my intelligence?” The husband replied, “I saw you walking across the beach. You were hot. After I got to know you, then I fell in love with your brain. I didn’t see your brain at the beach.” I think it is safe to say, there needs to be some level of physical attraction to keep emotional intimacy. It is a fundamental emotion of the human species.
2. Not being spontaneous
In a relationship, acceptance plays a big role. Flexibility leaves room for both of you to make mistakes and turn them into spontaneous, supportive, encouraging, and fun. For example, if your partner comes up short on decorating a room, instead of complaining about how ugly it looks. Pitch in and spray paint, mess it up more, with crazy colors and then spray each other. This spontaneous humor lets your partner know, it’s no big deal. There may be a mess to clean up afterwards but two can do it faster than one. Play together. Being spontaneous can spice things up. There needs to be room in the relationship for your spouse to make mistakes. There needs to be flexibility for both parties to make mistakes. When there is no flexibility or spontaneous activities in the marriage, there is a loss of emotional intimacy in the marriage.
3. Chronic stress
The human body releases the hormone cortisol in response to stress. Chronic stress causes depression and eventually mental illness. Stress makes people tired and disagreeable. If you are depressed then you can’t feel emotional intimacy. The good news is that stress is manageable. Identify the trigger that causes stress in your lives and deal with it directly. If it is a series of events, learn meditation, exercise more, listen to good music, or read. Do what makes you relax. Chronic stress can cause a loss of sexual intimacy. Be sure to relax is not to overindulge in mind altering substances like alcohol. They could lead to health problems and not to emotional intimacy.
4. Health problems
Everyone has days of not feeling well now and then but when there are severe health problems such as diabetes, lupus, cancer, heart or high blood pressure problems. The strain can take a toll on your marriage. There may be surgeries, keeping up with routine doctor appointments, taking medications as described and monitoring your health can take a toll on anyone. It’s hard watching your spouse suffer under these conditions. The good news is that many people deal successfully with their mate’s illnesses and have a very happy marriage. It is advisable under these conditions professional help is taken because health problems, if gone unchecked, can cause a loss of emotional intimacy.
Too many arguments and disagreements go against the fabric of the institution of marriage. Learn to “let it go”. There are going to be times when couples cannot agree on an issue. Just agree to disagree and move on to the next thing. There will always be a next thing because you are married and are sharing your lives together. Sometimes in the heat of an argument, words can be spoken that can never be taken back. These are the type of arguments that cause a loss of emotional intimacy.
It seems safe to say that a lack of emotional intimacy for men in a marriage can be caused by a lack of physical attraction, lack of spontaneous fun, chronic stress, health problems, and too many disagreements and disappointments. All of these items can be repaired to restore the relationship back to being emotionally satisfying. There are many licensed professionals to assist with these type of problems.