What Is DARVO Relationship and how Can It Be Resisted?

Awareness of narcissistic relationships and narcissistic abuse seems to be growing, and people are calling attention to this problem on social media and in the news. 

One related topic that has recently come to light is the DARVO relationship, which is closely related to narcissism. 

Suppose you’ve ever felt manipulated or mistreated in a relationship or blamed for everything that went wrong. In that case, you will likely find the concept of DARVO in relationships especially intriguing.

 Learn about this type of relationship and what you can do to protect yourself below. 

What is a DARVO relationship?

You may not be familiar with the concept of DARVO in relationships, but chances are you’ve heard of some DARVO tactics when reading about abusive relationships. DARVO is an acronym for deny, attack, reverse victim, and offender. 

The DARVO method is employed when an emotional or physical abuse victim confronts the offender. 

Instead of accepting responsibility or apologizing, the perpetrator denies the abuse, attacks the victim’s character, and then makes themselves the victim.

This strategy may also be referred to as DARVO gaslighting because the victim begins to believe that they are crazy or that their version of reality is flawed. After all, the offender constantly denies the abuse and acts as if they are being abused. 

Gaslighting occurs when an abuser tries to make the victim doubt their version of reality or question their sanity. Over time, the victim wonders if they imagine the abuse. Repeated denial in the DARVO relationship would make the victim question if the abuse happened. 

Why DARVO happens

DARVO in relationships occurs because it provides the offender with a way to escape culpability for violence or other forms of abuse. 

Research has shown that men convicted of domestic violence tend to use the DARVO strategy by blaming their partners for the situation. 

They may state that they were arrested because they were defending themselves against their partner’s aggression, or they may label the partner mentally ill and blame them for the situation. 

The DARVO method isn’t just employed in cases of physical violence; it can also occur in the context of sexual assault. Some perpetrators may accuse the victim of seduction or engage in behavior that makes the victim responsible for the rape. 

Offenders may use the DARVO strategy to get themselves out of trouble in court. In many cases, they use this strategy to convince the victim not to report the abuse in the first place. 

Narcissists or other manipulators often use DARVO tactics to silence their victims. 

DARVO in relationships allows manipulators and abusers to maintain control over their significant others without ever facing the consequences of mistreatment. 

How to recognize DARVO narcissism: 5 strategies

So, what are DARVO tactics, and how can you recognize them? Consider the five tips below:

1. Constant denial

Denial is the hallmark of the DARVO strategy. If someone denies their behavior any time you confront them about an issue, you are likely in a DARVO relationship. Phrases such as, “That never happened!” or “I never said that!” are common in DARVO gaslighting. 

2. Deflection

Another common DARVO strategy is the use of deflection. The abuser can avoid taking accountability for their behavior if they take the focus off themselves and deflect it onto someone else, usually the victim.

This looks like in DARVO relationships: the victim will confront the offender about behavior, such as slapping the victim in the face, and the offender will say, “Just last week, you left your dirty dishes in the sink! You’re so lazy!” What has happened is that the offender is now making the victim feel as if they are the guilty one. 

Related Reading: What Is Deflection in a Relationship: 15 Signs

3. Minimizing their behavior 

DARVO gaslighting often involves some degree of minimization. The perpetrator may admit that there was a fight or that they were physical toward their partner, but they will claim that the victim is “blowing things out of proportion.”

For example, if the perpetrator screams at their partner, calls her names, and damages property in the home, they may say, “It wasn’t a big deal. We just had a heated argument. That’s normal in relationships.” 

Minimizing the behavior leads the victim to believe they were overreacting and that the abuse wasn’t as bad as they perceived it to be. 

4. Seeming forgetful

Another gaslighting tactic used in DARVO relationships is claiming not to remember incidents of abuse. 

The abuser may claim that they’ve been forgetful lately or make an excuse, such as being under too much stress to remember the details of a specific incident. 

5. Diminishing your credibility 

DARVO abusers will also gaslight their victims by attempting to diminish their credibility. 

For instance, if you confront them about something they’ve done to hurt you, they may accuse you of being too sensitive or “always being on their case.”

If you tell others about the abuser’s bad behavior, they will likely tell people that you are crazy or somehow out to get them. 

How DARVO affects relationships 

As you might guess, DARVO harms relationships. After all, it is a form of abuse. Whether the maltreatment in a relationship is physical, sexual, emotional, or financial, the DARVO relationship causes the victim to believe that the problems are their fault. 

The abuser never takes accountability or corrects their bad behavior. 

Ultimately, this behavior leads to unhealthy relationships, and the victim can suffer tremendously. The person who is a victim of DARVO gaslighting may suffer from symptoms of trauma, as well as other mental health conditions, such as panic, anxiety, or depression. 

The victim may remain in a DARVO relationship because the abuser convinces them they do not deserve a better relationship or that no one else will want to be with them. 

The victim’s self-esteem can also be so damaged by the abuse in the relationship that they feel powerless to take steps to leave. 

Ultimately, the effects of being in a DARVO relationship are long-lasting. Even if a victim manages to leave the relationship, the trauma can follow them into their next relationship. 

The victim may be fearful of trusting others and may even be hesitant to seek relationships in the future. 

Learn more about DARVO in relationships in this video:

How to respond to DARVO: 5 ways to resist the abuse 

If you’re in a DARVO relationship, it’s important to learn how to talk to DARVO abusers. The five strategies below can help you to resist manipulation and maintain your dignity. 

1. Learn about DARVO

DARVO tactics only work if the victim is unaware of what is happening to them. If you suspect DARVO abuse is at play in your relationship, learn as much as possible about this tactic. 

When you know what the abuser is doing, you’ll be less likely to take their behavior personally and more likely to resist the manipulation.  

2. Don’t argue 

You might be tempted to argue with someone who uses the DARVO strategy, but this isn’t likely effective. 

When you argue, you may lose your cool, which gives the abuser ammunition, as they may accuse you of being “crazy.” 

If you become upset when arguing and resort to yelling, they will surely accuse you of being abusive. 

3. Be firm but brief

Instead of arguing or engaging in debate with the DARVO manipulator, keep your interactions brief and to the point. 

If they try to deny or minimize, you can state, “You know what you did, and I’m not arguing with you about it.” Refuse to engage further, and you’ll send a clear message. 

4. Keep proof

Since a person who uses DARVO is sure to deny their abusive behavior, it’s important to keep proof. Documenting incidents and including specifics such as date, time, and location can give you evidence to fight back.

If this is applicable, consider keeping screenshots of Internet behavior. 

Related Reading: How to Affair Proof Your Marriage: 15 Important Ways

5. Maintain your reputation

Instead of getting sucked into the manipulator’s game, do everything you can to maintain your character. Continue to be kind, do the right thing, and work toward your goals. 

When the abuser attempts to defame your character, you’ll have plenty of people on your side. 

FAQs

If you’re looking for information on DARVO in relationships, the answers to the following questions may also interest you. 

1. What is DARVO narcissism?

A narcissistic personality disorder is a condition that is characterized by a lack of empathy, disregard for others, and the need for constant admiration. 

A person with a narcissistic personality disorder will take advantage of others for their gain.

DARVO narcissism refers to people with this personality disorder who use the DARVO method to take advantage of their partners. People with narcissistic personality disorder are likely to be abusive because they cannot empathize with their victims. 

If accused of wrongdoing, they may resort to DARVO tactics to keep the victim under their control. 

2. What is the DARVO workplace?

In the workplace, DARVO can occur between bosses and subordinates. A boss who is called out for unfair or unethical conduct may deny any wrongdoing and instead convince their employees that they are in the wrong. 

For instance, coworkers may report misconduct to human resources or approach their boss about workplace problems. 

Instead of listening and taking steps to correct the problem, a boss using DARVO methods may accuse the employees of being lazy, entitled, or intent on “starting problems.” 

This can lead to a toxic work environment in which employees question their judgment and fear speaking up about legitimate concerns. 

3. Is DARVO the same as gaslighting?

DARVO involves the use of gaslighting tactics. An abuser who uses the DARVO strategy denies that they have done anything wrong and attempts to convince the victim that they are the guilty party. 

This is, in essence, gaslighting because the victim begins questioning their version of reality. 

The takeaway

DARVO relationships are a form of emotional abuse or manipulation. These relationships may also involve other forms of abuse, such as physical or sexual violence. 

Over time, DARVO tactics take a toll on the victim’s mental health and lead to relationship breakdown. 

If you’re in a DARVO relationship, recognition is the first step. Once you realize what your partner is doing, you’ll realize that their behavior is an attempt at manipulation, and they’ll have less power over you.

While recognizing the DARVO method is helpful, it can be difficult to cope with this level of manipulation. If you’ve been in a DARVO relationship, you may suffer from symptoms of trauma, anxiety, or depression. 

In this case, working with a counselor or therapist can help you develop strong coping skills and overcome negative thinking patterns resulting from DARVO abuse. 

You might also benefit from participating in a support group for abuse victims. In these groups, you can learn from others who have experienced similar situations and receive validation.