Can a Narcissist Change for Their Partner? 7 Reasons

Change is hard for anyone… but when it comes to a narcissist?

It can feel almost impossible. You might wonder how someone so focused on themselves could ever truly care enough to grow, to shift, to soften — especially for the sake of love.

Sometimes they say all the right things: “I’ll do better,” “I can’t lose you,” “I’ll change, I promise.” And yet… nothing really changes.

Or does it?

The truth is, it’s complicated; it always has been. People aren’t born narcissists — somewhere, somehow, they learned this way of being.

But can a narcissist change for someone they love, really?

With effort, self-awareness, and the right reasons… maybe. Though, as you’ll see, it’s never as simple as just hoping they will.

What is narcissism in relationships?

Narcissism in relationships can leave you feeling confused, drained… even questioning your own reality. It’s not always loud or obvious — sometimes, it creeps in quietly. One moment, things seem perfect; the next, you’re wondering how you got caught in this cycle of blame, manipulation, and emotional highs and lows.

At its core, narcissism is about extreme self-focus. It’s not just selfishness — it’s a deep inability (or unwillingness) to see or care about someone else’s feelings truly.

According to Grady Shumway, a licensed mental health counselor,

A narcissist is someone who exhibits extreme self-centeredness and a lack of empathy for others, prioritizing their own needs above all else.

They often manipulate or gaslight those around them to maintain control and protect their fragile sense of self. While narcissistic personality disorder can affect anyone, it tends to be more prevalent in men than women.

So, are all narcissists the same?

Not necessarily. Narcissism can occur in anyone to varying degrees.

Many people have characteristics of narcissism that will not qualify for clinical diagnosis.

As a rule of thumb, when narcissistic behavior begins to affect someone’s life negatively, it may be a sign of true narcissistic personality disorder – a diagnosable mental illness.

To figure out whether your spouse has a narcissistic personality disorder or simply suffers from the occasional bout of “me first,” study the symptoms of severe narcissists:

• Enlarged sense of importance
• They act like they are in love with themselves
• A constant need for praise or attention
• Entitlement
• Cocky
• Exploits/gaslights partner without guilt
• Bullies and belittle others

These are all signs of narcissistic personality disorder. Because all people are different, your spouse may exhibit more or less of these signs.

Can a narcissist change for their partner? 7 reasons

Change is a tricky thing, especially for someone with deep-rooted behaviors like narcissism. Can a narcissist change for the right person? Some say yes, and others are not so sure. The truth is, it depends on so many factors… their willingness, their level of self-awareness, and even how much they value the relationship. Change does not happen just because someone asks for it. Below are seven reasons a narcissist might — or might not — change for their partner.

1. They experience a personal wake-up call

Sometimes, a big life event shakes a narcissist into self-reflection — a breakup, a health scare, losing a job. These moments can force them to see how their behavior hurts others and themselves.

Not all narcissists get to this point, but when they do, change becomes a little more possible. Pain often drives growth more than love alone ever could. Still, even then… it is not guaranteed. It takes more than fear to create lasting change.

• Why they may change: A wake-up call creates discomfort they can no longer ignore. They might see how their behavior affects their happiness long-term.
• Why they might not: Once the crisis passes, they may fall back into old patterns. Change rooted in fear tends not to last.

2. They enter genuine therapy and stick with it

Therapy can be life-changing, but only if someone shows up with honesty and an open mind. Narcissists rarely seek help on their own; often, it is a last resort. Still, with time and the right therapist, they can start unpacking childhood wounds, defenses, and unhealthy coping strategies.

Therapy helps them understand why they behave the way they do. It teaches accountability and empathy — two things narcissists struggle with. Progress is usually slow, but possible.

• Why they may change: Therapy offers tools, support, and structure. A skilled therapist can challenge their mindset safely and consistently.
• Why they might not: They may use therapy to manipulate others or gain sympathy. Without true commitment, nothing changes.

3. They develop emotional awareness over time

Emotional awareness is not something narcissists naturally have. It takes practice, patience, and a willingness to look inward. With enough time and the right motivation, they may begin to understand their own feelings and how these impact others.

Grady Shumway, LMHC, further shares,

A narcissist’s lack of empathy often results in few or no long-term friendships, as they prioritize their own needs, pushing others away.

This is a huge shift for someone who is used to blaming everyone else. Once awareness grows, so can empathy. But it is not a straight path… setbacks happen. Still, awareness is a crucial first step toward any real change.

• Why they may change: Understanding emotions can reduce defensive behaviors. They might start seeing people as equals, not threats.
• Why they might not: Emotional awareness takes years, not weeks. Some may abandon the effort when it feels too hard.

4. They face consequences that matter to them

Consequences can be powerful motivators. Losing a valued relationship, facing legal trouble, or damaging their reputation may force a narcissist to rethink things. These losses challenge their inflated self-image and show them the cost of their behavior.

When something finally feels more painful than changing… that is when growth might begin. But consequences alone do not guarantee long-term change. Sometimes, they just get better at hiding their worst traits.

• Why they may change: Real loss can crack open their defenses. They may fear repeating the same mistakes.
• Why they might not: Once they recover what they want, change often stops. They may only pretend to improve.

5. They are in a truly secure, boundaries relationship

A healthy partner who sets clear boundaries can influence change over time. Boundaries show a narcissist what will and will not be tolerated. Insecure partners often enable bad behavior, but someone who calmly enforces limits creates accountability.

Over time, this can help a narcissist see the value in mutual respect. Still, boundaries are not magic — they are just tools. The narcissist has to choose growth for themselves.

• Why they may change: Respecting boundaries teaches healthier ways to relate. They may value the stability this brings.
• Why they might not: Boundaries often make them angry or defensive. Some may leave rather than adapt.

6. They begin to prioritize long-term connection over ego

Narcissists thrive on ego boosts — praise, control, winning arguments. But if they start seeing the long-term value of genuine connection, things can shift. A desire for deeper bonds might replace shallow validation.

They might realize that relationships built on respect and care bring more fulfillment than short-term wins. This takes maturity and patience… qualities narcissists often lack at first. Still, people do grow.

• Why they may change: Lasting love may start to matter more than being right. They could soften over time.
• Why they might not: Their need for ego strokes often feels more urgent. Real intimacy might scare them away.

7. They are committed to change for themselves, not just to keep their partner

Change that lasts comes from within, not from fear of losing someone. If a narcissist decides they want to grow for their own sake, true progress becomes possible. This means recognizing their patterns, owning mistakes, and doing hard emotional work.

Change rooted in self-respect, not desperation, is far more sustainable. But few narcissists reach this place willingly — it takes humility and courage.

• Why they may change: Internal motivation drives real transformation. They might want a better life, not just a better image.
• Why they might not: Many cannot admit they have a problem. Without self-awareness, change is unlikely.

What are the signs of real change vs. false promises?

It is easy to get caught up in hopeful words — “I am changing,” “I am different now,” “Things will be better.”

But how do you know if those words actually mean something?

Real change in a narcissist shows up in actions, not just promises. It happens slowly, consistently, and often without the need for grand speeches.

If you are wondering, can a narcissist love in a way that feels real and safe? Sometimes… but only if they are truly committed to changing, not just saying what you want to hear.

Below is a simple comparison to help you spot the difference between real progress and empty words.

Signs of real change	Signs of false promises
They take accountability without being forced.	They say sorry but keep repeating the behavior.
They respect boundaries without constant reminders.	They agree to boundaries but ignore them later.
Their actions match their words, consistently.	They talk about change but rarely show it.
They show empathy and try to understand your feelings.	They dismiss your feelings or shift blame.
They seek help (therapy, support) on their own.	They claim they will get help but make excuses.
They make small, steady improvements over time.	They expect immediate forgiveness after “changing.”
They prioritize connection over control or winning.	They focus on appearances, not real growth.

Can you stay or should you walk away?

Staying with a narcissistic partner who claims they want to change can feel hopeful… but also exhausting, confusing, and painful. This is never an easy question to answer.

The truth is, no one can decide for you — but it helps to understand the risks, the possibilities, and the emotional toll this journey might take. Loving someone with narcissistic traits means learning to separate your desire for change from the reality in front of you.

Are there risks associated with starting the journey to change a narcissistic partner?

Of course. There are always risks when trying to change someone’s personality.

Can a narcissist change?

Yes, and here are some things you may experience when your partner begins their path to change.

• Being let down

It can be devastating if your partner makes progress but continues to have slip-ups. It is especially heartbreaking if your partner makes no change at all and gives up on therapy.

This can leave you feeling hopeless and trapped in your relationship. Sometimes it feels like one step forward, five steps back… and that emotional rollercoaster can wear down even the most patient heart.

• Watching your partner change

Your partner is taking well to narcissist therapy and is implementing great changes.

That is good news, right?

Of course, but that does not mean it is not difficult sometimes. Your partner’s personality may change quite a bit, and although these are good changes, you may not recognize the person you fell in love with.

Change can bring distance, confusion, and even grief as both of you adjust to a new dynamic.

• Ending the relationship

If your partner continues on their journey of growth and self-discovery, they may want to focus on themselves and decide to end your relationship.

On the other hand, if your partner does not change, you may need to end the relationship. Neither option is easy. But sometimes, walking away is the healthiest choice — not because you failed, but because you finally chose yourself.

Watch this video in which Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist, author, and leading expert on narcissism and narcissistic abuse, shares different ways of leaving a narcissistic relationship:

Hope, but protect yourself

Change is possible… but it is rarely simple. Some narcissists never reach the point where they want to grow — and others try, struggle, and slowly learn. It takes time, humility, and a lot of inner work to break free from patterns built on ego and fear.

Can a narcissist change?

Maybe, but not because someone else begs them to. Real change happens from within, not from guilt or pressure. No matter what, you deserve love, respect, and peace — whether that is with them or somewhere down a different path.