Why Successful Men and Women Can’t Maintain a Healthy Relationship

After weeks of tormenting and mentally draining myself, I finally found the courage to end my three-week engagement, 8-year relationship.

I remember the day I called it quits, it was right after Sandy hit New York City and destroyed the homes of many, including my own family.

I remember waking up that morning and something inside me shifting, and all I heard was “Inna, you cannot continue living this way, there will never be a right time, you owe it to yourself to be happy, just do it.”

What about his happiness?

His happiness was important to me but the realization that my own happiness was just as important, and I shouldn’t have to sacrifice mine for his came only after many years together.

Leading him into thinking that there was going to be a happily ever after was by far

worse than anything else.

I thought long and realized that I was doing both of us a huge favor by breaking of the engagement.

It would have ended up happening sooner rather than later. All I kept thinking was “it’s okay to break things off, it’s okay …and you’ll be alright, just hang in there” And so we met up and the words “I’m not happy, I can’t do this anymore” just blurted out.

I hated the person I had become but comfort of familiarity and fear of change left me

susceptible to pretending to others as well as to myself that I was content.

Emotionally and mentally I had “divorced” my relationship many years back but the force to

examine the consequences of my actions only came out the day I got engaged.

It was as if something shifted in my body and forced me to re-examine my life.

Accepting the fact that I was miserable and unhappy at 28 years old became more painful and

overwhelming day after day.

One part of my being kept reciting phrases from an article I had read in Business Insider on the the 5 Things People Regret On Their Deathbeds. “I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself,” I wish I had the courage to express my feelings “”Happiness is always a choice.” the other part of me kept thinking “What will my family think if I break off the engagement?” “What will everybody else think of me?”

I was an attractive, educated young woman “How did I get here?”

He never anticipated the relationship meltdown

He thought his strong work ethic was commendable and didn’t perceive the heat of the resentment building in me or the distance drifting us apart.

We both ignored the signs (which were present early on in the relationship) and

believed that presents could replace presence.

But, to say the least, I was fed up with his excuses. I felt lonely and angry for a long time and the resentment built up several years leading to parallel lives.

At times I wondered “does he even notice that I’m here?” The disconnectedness between us had become intolerable.

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Both of us contributed to the relationship failure

Each of us was attentive and committed to one area of life; for Alex it was building his career and for me it was focusing too much energy on Alex and not enough on my own needs.

We both couldn’t find the balance needed to sustain the relationship. I tried to restrain

him, but my badgering approach led him to retreat further into his workspace.

He avoided confrontation and chose to work long hours as an alternative to communicating

about our conflict.

When we did communicate, which wasn’t often, we expressed our negative emotions

in hurtful ways and  placed the blame on one another.

We both entered the relationship with predetermined set of unrealistic expectations, thus causing us both to be disappointed with the outcome.

It brings me to my first question, so why do highly successful men and women have

such difficulty fostering and maintaining healthy relationships?

To understand the relationship challenges of dating a successful man, or recognize the challenges of dating a professional woman, it’s important to take a look at the family origin.

Many “go-getters” grew up in a family where strong work ethics were reinforced and valued above everything else.

“If you succeed through achievements, you succeed in life” was embodied from a young age, thus allowing the person to believe that through achievement comes acceptance in life.

An important factor to look at is personality traits

Many high achievers will pour all their energy into their passions, taking risks and never giving up.

Their built-in resilience is due to a positive mindset, no matter the obstacles that comes in their way.

They naturally exude self-confidence and are leaders.

Secondly, why can’t those same highly successful men and women who are able to

tackle any problem at work fix the problem in their relationships?

Why are relationship or marriage and career success mutually exclusive to them?

Before you can fix the problem, you need to recognize it

Many successful men and women spend all their time with like-minded individuals and therefore don’t objectively see the issues.

One of the challenges  that the ambitious personality faces is that they have a very difficult time differentiating between urgent and important.

For these go-getters, everything is urgent, and everything is important that’s work related.

And once that happens, these individuals will often focus on the task, and forget about the

relationship. But one thing we can’t argue is that all relationships require attention,

commitment, patience, and staying power in order to succeed.

The process of change not only requires awareness but a plan of how to change.

It is critical to get to know yourself before making the decision to enter a relationship.

Once your values, emotional needs, and love patterns are figured out then the mission

of finding true love becomes possible.

At the end of the day, shared values are what count the most

Irrespective of a man looking for tips on how to date an independent woman, a man dating a successful woman grappling with relationship problems, or a woman dating a successful man and struggling to feel validated – it all boils down to shared values and self-acceptance.

I’ve learned that we were all born with gifts and our only job is to accept this truth,

believe and trust that we will find the love life we desire.

Embrace your quirks, your flaws and the fact that life is a roller coaster at times.

Whatever you believe to be true about your life becomes your reality

If your beliefs about yourself don’t work in your favor, then you can change them.

You’re wondering how. By rewiring your thought patterns.

Take the time to focus on how to better yourself, bring happiness to your life and to the people around.

It’s important to take time to look at ourselves because in reality, we are terrified to be

ourselves.

To show our flaws, express how we feel, what we truly want, all in fear of being rejected.

Until we take a look at who we are, life will never change, and the happiness that we seek will never come.

In the end, nobody will be more disappointed than you if you don’t live the best life you could possibly live. Not your parents, not your partners. If a past relationship turned out to be not what you expected, then take the lessons from it and move forward.

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Inna Mel

As a dating and relationship coach I’ve helped smart, successful women gain confidence and clarity needed to attract quality, relationship-minded men. My personal struggles have been the driving force that inspired me to become a coach. My experiences can be put to good work and provide a means... Read more of guiding people towards healthy relationships. I have been featured in Social Lifestyle Magazine, One More Round TV Show, on live radio, etc. I believe that examining one's relationship is a matter of asking the right questions, listening over being quick to judge, and identifying the lessons to be learned. Read less

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When you and your partner talk about something important…

We listen with care — even hard talks feel safe and productive

We try to talk, but lately emotional closeness feels harder to reach

I want to be open, but part of me still guards my heart

Our discussions sometimes spiral or end unresolved

It’s hard to feel close because our physical intimacy hasn’t felt strong lately

We often see things differently about goals or priorities

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