After weeks of tormenting and mentally draining myself, I finally found the courage to end my three-week engagement, 8-year relationship.
In This Article
I remember the day I called it quits, it was right after Sandy hit New York City and destroyed the homes of many, including my own family.
I remember waking up that morning and something inside me shifting, and all I heard was “Inna, you cannot continue living this way, there will never be a right time, you owe it to yourself to be happy, just do it.”
What about his happiness?
His happiness was important to me but the realization that my own happiness was just as important, and I shouldn’t have to sacrifice mine for his came only after many years together.
Leading him into thinking that there was going to be a happily ever after was by far
worse than anything else.
I thought long and realized that I was doing both of us a huge favor by breaking of the engagement.
It would have ended up happening sooner rather than later. All I kept thinking was “it’s okay to break things off, it’s okay …and you’ll be alright, just hang in there” And so we met up and the words “I’m not happy, I can’t do this anymore” just blurted out.
I hated the person I had become but comfort of familiarity and fear of change left me
susceptible to pretending to others as well as to myself that I was content.
Emotionally and mentally I had “divorced” my relationship many years back but the force to
examine the consequences of my actions only came out the day I got engaged.
It was as if something shifted in my body and forced me to re-examine my life.
Accepting the fact that I was miserable and unhappy at 28 years old became more painful and
overwhelming day after day.
One part of my being kept reciting phrases from an article I had read in Business Insider on the the 5 Things People Regret On Their Deathbeds. “I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself,” I wish I had the courage to express my feelings “”Happiness is always a choice.” the other part of me kept thinking “What will my family think if I break off the engagement?” “What will everybody else think of me?”
I was an attractive, educated young woman “How did I get here?”
He never anticipated the relationship meltdown
He thought his strong work ethic was commendable and didn’t perceive the heat of the resentment building in me or the distance drifting us apart.
We both ignored the signs (which were present early on in the relationship) and
believed that presents could replace presence.
But, to say the least, I was fed up with his excuses. I felt lonely and angry for a long time and the resentment built up several years leading to parallel lives.
At times I wondered “does he even notice that I’m here?” The disconnectedness between us had become intolerable.
Both of us contributed to the relationship failure
Each of us was attentive and committed to one area of life; for Alex it was building his career and for me it was focusing too much energy on Alex and not enough on my own needs.
We both couldn’t find the balance needed to sustain the relationship. I tried to restrain
him, but my badgering approach led him to retreat further into his workspace.
He avoided confrontation and chose to work long hours as an alternative to communicating
At the end of the day, shared values are what count the most
Irrespective of a man looking for tips on how to date an independent woman, a man dating a successful woman grappling with relationship problems, or a woman dating a successful man and struggling to feel validated – it all boils down to shared values and self-acceptance.
I’ve learned that we were all born with gifts and our only job is to accept this truth,
believe and trust that we will find the love life we desire.
Embrace your quirks, your flaws and the fact that life is a roller coaster at times.
Whatever you believe to be true about your life becomes your reality
If your beliefs about yourself don’t work in your favor, then you can change them.
You’re wondering how. By rewiring your thought patterns.
Take the time to focus on how to better yourself, bring happiness to your life and to the people around.
It’s important to take time to look at ourselves because in reality, we are terrified to be
To show our flaws, express how we feel, what we truly want, all in fear of being rejected.
Until we take a look at who we are, life will never change, and the happiness that we seek will never come.
In the end, nobody will be more disappointed than you if you don’t live the best life you could possibly live. Not your parents, not your partners. If a past relationship turned out to be not what you expected, then take the lessons from it and move forward.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
As a dating and relationship coach I’ve helped smart, successful women gain confidence and clarity needed to attract quality, relationship-minded men. My personal struggles have been the driving force that inspired me to become a coach. My experiences can be put to good work and provide a means of guiding people towards healthy relationships. I have been featured in Social Lifestyle Magazine, One More Round TV Show, on live radio, etc. I believe that examining one's relationship is a matter of asking the right questions, listening over being quick to judge, and identifying the lessons to be learned.