What Is Stashing in a Relationship? 17 Signs & What to Do

In the age of online dating and open relationships, a new trend is raising red flags: “stashing.” This involves one partner actively concealing their relationship from friends, family, and even social media. It’s more common than you might think, leaving victims feeling isolated, insecure, and confused. 

This article sheds light on the hidden world of “stashing,” revealing its telltale signs, unpacking the potential motivations behind it, and offering practical advice on how to navigate this tricky situation.

Whether you’re facing stashing in a relationship yourself or simply curious about this increasingly prevalent phenomenon, buckle up for an honest and insightful exploration of what it means to be kept a secret.

What is stashing in a relationship?

Stashing is a term used to describe a situation where one partner deliberately keeps their significant other hidden from their social circles, including friends and family. This phenomenon can occur in both new and established relationships. 

It often reflects an imbalance in commitment or seriousness between the partners. The stasher may seem fully engaged when alone with their partner, but in public or social media, they behave as if they’re single, leaving the stashed partner feeling isolated and invalidated.

17 signs of being stashed in a relationship

In relationships, being aware of subtle red flags is crucial. The concept of stashing—where one partner keeps the other hidden—is increasingly common. Here are some signs that you might be being stashed in your relationship, each demanding attention and reflection.

1. Social media silence

This sign of stashing in a relationship involves your partner actively avoiding posting any photos or content with you on their social media profiles. The stashing definition encompasses this kind of behavior, where a partner might appear single or unattached online despite being in a relationship. 

If your partner regularly uses social media but consistently omits any mention or visual representation of you, it could be a deliberate attempt to hide the relationship.

2. Absence in social gatherings

A key indicator of signs of a stashing relationship is if you find that you’re never invited to join your partner at events involving their friends, family, or work colleagues. 

This exclusion can suggest that your partner is hesitant to integrate you into their broader social life, possibly due to concerns about how the relationship will be perceived or a desire to maintain a certain image that doesn’t include you.

3. Lack of public affection

When a partner avoids showing affection in public, it might be a sign of stashing in a relationship. This behavior can be particularly telling if they are affectionate in private but distant in public settings, as it suggests discomfort with the public acknowledgment of the relationship.

4. Secretive behavior

Overly secretive or vague behavior about activities when you’re not around or avoiding questions about their daily life could be a sign of stashing. This secrecy might indicate that they are keeping you away from other aspects of their life or that they have something to hide.

5. Separate lives

Stashing in a relationship is often characterized by the maintenance of distinctly separate lives. If there is little to no overlap between the life you share with your partner and their life outside the relationship, it suggests a deliberate effort to keep these worlds apart.

6. Avoiding the ‘Label’

Hesitation or refusal to define the relationship or give it an official label can be a red flag. This avoidance might indicate that your partner is not fully committed to the relationship or is trying to keep their options open, possibly due to a fear of commitment or not seeing a long-term future with you.

7. No future plans

A reluctance to make plans for the future can signify that your partner does not see a long-term future with you. This avoidance could be because they are not fully committed to the relationship or are uncertain about where they see the relationship going.

According to Christiana Njoku, a Licensed Professional Counselor, Marriage Mentor, and Relationship Coach, 

If they are not making plans to include you in their future plans, then they are not ready to commit and do life with you.

8. Friends don’t know you

If your partner’s friends seem unaware of your existence or the seriousness of your relationship, it’s a strong sign you’re being stashed. This situation suggests your partner has not shared information about your relationship with others or is actively keeping it a secret.

9. Family out of bounds

Never meeting any family members or hearing little about them can be a sign that your partner is keeping you separate from their personal life. 

Christiana Njoku points out,

Someone who is in love with you and is ready to be with you will make conscious effort for you to meet with important people in their life, including their family members.

This separation could be due to various reasons, including fear of family disapproval, not seeing the relationship as serious enough to warrant family introductions, or a desire to maintain a certain image with their family.

10. Unequal sharing

An imbalance in the amount of personal information shared might be a sign of stashing. This imbalance could indicate a lack of trust or commitment from your partner or a desire to keep you at a certain distance.

11. Unshared celebrations

Being excluded from significant events like birthdays, holidays, or personal achievements is a stark sign that you’re being kept out of the public eye in a stashing relationship. In a healthy relationship, partners are typically eager to celebrate important milestones together. 

If you find yourself constantly left out of these celebrations, it might indicate that your partner is intentionally keeping you separate from the other important aspects of their life, which aligns with the signs of a stashing relationship.

12. Selective communication

If your partner only communicates with you in private settings, such as at home or via text, and avoids any form of interaction in group settings, it’s a red flag. This behavior suggests that they want to keep your relationship a secret, avoiding public acknowledgment or the chance of being seen together by acquaintances. 

That’s why selective communication is a classic example of stashing in a relationship, where the stasher avoids publicly integrating their partner into their life.

13. Hidden relationship status

In the age of social media, a person’s relationship status can be a public declaration of their romantic engagements. 

If your partner’s social media status is hidden or, worse, set to ‘single,’ it’s a significant indicator that they do not want others to know about your relationship. This action is a clear sign of stashing, as it publicly denies the existence of the relationship. 

The stashing definition involves intentionally keeping a partner hidden from public view, which this behavior exemplifies.

14. Avoiding shared spaces

A partner who is stashing you might show a marked reluctance to visit places where they are likely to meet people they know. This could include favorite restaurants, local hangouts, or community events.

The underlying reason for this behavior is the fear of being seen with you and having to explain your relationship to others, indicating a desire to keep the relationship hidden.

15. No mention in conversations

If your partner constantly avoids mentioning you in conversations with others or swiftly changes the topic when you come up, it’s a concerning sign. 

It shows that they are either ashamed of the relationship or are trying to keep it under wraps. In a transparent and open relationship, partners typically mention each other naturally in conversations.

16. Feeling like a secret

Ultimately, one of the most telling signs of being stashed is the overall feeling that you are a secret part of your partner’s life. This feeling can stem from a combination of the above signs and an intuitive sense that you are being kept hidden. 

Trusting your instincts in this situation is important, as feeling like a secret can be detrimental to your self-esteem and sense of worth in the stashing in a relationship.

17. No social media connections

It reflects a scenario where your partner avoids linking with you on social platforms or ignores your online interactions. This behavior is a subtle yet telling sign of stashing. 

It demonstrates a desire to keep the relationship invisible in the digital realm, which is often a reflection of their intent to conceal the relationship in their public life.

What can you do if your partner is stashing you? 7 solutions

When faced with stashing in a relationship, it’s crucial to take proactive steps. Here are seven ways to address and cope with the situation, ensuring your emotional well-being and the health of your relationship.

1. Communicate your feelings

The first step in addressing stashing is to communicate your feelings with your partner openly. It’s important to express how being kept a secret affects you emotionally. Approach the conversation with honesty and vulnerability, and avoid accusatory language. 

Explain your need for a more public acknowledgment of the relationship. This conversation can be a litmus test for the future of the relationship based on their response and willingness to understand your perspective.

2. Seek clarity

Asking direct questions about where you stand in their life and what the future holds is crucial. Seek clear answers about why they have been hesitant to integrate you into their broader life. 

Just as Christiana Njoku  emphasizes,

The moment you are confused about the state of your relationship, it is important to seek for clarity, so as to understand the situation of things.

Understanding their reasons, whether it’s fear of commitment, concerns about family acceptance, or something else, can provide insight into whether the relationship has a solid foundation to build on.

3. Establish boundaries

Determine what you are willing to accept in the relationship and what you are not. If you require a certain level of public acknowledgment and inclusivity in their social life, make this clear. Setting these boundaries is not just about voicing them but also about adhering to them. 

If your partner continuously disrespects these boundaries, it may be a sign that the relationship isn’t right for you.

4. Self-reflection

Take time to reflect on why you are in the relationship and whether it aligns with your values and needs. 

Ask yourself why you might be tolerating being stashed. This self-reflection can sometimes reveal underlying issues like low self-esteem or fear of being alone, which might be enabling your acceptance of this behavior.

5. Seek support

Discussing your situation with trusted friends or a counselor can provide valuable outside perspectives. Sometimes, when we are emotionally involved, it’s challenging to see the situation clearly. External viewpoints can help you assess whether your feelings and concerns are being addressed appropriately in the relationship.

6. Evaluate the relationship

Take a step back to assess whether the relationship is truly meeting your needs and expectations. 

Consider aspects like emotional fulfillment, respect, and mutual growth. If the relationship is predominantly characterized by feelings of insecurity and hiddenness, it might not be conducive to your well-being and happiness.

7. Be prepared to walk away

It’s crucial to recognize when a relationship is not serving your best interests. If your conversations and efforts do not lead to positive changes, or if your partner continues to stash you despite your expressed needs, it may be time to consider ending the relationship. 

Remember, a healthy relationship should uplift and support both partners, not leave one feeling hidden and marginalized.

To learn whether you should stay or walk away from a relationship, check out this video:

FAQs

Stashing is a complex issue in relationships, raising important questions about its implications, survivability, and intentionality. Let’s delve into these aspects to better understand the dynamics of stashing and its impact on relationships.

• Is stashing a good thing?

Stashing in a relationship is generally not considered a good thing. It involves one partner hiding the other from their social and family circles, leading to feelings of insecurity, neglect, and exclusion. This behavior undermines the fundamental principles of trust, respect, and openness that are essential for a healthy relationship. 

While every relationship has its privacy, the secrecy inherent in stashing usually signifies deeper issues, such as fear of commitment or a lack of serious investment in the relationship.

• Can a relationship survive stashing?

A relationship can survive stashing, but it requires significant effort and change. The key is addressing the issue head-on through open communication and understanding the reasons behind the stashing behavior. 

Both partners must be willing to work on underlying issues, like commitment fears or social anxieties, and develop a more inclusive and respectful relationship dynamic. However, if the behavior continues without resolution, it can lead to a breakdown in trust and intimacy, challenging the long-term viability of the relationship.

• Is stashing always intentional, or can it be unintentional?

Stashing in a relationship can be both intentional and unintentional. Intentional stashing occurs when a partner consciously decides to keep their relationship hidden from others, often due to fear of commitment, social pressures, or personal insecurities. 

However, stashing can also be unintentional, stemming from a lack of awareness or understanding of the partner’s need for acknowledgment and inclusion. In these cases, addressing the behavior through communication can lead to positive changes and a more open relationship.

In a nutshell

Stashing is more than just a trend; it’s a blatant disregard for your value and a violation of trust. Recognizing the signs is crucial, but it’s not enough. Initiate a calm conversation with your partner, expressing your needs and the negative impact their behavior has on you. 

Remember, you deserve to be celebrated, not hidden. Prioritize activities and relationships that make you feel seen and valued. In a healthy relationship, you wouldn’t have to fight for visibility. Partners openly celebrate each other, share their lives with loved ones, and feel secure expressing their affection publicly. 

If your relationship lacks these elements and open communication hasn’t remedied the situation, don’t hesitate to seek support from loved ones or a therapist. Ultimately, prioritize your well-being and happiness. Choose a relationship that cherishes you, not one that keeps you in the shadows.