10 Pros and Cons of Living Apart Together

Living apart together has become more common than you probably even thought. If you take some time to survey, you may find couples who are married but living apart or those who are together but apart. 

Although living together in relationships is important as it helps strengthen the relationship and makes both parties fall more in love with each other, there are times when it is impossible to prevent a gaping distance between partners. This is when you find two people living apart together. 

This article will walk you through what this phenomenon means and how you can navigate these treacherous times. You will also discover the pros and cons of living apart together because, as you know, almost everything has its ups and downs. 

What is living apart together?

Living apart together means a situation in which couples who have an intimate relationship choose to live in different locations for several reasons. 

The living apart together meaning covers a host of scenarios, including couples who would want to live together but are constrained from doing so (maybe because of family and religion), those who prefer to live apart, or those who may be taking a break from their relationship. 

Research shows that about one-third of all U.S. adults who are not married or cohabiting are in some form of Living Apart Together relationship (LAT Relationships). This implies that there are more living apart together couples than you imagined. 

Furthermore, couples who are living apart together can choose to live close to each other or far away from each other and get to meet up at the times they choose. 

Under these circumstances, they are in absolute control over their living apart together conditions. They aren’t compelled to make decisions based on factors that are beyond their control. 

To some, being apart but together is their definition of love that waxes strong. To others, living apart while married is a complete no-no. 

Why live together apart?

There are many reasons why couples end up living apart after living together or choose to live in different locations. As we have already hinted, here are some of them. 

1. Some people love their space 

For some people, being in a romantic relationship with someone else is not about making them trade their peace of mind for anything. They would rather choose the living apart together option and meet at arranged schedules. 

Related Reading: Let There Be Some Space in Your Relationship

2. Others believe they don’t have to live out of each other’s pockets 

Others don’t think that the best and most effective way to show that they love someone is to pack up and move into the same house with the person. These people would rather find other ways to express their love for a person than live in the same house. 

This is also absolutely fine; if it works perfectly for you, then so be it. 

3. Influence of family 

Some people come from close-knit families and may have spent their entire lives living in the same house as their families. 

Even when they grow up and get into romantic relationships, they may find it challenging to leave those houses they’ve lived in to start afresh with someone else. 

On the flip side, they may be from families that don’t support living together when you aren’t yet married. 

4. Religious influences 

According to the research, about 48% of U.S. Christian citizens affirm their religion is important to them. 

Considering that the Christian faith frowns on living together before marriage, it is not unusual to meet people in strong and committed romantic relationships who end up living apart together because of their religious beliefs.     

In that case, these people will wait to get married before moving in together. This said, let us quickly look at both sides of this pendulum. What are the advantages and disadvantages of living apart together? 

Pros of living apart together

What could be the living apart together benefits? Here are some benefits of being in a relationship but not living together. 

1. More independence 

One of the first things you learn when you step into a relationship is how to tolerate your partner. You have to live with their flaws or run yourself into an early grave trying to fix them. 

To make this work, you’d have to make a lot of compromises while they do the same. Some of the most challenging times come when you decide to live together, and you must find common ground to meet on almost all matters. 

When living apart together is your choice, you’ll save yourself so much stress. For one, you won’t have to choose the decor with someone else.

You can choose how you want your space to look, what you want to bring in, if you prefer minimalism over everything else, etc. 

The first and major advantage of living apart from your spouse is that you can decide what you want and how you want it. 

Related Reading: Why Is It Important to Be Independent in a Relationship?

2. Helps you cherish the time you spend with your partner 

One of the things you may have to deal with soon enough if you live with your spouse is the familiarity concept. 

When you know that your partner will always be there when you wake up first thing in the morning, there’s every possibility that you’ll pay them little heed when they try to get your attention. 

This can cause friction in the relationship as time passes. However, when you get to see each other at intervals, you may look forward to the time you’ll spend together, and you’ll also commit to gaining everything you can from those hours. 

3. Control over your schedule 

If you are a person who lives to have your hands over your schedule to determine what you do, when you do it, and how you do it, then living apart together might be the perfect choice for you. 

When you live alone, you can decide your schedule. First of all, there’s no one in your immediate space that you have to think of. No family time. No immediate movie dates to worry about. Nothing that isn’t you! 

This allows you to determine your schedule to the best of your abilities. Also, this can positively impact your career if you are the type of person who places priority on your work. 

If you work from home, you can get the much-needed space to work as much as you like while maintaining a healthy relationship with your spouse. 

4. Allows the opportunity to think for yourself 

One of the things that can happen in relationships is that a time may come when you need some space to think, process, and determine the direction in which your relationship is headed. Sometimes, making the hard decisions is impossible if you live out of each other’s pockets. 

When you live apart, you can process information concerning the relationship in a clearer headspace. 

In addition, not seeing your spouse every other second can make the relationship stronger, as you may end up desiring those times you get to hang out and spend quality time with each other.    

5. Handy in breaking societal stereotypes 

In many heterosexual relationships, there are predefined gender-based stereotypes and norms. Some of them imply that the woman is expected to be the one who takes care of the home while the man is at liberty to do as he pleases. 

Many of these norms empower the men to chase their dreams while the women stay home to create a conducive space for the man to thrive while keeping their ambitions in the back seat forever. 

One of the major advantages of living apart together relationships is that these stereotypes hold little or no water under these conditions. 

When everyone has to live in their own spaces, they must figure out how to thrive independently. Another advantage is that unhealthy dependence on your partner goes out the door. 

Cons of living apart together

Just like most things with advantages, living apart together also comes with a couple of downsides. Here are some of them. 

1. Jealousy can easily brew 

If either of the partners feels like they are being ignored in the relationship, spending time apart in a relationship can worsen those feelings, and jealousy may begin to brew as time passes. 

At least, they could easily navigate themselves and monitor their partners if they were living in the same house. However, when distance is added to the mix, they may begin to doubt their partner’s love for them. 

2. It can be the beginning of the end 

One of the main challenges that can easily pop up for living apart together relationships is that if extra care isn’t taken, the distance can cause both parties to start losing the feeling they once had for each other over time. 

When one person starts feeling like they have to go too far to meet the one they love, they might just be tempted to opt out of the relationship and seek a new love interest that is closer to them. 

As much as absence makes the heart grow fonder, it can also cause love to die with time.  

3. Intimacy is somewhat difficult 

The heart wants what it wants. Although focusing on the bright and beautiful side of things is easy, you may want to ask yourself this question. What if you wake up at 3 am, and all you want are the arms of your lover wrapped tightly around you? 

You can manage your emotions at first. However, if you still need to do something, you may begin to look for other options as time passes. 

One of the major downsides of these relationships is that sometimes, affection and intimacy can be hard to get. 

Then again, the spontaneity that most couples who live together enjoy (like having hot sex in the shower and going for a little walk in the evenings) has to be planned and meticulously executed.

Having an order is great. However, what’s a healthy relationship without a little spontaneous fun? 

4. Financial impact 

Moving in together can be a financial lifesaver for you. For example, couples can save up to $995.09/month in San Francisco simply by moving in together. Imagine how many thousands of dollars you’d save yearly simply by moving in together. 

Crazy, right? 

One of the biggest disadvantages of living apart together is its effect on the finances of both people. Instead of taking advantage of all the money you can save, you may have to spend way higher on accommodations and monthly utility costs if you choose to live apart. 

These numbers still don’t mean that married couples living apart are silly or lack financial intelligence. If they have to do that, they must have strong reasons, right? 

Related Reading:  How Does Money Affect Relationships? 3 Tips for Money Conflicts

5. Takes too much work to maintain

You may have to drive halfway across town to see them when you want to. You may have to wait for a couple of days until you can break the good news of your promotion to them. 

You don’t even get to share the small but precious moments of your life with them. And what’s worse? The distance opens your eyes to many other possible love interests just around the corner. 

In a nutshell, it takes a lot of energy to maintain these relationships, especially if you live apart with a child. 

Related Reading: 10 Tips on How to Maintain Balance in a Relationship

Does living apart together work?

The simple answer to this question is “Yes. Living apart together works.” 

However, to make it work, you must understand your unique situation and the things you must do to keep the flames of your love life alive. There are tons of couples out there who have made either scenario work for them. 

You must ensure that you are on the same page with your partner and willing to see things through. You can also try online marriage counseling to help solve the issues. 

FAQs

Below are some commonly asked questions about living apart together in a relationship:

• What is the difference between dating and living together?

There are differences in relationships based on the level of involvement a couple is at. Dating marks the initial phase of a relationship when two people try to get to know each other and assess their compatibility with each other. 

Living together, on the other hand, usually marks a relationship that is in a secure space with high hopes for a collective future together. 

Check out this video to learn more about the six stages of relationships:

• Why are married couples opting for LAT relationships?

Married couples living apart together usually do this because they want to maintain their independence while still being in a committed relationship with each other. Sometimes the reasons could be practical, like geographical job requirements. 

Apart from living apart from their spouse for work, it is also possible for married couples to live apart because they may unsuccessfully try living together or have been in a relationship/marriage with each other before.

As Dr. Jennifer Jacobsen, PhD in Psychology, states:

Sometimes, couples find that living separately fixes a lot of the problems in a marriage, so they opt for this arrangement rather than separating.

• Is living apart good for a marriage?

The impact of living apart in a marriage wholly depends on the particular circumstances of the relationship and the personalities of the couple involved. 

A couple can benefit from living apart as it allows them to lead an independent life and have their space while not getting on each other’s nerves. Some can use this as a temporary pause button to re-energize and rethink their relationship. 

Living alone together can also help a couple realize that they are better apart and should walk away from the relationship. 

According to Dr. Jennifer Jacobsen:

Whether this arrangement works is unique to each relationship. Some couples may find that living apart together is wonderful, whereas other couples would never even consider such an arrangement. What is most important is that it makes sense for your unique relationship.

Summary 

It takes a lot to make a living apart together relationship work. However, if both parties commit to making it work and if the situations are right for this arrangement, it is bound to work for you. 

However, if it isn’t working, you may want to sit together and analyze what you are doing. Then match your actions against your goals and see how you can adjust things. 

Consider enlisting the help of professional counselors to help you make the best decision for your unique relationship.   

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Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships... Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less

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