A couple recently said, “Who has time for sex, you have so much going on and so many things to do and you’re just tired, so you don’t do it very often (or hardly at all).”
So much to do, too busy for sex, too tired for connections, and intimacy and you wonder what makes many relationships struggle?
Are you putting the sexual relationship with your partner
Maybe you are putting the sexual relationship with your partner at the bottom of the list. You wait until everything that can possibly be done at work, at home, with your kids, with the community, church, extended family and other things you schedule are all done and then say you have nothing left.
When the sexual relationship with your partner is left to the last place then what is left to make the connection happen?
Someone has to make a move, have a need, request the other’s presence and request sex which is something many do not like talking about at all.
Many have stated: “I think it ‘should be’ a natural thing that just happens. Something that happens without energy, attention or scheduling yet fireworks are to ignite, and it is to be as passionate and romantic as in the movies.
Here is the reality. Unless you are intentional, mindful and deliberate about your sexual relationship with your partner, it is not going to happen.
Keys to creating conscious and intentional relationships
You must work at building a meaningful sexual relationship with your partner, make time for it and make it a priority, not an end of the day or a thing to check off the ‘to do’ list on special occasions.
A sexual relationship with your partner and connection are not magic and do not happen without nurturing. Some have said: “I just do not think about sex.” Well, it might be time to start thinking about it, so you can make it happen! you can’t succeed at work without thinking about it, right?
In couples counseling, I hear many with a non-existent sex life complain about “the back rub” s/he always wants. They dig in their feet and refuse to “do it” and turn down a chance at intimacy and developing a bond putting the other person first.
Couples say: “Well, she told me she did not like this or that or he was too busy and then you never did it again.” Why do you do that? you are all selfish human beings who want but are reluctant to give. you fear rejection yet want acceptance and unconditional love.
Decide today to be different and improve your sex life
You will want to choose to get out of your rut and try new things and new behaviors to create change and recreate a healthy sexual relationship with your partner.
Here are ways mindfulness makes your relationship happier and improves the sexual relationship with your partner.
- Remember everything is not about you and what you want, feel, or need or your partner. The relationship, specifically your sexual relationship needs fuel to burn.
- Be the change you want to see in your sexual relationship. Waiting for your partner to make the move, do for you, or to show they want you is a passive way to get what you want. If you want a more intimate, passionate, loving relationship with sparks – make it happen! A kiss to be kissed, touch to be touched.
- Be mindful of your partner, their needs, their love language, and what they like (holding hands, touching, quality time, snuggling, back rubs). This gives you a clue about how to connect.
- If you want a back rub or more touch, to hold hands, to snuggle, then initiate that with your partner and take turns. This is one area where less talking, and more actions actually can help you both.
- Look at the “triggers” that create a sexual environment and attitude. Having your kids come into your bedroom or bed at any time is not going to create a sexual environment. What puts you and your partner in the mood? Think back.
Is that music, dance, touching, a glass of wine, bathing together, sleeping without pajamas, being in a hotel, on vacation, wearing lingerie or something else? Create an environment that will make the mood and sexual relationship with your partner simmer.
- You could try out couples meditation techniques for sexual intimacy and love. They are a great way to restore love and reignite the passion in your relationship. There are several easy to follow, guided couple meditation techniques online to begin with and gradually enhance the quality of the sexual relationship with your partner.
Your sexual relationship and intimacy are in your hands. If you want more intimacy, start with changing yourself and making it happen. If you ‘re dating someone for the first time hoping to create that sensual, sexual passionate relationship what would you do?
It certainly would not happen by ignoring it or saying you are too tired or don’t think about it; that would make it end. What are three things you can do to create the spark in yourself and be the change you want to see in your sexual relationship?
It is the gift you give yourself and the nucleus of all healthy sexual relationships. Make it happen today!
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More by Joanna Oestmann