A Mindful Marriage for The Mindful Couple

Mindfulness is a big buzzword now. There are many avenues people are seeking to become more mindful, including different forms of meditation, yoga, and even psychedelics.

In our very stressed out world, we are all searching for a way to bring more peace and calm into our lives. As couples therapists, we help partners bring that into their relationship.

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Mindfulness in marriage

Ever wonder what it means to have a mindful marriage or how to have mindfulness in relationships.

In essence, it means to see things as they actually are, and not as we wished they were or imagined them to be.

To have a mindful relationship or a mindful Marriage means accepting and even embracing things as they are without trying to change them.

The foundation of conflict is seeded with the desire to change the other, so not trying to change is a big challenge.

We want so desperately to find peace, and we mistakenly believe that if things are done the way we want them done, peace will prevail, and joy will reenter the relationship.

Let’s say, for example, one partner is unhappy with the frequency of sex. An unmindful response would be to criticize, shame, and blame the other partner.

Another unmindful response would be to go outside the relationship. In both scenarios, the mindset is, You are wrong, and I am right. I want more sex, and you should, too, or at least accommodate me.

The foundation of mindfulness is infused with the energy of love and includes kindness, generosity, curiosity, empathy, validation, openness, acceptance, flexibility, forgiveness, and lightness.

A mindful response means communicating our needs in a calm and loving way without criticism, shame, or blame.

This may sound like:

I love making love with you more than anything in the world. It makes me feel connected and safe and reminds me of how beautiful a connection we have.

It’s hard for me when we have sex less than twice a month because we get so busy and stressed out with work and the baby.

I would love to make love more often, and I’m not sure how to go about it because I know you are stressed out too. What ideas do you have on this?

A mindful marriage will always involve leaving behind judgment, reactivity, and attachment to a particular outcome, and bringing in the energy of love instead.

A study has suggested that there is a strong correlation between mindfulness and marital satisfaction.

Moreover, an examination of two studies also revealed that mindfulness leads to greater capacities to respond constructively to relationship stress and positive pre- and postconflict change in perception of the relationship.

Every relationship, when you add mindfulness, has the potential to be a transformative journey towards wholeness. Bringing mindfulness into your partnership offers the kind of intimacy and connection that we all want.

What does it look like to be the mindful couple?

A mindful couple realizes that the way they trigger each other has something to do with their childhood wounds or wounds from a previous relationship.

This awareness fuels curiosity and care about how they can show up to help in the awareness and healing of those wounds.

A mindful couple places the needs and desires of one another as a priority and sets out to meet those needs without expecting anything in return.

A mindful couple accepts and respects differences between them. Rather than ‘rallying against,’ these differences are seen as sources that will enrich and expand the relationship.

A mindful couple always addresses needs directly with each other, rather than going outside and complaining to friends and family or sitting and sulking or, worse yet, attacking.

A mindful couple realizes that anger is a result of pain and becomes more curious and compassionate rather than defensive and reactive, with each other and with themselves.

A mindful couple learns to take responsibility in all breakdowns, even if on the surface it appears to be their partner’s fault.

They always want to know what they did to provoke their partner, even if on the surface it appears to be the other’s fault. Both partners make repairing a priority.

A mindful couple is always extending themselves outside of the relationship to support their partner’s cares, including friends, family, or the world at large.

A mindful couple understands that true beauty in life happens in the present moment and avoids ruminating about the past or worrying about the future.

They help each other bring lightness and love to every moment, especially when times get challenging.

Probably the most important skill for a Mindful Couple is deep listening… the ability to ask questions, to find out the perspective of the other, to validate even in the face of disagreement, and to empathize, to really put yourself in the other’s shoes.

Only from this perspective can a path toward more love and connection have the capacity to emerge.

To become a mindful couple and have a mindful marriage is an ever-evolving journey, not a destination. It’s a commitment that not all couples will make.

The Course of Miracles states that whatever is before you is your highly individualized curriculum.

For some, it’s just too much effort and works to be using your relationship as an opportunity for growth and development.

However, for those who choose to make a mindful marriage, there are many rewards to be gained. We see couples transform from angry and disconnected to loving, joyful, and connected.

Should you choose this journey, we say… enjoy… for it is truly a beautiful and rewarding one. We see it every day with our clients, and we experience it in our own lives.

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Craig Lambert Marriage & Family Therapist

Craig Lambert is a marriage counselor in San Diego with over 30 years of experience dedicated to helping couples rekindle their love, deepen their intimacy and strengthen communication.  Craig is proud to incorporate Imago therapy into his work as a marriage counselor in San Diego. Craig is... Read more also an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) certified practitioner which, paired with his Imago background, sets him apart as someone who has deeply integrated the two highest forms of respected therapy to provide his clients with the most effective techniques available. Read less

(Craig Lambert is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in San Diego)

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When you and your partner talk about something important…

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Our discussions sometimes spiral or end unresolved

It’s hard to feel close because our physical intimacy hasn’t felt strong lately

We often see things differently about goals or priorities

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