Another unmindful response would be to go outside the relationship. In both scenarios, the mindset is, You are wrong, and I am right. I want more sex, and you should, too, or at least accommodate me.
The foundation of mindfulness is infused with the energy of love and includes kindness, generosity, curiosity, empathy, validation, openness, acceptance, flexibility, forgiveness, and lightness.
A mindful response means communicating our needs in a calm and loving way without criticism, shame, or blame.
This may sound like:
I love making love with you more than anything in the world. It makes me feel connected and safe and reminds me of how beautiful a connection we have.
It’s hard for me when we have sex less than twice a month because we get so busy and stressed out with work and the baby.
I would love to make love more often, and I’m not sure how to go about it because I know you are stressed out too. What ideas do you have on this?
A mindful marriage will always involve leaving behind judgment, reactivity, and attachment to a particular outcome, and bringing in the energy of love instead.
A study has suggested that there is a strong correlation between mindfulness and marital satisfaction.
Moreover, an examination of two studies also revealed that mindfulness leads to greater capacities to respond constructively to relationship stress and positive pre- and postconflict change in perception of the relationship.
Every relationship, when you add mindfulness, has the potential to be a transformative journey towards wholeness. Bringing mindfulness into your partnership offers the kind of intimacy and connection that we all want.
They always want to know what they did to provoke their partner, even if on the surface it appears to be the other’s fault. Both partners make repairing a priority.
A mindful couple is always extending themselves outside of the relationship to support their partner’s cares, including friends, family, or the world at large.
A mindful couple understands that true beauty in life happens in the present moment and avoids ruminating about the past or worrying about the future.
They help each other bring lightness and love to every moment, especially when times get challenging.
Probably the most important skill for a Mindful Couple is deep listening… the ability to ask questions, to find out the perspective of the other, to validate even in the face of disagreement, and to empathize, to really put yourself in the other’s shoes.
Only from this perspective can a path toward more love and connection have the capacity to emerge.
To become a mindful couple and have a mindful marriage is an ever-evolving journey, not a destination. It’s a commitment that not all couples will make.
The Course of Miracles states that whatever is before you is your highly individualized curriculum.
For some, it’s just too much effort and works to be using your relationship as an opportunity for growth and development.
However, for those who choose to make a mindful marriage, there are many rewards to be gained. We see couples transform from angry and disconnected to loving, joyful, and connected.
Should you choose this journey, we say… enjoy… for it is truly a beautiful and rewarding one. We see it every day with our clients, and we experience it in our own lives.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Craig Lambert is a marriage counselor in San Diego with over 30 years of experience dedicated to helping couples rekindle their love, deepen their intimacy and strengthen communication. Craig is proud to incorporate Imago therapy into his work as a marriage counselor in San Diego. Craig is also an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) certified practitioner which, paired with his Imago background, sets him apart as someone who has deeply integrated the two highest forms of respected therapy to provide his clients with the most effective techniques available.