Spiritual Abuse in Marriage: Signs, Effects & Ways to Heal

Abuse in marriage can take many forms, each leaving deep scars on the individuals involved. 

While physical and emotional abuse are often recognized, there’s another insidious type that lurks in the shadows: spiritual abuse in marriage. 

It’s a betrayal not only of trust but of faith, leaving the victim feeling isolated, confused, and deeply wounded.

Have you ever questioned whether your partner’s use of religious teachings felt more like a means of control than a source of support? 

If so, you’re not alone. This article is here to help you understand religious abuse in marriage, recognize its signs, and guide you toward healing.

Let’s explore the signs, effects, and steps to reclaim your spiritual and emotional well-being.

What is spiritual abuse in marriage?

Spiritual abuse occurs when a person uses religion or other spiritual beliefs to exert control or power over another person. This can occur within the context of churches or be a form of abuse in personal relationships.

Spiritual abuse in marriage occurs when one spouse twists religious beliefs and spiritual practices, using them as tools to manipulate, control, and dominate the other partner. 

Religious abuse by parents is also a possibility, and this may set a person up to be a victim of spiritual abuse within their marriage when they reach adulthood.

What does spiritual manipulation of a spouse mean?

Spiritual manipulation involves using religious beliefs or spiritual practices to control, guilt, or dominate a spouse. It’s when faith is twisted into a tool for power, making one partner feel inferior or compelled to submit under the guise of spiritual authority.

What are the examples of spiritual abuse?

An example of marital spiritual abuse can be using religious doctrines or scripture to convince the spouse to behave in a certain way. For instance, a spouse may cite a passage from the Bible or another religious text that they believe compels the other spouse to obey their authority. 

7 warning signs of spiritual abuse within a marriage

So how do you know if you are a victim of spiritual or religious abuse in your marriage? The five warning signs below can point to this form of abuse. You can use it as a spiritual abuse checklist to gauge whether you may be a victim within your marriage. 

1. Coerces you into sex using religious doctrines for support

You are likely a victim of marital religious abuse if your spouse manipulates you into sex by using religious doctrines to convince you that you must engage in this activity with them. 

For instance, if you are ill or simply not in the mood for sexual intimacy, your partner may claim that the Bible states it is your duty as a wife to have sex whenever you’re asked.

Alternatively, your spouse may cite your marital vows as evidence that you must give in to all of their demands for sex, or they may convince you that others in your religious community agree with their stance. 

Ultimately, you may feel pressured to comply because you don’t want to violate your religious values.

2. Using religious texts to justify abuse

Religious abuse can involve using religious texts or beliefs to justify abusive behavior. For instance, a spouse who calls names or is physically violent may state that they are punishing you, in line with what is called for in religious texts.

Or, they may convince you that you deserve abusive behavior because you have not been a good spouse or failed to fulfill your spousal duties as outlined in religious doctrines. 

3. Forcing you to follow their belief system

Having similar values, including shared religious beliefs, can benefit a marriage; however, your spouse should not force you to adhere to their religious convictions. 

Perhaps you and your spouse belonged to different churches or religious denominations before marriage, but now that you’re married, your spouse demands that you follow their belief system.

In this case, spiritual abuse in marriage may take the form of your spouse insisting that you convert to their religion or threatening to withhold affection or resources if you do not comply. They may also shame or put you down for adhering to a different religious doctrine than they do.

4. Instilling fear through religion 

A spouse who uses religious or spiritual abuse tactics may try to intimidate or scare you into complying with their demands by using religion to support their viewpoints. 

For instance, they may accuse you of committing sins if you do not comply with their wishes, or they may shame you into believing you’ll be seen as immoral in the religious community.

Signs of spiritual manipulation can also lead you to believe that you’ll be ostracized, punished by the church community, or subjected to eternity in Hell if you do not change your behavior. 

5. They use religion to make you feel ashamed

Everyone makes mistakes, but in a marriage where there is spiritual abuse, you are likely to be made to feel unworthy for the slightest mistake. 

A spiritual abuser may become enraged if your behavior is less than perfect, and they’ll use religious doctrines to shame you and make you feel even more inferior.

For instance, the spiritual abuser may not approve of how you dress and then cite religious texts as evidence to make you believe that you are somehow impure or worthy of contempt. 

6. Using spiritual beliefs to control behavior

Spiritual abuse examples often include controlling a spouse’s behavior by dictating what they can or cannot do based on religious beliefs. For instance, a spouse may restrict your social interactions, career choices, or hobbies by claiming that these activities are against religious teachings. 

They might use spiritual manipulation to make you believe that engaging in these activities would lead to divine punishment or social ostracization within the religious community. 

This control can extend to micromanaging daily activities and decisions, leading to a loss of personal autonomy.

7. Physical intimidation masked as religious correction

Is throwing something at someone abuse? Yes, it is, and in the context of spiritual abuse within a marriage, it can be justified under the guise of religious correction. 

For example, a spouse may throw objects, hit, or physically intimidate you while claiming that such actions are necessary to correct your behavior according to religious doctrines. This form of abuse can be masked as discipline, making you feel responsible for their violent actions. 

The abuser may further manipulate you by insisting that their behavior is a form of divine punishment or correction, leaving you fearful and ashamed.

Effects of religious or spiritual abuse on relationships

Being subjected to marital spiritual abuse can damage not only your marriage but also your mental health and overall social identity. 

First, the victims of religious or spiritual abuse may become distanced from their faith because they associate religion with abuse. They may shut themselves off from the rest of their religious community and even withdraw from friends because of the negative effects of religious abuse.

In addition, spiritual abuse in marriage can become quite distressing for the victimized spouse. They may struggle with guilt, low self-esteem, and feelings of worthlessness as they endure ongoing acts of abuse and put-downs from their spouse. 

Over time, this can lead to the development of mental health symptoms related to depression, anxiety, and trauma. 

Unfortunately, victims are often fearful of speaking out about spiritual abuse, which can lead to isolation and make the effects of abuse even more damaging. 

Victims can become so isolated that they begin to question their sanity. They may even blame themselves for the abuse or convince themselves that their spouse is correct about the victim’s shortcomings.

Ultimately, religious abuse victims may silence themselves because they think they will be negatively judged for speaking up, or they may even think religion justifies their abuse. This allows the cycle of abuse to go on, leading to worsened self-esteem, mental health, and well-being for the victim. 

In summary, victims of spiritual abuse are likely to experience the following negative effects:

• Confusion
• Distress
• Low self-esteem
• Guilt
• Feelings of worthlessness
• Isolation 
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Trauma symptoms, like nightmares, negative views of the world, and hypervigilance 

9 ways to heal from spiritual abuse in marriage

If you’ve been victimized by a perpetrator of religious or spiritual abuse, there are steps you can take to move toward healing:

1. Seek counseling or therapy

Working with a mental health professional like a therapist or counselor can help you to develop coping strategies and move forward from the negative effects of abuse. 

It may also be helpful to attend marital counseling as a couple so that your spouse can learn about the impact their behavior has on you and develop healthier ways of communicating and connecting within the marriage. 

How to start: Research local therapists or counseling services specializing in spiritual abuse or marriage counseling. Set up an initial consultation to discuss your needs and see if it’s a good fit.

2. Turn to support in the church

Talking with a trusted pastor, church leader, or group within your church can give you the support you need to challenge your spouse’s abusive behaviors. Knowing that church leaders are aware of their behavior can prompt your spouse to make positive changes.

If you’re fearful of opening up to others, a trusted church member can be your first step in gaining the support and confidence you need to stand up against spiritual abuse in your marriage. 

How to start: Identify a church leader or trusted member who you feel comfortable speaking with. Schedule a private meeting to discuss your concerns and seek their guidance.

3. Attend a support group

There are available support groups for victims of spousal abuse. Contact your local mental health center, hospital, or community center to learn about support groups. In many cases, these groups are confidential, and they can connect you with others who are facing similar struggles. 

How to start: Look up local support groups online or ask your therapist for recommendations. Attend a session to see if it meets your needs for support and connection.

4. Practice self-care

Being subjected to ongoing spiritual abuse can create distress and trauma symptoms, so it’s important to care for yourself. 

You can begin to heal by caring for yourself with a healthy diet and regular exercise. Find activities you enjoy, and make time for them throughout your week. 

Your spouse may have led you to believe that it’s selfish or unholy to take time for yourself, but you’re better able to care for your family when you care for yourself first. 

Incorporating healthy activities and those that bring joy into your routine can be an important part of the healing process. 

How to start: Choose one self-care activity that brings you joy or relaxation, such as a walk in nature or reading a good book. Schedule this activity into your week, and commit to making it a regular part of your routine.

Watch this helpful video to learn the true meaning of self-care:

5. Contact your local domestic violence shelter

Local domestic violence shelters provide comfort, safety, and resources if you are unsafe in your marriage. You can contact a shelter anytime for resources, including assistance with safety planning and emergency housing. 

If you’re fearful that your spouse may find out about the call, consider borrowing a phone from a trusted friend or relative.

Alternatively, you can visit the website of the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support. The website allows you to quickly leave the page, if necessary for your safety, by pressing a large “X” button in the corner of the screen. 

Sometimes, you and your partner can heal from spiritual abuse together and develop a healthier, more fulfilling marriage. Perhaps your spouse grew up witnessing religious or spiritual abuse and simply needs support and intervention to help them change their thinking patterns. 

On the other hand, if your spouse refuses to change abusive behaviors, you may need to consider whether it’s time to leave the marriage. Regardless of what your religious doctrines tell you, marriage is not intended to be a breeding ground for abuse and violence. 

If you leave an abusive marriage for your physical and emotional safety, you are not immoral or otherwise worthy of contempt. 

How to start: Find the contact information for your local domestic violence shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Keep this information in a safe place, and reach out to them when you feel ready.

6. Reconnect with your spirituality

Healing from spiritual abuse can involve reclaiming your personal spirituality in a way that feels empowering and supportive. This might include exploring spiritual practices that resonate with you, such as meditation, prayer, or spending time in nature. 

By focusing on your own spiritual growth and well-being, you can rebuild your sense of self and find peace. 

It’s important to recognize the positive aspects of your spirituality and differentiate them from the harmful practices you’ve experienced. Look for spiritual signs someone is talking about you or thinking positively about you to reinforce a sense of community and support.

How to start: Identify a spiritual practice that brings you comfort and peace. Dedicate time each day or week to engage in this practice, allowing yourself to reconnect with your inner self.

7. Educate yourself about spiritual abuse

Understanding what spiritual abuse entails can be a crucial step in healing. Educate yourself about the signs and tactics of spiritual abuse to recognize and validate your experiences. 

This knowledge can empower you to set boundaries and protect yourself from further harm. Learn about the concept of being spiritually oppressed and how it can manifest in different contexts. By becoming aware of these dynamics, you can better navigate your healing journey and seek appropriate resources and support. 

Additionally, remember that seeking a spiritual marriage is not a sin, and finding a healthy, supportive spiritual community can aid in your recovery.

How to start: Start by reading articles or books on spiritual abuse to deepen your understanding. Join online forums or communities where you can learn from others’ experiences and share your own.

8. Establish personal boundaries

One of the crucial steps in healing from spiritual abuse is setting clear, firm boundaries to protect your well-being. These boundaries might include limiting discussions on religious matters that trigger emotional distress or creating space for your own spiritual practices without interference. 

Boundaries help you regain control and ensure that your voice is heard and respected.

How to start: Begin by identifying areas in your relationship where you feel most vulnerable. Communicate your boundaries clearly with your spouse, and don’t be afraid to enforce them when needed.

9. Build a new support network

Healing often requires a fresh perspective, which can come from connecting with individuals outside your immediate religious community. This might mean finding support in secular spaces or other faith-based communities that align with your values. 

Surrounding yourself with supportive, understanding people can help you rebuild your sense of trust and self-worth.

How to start: Reach out to local groups or online communities that focus on healing from abuse. Attend a few meetings or events to see where you feel most comfortable and supported.

For healing and growth

Spiritual abuse is a deeply wounding experience that can fracture a marriage and shatter the victim’s sense of self. When religion is twisted into a tool of control, it not only stifles the relationship but also leaves lasting emotional scars. 

Yet, it’s important to recognize that this form of abuse is just as serious as any other, deserving of the same attention and action.

The journey to healing begins with acknowledging that spiritual abuse is a violation of your dignity and rights. No one should have their faith used against them, nor should they suffer in silence. 

Help is within reach, whether through individual therapy or couples counseling, and taking that step is a courageous move toward reclaiming your life.

Know that seeking support is not a sign of weakness but a declaration of your worth. You deserve a relationship built on mutual respect, love, and true spiritual connection.

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Jennifer Schulz LCSW

Dr. Jenni Schulz is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she earned her Doctorate of Philosophy in Psychology from National University. She has worked in the social work field for 14 years and is currently a professor at Ashland University.... Read more She writes website content about mental health, addiction, and fitness. Dr. Schulz is licensed as both a social worker through Ohio Board of Counselors, Social Workers, and Marriage/Family Therapists and a school social worker through Ohio Department of Education. She currently works primarily as a crisis therapist at her local hospital and jail, while engaging in mental health consulting virtually. Read less

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