21 Signs of a Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist

Have you ever asked your partner what’s wrong, only to hear, “I’m fine,” despite knowing something is off? Or received a sarcastic “Good for you” when sharing good news? 

These examples highlight passive-aggressive behavior, a subtle yet damaging communication style. At times, it can even reflect deeper personality traits, such as those seen in a covert passive-aggressive narcissist—someone who expresses resentment indirectly while avoiding responsibility. 

Recognizing signs of a covert passive-aggressive narcissist is essential, as this behavior can erode trust over time. Rather than addressing frustrations openly, these individuals resort to sarcasm, guilt-tripping, or dismissiveness, leaving their partners confused and emotionally drained. 

If left unchecked, passive-aggressive communication can foster resentment and emotional distance, creating cracks in even the strongest relationships.

What is a covert passive-aggressive narcissist?

A covert passive-aggressive narcissist is a person who craves admiration and importance but hides those desires behind a facade of vulnerability and self-deprecation. They are deeply insecure and hypersensitive to criticism, yet they feel entitled to special treatment and resent those who achieve more than them. 

Instead of bragging or being openly grandiose, they express their narcissism through subtle manipulation, playing the victim, and making others feel guilty or inadequate. 

They may sulk, give the silent treatment, or make snide comments to undermine others. This behavior allows them to maintain a sense of superiority while avoiding direct confrontation.   

21 signs of a covert passive-aggressive narcissist

A covert passive-aggressive narcissist can be challenging to identify because their behaviors are subtle, indirect, and emotionally draining. Unlike overt narcissists, these individuals use manipulation disguised as modesty or sarcasm to control relationships. 

Such behaviors often leave victims feeling confused, undermined, or emotionally exhausted. Recognizing the signs of this behavior is crucial for maintaining healthy boundaries and protecting your emotional well-being in relationships. Here are some of these signs:

1. Manipulative behavior  

Covert passive-aggressive narcissists are masters of indirect manipulation. Instead of open control, they use subtle tactics like guilt-tripping or playing the victim to achieve their goals. This allows them to maintain plausible deniability while influencing others to do their bidding. Such tactics give the appearance of innocence, leaving the victim questioning their own perceptions and actions.

• For example: A partner cancels plans, saying, “You probably wouldn’t have had fun anyway.” This leaves the other person feeling guilty for being disappointed while excusing the manipulative behavior.

2. Victim mentality  

These narcissists frequently adopt a victim role to avoid accountability. By presenting themselves as unfairly treated or misunderstood, they manipulate others into offering sympathy and support. This victim complex is designed to shift focus away from their actions, ensuring they never take responsibility for the harm they cause while reinforcing their sense of entitlement.

• For example: During a disagreement, the narcissist says, “You always blame me for everything. No one ever understands how hard it is for me.” This shifts the focus from their behavior to gaining sympathy.

3. Sarcasm disguised as humor  

A covert passive-aggressive narcissist often uses sarcasm to criticize others under the guise of humor. These comments seem lighthearted but carry an underlying sting that leaves the recipient feeling inadequate or belittled. Because these remarks are framed as jokes, it becomes difficult to challenge them without appearing overly sensitive or defensive.

• For example: When a friend succeeds at something, they comment, “Wow, even you managed to pull that off? That’s impressive.” It sounds like a compliment but undermines the friend’s achievement.

4. Silent treatment  

The silent treatment is a classic passive-aggressive tactic. Rather than engaging in constructive communication, the narcissist withdraws emotionally to punish others. This tactic forces the victim to seek reconciliation, placing the narcissist in a position of power without ever needing to express their own feelings openly. It fosters an unhealthy dynamic of control through emotional withdrawal.

• For example: After a minor disagreement, the narcissist avoids speaking for days without explanation. When asked what’s wrong, they respond with, “If you don’t know, why should I tell you?”

5. Playing the victim in conflicts  

When confronted, these narcissists deflect blame by portraying themselves as victims. Even when they instigate conflict, they manipulate the narrative to make it seem as though they were the ones hurt or misunderstood. This tactic shifts attention away from their actions and places the emotional burden on others to make amends.

• For example: When confronted about a hurtful remark, they say, “I was just trying to help, but I guess I can’t do anything right in your eyes.” This guilt-trips the other person into apologizing.

6. Backhanded compliments  

Backhanded compliments are a common tool used to subtly undermine others. Statements like, “You’re surprisingly good at that for someone your age,” seem positive but contain an implicit criticism. 

• For example: They tell someone who has lost weight, “You finally look decent now—good for you!” While seeming encouraging, the comment insinuates the person wasn’t good enough before.

7. Gaslighting techniques  

Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic where the narcissist distorts reality to make others question their perceptions. They may deny events that occurred or dismiss legitimate concerns as overreactions. Over time, the victim becomes dependent on the narcissist’s version of reality, giving them significant emotional control.

• For example: If called out for not following through on promises, they respond, “I never said I’d do that. You must have imagined it.” This tactic makes the other person doubt their memory.

8. Self-absorption  

A covert passive-aggressive narcissist is deeply self-centered, often steering conversations back to themselves. They quickly lose interest if a discussion doesn’t serve their interests and show little concern for others’ experiences or emotions. Their interactions are emotionally draining, as they leave no space for genuine connection.

• For example: During a conversation about someone else’s problems, the narcissist interrupts, “Anyway, let me tell you what happened to me last week.” They immediately steer the conversation back to themselves.

9. Withdrawn nature and emotional unavailability  

These individuals are often introverted and emotionally distant. They avoid meaningful connections to protect themselves from vulnerability. As a result, they struggle to build lasting relationships, preferring to maintain an emotional barrier that keeps others at a distance. Their emotional unavailability reinforces the imbalance in their relationships, leaving their partners feeling isolated.

• For example: When asked about their feelings, they reply, “I don’t like talking about emotions; it’s pointless.” This creates emotional distance and leaves others feeling disconnected.

10. Feeling superior while appearing modest  

Covert passive-aggressive narcissists maintain a veneer of humility while harboring a belief in their superiority. They act as though certain tasks or people are beneath them, which subtly reinforces their sense of entitlement. While they may not boast openly, their actions reveal an underlying sense of self-importance that alienates others over time.

• For example: When praised for an accomplishment, they say, “Oh, it was nothing. I’m just lucky I can do what others can’t.” They appear humble but subtly reinforce their superiority.

11. Lack of empathy  

Empathy is notably absent in these narcissists. While they may exhibit superficial empathy when it benefits them, they show little genuine concern for others’ emotions or well-being. Are narcissists passive-aggressive by nature? 

In many cases, they are using their lack of empathy to justify emotionally manipulative behaviors. This emotional disconnect ensures that relationships revolve around the narcissist’s needs, leaving little room for mutual care.

• For example: A friend shares that they are struggling emotionally, but the narcissist responds with, “Everyone has problems. You just have to tough it out like I do.” Their focus remains on themselves, dismissing the other person’s feelings.

12. Stubbornness in communication or behavior  

These individuals exhibit passive resistance by being intentionally stubborn or rigid. They rarely make compromises, frustrating others in subtle ways. This form of narcissist passive-aggressive behavior allows them to maintain a sense of control without engaging in direct confrontation.  

• For example: When asked to compromise on plans, they insist on doing things their way, despite acknowledging that the alternative could be more enjoyable for everyone.

13. Playing the victim to manipulate emotions  

Covert narcissists frequently play the victim, seeking sympathy or absolving themselves of accountability. This type of passive narcissism fosters confusion by making others feel guilty or responsible for their problems. Such tactics manipulate emotions to maintain an upper hand in relationships.  

• For example: They frequently say things like, “Nobody understands what I’m going through,” to garner sympathy from friends, diverting attention from their own responsibility in situations.

14. Sabotaging others subtly  

Rather than openly confronting someone, a covert passive-aggressive narcissist undermines projects or relationships through small, deliberate actions. They may withhold help, fail to meet expectations, or leak damaging information strategically. This makes others feel unsupported or betrayed without understanding the source of the conflict.  

• For example: They might “forget” to share crucial information that could help a colleague succeed, leaving them in a bind while appearing innocent when questioned.

15. Chronic procrastination and avoidance  

By delaying tasks or withholding essential information, covert narcissists create hurdles for others, especially when they feel threatened by someone else’s success. This passive-aggressive pattern serves as a power play and is common in passive narcissism. It maintains control while appearing non-confrontational.  

• For example: They repeatedly delay completing joint projects, claiming they are busy with other tasks, effectively forcing others to pick up the slack.

16. Giving backhanded compliments  

Covert narcissists are masters at giving compliments laced with hidden insults. For instance, they might say, “You’ve done well for someone with your background,” subtly undermining their target’s accomplishments. These remarks are a hallmark of covert passive-aggressive narcissist traits, causing the recipient to second-guess their self-worth.  

• For example: They say, “I’m surprised you did so well on that presentation,” implying that they didn’t expect you to succeed at all.

17. Feigning ignorance or helplessness  

They may pretend not to understand tasks or responsibilities, forcing others to do their work. This manipulation, part of narcissist passive-aggressive behavior, allows them to avoid accountability while subtly controlling others. By acting incapable, they also reinforce the notion that others must constantly accommodate them.  

• For example: When asked to do a simple task, they act confused and claim they don’t know how to do it, expecting others to step in and help.

18. Punishing others with the silent treatment  

Instead of addressing issues openly, a covert passive-aggressive narcissist uses silence as a weapon. The silent treatment creates emotional discomfort and leaves the other person guessing about what went wrong. This punishment serves to maintain emotional control over the victim.  

• For example: After an argument, they stop talking altogether, leaving you feeling anxious and uncertain about how to resolve the conflict.

19. Making passive-aggressive jokes  

Sarcasm and veiled criticisms disguised as humor are common with covert narcissists. These jokes carry hostility, but when confronted, the narcissist dismisses concerns by saying, “I was just kidding.” This behavior exemplifies the subtleties of narcissist passive-aggressive manipulation, allowing them to undermine others without direct blame.  

• For example: They might joke, “Well, at least you tried your best,” after you fail at something, which diminishes your effort while sounding harmless.

20. Refusing to celebrate others’ achievements  

When others achieve something significant, covert narcissists respond with disinterest or dismissal. They may downplay accomplishments to protect their sense of superiority. This is a defining element of covert passive-aggressive narcissist traits, which revolve around diminishing others to safeguard their fragile egos.  

• For example: When you share good news about a promotion, they respond with indifference or change the subject to their own problems, sidelining your success.

21. Exhibiting selective empathy  

While they may seem empathetic toward certain people or causes, this empathy is often conditional and self-serving. 

They use selective empathy strategically to enhance their image or extract favors but show no genuine concern when empathy offers them no personal gain. This form of emotional manipulation is typical in passive narcissism, which prioritizes personal interests above meaningful connections.  

• For example: They show concern when a friend is facing difficulties but become dismissive or indifferent when someone else in the group is struggling, highlighting their self-serving nature.

How to deal with a covert passive-aggressive narcissist: X tips

Dealing with a relationship with a covert passive-aggressive narcissist can be emotionally taxing. These individuals often exhibit manipulative behavior while maintaining a façade of innocence. 

Understanding how to effectively deal with them is crucial for preserving your emotional health and maintaining a sense of control in the relationship. Here are several strategies to help you manage these difficult interactions:  

1. Recognize the behavior 

Understanding the signs of passive-aggressive narcissism is crucial. Covert narcissists often use indirect means to express their discontent. They might sulk, make sarcastic remarks, or use guilt to manipulate. By recognizing these patterns, you can better anticipate their behavior and prepare yourself emotionally.  

• Start with this: Keep a journal to document specific instances of passive-aggressive behavior. Note the context, what was said, and how it made you feel. This practice will help you identify patterns over time and reinforce your understanding of their behavior.

2. Set clear boundaries  

Establish firm boundaries regarding acceptable behavior and communication. Clearly articulate your limits, and be consistent in enforcing them. If the covert passive-aggressive narcissist crosses these boundaries, calmly remind them of the limits you’ve set. This practice protects your emotional well-being and discourages manipulative tactics.  

• Start with this: Write down your boundaries regarding acceptable behavior and communication. Share these boundaries with the narcissist in a calm moment and ask for their agreement. This formalizes the expectations and gives you a reference point to return to if they cross a line.

3. Stay assertive  

Practice assertiveness when communicating with a covert passive-aggressive narcissist. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs directly without blame. For example, say, “I feel uncomfortable when you make those comments.” This approach helps you convey your perspective while minimizing defensiveness in the other person.  

• Start with this: Prepare a few “I” statements in advance that express your feelings. For example, “I feel uncomfortable when you make those comments.” Practice saying them aloud to increase your confidence in using them during conversations.

4. Don’t engage in their games  

Covert narcissists often thrive on manipulation and drama. Refuse to engage in their games or respond to their passive-aggressive remarks. Instead, maintain a calm and neutral demeanor. This lack of reaction can frustrate them, as they seek validation through emotional responses.  

• Start with this: Create a mental checklist of responses that help you disengage when the narcissist makes passive-aggressive remarks. For example, practice saying, “I won’t engage with that,” or simply smile and change the subject to something neutral.

5. Document your interactions  

Keep a record of your interactions, especially if the behavior becomes harmful. This documentation can be useful if you need to address the situation with others or seek professional help. Having a clear account of events can validate your feelings and experiences, making it easier to assert your boundaries.  

• Start with this: Set a reminder to review your interactions weekly. This could be a simple note on your phone or calendar. After each week, summarize any significant events or conversations that concern you and keep them organized for future reference.

6. Practice self-care  

Caring for your emotional and mental well-being is essential when dealing with a covert passive-aggressive narcissist. Engage in activities that promote relaxation and joy, and surround yourself with supportive people. Prioritize self-care to replenish your emotional reserves and reduce the impact of their behavior on your life.  

• Start with this: Schedule regular “me time” in your week. Whether it’s a hobby, exercise, or quiet time, treat it like an important appointment. Use this time to recharge and engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation.

To learn more about how to re-train your brain with self-care, watch this video:

7. Seek professional support  

If interactions with a covert passive-aggressive narcissist become overwhelming, consider seeking professional guidance. A therapist can help you navigate the complexities of the relationship, providing strategies to cope effectively. Professional support can also help you build resilience and strengthen your emotional health.  

• Start with this: Research therapists who specialize in relationships or narcissistic abuse. Make a list of potential therapists and schedule initial consultations. This proactive approach will help you find someone who fits your needs and can provide the support you require.

8. Consider the relationship’s value  

Evaluate the overall value of the relationship in your life. If the negative impact outweighs the benefits, it may be time to reconsider your involvement. Prioritize relationships that foster positivity and support, and be willing to distance yourself from those that consistently bring you distress.  

• Start with this: Create a pros and cons list of your relationship with the covert passive-aggressive narcissist. Assess the emotional toll versus the positive aspects. This exercise can help clarify your feelings and guide your decision about the future of the relationship.  

Conclusion

If you encounter passive-aggressive behavior in your relationship, take action now—don’t ignore it. Open, honest communication is essential for building trust and preventing emotional damage.

Unaddressed passive aggression can spiral into deeper patterns, especially if one partner exhibits traits of a covert passive-aggressive narcissist or struggles with underlying issues like narcissistic passive-aggressive personality disorder. 

By identifying these behaviors early and responding constructively, you create opportunities for mutual understanding and growth. 

Remember, a healthy relationship thrives on transparency and respect. Encourage your partner to express feelings directly, set clear boundaries, and, if necessary, seek professional support. Transforming passive-aggressive communication takes effort, but it paves the way for a stronger, more connected partnership where both individuals feel valued and understood.