How to Respond to Triangulation in Relationships: 6 Ways

Imagine being in a relationship where you feel constantly confused, as if you’re always in the middle of someone else’s drama. 

One moment, your partner is telling you one thing, and the next, they’re turning to a friend or family member to express the opposite. This is an example of triangulation in relationships, a manipulative tactic where a third party is introduced to influence or control the dynamics between two people.

Triangulating behavior often leaves the person targeted feeling isolated and powerless, as it undermines direct communication and trust. 

If you’ve ever been caught in such a situation, understanding what triangulation is and how to cope with it is crucial to maintaining a healthy, balanced relationship. Let’s explore how you can handle this toxic dynamic.

What is triangulation in a relationship?

Triangulation in a relationship occurs when a third person is brought into a two-person relationship to reduce tension or avoid direct conflict. 

It’s a dysfunctional communication pattern where one person might confide in the third party about their issues with the other, forming an unhealthy alliance. This can create emotional distance and instability, as problems aren’t addressed directly between the two people involved. 

While seeking external support can be healthy, triangulation aims to manipulate the situation or gain leverage, often leaving one partner feeling isolated and the third party burdened.

5 signs of triangulation in relationships

Triangulation in relationships is a manipulative tactic that can cause confusion, insecurity, and mistrust. It involves bringing a third party into the dynamics of a relationship to manipulate or control the outcome of situations, often leaving the person targeted by triangulation feeling isolated. 

Recognizing the signs of triangulation early can help you take steps to protect your emotional well-being. Here are some of them:

1. Being kept in the dark  

One partner deliberately withholds information from the other and involves a third person to communicate or deliver messages. This creates confusion and prevents direct communication, leaving you in the dark about key issues. 

The lack of transparency is a common trait in triangulation in relationships, where information is filtered through a third party to maintain control over the narrative.

2. Conflicting stories  

You might receive different versions of the same story from your partner and the third party involved. This inconsistency causes confusion and makes it difficult for you to discern the truth, leading to trust issues and doubt in the relationship. 

These conflicting stories often make the targeted person feel like they are being manipulated, which is common in triangulation in marriage.

3. Indirect communication  

Instead of speaking directly to you, your partner uses a third party to express concerns or complaints. This indirect communication allows them to avoid confrontation while putting the third person in an awkward position, leaving you feeling sidelined and excluded from important conversations. 

This tactic can make you feel like you’re not important enough to communicate with directly.

4. Playing the victim  

Triangulation often involves one partner playing the victim by sharing their grievances with a third party instead of addressing them with you. This creates sympathy and shifts the focus away from the actual issue, making it harder for you to challenge their version of events. 

By positioning themselves as the victim, they can manipulate the third party’s perception of the situation.

5. Exclusion  

Your partner might intentionally leave you out of discussions or decisions, relying on the third party to make choices or offer advice. This exclusion makes you feel disconnected and unimportant, increasing the emotional distance in the relationship and furthering the manipulative behavior. This tactic makes you question your place in the relationship, fueling feelings of inadequacy.

Some examples of Triangulation

It is not enough to recognize the signs of triangulation in relationships; learning how they can show up is important. You might face a case of toxic triangulation, and knowing how to find your way out is crucial. 

Here are some examples of triangulation abuse in different types of relationships.

1. Parents and children

If a narcissistic parent has children, you can easily detect when a triangulation relationship is in play. 

For example, a narcissistic parent might employ strategies to put the child in a situation where they have to choose between both parents. 

The other parent might get frustrated and quit the relationship. Also, the narcissistic parent can apply emotional triangulation to buy the child’s love. 

For instance, they can permit the child to do things the other parent has abhorred. When this happens repeatedly, the child will be drawn to the parent that permits them to do what they want. 

In a single-parent setting, the narcissistic parent can also make the child or children believe that the partner who left is at fault. Overall, the goal of the manipulative parent is to create an atmosphere in the home where they are in control and never at fault.

2. Romantic relationships

Narcissists often use triangulation in relationships to exert control over their partners. It is quite uncommon to see narcissists use physical means of abuse or violence because they want their partner to do their bidding.

Rather, they revert to manipulative means like triangulation, gaslighting, etc., to put their partner in check. 

For instance, they can tell their partner that their ex is trying to get back with them. Then, they try to use this information to their advantage for their partner to get scared that they might lose them probably. 

Also, a triangulation narcissist might be smart not to compare their partners with their ex to avoid conflicts directly. However, they will pass some comments that motivate their partners to work harder and perform better than their ex. 

If there is conflict in the relationship, the emotionally abusive partner will try to invite a third party and make them take their sides. So, even if their partner were not wrong, they would have to apologize for peace to reign and to protect their good name. 

3. In friendships

Triangulation in friendships is quite similar to what happens in romantic relationships. If there are a group of friends, the narcissist or manipulator may try to get everyone on their side for maximum support when there is a conflict. 

When they are not on good terms with someone, they may talk about them behind their backs to gain the needed alliance. 

Triangulation in relationships like friendships is often exploited to create rivalry among people. So, instead of directly communicating with someone, they will bring in a third party and force them to take their side.

How to respond to triangulation in relationships: 6 ways

Triangulation in relationships is a manipulative tactic that can cause confusion, emotional strain, and insecurity. It often involves a third party being used to influence or control the dynamics between two people. 

Whether in romantic relationships or friendships, understanding how to respond to triangulation is crucial for maintaining healthy communication and emotional well-being. Here are six effective ways to respond to triangulation when it arises in your relationship.

1. Set clear boundaries with the third party  

When triangulation occurs, it’s important to set firm boundaries with the third party. Politely but firmly communicate that you prefer direct communication with your partner rather than being caught in the middle. This reduces the third party’s role and prevents them from being used to manipulate you.

Boundaries empower you to protect yourself from being an unwilling participant in the manipulation.

2. Address the issue directly with your partner  

Triangulation thrives when there is a lack of direct communication. Instead of relying on the third party, talk openly with your partner about the situation. Express how it makes you feel and encourage transparency. 

Direct dialogue can help resolve misunderstandings and prevent further manipulation. It’s essential to communicate your concerns and encourage honesty in order to break the triangulation pattern.

To learn how to address conflict in a relationship directly, watch this video:

3. Stay calm and avoid emotional reactivity  

In the face of triangulation, it’s crucial to remain composed. Reacting emotionally can escalate the situation and feed into the manipulative dynamics. Take a moment to breathe, stay grounded, and assess the situation logically. 

By staying calm, you show that you’re in control and not easily manipulated. This helps prevent emotional outbursts that can fuel the manipulation.

4. Clarify the message with the third party  

If a third party is involved in triangulation, don’t be afraid to clear the air with them. Politely ask for clarification on what was said and express your preference for direct communication. 

Often, the third party is unaware of their role, and addressing it can stop the manipulation from continuing. This step helps prevent misunderstandings and ensures that your boundaries are respected.

5. Seek professional guidance  

Triangulation can be emotionally taxing and damaging to relationships. Seeking help from a therapist or counselor can provide strategies for coping with triangulation and understanding its underlying causes.

Therapy can also help build healthier communication patterns and teach both partners how to avoid manipulative behaviors in the future. A professional can provide tools to help manage emotions and rebuild trust in the relationship.

6. Strengthen your emotional independence  

Building emotional independence means not relying on your partner or third parties for validation or emotional stability. Cultivate self-confidence, set healthy boundaries, and make decisions based on your own well-being. 

The more emotionally grounded you are, the less susceptible you’ll be to triangulation and emotional manipulation. By fostering self-reliance, you reduce the impact that triangulation in romantic relationships can have on your emotional health.

Understanding why people triangulate and how to respond effectively to triangulation in relationships can help prevent these unhealthy dynamics from taking root. Whether you’re dealing with triangulation in romantic relationships or in friendships, it’s essential to recognize the signs and take proactive steps to protect your emotional well-being.

Is triangulation the same as emotional abuse?

Triangulation is one of the tools that some people use to inflict emotional abuse. 

When an individual experiences triangulation in relationships, it can expose them to experience other types of emotional abuse like guilt, living in denial, gaslighting, isolation, etc. Also, triangulation can cause unhealthy relationships and partnerships.

The abuser wants the victim to work hard so that they can gain their admiration or respect. This will enable the abuser to control or manipulate the victim for their gain.

The takeaway

If you find yourself caught in triangulation in relationships, it’s crucial to take immediate action to protect your emotional well-being. The triangular theory of love emphasizes that healthy relationships are built on trust, intimacy, and commitment, not manipulation or deceit. 

Triangulation, when left unaddressed, can erode these foundational aspects and leave you feeling confused, isolated, or controlled. It’s vital to set clear boundaries, communicate directly with your partner, and seek professional guidance if necessary. 

Don’t let triangulation undermine the strength of your connection. By taking steps to address the issue, you can restore balance and work towards a healthier, more secure relationship. Remember, your emotional health should always be a priority.