8 Thinking Errors in Communication and How to Avoid Them

Communication is one of the pillars and foundations of a strong relationship. Without proper communication, it may be challenging for a relationship or marriage to thrive. Before we dive into how thinking errors in communication negatively impact relationships, let’s clarify what is meant by a “thinking error.”

What are some common thinking errors?

What is the definition of thinking errors in communication? If you want to learn about the psychological exploration of thinking errors in communication, you’ll want to familiarize yourself with the names Aaron Beck and David Burns, both of whom you can learn more about here.

The simplified version is that thinking errors in communication, or cognitive distortions, are thought patterns that your brain uses as a shortcut to reach a conclusion. These thinking errors in communication present false stories and facts that make you feel bad. 

This is why it’s important to recognize when you rely on one, especially when communicating with your partner. Thinking errors in communication derail communication between you and your partner, turning conversations into an argument rather than helpful discussions.

Related Reading: 4 Common Communication Mistakes Most Couples Make

Want to know more about cognitive behaviors that lead to jumping to conclusions and labeling? Watch this video.

Types of thinking errors  

Here are a few types of thinking errors in communication and how they can impact your communication with your partner (you’ll notice that quite of few of them overlap).

1. Polarization

When you fall into polarized thinking, you think things are black and white. This often presents itself when someone makes judgments and decides whether something that happened was good or bad. 

When communicating with your partner, this type of thinking error doesn’t leave room for the situation’s complexities and easily shuts the conversation down. Remember, there are many sides to an issue or conversation, being willing to hear or share multiple perspectives allows for deeper communication.

2. Overgeneralization

This type of thinking error happens when you or someone else takes something that happened a few times and uses it to represent a pattern. Sound familiar? It happens all the time in relationships. You happen to come home late once, and suddenly, your partner is always saying (never/always statements can also fall under black and white thinking). 

Make sure that you and your partner are accurate with assessments of how many times something is happening, that way, both sides feel fairly seen and represented.

Related Reading: 12 Reasons Why Deep Thinkers Often Struggle in Relationships

3. Personalization

If you know the saying, don’t take things so personally, you are already familiar with this thinking error. Personalization refers to the inaccurate thought that something that happened has to do with you (and more often than not, you assume it reflects something negative about you). 

Maybe your partner forgot to text you back, and instead of assuming they were busy at work, you felt like you did something wrong and that they were mad at you. Most of the time, we get wrapped up in our thoughts and think others are paying the same amount of attention to us. 

When you find yourself doing this, or accusing someone of something, take a moment to think: is this really about me?

4. Filtering

Filtering is similar to polarization, where only good or bad are emphasized. You’ll notice this happens when you have a bad day. Of course, that’s the day you spill coffee on yourself AND stub your toe after forgetting about an important meeting.

The truth is: because you were in a bad mood, you noticed all of the bad things that happened. There were good things that happened during that day too. 

When you do this in relationships, you and your partner fail to recognize all sides of each other. When communicating, make sure you see the bad and the good in one another.

5. Jumping to conclusions

We all know what this one is: when you assume that you know exactly how the other person is thinking or feeling, assume that they know what you are thinking or feeling, or assume you know what will happen in the future. 

Usually, you are wrong. When you are having a conversation with your partner, you must take a moment to consider why you thought what you did. You aren’t a mind reader or a soothsayer, and neither is your partner. Step back, get present, and listen to each other without assuming the worst about one another or what the future holds. 

6. Maximizing/Minimizing

Maximizing/minimizing is a two-sided coin where neither is the better option. 

When you maximize, a small problem becomes a big problem. When you minimize, you downplay how big a problem something is (you can do both of these things with positive events, such as underplaying a significant achievement). In the realm of communication, minimizing and maximizing will get you nowhere. 

You and your partner need to be open, honest, and realistic about how problematic or exciting something is so you can handle it or celebrate it as needed.

7. Blaming

This one is simple: blaming is not taking responsibility for yourself. It’s also a problem in a relationship where both parties need to be willing to step up and hold themselves accountable. 

Blaming is a common thinking error that will get you nothing but a defensive reaction when expressed to your partner. Take a deep breath, consider your role in it, and move forward accordingly.

Related Reading: How to Deal With Someone Who Blames You for Everything

8. Emotional reasoning

Everyone is entitled to their feelings, and feelings aren’t facts. This common thinking error leads people to believe that it is true just because they have a thought or a feeling. Thoughts and feelings are complicated, and there are many driving factors behind their origin, so be wary of telling someone “I feel like…” and stating it like a fact. 

Dig behind the feelings to express why you are feeling that way. When you and your partner can communicate the whys behind your feelings, you have a better chance of understanding one another and communicating effectively.

Who cares about thinking errors in communication?

You do.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who minimized your upset or focused on all of the things you were doing wrong while not acknowledging how hard you were trying? It doesn’t feel good. 

It often feels like you are being attacked. Most of the time, these thinking errors in communication put you or your partner in a defense position. Once you or your partner communicate defensively, the conversation quickly spirals out of control.

To avoid defensive communication in relationships, you want to keep an eye out for those thinking errors in communication. When you notice them pop up, take a second to breathe and sort through your thoughts. You don’t want to come from a place of pure reaction.

Related Reading: The Key Components Of Communication In A Relationship

How to avoid thinking errors 

Here are some ways you can avoid thinking errors in communication. 

• Take a moment to remind yourself that you are good and assume others are trying their best as well (instead of assuming the worst of yourself and others)
• Use I statements (“I feel like you’re a jerk” does not count)
• Stop and listen to what the other person is saying (reflective listening is a great tool, check it out here)
• Know you will be wrong and don’t be afraid to admit it (no one likes Mr. Always Right.)

The bottom line

Be critical of your thoughts, recognize when you are relying on thinking errors in communication, and be intentional with what you and your partner are communicating.

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Heidi Schnakenberg Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

All relationships have their struggles and the only way to strengthen this intimate bond is to address whatever the struggles are rather than avoid them and let them build. I help couples learn communication skills and change unhealthy patterns that have crept into their union and created tension. My... Read more goal is to honor each partner's role in the union and help them develop authentic and genuine ways to meet their own needs as an individual as well as create healthier relational dynamics and patterns with their significant other. My mantra is: the grass is always greener where you water it.  Read less

(Heidi Schnakenberg is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in Colorado Springs)