Hypervigilance in Relationships: Symptoms, Causes & Ways to Curb

How often have you heard people say that they’re always in an “alert mode” in their close relationships? 

It’s understandable why someone might believe this to be true. After all, most of us have been told that being on guard is an important survival skill! 

But it turns out that hypervigilance in relationships can actually do a lot more harm than good when it comes to building and maintaining healthy relationships. 

Let’s take an example of a couple where one partner is hypervigilant. 

While discussing something that happened at work one day, the hypervigilant partner gets very upset and accuses their partner of making the whole thing up. 

In response, the other partner feels hurt and defensive. Later on, they try to make amends, but the hypervigilant partner brushes them off and continues with their accusations. 

This behavior on the part of the hypervigilant partner is actually causing them to alienate their partner and create a lot of negative tension in their relationship. 

So, let’s take a look at what hypervigilance really is and why it can be such a problem in relationships.

What is hypervigilance in a relationship?

If you’re not familiar with hypervigilant meaning, let’s start here. 

Hypervigilance is a term used to describe a heightened sense of awareness and vigilance. This can manifest in a person as an overreaction to their surroundings or as an excessive focus on specific things in the environment. 

When it comes to relationships, emotional hypervigilance can make it difficult for couples to truly relax and be open with one another. 

When one person in a relationship feels constantly vigilant and distrustful of their partner, it often leads to stress and resentment, which can only serve to undermine the relationship in the long run.

What are the symptoms of hypervigilance in relationships: 11 signs

Hypervigilance can make the person overly alert and on the lookout for danger. It’s common among people with anxiety and can lead to problems like overreacting to harmless things.

Below, we’ve listed 11 common signs of hypervigilance to help you better identify it and how it might affect you or your partner. Symptoms can include

1. Feeling like you’re always watching out for someone’s safety
2. Worrying a lot about your safety
3. Not being able to relax or be at ease
4. Having trouble sleeping at night
5. Constantly feeling tense, stressed, or on edge
6. Isolating yourself from friends and family members
7. Frequent anxiety or panic attacks
8. Drinking more alcohol than usual or taking drugs to try to relax
9. Easily startled by loud noises or unexpected events
10. Losing track of time because you feel constantly busy
11. Heightened sensitivity to changes in tone, body language, or minor relational cues.

What causes hypervigilance in relationships?

In relationships, hypervigilance can emerge like an overly cautious guardian, often rooted in personal experiences or anxieties. Let’s explore the aspects behind what causes this hyper-awareness

• Past trauma: Hypervigilance often stems from past emotional wounds or traumatic experiences, creating a heightened sensitivity to potential threats.
• Fear of abandonment: A deep-seated fear of being abandoned can trigger hypervigilance, leading to an intense need to monitor and safeguard the relationship.
• Insecurity: Underlying feelings of inadequacy or insecurity may drive the need for constant reassurance, fueling hypervigilant behaviors.
• Unresolved trust issues: Trust issues from past relationships or betrayals can contribute to a persistent need to monitor and scrutinize the current relationship.
• Anxiety disorders: General anxiety disorders or specific relationship-related anxieties can manifest as hypervigilance, amplifying the perceived need for constant vigilance and control.

What triggers hypervigilance in the relationship?

It can be difficult to find out what causes hypervigilance in a relationship. There are a few key factors that can contribute, including:

1. Changes in the environment

Changes in the environment or situation make the individual feel more exposed or threatened. 

For example, moving to a new location or changing jobs can be a significant source of stress in a relationship. 

This may happen because the person may no longer be familiar with their surroundings and may feel as though they no longer have the support network of friends and family that they previously had. 

This can lead to increased anxiety and a feeling of vulnerability which can trigger hypervigilance in an individual.

2. Past traumatic experiences

Past traumatic experiences can leave people feeling vulnerable or emotionally insecure. This can make them more anxious and sensitive to certain situations causing them to engage in hypervigilant behavior. 

Hypervigilance after infidelity is also a reality for many couples. They can do this to look out for signs of danger and protect themselves. 

For example, if an individual has been the victim of domestic violence in the past, they may develop a fear of being hurt again. They could become hypervigilant about anything that might indicate that their partner is acting aggressively toward them. 

They may also become paranoid about their partner’s faithfulness and assume that they are having inappropriate relationships with other people outside of the relationship.

3. Increased levels of stress or anxiety 

It can also cause individuals to become more alert and vigilant towards their surroundings to prevent themselves from experiencing further negative emotions and feeling overwhelmed. 

This is especially common in individuals who are constantly stressed from work, or home life and who are worried that something might go wrong at any moment and start to constantly monitor their environment in order to ensure that everything is in order. 

This can also contribute to feelings of paranoia and create even more mistrust between the couple.

4. Personality type 

Personality type can also be a factor when it comes to hypervigilance in a relationship. 

Individuals who are more introverted or reserved by nature (especially INFJs) tend to be much more sensitive and less trusting of others. This can make them more likely to engage in hypervigilant behavior to avoid being hurt by others in the future. 

For example, someone who is introverted may be more comfortable expressing themselves in writing rather than speaking face to face. So, may suspect their partner of cheating on them if they notice that they are being unusually secretive in their communications with them. 

On the other hand, those who are more extroverted and more outgoing will usually be less suspicious of those around them and are more open to engaging in open and constructive discussions with their partner, making them less likely to exhibit this type of behavior.

7 ways hypervigilance affects your relationships

There’s no doubt that people who are hypervigilant tend to be on the lookout for danger and potential threats all the time. But is this always a good thing? And how does it affect your relationship with your partner? Let’s find out

1. It makes you feel helpless and anxious

It’s hard not to be scared when you’re constantly on the lookout for threats, but staying on alert mode all the time will make you feel helpless and anxious, which will make it difficult for you to relax or enjoy your relationships.

And it can also lead to insomnia and stress, which won’t help your romantic relationship either.

2. It makes you more suspicious

When you’re constantly on the lookout for potential dangers, it’s only natural that you’ll become suspicious of the people around you. And this will make you less trusting of others, which can put a strain on your relationships. After all, you need people you can trust in your life.

3. It leaves you feeling tired all the time

You’ll start feeling like you’re living in a fog all the time if you’re always on high alert for potential threats. And that can leave you feeling tired and run down all the time, which can affect your work and relationships. And that’s not good news for anyone!

4. It can leave you isolated

Being overly vigilant can make you withdraw from others and hide away out of fear of getting hurt. 

This can make it harder to maintain close friendships and romantic relationships, which makes it harder for you to build a strong social support network. That can have a negative impact on your mental health and emotional well-being!

5. It can lower your self-esteem

Constantly being on the lookout for dangers can easily lead to depression and other mental health problems. And when you suffer from these disorders, it can leave you feeling lonely and isolated, which can make you feel even worse about yourself. And that’s not good for your relationship either!

6. It can lead to limited emotional intimacy

Hypervigilance can create a barrier to emotional vulnerability. The fear of potential threats may hinder the openness needed for deep emotional connection.

7. It can impact your mental health

Hypervigilance is mentally taxing, contributing to anxiety and stress. Over time, this can negatively impact mental health, affecting overall well-being and happiness in the relationship.

How to combat hypervigilance in your relationship: 7 techniques

How to stop hypervigilance in relationships? If you’re like most people, your definition of a “perfect relationship” includes a few stressors. That’s great if you can get it, but for many of us, hypervigilance is a reality. 

Relationships can be difficult to navigate even under the best of circumstances, but when you’re dealing with an anxiety disorder or addiction, it can get even worse. 

There are some things you can do to take charge of your relationship, make it easier to overcome challenges and change the course of your relationship with your partner for the better.

Here are 5 such ways to treat hypervigilance in your relationship:

1. Acknowledge your inner critic

Many of us carry around old wounds from past relationships that can influence how we feel about ourselves and how we act around our partners. 

If we’re constantly comparing ourselves to people from the past or putting ourselves down, it’ll have a huge impact on how we behave in our current relationships. 

One of the best ways you can learn how to stop hypervigilance is by spending some time journaling every day and reflecting on your thoughts and your behavior so you can identify any negative patterns that may be causing problems in your relationships.

2. Express your feelings

Whether you’re upset, angry, or just feeling lonely, it’s really important that you’re able to express those feelings to your partner. 

Hypervigilance in a relationship is something that a lot of us struggle with when we’re in a relationship, and it can end up making us feel closed off and disconnected. 

If we don’t make an effort to express our emotions and let our partner know what’s bothering us, we won’t be able to get our message across and won’t be able to resolve whatever issue we’re having with the other person. 

So, give yourself some time to cool off before you speak to your partner and explain to them exactly what you’re feeling and why.

3. Practice self-care

Self-care isn’t just about making sure you take a break from your job and spend some time doing something you enjoy every once in a while. It can also be about your physical well-being. 

For example, if you’re often feeling tired or have low energy, you may need to make sure that you’re getting enough sleep every night and eating a healthy diet full of fresh fruits & vegetables. 

Hypervigilance treatment can also include things like making sure you get outside and get some exercise, even if it’s just a short walk around the block. 

These kinds of things will go a long way toward improving your overall sense of health and well-being and will help you be a better partner as a result.

Check out this video on creating an action plan for self-care:

4. Set healthy boundaries with your partner

When we’re not feeling well or when we’ve had a bad day at work, it can be tempting to let our emotions take over and lash out at our partner in an attempt to “make them see how upset we are.” This can easily create emotional hypervigilance in relationships.

However, this can lead to a lot of unnecessary conflicts and hurt feelings in the long run.

That’s definitely not what you want in your relationship. 

So, it’s important to take some time to think about your needs and set some healthy boundaries with your partner when it comes to things like communication and respect. 

Doing this will ensure that you’re always putting your well-being first, and you’ll avoid arguments and emotional blowups that can lead to deeper rifts in your relationship.

5. Trust your partner

It can be hard to trust someone when you’ve been hurt in the past or when you feel like they’re not being completely honest with you about something. 

However, learning to trust your partner is one of the most important things you can do if you want a healthy and long-lasting connection free of hypervigilance in relationships.

After all, we can’t control the actions of other people, but we do have control over how we respond to them and what we choose to believe about them. 

So, it’s important to be patient, kind, and compassionate with ourselves and our partners. We should let go of any feelings of resentment or mistrust that may be getting in the way of our happiness.

6. Self-reflection

Take time for self-reflection to identify the root causes of hypervigilance. Understanding the origins of this behavior is a crucial step toward addressing and combating it.

7. Mindfulness practices

Engage in mindfulness techniques like deep breathing or meditation to stay present in the moment and cope with hypervigilance in relationships, reducing the tendency to overanalyze and anticipate potential issues.

FAQs 

Let’s tackle some common questions about hypervigilance, breaking down the complexities into relatable and easy-to-understand insights.

• Is hypervigilance a trauma response?

Absolutely. It’s like an internal alarm system reacting to past traumatic experiences. Hypervigilance often develops as a way to stay alert and protect oneself from potential threats.

• Does hypervigilance go away?

Think of it like a healing process. With self-awareness, support, and coping strategies, hypervigilance can lessen over time. It’s a journey, and progress often comes with understanding and addressing its root causes.

• Can emotional abuse cause hypervigilance?

Unfortunately, yes. Emotional abuse can create a constant state of alertness as a survival mechanism. The need to anticipate potential harm can lead to hypervigilance in relationships or hypervigilant behaviors in an attempt to protect oneself.

• What is an example of hypervigilance in relationships?

Imagine always checking your partner’s messages, not out of curiosity but as a constant fear of hidden threats. Hypervigilance in relationships can manifest as constant monitoring, overanalyzing, and expecting the worst, even in benign situations.

• Is hypervigilance good or bad?

While it can be a protective mechanism, it often becomes overwhelming. Excessive hypervigilance can strain relationships, impact mental health, and hinder personal well-being. Striking a balance is key to a healthier mindset.

Keeping the hyper-ness away

In summary, hypervigilance in a relationship can make it really hard to form a deep connection with someone, and it can often lead to conflicts and misunderstandings in the relationship. 

So, to avoid these things from happening in the future, learn how to let go of your fear and suspicion and build trust with your partner instead. 

If you have anxiety or panic attacks frequently, you could talk to a professional. They might be able to recommend ways to help control your anxiety and put you on the path to better health.