What to Do When Someone Lies to You: How to Find, Deal & Cope

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom. – Thomas Jefferson

Imagine Sarah and Jack, a seemingly perfect couple, until Sarah started noticing small inconsistencies in Jack’s stories. The trust that once anchored their relationship now feels shaky, leaving Sarah anxious and uncertain. 

Are you seeing similar signs in your relationship? Are you questioning if the person you love is truly being honest with you?

What to do when someone lies to you? How do you handle lies about relationships? 

Being lied to by someone you love can be one of the most heartbreaking experiences, but you are not alone in this struggle.

This article talks about  the 17 signs of dishonesty in a relationship and offers practical advice on how to handle it. 

We will guide you through identifying dishonesty, understanding its impact, and taking steps to rebuild trust. 

What is dishonesty in a relationship?

Relationship dishonesty can make you question everything, leaving you feeling anxious and uncertain. What to do when someone lies to you? It’s crucial to address these issues head-on. Dishonesty in relationships can erode trust and lead to bigger problems.

Dishonesty in a relationship is when one partner is not truthful with the other, breaking the trust that holds them together. Here are some everyday examples:

• Hiding the truth: Your partner says they’re working late but are actually out with friends, creating a sense of betrayal.
• Small lies: They claim they didn’t see your text, but you later find out they did, making you feel unimportant.
• Financial secrets: Your partner spends money on things without telling you, leading to mistrust and financial stress.
• Emotional deception: They say everything is fine, but they’re bottling up feelings and frustrations, causing a disconnect.

Why do people lie in relationships?

People lie in relationships for various reasons, often rooted in fear or insecurity. Sometimes, it’s about avoiding conflict. 

For instance, why a man lies about spending time with friends instead of being honest? He might fear an argument or hurting his partner’s feelings.

Other times, lies stem from a desire to protect oneself or the relationship. Someone might lie about their past because they’re afraid of judgment or rejection. In some cases, it’s about maintaining control or hiding mistakes.

So, what to do when someone lies to you? Remember, lies often reveal deeper issues that need attention. Confronting these lies can ultimately lead to a more transparent relationship.

How does dishonesty affect a relationship?

Dishonesty in a relationship acts like a tiny crack in a chain. At first, it might seem small and insignificant, but over time, it grows and starts affecting more and more links. 

One lie leads to another, creating a web of deceit that’s hard to escape. This can erode trust, increase suspicion, and breed resentment.

When one partner lies, the other starts to doubt their words and actions, leading to constant questioning and paranoia. 

This stress can spill over into other aspects of the relationship, causing arguments and emotional distance. Over time, the connection weakens, and both partners may feel isolated and hurt.

According to Kimberly Smith, a licensed mental health counselor:

Dishonesty in a relationship prevents a solid foundation from being formed to withstand hard times because the bonds are linked with fabricated connections and experiences.

Here’s how dishonesty can affect different aspects of a relationship:

17 signs of dishonesty in a relationship

Understanding honesty within a relationship is essential for its health and longevity. Detecting dishonesty, however, requires insight into certain behaviors and patterns that may indicate underlying issues. 

From secretive phone habits to unwarranted defensiveness and sudden overcompensating actions, recognizing these signs is key to addressing concerns and making crucial decisions about the future of your relationship. Here is a list of some such signs: 

1. Making calls outside

One of the top signs of dishonesty in a relationship is the inability to make calls when your partner is around. 

Without saying much, you already show you have something to hide. Unless you work for a secret government or private organization, no call should be too private for your better half.

2. Lying about your calls

Dismissing a call as unimportant to avoid talking about it is dishonesty, whatever may be the reason.

Even if you receive the call in your partner’s presence, lying about the purpose of the call or the caller is one of the signs of deception in a relationship. 

3. They don’t disclose their whereabouts

You may not follow your partner everywhere, but intimate couples often know each other’s whereabouts. 

If your partner doesn’t tell you where they are going or coming from, it either shows they don’t trust you or are dishonest.

4. Avoiding eye contact

One of the characteristics of dishonesty you should know is avoiding eye contact. 

Of course, we all do that in conversations from time to time. But if you notice your partner avoids looking at you whenever they talk about some topics, they are hiding something.

5. They don’t go into details

One of the characteristics of a strong couple is that they have thoughtful and healthy communication. 

It increases the bond between partners and strengthens their relationship. 

If you ask your partner how they spent their day or about a particular experience, and they are reluctant to tell you, they are being dishonest.

6. They give excuses a lot

Another characteristic of dishonesty is giving excuses. 

Your partner is just so good that they have an explanation for the why, what, and when. Also, they are never at fault, so you see them shifting the blame to anyone else and anything else.

7. They don’t take responsibility

One of the fundamentals of a successful and healthy relationship is the partners’ ability to take responsibility. 

Partners occasionally make mistakes and offend each other. However, they usually come back together strongly as long as each person recognizes their fault and apologizes accordingly.

However, a dishonest person never takes responsibility. Instead, they languish in their ignorance and make their partner take the blame.

8. They cheat

One obvious sign of a dishonest partner is cheating. 

Whatever the world may have turned to, cheating should never be allowed in a relationship. It would be best if you were loyal to your spouse unless you have enough reasons not to. 

Even if your partner shows questionable behavior, there are ways to solve it other than resorting to cheating.

9. Your partner seems paranoid around you

The best of couples feel safe around each other, but the case is different when dealing with dishonesty in a relationship. 

Does your partner panic when you come into their house? Do they hide things from you or turn their phone away when you are around? If your answer is yes, that signifies you are dealing with dishonesty.

10. Your partner prevents you from following them on social media

Partners following each other’s social accounts is a sign of closeness.

Social media play an essential role in today’s relationships. If you have requested your partner’s social accounts and they ask you why or what’s the big deal? It means they are being secretive.

11. They hide their paycheck from you

Like any other aspect, financial matters should be transparent between a couple.

If you aren’t comfortable sharing your finances with your better half, you shouldn’t date. Also, if your partner doesn’t disclose their salary to you or lies about it, it shows they don’t trust you enough.

12. They don’t want you to meet their close friends

A person who has nothing to hide from their partner will never hesitate to bring them out with friends and peers.

Meeting your partner’s friends is a significant milestone in a relationship. It shows that your partner trusts you and wants to show you off to people. If you have noticed that your spouse avoids introducing you to anyone when you are outside, it’s a sign of dishonesty. 

13. They don’t keep their promises

Signs of dishonesty in a relationship also include your partner’s refusal to keep their promises. 

Of course, there are moments when circumstances make it hard to follow through with your words. However, if your better half often breaks their promises, they are not trustworthy.

To learn more about the importance of a promise, watch this video:

14. People tell you about their lies

The markers of a dishonest relationship might be a blind spot for you, but the others around you might notice things. 

It takes some guts for outsiders to talk about your partner’s lies to you. You may not believe them, but it’s a sign of dishonesty if you have seen some other suspicious behaviors. 

15. You can feel it

Sometimes, your gut feeling is so strong that you can’t dismiss it. 

You have seen many signs of deception, from small lies, big lies, and cheating to paranoia acts around you. At that point, you don’t need any soothsayer to tell you you are coping with dishonesty in a relationship.

16. Overcompensating behavior

When a partner feels guilty about their dishonesty, they may exhibit overcompensating behavior.

This can manifest as being overly affectionate, buying unexpected gifts, or going out of their way to do something nice for you without any apparent reason. 

While these emotional dishonesty gestures can be genuine signs of affection, when they are out of character and coincide with other signs of dishonesty, they may be attempts to alleviate guilt or distract from deceitful actions.

17. Defensiveness and unwarranted accusations

A dishonest partner may often react defensively to simple inquiries or comments. 

If your partner frequently responds to questions about their day or activities with hostility or irritation, it may indicate they have something to hide. 

Additionally, they might project their guilt onto you by making unwarranted accusations. For example, if they accuse you of being unfaithful or secretive without any basis, it could be a reflection of their own dishonest behavior in the relationship.

How to respond after finding out about your partner’s dishonesty

What to do when someone lies to you in plain sight? It’s natural to feel hurt and angry, but try to stay calm. Start by taking a deep breath and giving yourself a moment to process the emotions. 

Avoid immediate confrontations; instead, give yourself time to gather your thoughts. Think about what you want to say and how you feel. 

When you’re ready, approach the conversation with empathy and openness. Understanding how to deal with a spouse who lies involves addressing the issue calmly and seeking honest communication. This sets the stage for healing and rebuilding trust.

How to deal with dishonesty in a relationship

Dealing with dishonesty in a relationship is challenging, but it doesn’t mean the relationship is over. If you suspect your partner is not being truthful, it’s important to address the issue constructively. Here are some practical tips to help you handle dishonesty:

• Talk to them about it

Your partner might be so accustomed to lying that they don’t realize the impact it has on you. It’s crucial to bring this to their attention. 

Have a calm, honest conversation about how their actions make you feel. Avoid being confrontational, and give them a chance to explain themselves. Listen actively to understand their perspective.

• Understand their perspective

If your partner provides an explanation, try to be empathetic. Understanding why they lied can help you address the root cause. Avoid criticizing or interrupting them. The goal is to fix the relationship, not to win an argument.

• Lower your expectations

It’s important to have realistic expectations. Don’t expect your partner to share every detail of their day. For instance, knowing their general whereabouts can be enough. Demanding a minute-by-minute account of their activities is unrealistic and can strain the relationship further.

As Kimberly Smith quotes:

People are who they are, not who you expect them to be.

How to cope with being lied to in a relationship

Coping with being lied to in a relationship can be tough. Here are some steps to help you navigate this difficult situation:

A. Acknowledge your feelings

It’s okay to feel hurt, angry, or confused. Recognize these emotions and give yourself permission to feel them. This is a natural response to being deceived by someone you trust.

B. Take a step back

Give yourself some space to process what has happened. This can help you gain clarity and avoid reacting impulsively. A short break from the situation can be beneficial for both you and your partner.

C. Communicate openly

When you’re ready, have an honest conversation with your partner. Express how their dishonesty has affected you. Use “I” statements to focus on your feelings, such as “I felt hurt when I found out you lied.”

D. Seek support

Talking to a trusted friend or a therapist can provide emotional support and help you process your feelings. They can offer a different perspective and help you feel less isolated.

E. Reflect on the relationship

Take some time to think about the overall relationship. Is this a one-time incident or a recurring pattern? Understanding the context can help you decide the best course of action.

F. Set boundaries

Decide what you need to feel safe and respected in the relationship. This might involve setting new boundaries or reinforcing existing ones. Be clear with your partner about your expectations moving forward.

G. Practice self-care

Focus on taking care of yourself during this time. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Self-care can help you regain a sense of control and well-being.

Building trust in your relationship

Dealing with dishonesty in a relationship can be emotionally draining, but it’s not the end of the road. 

Recognizing the signs is the first step toward healing and growth. If you’ve identified any of these behaviors in your relationship, it’s crucial to address them head-on.

Start by having a heart-to-heart conversation with your partner about your concerns. Seek to understand their perspective and express your feelings calmly. 

Remember, every relationship faces hurdles, but how you handle them defines your connection. Take action today and invest in the future of your love.

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Rachael Pace Author

Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships... Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less

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