How to Deal With a Difficult Spouse: 17 Practical Tips

Living with someone who feels impossible to please, hard to communicate with, or quick to argue can leave you exhausted… and unsure where to turn. Marriage isn’t always smooth sailing; sometimes, it feels like you’re speaking different languages under the same roof! 

But even in the toughest seasons, there are gentle ways to rebuild connection, set boundaries, and rediscover peace at home. Whether it’s through patience, perspective, or small acts of understanding, learning how to deal with a difficult spouse can slowly transform tension into teamwork—and conflict into deeper compassion.

5 signs of a difficult spouse

Every marriage has ups and downs, but sometimes one partner’s behavior can make the relationship feel emotionally draining or one-sided. 

Recognizing the early signs of a difficult spouse helps you understand what’s really going on—and it’s the first step toward healthier communication and emotional balance. Here’s what to look out for:

1. Constant criticism and blame

A difficult spouse often points out your flaws but rarely acknowledges your efforts.

Their words can make you feel like nothing you do is ever enough, leaving you walking on eggshells. Over time, this erodes self-confidence and creates emotional distance in the marriage.

• Example: They might say, “You never do anything right,” even when you’re trying your best.

2. Poor communication and defensiveness

Instead of listening or resolving issues, they shut down, interrupt, or turn every conversation into an argument. This makes it hard to discuss feelings openly or solve even small problems. Good communication is the foundation of a strong marriage, and without it, resentment builds up fast.

• Example: When you bring up a concern, they respond with, “You’re overreacting again.”

3. Lack of empathy or emotional support

If your spouse rarely shows concern for your feelings or dismisses your emotions, it’s a serious red flag. Relationships thrive on mutual understanding, and when empathy is missing, one partner feels unseen and unheard. This emotional neglect can be as painful as open conflict.

• Example: You express feeling overwhelmed, and they respond, “You’re too sensitive.”

4. Controlling or manipulative behavior

A controlling spouse tries to dictate how you think, act, or even spend your time. They might use guilt, fear, or emotional pressure to get their way. This kind of behavior damages trust and creates an unhealthy power imbalance in the relationship.

• Example: They insist on knowing where you are every moment “for your own good.”

5. Refusal to take responsibility

When someone constantly blames others and never admits fault, problems can’t be resolved. A spouse who refuses to take responsibility may twist situations to avoid accountability. This creates a toxic cycle where you’re left carrying the emotional burden for both of you.

• Example: After an argument, they say, “It’s your fault for making me mad.”

Please note:

Understanding these signs can help you take thoughtful steps toward healing and balance. Learning how to deal with a difficult spouse isn’t about blame—it’s about awareness, boundaries, and emotional growth. Remember, dealing with a difficult spouse starts with recognizing what needs to change.

How to deal with a difficult spouse: 17 practical tips

Marriage can test your patience, compassion, and emotional strength—especially when your partner seems impossible to reach or please. 

Learning how to deal with a difficult spouse takes more than love; it calls for self-awareness, clear communication, and emotional maturity. With the right mindset and tools, even strained relationships can slowly find their rhythm again.

1. Stay calm instead of reacting

When emotions run high, reacting in anger only adds fuel to the fire. Taking a pause helps you respond thoughtfully instead of emotionally. Remember, calm energy often softens defensive behavior over time.

• Quick tip: Step away for a few minutes before replying to heated comments.

2. Listen to understand, not to argue

When your spouse feels heard, they’re more likely to open up. Active listening—nodding, maintaining eye contact, and summarizing what they said—can ease tension and reduce defensiveness. It’s a small shift that can change the whole tone of your conversations.

• Quick tip: Try saying, “So what I hear you saying is…” before sharing your thoughts.

3. Choose your battles wisely

Not every disagreement needs a full-blown argument. Some issues are better let go, especially if they don’t impact your relationship’s core values. Pick battles that matter for your peace and partnership.

• Quick tip: Ask yourself, “Will this still matter a week from now?” before engaging.

4. Set healthy boundaries

Boundaries are not walls—they’re limits that protect your emotional well-being. Let your spouse know what behaviors cross the line and stand firm without guilt. Respecting your own needs is part of dealing with a difficult spouse effectively.

• Quick tip: Use “I” statements, like “I feel disrespected when you raise your voice.”

5. Communicate clearly and gently

Tone and timing can make or break a conversation. Speak calmly, stay specific, and avoid blame-filled language. Learning how to communicate with a difficult spouse often starts with changing how you express your needs.

• Quick tip: Use “I feel…” instead of “You always…” to reduce defensiveness.

6. Don’t take everything personally

A difficult partner’s harsh words often reflect their inner frustration—not your worth. Protect your peace by recognizing what’s truly about you and what isn’t. Detaching emotionally gives you room to think clearly.

• Quick tip: Remind yourself, “This is about their emotions, not my value.”

7. Encourage open dialogue

Invite calm, judgment-free talks where both of you can share feelings. Openness builds trust, even when opinions differ. Avoid interrupting or dismissing their emotions—validation goes a long way.

• Quick tip: Schedule a weekly “talk time” where both share feelings uninterrupted.

8. Avoid the blame game

Blame traps you both in a cycle of defensiveness and guilt. Focus instead on solving the problem together. Shifting from “who’s wrong” to “what can we fix” builds partnership, not rivalry.

• Quick tip: Say, “Let’s figure out how to make this work,” instead of “You caused this.”

9. Practice empathy daily

Try to see things from your spouse’s point of view. Understanding their triggers or stress can help you respond with kindness instead of irritation. Empathy cools conflicts before they escalate.

• Quick tip: Ask yourself, “What might they be feeling right now?” before reacting.

10. Take care of your mental health

Living with a difficult partner can be emotionally draining. Prioritize self-care—exercise, journaling, therapy, or time with supportive friends. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

• Quick tip: Dedicate at least 30 minutes daily to something that recharges you.

11. Avoid trying to “fix” them

You can guide, influence, and communicate—but not control. Change has to come from your spouse’s willingness. Focusing too much on fixing them can lead to frustration and resentment.

• Quick tip: Concentrate on what you can control—your actions, boundaries, and mindset.

12. Use humor when appropriate

A little lightness can defuse tension in tough moments. Humor reminds both of you that love still exists beneath the stress. Just make sure it’s gentle, not sarcastic.

• Quick tip: Share a funny memory when things start to feel too tense.

13. Appreciate their efforts, even small ones

Acknowledgment can soften resistance. When your spouse feels valued, they’re more likely to respond positively. Gratitude shifts focus from what’s wrong to what’s working.

• Quick tip: Say “Thank you for doing that” more often—it builds goodwill.

14. Seek professional help if needed

Sometimes, a neutral third party can make a big difference. Therapy provides tools for communication, emotional regulation, and rebuilding trust. Don’t wait until things feel hopeless to seek help.

• Quick tip: Suggest counseling as a “team improvement,” not a punishment.

15. Know when to take a break

If emotions run too high, stepping back can prevent long-term damage. Time apart doesn’t mean giving up—it’s about resetting and gaining perspective.

• Quick tip: Suggest a “cool-down” hour before resuming a heavy discussion.

Watch this TED Talk by Diana Wais, a relationship therapist, who shares how identifying emotional “laws” can boost connection and reduce silent tension in couples.

16. Stay consistent with your actions

Empty promises or sudden mood shifts can confuse your partner. Consistency shows maturity and reliability, which encourages similar behavior from your spouse.

• Quick tip: Keep your tone, timing, and boundaries steady, even when they test them.

17. Accept what you can’t change

Some habits or traits may never fully disappear, and that’s okay. Peace often comes from accepting reality and choosing how to respond wisely. Acceptance doesn’t mean approval—it means freedom from frustration.

• Quick tip: Focus on growth where possible, and let go of what’s beyond your control.

Please note:

Ultimately, understanding how to deal with a difficult spouse takes time, patience, and emotional strength. But with empathy, boundaries, and genuine communication, even rocky relationships can rediscover calm and connection.

Finding balance

Every marriage faces challenges, but lasting peace comes from patience, empathy, and a willingness to grow—together and individually. 

Learning how to deal with a difficult spouse isn’t about winning arguments or changing them overnight; it’s about creating emotional safety, mutual respect, and self-awareness. 

When you respond with calm rather than conflict, compassion rather than control, you slowly shift the energy in your relationship. Even small, consistent efforts can rebuild trust and bring back the warmth you both once shared.

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Our discussions sometimes spiral or end unresolved

It’s hard to feel close because our physical intimacy hasn’t felt strong lately

We often see things differently about goals or priorities

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Rachael Pace Author

Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships... Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less