You and your wife are separated. You both knew it was time to take a break, but it has been easier said than done. You miss her. You miss sleeping next to her, making her laugh, and facing each day with her by your side. You are just better together.
What you really miss are the days when you two got along and there were no hard feelings between you. But unfortunately, your marriage hasn’t been that way for a while. Which is why you separated in the first place. You both got tired of the fighting and negativity. How did it get to this point?
If you’ve been separated for a while, hopefully, things have calmed down a bit. You’ve both been able to clear your hears a bit and evaluate where things are. Time does heal some wounds, but not all. What else do you need to do to get your wife back after separation? Here are some tips:
1. Give Her Space
You may not want to let this separation continue, but if that is what she needs, then give it to her. Rushing things can only hurt your chances of her wanting to get back together. She may miss you and want to be with you again, but she may need more time to sort things out. Respect that. Don’t pressure her or give her ultimatums or timelines.
2. Resist the Urge to Fight
Don’t fall into your old ways of fighting, even if she’s defensive or picks a fight with you. This will not make her want to be with you on a daily basis—that is what you two got away from. Plus, her anger probably isn’t actual anger, it’s sadness or fear. She’s scared. Scared of losing you, of what her life will be like without you, of facing it all alone. If she’s yelling at you, just listen.
3. Listen Like You’ve Never Listened Before
Women just want to be heard. But not just hear the words—actually figure out and understand the feelings behind the words. Connect. “Get each other.” That’s what she wants. Part of the reason you are separated is no doubt because she didn’t feel heard by you. That is a huge thing that has to change if you want her back. When she talks to you, don’t try to fix her problems—just listen. She’s smart enough to figure things out, what she needs from you is a listening ear and also encouragement. “I’m so sorry, honey,” and “I understand,” and, “You can do it,” should be phrases you memorize now and use regularly. Don’t listen to respond, listen and really hear her. It’ll make all the difference.
4. Apologize (Even if You Already Have)
You’ve said sorry, you’ve acted sorry—when is it ever going to be enough? The thing is, what she really wants to hear is your feelings behind the apology. Saying sorry or acting sorry doesn’t explain to her how you really feel. And let’s face it—you’re not one to really say how to feel very often. Well, this is one of those rare times. Whether you want to or not, you gotta spill your guts. Say that you’re sorry because you never wanted to hurt her, you miss her, you can only picture your life with her. Elaborate on that, but you get the idea. Saying that you’re sorry is great, but explaining your feelings behind it is what will help win your wife’s heart again.
5. Suggest Marriage Counseling
Most women are on board with counseling, and if you suggest it you’ll definitely be on her good side. But it’s one thing to agree to go, and another thing entirely to put your full effort into the process. Therapy isn’t easy, especially for men. It’s a lot of talking about feelings. This is definitely a woman’s strong suit and not a man’s strong suit. That’s ok. The amount of effort you put into it is key here. So show up for every session, listen to the therapist, listen to your wife, and share your feelings. Through the process, you’ll learn more about your wife and maybe even more about yourself, too.
6. Don’t Ever, Ever Give Up
Even when things look pretty bleak, never give up hope that you two can get back together. It’s all about your attitude and mindset. If you’ve already given up in your heart and mind, she’ll know it. Women have a keen sense of what other people are feeling—especially the man she loves. Hope is a choice you make every day. So wake up every day and say encouraging things to yourself, and think encouraging thoughts. Don’t let anyone or anything deter you. She is your wife, you love her, and you will win her back—end of story.