What Is a Vanilla Relationship: Pros, Cons & More

We all know the vanilla flavor in ice cream, right? It’s the one option you go back to when unsure what to try. In the same vein, vanilla relationships are common even though not everyone likes them. 

While some people frown at vanilla relationships, others welcome them with open arms.

The kinky community usually considers this type of relationship boring and may not want to be involved with a vanilla person. Well, nobody’s going to crucify you for choosing what makes you comfortable. 

In this article, we will take a look at vanilla relationships and define the pros and cons of these relationships. 

What is a vanilla relationship?

A vanilla relationship is one with all the traditional values in dating, such as commitment, trust, no kink, heterosexuality in most cases, monogamy, and anything usual.

Vanilla couples focus on their main goal (building a stable, normal relationship) and never stray from it.

Sometimes, people in a vanilla relationship are looked down upon and called boring by those in non-vanilla relationships. This, however, is only sometimes the case. Some people want to love and be loved in simple terms, and that’s okay.

What is the difference between sugar relationships and vanilla relationships?

In exploring the nuances of modern relationships, it’s essential to distinguish between Vanilla and Sugar Relationships. There are fundamental differences between the two, covering the emotional and financial dynamics, societal perceptions, and the commitment levels expected in each. 

Here we offer insights into these distinct relationship paradigms:

Feature	Vanilla Relationships	Sugar Relationships
Definition	Traditional romantic relationships based on emotional connection and mutual interests.	Relationships that are transactional, often involving a younger person dating an older, wealthier person for financial benefits or gifts.
Basis of Relationship	Emotional connection, love, and mutual interests.	Financial arrangements, mentorship, and companionship in exchange for material benefits.
Expectations	Emotional support, companionship, possibly long-term commitment.	Financial support, mentorship, companionship, with clear agreements about the nature of the benefits involved.
Financial Aspect	Not the primary focus; partners may share expenses based on mutual agreement without a predefined arrangement.	A significant part of the relationship; involves agreed-upon financial arrangements such as allowances, gifts, and support.
Duration	Can be short-term or long-term with no predefined conditions; often aimed at lifelong partnership or marriage.	May be short-term or long-term but often defined by the terms of the agreement; can end when the agreement is fulfilled or if terms are renegotiated.
Public Perception	Generally accepted and conforms to societal norms.	Often subject to stigma and misconceptions; viewed as less traditional and sometimes controversial.
Emotional Investment	Typically involves deep emotional investment and aims for emotional fulfillment.	Emotional investment can vary; some relationships may evolve into emotionally meaningful connections, while others remain transactional.
Commitment Level	Can range from casual dating to highly committed relationships.	Commitment is often to the terms of the agreement rather than to each other in a traditional romantic sense.

5 pros and cons of a vanilla relationship

In the present world, casual and non-monogamous relationships are the new normal. A recent survey showed that one-third of adult Americans say their ideal relationships are non-monogamous.

Just like any other relationship, vanilla relationships have their advantages and disadvantages. Here are some we know:

• Pros

1. You feel emotionally satisfied

Unlike in casual relationships, where you care or know nothing about their emotional life, a vanilla relationship needs both partners’ emotional availability. 

You can rely more on your partner and grow stronger together. The emotions are genuine and rooted deeply. 

2. Your emotions are genuine

In a vanilla relationship, you’re ready to commit to your partner fully, and your partner knows that your emotions are real. There’s no faking it, and you don’t have someone you could share your love with other than your present partner.

3. You have contented sex

Since you both know your sexual desires in a vanilla relationship, you try as much as possible to fulfill them. 

People who believe in a non-vanilla lifestyle (flings) hardly know anything about the other person. All they want to do is satisfy their sexual urges. But, with vanilla relationships, you are connected and not only based on sex.

4. It shapes your character

In the 21st century, where many people are talking about one-night stands and flings, you may seem odd from the rest once they find out you stick strictly by your rules and only have anything to do with your current partner.

At some point, you may be stressed. However, it gets to a point where you learn to filter out all the noise and do what matters to you.

As Dr. Jennifer Jacobsen, PhD in Psychology, explains:

Some couples hold tightly to strong conservative moral values in spite of what current societal trends may pressure them to do.

5. You have a defined purpose

When you have one partner you’re in love with, you see a future with them and try to be as responsible as possible. You tend to focus more on your goals and make good decisions that benefit you. 

• Cons

1. Maintaining a vanilla relationship is difficult

It would seem like everyone around you is after you and your relationship because it is mostly after you start dating a new partner that other people come around. 

How, then, do you focus on your partner, seeing that there may be a million other prospects around you? 

One of the disadvantages of vanilla relationships is that they keep you from exploring other romantic prospects since you have already pledged your commitment to your partner. 

Studies have assessed how power and communication are used when only one partner in the relationship is vanilla and how it impacts negotiations. 

2. You may want to go back to other sexual tendencies

This is usually normal for people who have been in relationships other than vanilla relationships. 

They may be lost in the memories of their past relationships and forget that they’ve placed boundaries on themselves with their new commitment.

Some partners might find this intolerable and drift apart to avoid further disrespecting their feelings.

3. You may not easily find them

You may often meet people who aren’t on board with the full commitment, and they won’t tell you. You may discover their negative intentions a long way down the line, which can affect your mental health.  

4. You take a long time to heal after a breakup

Since you truly love your partner in vanilla relationships, you imagine a future with them. 

The thought of breaking up alone gives you heartache. So, if you eventually break up, getting back on your feet would be harder. Hence, you may end up hating your past lover for a long time. 

That resentment will, in turn, keep you away from potential relationships as you may tend to project your hurts onto anyone who comes close to you. 

However, if you are recovering from a breakup, these tips can help.

5. There are pressing disagreements

In casual relationships, you know that you don’t have to be emotionally available for the person. You don’t owe them anything. 

This is different in vanilla relationships, where things are expected of you. Disagreements can arise when you fail to meet those expectations heaped upon you.

9 things to know about vanilla relationships

Diving deeper into the essence of vanilla relationships, this section unfolds nine pivotal aspects to cherish and understand. From embracing a vanilla personality to deciphering “What does vanilla mean in dating?” these insights guide you through the joys and dynamics of such connections.

1. There is absolutely nothing wrong with vanilla relationships

There is nothing wrong with doing what you’ve always done and loving it. The current trends should keep your romantic beliefs and preferences the same. 

If you’ve always been a vanilla person, stick to vanilla. Don’t listen to any opinions that don’t resonate with your values.

Dr. Jacobsen says:

It’s important to create a relationship that works for you and aligns with your values; don’t be pressured into a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs.

2. It doesn’t make sex less gratifying

Sex is objective and may mean different things to different people. Sex allows couples to explore themselves and share a deeper bond. 

Nobody should stop you from doing so because they don’t believe in vanilla relationships. Nobody should change that as long as you’re both getting what you need from your sexual activities.

3. You’re not boring because you’re in a vanilla relationship

Stick to whatever floats your boat. If you derive pleasure from vanilla sex, you shouldn’t change your options because people will call you boring.

If you’ve once tried both kinky and vanilla and prefer vanilla over kinky, don’t let anyone bully you into changing your decisions. 

Honestly, you’re supposed to be the person who defines what is boring for you and not some other person who doesn’t know you.

4. You can always try out new things

If you’re the type to be versatile in the bedroom, you can add a bit of kink to your vanilla sex. It’s the same way you buy vanilla ice cream and add some toppings to it. 

But be sure to communicate with your partner. Understand their boundaries and remain within a safe zone. 

You can also try to keep your versatility in check by not doing too much. Adding a little spice to your sex life isn’t a big deal. 

It only depends on what and how you present it to your partner. If your partner doesn’t want to go beyond vanilla, then try to be understanding.

If it’s the other way around, and your partner wants to add a bit of kink to your vanilla sex, try to be open-minded.

5. Try to make your vanilla sex life interesting

Being a vanilla person is not an excuse for being boring in the bedroom. Don’t leave all the work to your partner when you can try to spice things up a bit.

A traditional relationship can also be interesting if you put in the effort. You don’t exactly have to be wild to have an interesting sex life.

6. Define your vanilla sex

Vanilla sex may not be the same for all couples. Some may have some tweaks that you know nothing about. So, you shouldn’t use your definition of vanilla sex to define other couples’ preferences and vice versa. 

They shouldn’t tell you how your vanilla sex should be because you and your partner are the only people allowed to define it.

7. Communicate

Communicating with your partner is key to having an enjoyable relationship and sex life. Know their dos and don’ts in the bedroom. 

If you were once into kinky sex, and over the years, you decided to settle for vanilla sex, you should let your partner know your change of plans.

Sure, incorporating the keywords into the expanded points, here’s how they can be seamlessly integrated:

8. Growth and evolution together

Vanilla relationships, often characterized by a vanilla personality’s preference for stability and depth, offer a solid foundation for couples to grow and evolve together over time. The consistency and security found in these relationships can foster deep emotional connections and mutual respect. 

As partners navigate life’s challenges and celebrate successes, they support each other’s personal growth and aspirations within the comforting framework of a vanilla relationship.

 This dynamic allows both individuals to develop their identities and partnerships without the pressure of conforming to the often misleading notion of how not to be vanilla, celebrating the uniqueness of their bond instead.

9. Emphasis on non-sexual intimacy

In vanilla relationships, there’s a significant emphasis on non-sexual forms of intimacy, such as emotional support, intellectual compatibility, shared hobbies, and life goals. 

This holistic approach to intimacy ensures that the relationship is not solely reliant on physical attraction or sexual compatibility but is enriched by a deep and multifaceted bond between partners. 

For those wondering how to not be vanilla in the context of maintaining interest and excitement, it’s crucial to understand that these relationships thrive on the richness of emotional and intellectual connections, proving that a vanilla personality can indeed cultivate a deeply satisfying and engaging relationship dynamic.

7 ways to make vanilla relationships more interesting

You can decide to make your sexual life more interesting while in a vanilla relationship. Spicing things up in a vanilla relationship isn’t taboo, so don’t be afraid to experiment with your partner.

The vanilla flavor is versatile and can be mixed with almost any other flavor, so be open to new things.

There are different ways to spice your vanilla relationship, both in the bedroom and otherwise. You’re in control of your happiness, so don’t let anyone make you feel bad or outdated for doing what you feel comfortable with.

Here are some things you can try:

1. Explore new activities together

A vanilla couple can step out of their comfort zone by trying new hobbies, sports, or cultural experiences together. Whether it’s taking a dance class, hiking a trail you’ve never explored, or attending a cooking workshop, new activities can bring you closer and add an adventurous spark to your relationship.

2. Plan surprise dates

Surprise your partner with unexpected plans or gifts. It could be as simple as a surprise dinner at their favorite restaurant, a day trip to a nearby town, or a thoughtful gift. The element of surprise can reignite the excitement and show your partner that you’re invested in keeping the relationship vibrant.

3. Introduce light role-playing or fantasy

Without venturing too far from your comfort zone, introducing light role-playing or sharing fantasies can be a playful way to explore new dimensions of your intimacy. This approach can add a fun twist to your routine, making vanilla dating more interesting and engaging.

4. Set shared goals

Working towards common goals, whether they’re fitness-related, financial, or personal achievements, can strengthen your bond. For example, training for a 5k together, saving for a dream vacation, or committing to reading a book a month can give you both a sense of teamwork and accomplishment.

5. Regular “no technology” time

Dedicate time to connect without the distractions of technology. Regularly setting aside your phones, tablets, and laptops for an evening or part of the weekend can help foster deeper conversations, more meaningful connections, and a greater appreciation for each other’s company.

To learn more about the dynamics shared between relationships and technology, watch this video:

6. Personalize your intimacy

Take the time to really learn about each other’s likes, dislikes, and desires in your intimate life. Personalizing your intimacy can involve anything from exploring new forms of affection to adjusting the ambiance of your intimate settings. Communicating openly about your desires can lead to a more satisfying and exciting relationship.

7. Create traditions together

Establish your own unique traditions as a couple. This could be a monthly date night where you try a new cuisine, annual trips to places you’ve never been, or even nightly rituals like sharing the best part of your day before bed. Traditions can create a sense of unity and anticipation for the future.

Incorporating these strategies can help keep the spark alive in vanilla relationships, ensuring that both partners remain engaged, connected, and excited about their journey together.

FAQs 

Here are some frequently asked questions about vanilla relationships.

• What is vanilla in dating?

Vanilla dating is the typical traditional dating involving a man and woman bound by love and commitment. 

They go on movie dates, travel together, and spend most of their time loving and being in their world.

• What does it mean when someone is vanilla?

Being vanilla means you prefer monogamy and the usual relationship dynamics. A vanilla person is just someone who enjoys being in a heterosexual relationship where they can easily open up to their partner. 

Some people might see vanilla as boring, but it is not so. A vanilla person can also be interesting and have an amazing personality.

• Is it okay to be vanilla?

It is okay to be vanilla. Vanilla is conventional, so you should keep your vanilla relationships because they’re no longer ‘trendy.’ If you no longer want to be vanilla, change on your terms, not on others.

• What is the opposite of vanilla relationships?

The opposite of a vanilla relationship is a kinky relationship. A vanilla relationship is any relationship that follows the traditional path. 

So, once any relationship doesn’t follow the usual practices of commitment and monogamy, it can be called the opposite of a vanilla relationship.

In vanilla sex, the normal norms for having sex are followed as long as it satisfies your physical and sexual desires. Kinks, fetish, and other unusual sexual practices are the opposite of vanilla sex.

• How should I get my vanilla partner?

While some people make it seem like vanilla people are hard to find. It’s not exactly true. People who still value traditional dynamics can be seen all around.

If your partner is originally vanilla, but you want to add some spice to your sexual life, talk to them about it and give some suggestions. 

There should be contributions from both parties to make the best decision for you.

Suggesting a little addition to your vanilla relationship with your partner is easy. Take things slow and give your partner time to adapt. Take your time with things because they might end up poorly if rushed.

The takeaway

Being in a vanilla relationship is not a bad idea. You should value an innocent and delicate relationship if you want to. 

However, understand that being vanilla is relative, so what you think is the norm for other vanilla couples might not be so. Just do you to be truly happy in your vanilla relationship. 

If you decide to base your relationship strictly on what people think or view their relationship, you’re living for someone else and not yourself. So, value your relationship. Just be yourself as long as you’re happy and satisfied in the relationship.