Our inherited behavioral traits have a major effect on our relationships. It doesn’t really matter what you are doing to make your relationship work out. This article will help you to understand the difference between physical and emotional traits behaviors and its effect on our relationships.
Your current behavior reflects the environment in which you grew up
In early 70s Dr John Kappas begin to develop his theory of emotional and physical sexuality because originally only one model of behavior was accepted as the norm by family counselors. The Emotional and Physical theory states that a person’s current behavior reflects the environment in which he/she grew up.
Our primary and secondary caretakers (usually, our mother and father) provide us with a model of behavior from which we learn. It would serve us best to accept both dominant behaviors as correct in order to make relationships work. Learn to own your sexuality, try not to change it. Remember, sexuality is behavior and behavior can be modified.
Asking the emotional-sexual client, “Why don’t you want sex with your partner?” The emotional will either infer that his behavior is “wrong” and struggle with the issue or cease further counseling to avoid dealing with the issue. Physicals are more likely to seek relationship counseling and usually have to drag their emotional partner to the therapist’s office.
Common reasons for break-ups
Three most common reasons for the break-up of a relationship:
Since the emotional does not like harsh confrontations, they usually push the physical to end it. The emotional will feel relief when it’s over. It allows them to feel free to be who they are without the influence of the physical partner. They will move through the stages of loss more quickly. They will adapt to changes with greater ease and let go of things better than the physical.
They often replace the relationship before it has ended. This allows them to have more courage and motivation to get out of the relationship. If they do not have new relationship waiting, they may not leave the old one. If they are suddenly single, they will sit back and let a physical come to them. They will make themselves available for the next physical. The emotional refuse to put themselves in a position of rejection. What high-percentage emotional thinks will happen, will not.
Very rarely does the physical feel comfortable ending the relationship. The physical operates from a premise of touch and affection and when the relationship is over; the physical feel the rejection in their body rather intensely and may actually feel physical pain. They will think there is something “wrong” with them, as though they failed in love. They may continue to cling to the relationship even though it’s over and see hope wherever they can find it. They may stay in the stage of denial for years. The fear of rejection intensifies.
They will likely stay single for a while until they feel it’s safe to date again. They will be pickier in their next relationship. If they have not let go of the past rejection, they will likely attract another physical because it’s safe. A physical female may attract a married man, also, because it’s safe. Physicals are more prone to repeat patterns of rejection. As therapists, we should point this out to the physical client. Educating them will help to motivate them to change the pattern. Have them approach it from the idea of “How can I get what I want by motivating the other person to give it to me?”
How sexuality is developed
The output of information; how we behave and express what we have learned. We get our sexuality from the secondary caretaker, generally the father figure. It’s not about how the father really was, but rather, how the child perceives the father figure, therefore, how the father relates to the child is also important. The secondary caretaker is not always the actual father. Any prominent figure in the primary caretaker’s life can be the secondary caretaker for the child. If the secondary caretaker is physical, then the child models physical sexuality (closeness, physical affection, etc.)
If the secondary caretaker is emotional, then the child models emotional sexuality (less closeness, intellectualized affections, etc.)
The child’s sexuality is usually set between the ages of thirteen and fifteen when the child begins to rebel. Remember; It is how the child perceives the secondary caretaker that determines the child’s sexuality.
If the father figure is a physical, yet absent, the child will likely become an emotional sexual. If the physical father cannot give affection to the child (i.e. a daughter), that child will be an emotional. If the father figure is emotional yet decides to spend a lot of time with the child, that child will likely become a physical. If the physical sexuality is already set, rejection will increase the physicality. If the sexuality has not been created, rejection will create emotional sexuality.
The intake of information; how we learn. We get our suggestibility from the primary caretaker, usually the mother figure.
Priorities for a physical
Premise: Seeks acceptance through closeness with others.
Predominant fear: Rejection
Priorities for an emotional
Premise: Seeks acceptance through accomplishment or achievement.
- Friendships (Mistress)
Predominant fear: Losing control
It is important to recognize the two primary subconscious behavior patterns couples share and how they affect their relationship. It helps the couples identify which of the two types – emotional or physical, they belong to. This understanding can be leveraged to establish a stronger foundation for relationships and a happier, long lasting association.