The definition of neediness, as described by clinical psychologist Craig Malkin, Ph.D., author of the internationally acclaimed, Rethinking Narcissism, is: “A generalized, undifferentiated dependence on others coupled with feelings of helplessness and fear of desertion and abandonment.”
Do you feel you need your partner by your side every time?
Do you see yourself as someone who’s always running to your partner for help?
Do you see yourself as someone who’s always texting, calling, and emailing your partner even if you know he or she is busy at work?
Do you see yourself as someone who needs constant affection and attention from your partner in order to feel good about yourself?
Also, you want to see your partner all the time, if a text or call doesn’t come in you start to wonder what is wrong and go crazy, and in turn, you begin to smother them.
If your relationship resonates with any of the above, these are evident signs of a needy man or woman in a relationship.
Other characteristics of a needy person are, losing a sense of self, being extremely jealous, and sometimes going overboard, by stalking the partner.
Such characteristics of a needy person can also be associated with an ‘Anxious attachment style’.
A person exhibiting an anxious attachment style often feels distrustful or suspicious, but they act clingy and desperate. Clinging to their attachment figure is the most effective way through which they are able to meet their needs.
Research has even categorised adult romantic attachment into two broad dimensions, Avoidance and anxiety.
The first, avoidance, reflects the degree to which individuals are comfortable with closeness and emotional intimacy in relationships. The second dimension, anxiety, assesses the degree to which individuals worry about being underappreciated or abandoned by their romantic partners.
When you start being needy in a relationship, it is only a matter of time before your partner starts to pull away. And the moment you see your partner withdrawing or losing interest in the relationship, you become extremely needy in a relationship and attention-seeking. Stay with us as we delve into why and how to not be needy in a relationship.
Below is advice on how to stop being clingy and effective ways to stop being needy in a relationship.
1. Be independent
Here’s one of the best relationship tips if you are being needy and are looking for advice on how to overcome insecurities in a relationship. Don’t over depend on your partner.
There will be times that your boyfriend or girlfriend will be busy doing other relevant stuff, you won’t expect them to leave what they are doing to attend to your needs every time.
Don’t depend on your partner to fulfill all your needs. Do not expect your partner to save you from the world or take care of your feelings every time. Continue to fight your own battles and try as much as possible to live an independent life.
Keep working on yourself and never forget the fact that you are a secure and strong person with a life of your own separate from your partner.
2. Trust your partner
Relationships are built and developed on trust and reliability. You should be able to rely on and trust your partner.
Give your partner the benefit of doubt; if they say they are busy, believe it.
Don’t start to panic that they’re distancing themselves from you and attempting to find an exit strategy just because they haven’t texted you back in 5 minutes, it is destructive to a relationship.
They’re probably very busy, and you should be busy doing something too.
Even the closest of relationships need some elbow room to miss each other from time to time. When your partner asks for some alone time, make sure you respect it.
Everyone needs some quiet time to get away from it all. But don’t think that whenever your partner asks for space, your partner is trying to avoid you.
Giving your partner little space and smothering them every time in the relationship is just going to make them push you away. It just means that they are keeping themself from being smothered by all the things they have to deal with every day.
Also, watch this video that will give you insights on how not to be needy:
It is best to understand each other and how much space and privacy you both require in a relationship, and to give each other that space and privacy.
4. Be socially active
The main reason you appear needy in a relationship or a clingy girlfriend or boyfriend is that you expect your partner to solve your emotional issues.
Your boyfriend or your girlfriend is not the only person in the world you can talk to.
There are other people you can have an emotional conversation with, there are several people ready to listen to your thoughts, emotional issues, ideas; learn to talk to these people. Have other people as sounding boards.
On how to not be needy in a relationship, it is important to remember that keeping tabs on how often you are together, is not a good sign of a healthy relationship.
So, how to control your emotions and stop being a needy girlfriend or boyfriend?
Remember, you can’t just say because your partner is out with their mates today, they need to be with you all day tomorrow.
Your partner should personally create time for you.
You should not beg or negotiate with them for their time. Hopefully, that answers how to stop obsessing over a guy or a girl and get your life back.
6. Maintain your separate own identity
Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you can no longer do things of your own anymore.
Instead of being a needy boyfriend or girlfriend, learn to set a time for yourself to do things you love.
That will help you stop being needy in a relationship and make you autonomous. It also comes handy to ask yourself, am I too needy, and make a conscious effort at controlling your emotions, and cease to be a needy wife or husband.
On how to stop being needy and insecure, here’s an important caveat.
Every couple needs to spend some quality time away from each other. It is healthy and necessary for your relationship and helps you maintain a sense of self and your own identity.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action.