What Is an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship & How to Make It Work

Ever felt caught between wanting to be close to someone and pulling away at the same time?

It is a tricky place to be, especially when emotions are running high. Relationships can sometimes feel like a push-and-pull dance, where one person craves connection while the other needs space.

This can create a dynamic that feels both magnetic and exhausting—full of longing, misunderstandings, and unspoken fears. In an anxious-avoidant relationship, this tension often stems from deep-seated attachment styles.

One person might fear abandonment and seek constant reassurance, while the other may feel overwhelmed by too much closeness and retreat to protect themselves. These contrasting needs can create emotional rollercoasters that leave both partners questioning their place in the relationship.

It is complicated, isn’t it?

But beneath the surface, there is often a genuine desire for love and understanding.

What is an anxious-avoidant relationship?

An anxious-avoidant relationship occurs when one partner has an anxious attachment style, and the other has an avoidant attachment style. These attachment styles often develop in childhood, shaped by inconsistent or unreliable caregiving.

Early experiences may have taught individuals with an avoidant style that parents or caregivers would not consistently meet their needs. As a result, they learn to distrust others and perceive the world as unsafe.

To protect themselves, they often become highly self-reliant and emotionally distant, avoiding intimacy out of fear of being hurt or rejected. On the other hand, individuals with an anxious attachment style often seek constant reassurance and closeness.

Their fear of abandonment can make them overly attentive and clingy, as they worry about being left behind or ignored. They may struggle to feel secure, especially when their partner seeks personal space or independence.

When these two contrasting attachment styles come together, the dynamic can create an emotional tug-of-war. This is the foundation of an anxious-avoidant relationship—one partner craves closeness while the other instinctively pulls away.

Can anxious-avoidant relationships ever work?

An anxious-avoidant relationship can be challenging because the two attachment styles often oppose one another. A person with an anxious attachment style seeks frequent reassurance and emotional closeness, while the avoidant partner may feel overwhelmed by those needs and withdraw to protect their independence.

This dynamic can lead to a frustrating cycle: the anxious partner clings out of fear of abandonment, while the avoidant partner retreats, feeling smothered by the demands for closeness. Over time, this pattern can strain the relationship, leaving both partners feeling misunderstood and unfulfilled.

So, can anxious-avoidant relationships work?

Yes—but it requires conscious effort from both individuals. Success lies in developing a deeper understanding of attachment styles and learning to recognize the triggers that lead to unhealthy behaviors.

A fulfilling relationship is possible when both partners are willing to grow, communicate, and meet each other halfway.

10 signs your partner with an avoidant attachment style loves you

Avoidant relationships can be confusing, especially when your partner seems to connect with you one moment and then pull away the next.

If you are in such a relationship, it is natural to question whether your partner truly cares for you or if their distant behavior reflects something deeper.

The 10 signs below can help you determine whether your avoidant partner loves you:

1. They claim you as their partner

For someone with an avoidant attachment style—or even a fearful-avoidant partner—being in a relationship can feel overwhelming. Many with these attachment styles prefer to avoid commitment entirely due to their fear of emotional closeness.

If your partner refers to you as their significant other, it is a significant step that shows they are overcoming their fears and allowing love to develop.

2. They are willing to spend time with you

Spending too much time together can feel stifling to someone with an avoidant attachment style.

If your partner willingly carves out time to be with you, even if it is less frequent than you would like, it signals they value the relationship and are finding ways to connect.

3. Small gestures suggest that they care

Grand declarations like “I love you” can be intimidating for avoidants, but their feelings often show in subtler ways.

Small acts like bringing you coffee or filling your car with gas demonstrate their care in ways that feel safe and manageable for them. These gestures are meaningful signs of their affection.

4. They are slowly sharing personal details with you

In relationships involving anxious attachment with an avoidant partner, emotional intimacy takes time.

When your partner begins to share personal experiences or thoughts, it shows they trust you and are letting you into their inner world—a big milestone for someone with avoidant tendencies.

5. They are starting to show physical affection

Avoidants may hesitate with public displays of affection, but small gestures like holding your hand, a pat on the back, or sitting close to you are significant steps.

These actions reflect their growing comfort with physical intimacy and their effort to express affection in a way that feels natural to them.

6. They are bonding with you, even in small ways

Bonding requires vulnerability, which can be daunting for someone with an avoidant attachment style.

If your partner shows interest in your hobbies, shares in your favorite activities, or makes an effort to connect in small but meaningful ways, it is a sign they are investing in the relationship.

7. They have introduced you to friends and family

For avoidants, introducing someone to their inner circle is a major step.

It indicates they are serious about the relationship and are comfortable sharing their personal world with you.

8. They begin to confide in you

Confiding personal thoughts or secrets requires trust, which does not come easily for avoidants.

If your partner starts sharing deeper parts of themselves with you, it reflects their growing comfort and belief in the relationship’s stability.

9. They show emotion

Emotional vulnerability is not easy for someone with an avoidant attachment style.

When they begin to express their feelings—whether joy, sadness, or concern—it is a clear sign they are letting their guard down and showing they trust you.

10. They are attempting to make you happy

An avoidant partner who cares deeply will try to understand what brings you joy and make an effort to do those things.

Whether it is planning a date at your favorite restaurant or showing affection in a way that resonates with you, these thoughtful actions show their commitment to your happiness.

How the avoidant partner can overcome their fears

It is not easy for someone with an avoidant attachment style to confront their fears and open up to others. The thought of vulnerability, intimacy, and relying on another person can feel overwhelming.

But growth is possible! With self-awareness, small steps, and patience, they can learn to overcome avoidant fears and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

• Reflect on the root of their fears

Understanding where avoidant fears come from is a crucial first step. Often, these fears are rooted in past experiences, like inconsistent caregiving or emotional neglect during childhood.

Taking the time to reflect—perhaps through journaling or therapy—can help an avoidant partner uncover the patterns that keep them distant from others.

• Practice self-compassion

Avoidant individuals may feel frustrated with themselves for struggling to connect emotionally, but self-criticism only reinforces their defenses.

Learning to treat themselves with kindness and patience can soften those walls. Self-compassion allows them to acknowledge their challenges without judgment and creates the space for change.

• Take small steps toward vulnerability

Jumping into deep emotional conversations can feel daunting, so starting small is key. Sharing a thought, a feeling, or a personal memory in a safe context can help them gradually build trust.

Each small step they take toward vulnerability shows them that opening up does not always lead to rejection.

• Communicate their needs to their partner

Many avoidant partners fear that expressing their boundaries or struggles will disappoint others. However, healthy communication can deepen understanding in a relationship.

By honestly explaining their need for space or their discomfort with certain situations, they give their partner a chance to offer support and patience.

• Seek professional support

Therapy can be a game-changer for someone working to overcome avoidant tendencies. A therapist can guide them in unpacking past wounds, exploring emotions, and learning strategies to embrace closeness.

With professional help, they can replace old habits with healthier ways of connecting and finding confidence in their relationships.

15 ways to make an anxious-avoidant relationship work

So, what is the secret to making an anxious-avoidant relationship work?

Knowing about these attachment styles and what makes them tick is essential.

Below are 15 strategies that can teach you how to be in a relationship with anxious-avoidant partners:

1. Recognize your role in relationship challenges

In any relationship, both partners create and maintain problems, which is no different in an anxious-avoidant attachment relationship. While your avoidant partner may bring challenges to the table, the truth is that your anxious attachment style can also come with problems.

For instance, when triggered, you may become overly clingy and dependent, making your avoidant partner feel smothered. Recognizing this pattern between you is the first step in ending it. 

2. Remain empathetic toward your partner

It’s easy to become offended or take things personally when someone with an avoidant attachment style seems to reject you or pull away when you attempt to connect. Instead of becoming angry or upset with your partner, try to empathize with them.

Remember, they’re struggling with a deep fear of connection and intimacy and aren’t trying to be cold or distant. They’re simply human beings trying to protect themselves from pain. 

3. Communicate your needs

Healthy communication promotes more secure attachments in relationships. This means that clear communication can be a key method for making an anxious, avoidant relationship work. 

Instead of lashing out, becoming clingy, or showing fear when your partner behaves in a certain way, clearly and calmly communicate what you’re feeling, and your partner will be more likely to hear you and meet your needs. 

4. Recognize your triggers

When you are emotionally triggered, responding rationally to your partner can be difficult. So, it’s helpful to learn to recognize your triggers, whether it’s your avoidant partner spending time with friends, asking for alone time, or showing certain body language.

Once you recognize your triggers, you can use self-calming strategies when faced with them rather than clinging or lashing out in a way that makes your avoidant partner feel smothered or attacked. 

5. Learn to self-soothe

An avoidant-anxious relationship can be difficult for both parties because the anxious partner wants reassurance, and the avoidant partner feels trapped by this need. 

If you can practice self-soothing strategies, you will be less likely to overwhelm your partner with your need for reassurance. This could include developing a regular exercise routine to ease anxiety, having a strong support network of friends, or practicing relaxation strategies like yoga or meditation.

6. Prioritize time outside the relationship for both parties

Time apart to enjoy hobbies or friendships outside of a relationship is critical for any union, but it can be especially critical for an anxious-avoidant relationship.

The avoidant partner will feel as if they still maintain their freedom when they can spend time with friends or take part in their hobbies, which can ease some of their distress surrounding intimate relationships.

Similarly, when the anxiously attached partner develops interests and friendships outside the relationship, they will learn that time apart can be beneficial. This also gives the anxious partner other forms of identity, so they are not meeting all their needs for validation through the relationship alone. 

7. Practice affirmations

Reminding yourself that you are worthy of love can ease some of the anxiety you experience in your relationship. Repeating positive affirmations, such as, “I am worthy of love and care,” can be useful when facing a triggering situation from your partner.

These affirmations can also be beneficial for healing some of your attachment anxiety overall. 

8. Realize that you are likely to get stuck in a trap

If you feel like you’re stuck in a trap with your partner, you’re probably right. One of the key steps to understanding how to make an anxious-avoidant relationship work is realizing that your opposing behaviors will create a trap.

You’ll seek reassurance from your partner when they seem distant, triggering them to become ever more distant because of their fear of intimacy. Then, as they become more distant, your fear of abandonment will make you even more clingy.

Someone must stop this process so that you can get out of the trap. It’s most helpful if both partners try to stop the trap, but you might have to take the first step by realizing that your partner’s distant behavior is just their avoidant fears coming to light. 

9. Don’t take your partner’s behavior personally

If you assume that your significant other’s silence or distance is your fault, you will only make matters worse. Practice shrugging it off and not taking it personally when they seem to be pulling away.

Of course, this is easier said than done, but with time, you will train yourself not to take their behavior personally. This means you won’t become overly clingy or begin to panic if they seem distant. 

10. Be patient

This is perhaps the most important step for overcoming problems in an anxious and avoidant attachment relationship. You must be patient with your partner, especially in the early stages when you’re waiting for them to open up.

If you take things too fast or try to force them to connect before they’re ready, you will only push them away. 

11. Learn as much as you can about attachment styles

This can be said for any relationship: it’s helpful to understand your attachment style and knowledge of attachment styles in general. When you learn about attachment, so much about life and relationships makes sense.

There are plenty of books on attachment styles, including Stan Tatkins’s book “Wired for Love,” which is therapist-recommended. 

12. Allow your partner freedom

If you’re the anxiously attached individual in the relationship, this strategy may be difficult, but it will bring you closer to the desired connection.  

People with avoidant attachment styles do not like to be controlled, and if they aren’t permitted to have separate interests, they will feel smothered in the relationship.

Encourage your significant other to spend time with friends and participate in activities they enjoy. Don’t worry; they won’t be looking for ways to leave you. Instead, they’ll value the time alone, and they’ll be even more excited when the two of you reunite.

13. Learn what makes both of you feel loved

In general, the anxiously attached partner craves love and care, whereas the avoidantly attached partner values stability and practicality in the relationship. Have a conversation about how these needs can be met for both partners. 

If you’re both committed to making things work, you’ll be able to find ways to meet your needs for love and care while your partner’s needs for stability are addressed. 

14. Fix unhealthy behaviors

To learn how to make an anxious-avoidant relationship work, both partners must be willing to identify and correct their unhealthy relationship behaviors.

Anxiously attached individuals tend to use “protest behaviors” when their needs are not met. These behaviors include making their partner jealous, criticizing, threatening to leave, or making excessive gestures to get attention.

On the other hand, the avoidantly attached partner will withdraw and give their significant other the silent treatment when they become emotionally overwhelmed. The good news is that both of you can recognize these behaviors in yourselves and take steps to remedy them.

Watch this TEDx Talk, in which Dr. Janie Lacy, a seasoned Relationship Trauma Psychotherapist, shares three steps to building healthier relationships and breaking toxic patterns with self-compassion:

15. Seek counseling to overcome childhood wounds

An anxious-avoidant relationship can be incredibly challenging. These two personality types tend to be attracted to each other. After all, opposites attract, right? 

However, with unresolved childhood wounds, the two attachment styles are likely to trigger fears and insecurities in each other. The best chance of success occurs when both partners seek professional counseling or therapy to address childhood wounds.

When trauma and other pain from childhood are healed, the impact of attachment insecurities will not be as strong. 

FAQs

It can be difficult to have a relationship with a person who has an anxious-avoidant personality. Here are answers to some pertinent questions that can provide you with some much-needed clarity:

• How do you break an anxious-avoidant cycle?

Both partners need to understand their attachment styles and how they impact the relationship to break the cycle. The anxiously attached partner must recognize that constant reassurance can push their avoidant partner away.

The avoidant partner, in turn, needs to acknowledge that emotional withdrawal can heighten their partner’s anxiety. Both should address their insecurities and triggers, often through open communication and self-reflection.

• What is anxious-avoidant attachment?

Anxious and avoidant attachment styles are typically treated as distinct. The avoidant style avoids emotional reliance on others, while the anxious style seeks reassurance, fearing they cannot trust others.

Some, however, refer to “anxious-avoidant attachment” to describe someone who feels anxious about connecting but avoids attachment altogether as a coping mechanism.

• Can an anxious-avoidant relationship work long-term?

Yes, but it requires effort. Both partners must commit to understanding their attachment styles, communicating openly, and working through their insecurities.

With patience and a willingness to grow, a long-term connection is possible.

Final thoughts

So, can an anxious-avoidant attachment relationship work?

It can—but only if both partners are willing to face their insecurities and take steps to manage their emotional triggers.

Patience is key; when you give each other grace and understanding, you can move beyond the struggles of your attachment styles and build a healthier, more fulfilling connection.

Sometimes, couples counseling can be a helpful tool for managing this journey together. It provides a safe space to heal from the wounds that contributed to insecure attachment styles and to learn more about each other on a deeper level.

A professional perspective offers guidance and support, helping you unpack emotions and explore childhood experiences that may be influencing your relationship today.